Options?

[lookingat42]

Hi

 

I am new and looking for answers- am not a troll

 

I have been married for over 11 years to second husband- we have not been physical in over 4.5 years --yes years-- have done the medical thing no issues the talking, discussing and working on it thing--he still says he is working on it. we do not touch or share same room now for more than a year-due to raising 2 grandchildren- we are full time guardians to a 15 month old and 2.5 year for my daughter from a previous marriage- we are god grandparents but lately i feel so trapped

 

42- no lovin no affection and 2 small children- i get that we volunteered to take the kids but was to be short term like 6 months - that was a year ago and no end to this issue

 

to get to the point--i want to discuss open relationship with husband or i am close to looking for an affair - what are the general guidelineshow do you start the discussion or

 

any suggestions-- and posters with the work it out lines please do not reply- as i am past that point and divorce is not currently an option with the kids

Edited September 12, 2010 by lookingat42
spelling

[TaraMaiden]

To be honest then, you have only two options:

Explain that you want to separate, because your current lifestyle is completely unsatisfactory,

 

Or tell him you intend to seek and find a FwB.

 

(That's a "Friend with benefits" - someone with whom you can have a sexual relationship, but with whom you have no other relationship. It's just mutual pleasuring with sex.)

 

It might help you to put your thoughts down on paper, and write him a letter.

Try to not get over emotional, but explain that you cannot carry on without your needs being met, and you are sick and tired of losing out simply because things are satisfactory to him.

 

I would guess either option will be unsettling to him, so he might either call your bluff and dare you to do one or the other, (in which case, what you then do is up to you) or he might suggest counselling.

 

This would not be a bad option.

 

In fact, I would recommend it, but before you protest, remember that counselling is not there necessarily to save your relationship and keep you together. It's there to give you both an opportunity to speak clearly, expose your thoughts and really make your standpoint quite clear, without fear of the discussion becoming hostile or over-emotional.

 

If this is what it takes to get through to him, counselling might in some way be productive.

[desertIslandCactus]

I had a friend whose H took the guilt from leaving first W into the second M. And it didn't surface right away, either. Just throwing this out as an example.

 

This should be discussed between you and your H to find out the reason. He must have some idea.

 

You have a lot going with the children. Bless you and bless them.

 

I am against any sex outside of M. It should only be an either/or: M or D.

[crazycatlady]

To be honest then, you have only two options:

Explain that you want to separate, because your current lifestyle is completely unsatisfactory,

 

Or tell him you intend to seek and find a FwB.

 

(That's a "Friend with benefits" - someone with whom you can have a sexual relationship, but with whom you have no other relationship. It's just mutual pleasuring with sex.)

 

It might help you to put your thoughts down on paper, and write him a letter.

Try to not get over emotional, but explain that you cannot carry on without your needs being met, and you are sick and tired of losing out simply because things are satisfactory to him.

 

I would guess either option will be unsettling to him, so he might either call your bluff and dare you to do one or the other, (in which case, what you then do is up to you) or he might suggest counselling.

 

This would not be a bad option.

 

In fact, I would recommend it, but before you protest, remember that counselling is not there necessarily to save your relationship and keep you together. It's there to give you both an opportunity to speak clearly, expose your thoughts and really make your standpoint quite clear, without fear of the discussion becoming hostile or over-emotional.

 

If this is what it takes to get through to him, counselling might in some way be productive.

 

I just want to second this whole post. Plus counselling might help you deal with the stress of becoming "parents" again when that was not the desire as well, and the resentment that could come from that.

 

I'm in an open marriage, though not because the lack of sex or physical needs not being met. I know of at least one other poster who is in a similar place as you with lack of needs being met by H, if I speak with her I'll direct her to this thread. But in her case it was her H who suggested it to her.

 

But Tara's post is a good one, and definately worthy of consideration if not following.

 

CCL

[siuys]

I was in a relationship very similar to yours. No kids but it still took us years to 'sort it out'. We didn't really sort it out, it just died a slow death. Counselling did not help. Bottom line, we were both living in denial. We loved each other, just not that way.

 

I would say if I were to do it over again, and be in your situation again (sort of), I would talk to counsellor first and discuss options. Be EXTREMELY honest about what you want. I'd probably tell H that M is over, let's live separate lives but live under one roof for kids for now. Then go out and see other people. No point staying anymore. I am not into open marriages but that's just me. It's probably a good time to explore being separated under one roof before one of you has an affair. Good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Hi

I am new and looking for answers- am not a troll

I have been married for over 11 years to second husband- we have not been physical in over 4.5 years --yes years-- have done the medical thing no issues the talking, discussing and working on it thing--he still says he is working on it. we do not touch or share same room now for more than a year-due to raising 2 grandchildren- we are full time guardians to a 15 month old and 2.5 year for my daughter from a previous marriage- we are god grandparents but lately i feel so trapped

42- no lovin no affection and 2 small children- i get that we volunteered to take the kids but was to be short term like 6 months - that was a year ago and no end to this issue

to get to the point--i want to discuss open relationship with husband or i am close to looking for an affair - what are the general guidelineshow do you start the discussion or

any suggestions-- and posters with the work it out lines please do not reply- as i am past that point and divorce is not currently an option with the kids

 

I can't see any medical reason for no affection, and even if his stuff doesn't work at the moment he should still be doing other things to satisfy you.

 

So... have you not told him that these other options are a possible solution while he is "working on it"? Or are you so dead set on messing around that you don't care to attempt that kind of thing?