klb Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Hi, im a 22 year old woman. August 2009 i got with my ex boyfriend. I knew at the time he was going to be travelling to Oz in the Nov of 2009 for 6 months. This upset me but i would never of wanted to stop him with this once in a lifetime oppourtunity. Things were great i knew i loved him so much and i could see myself being with this guy for the rest of my life. So november comes and he is having a 'leaving night out' which he told me i was not invited to. He went out with his friends, i tried contacting him early hours of the morning to make sure he was having a good night and was safe etc .... i got no reply at all. I knew something was wrong, his night out was a saturday and he was due to fly to oz on the sunday. 10am on the sunday morning i heard from him he told me he had been really drunk and thats why he didnt answer, i had no reason not to believe him. He asked if he could see me one last time before he went away, i drove around and spent around and hour with him. He flew to Oz later on. Monday morning i woke up with a message on my facebook account from a person with no profile picture. She gave an in depth description of how my boyfriend had cheated on me on his 'leaving night out' with his ex girlfriend, she went into great detail on how when i was texting/ringing him he was too busy having sex. Im presuming it was his ex girlfriend messaging me. I tried getting in touch with him for 2 days, but because of flights/time difference this was hard. My heart was breaking and the one person i wanted to speak to i couldnt get a hold of. When he did get in touch he admitted everything, told me it was a drunken mistake and how much he regretted it. Stupidly i decided to work at things, so while he was in Oz having the time of his life i was stuck in my hometown absolutely distraught. We eventually broke up whilst he was away and i stopped contacting him. May 2010 he came home and got in touch with me, i agreed to meet him. We had such a wonderful time and i thought we could be together again ... except he didnt want this. For the past 4 months he has been using me, some weeks he wants me, others he cannot stand me and never wants to see me again. He has told me that he loves me on occassions, then he says he doesnt know why he said it because he doesnt mean it. Were now in September and he has said that he definately never wants to see me again. I have never hurt this guy, never humiliated him or used him. All of those things he has done to me and i cant seem to get over him, why?? I want to get over him and move on, im angry at myself for allowing him to use me for sex whenever he has wanted in the past. All i seem to do is cry and to be perfectly honest im making myself ill. Please can someone help me ....
Lemontang Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 He sounds like a down right twat, and I don't use that term lightly. Unfortunately these types of people do exist being so self absorbed that they don't even realise the fallout they create let alone give it a 2nd thought. Thankfully however not everyone is like this. First off he goes out on his last night which your specifically not invited too. Then get's with his ex blaming it on the fact he was drunk. Sorry but that sounds more premeditated than the "I was drunk excuse" he gave. Then on his return he seems to be just stringing you along telling you what you want to hear so he can get what he wants, then when he's done flicks you off into the waste land only to hook up with you again because he probably couldn't pick up a random for some free play and because he's got you already on a hook he can just reel you in when he wants with a couple of kind word. Based on what you've said your better off without him and you would be doing yourself a disservice by hooking up again with him only to take another hit to your dignity and self esteem. I'd sever all ties and take this as a life lesson learnt and start openly dating other people until you find one you connect with who won't treat you in this way.
Author klb Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Thank you for your reply. Im going to do exactly what you have said, and cut all ties i have with him. I know i should have already done this but its good to hear it from someone who doesnt even know me. I really do appreciate your reply, and i hope one day i do meet some one who treats me how i deserve to be treat. My confidence has well and truley been knocked and i need to start rebuilding that.
straycat99 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I was in this exact same position - for SIX YEARS. Heres the thing: this situation between the two of you won't change. You have to change it. You have to walk away, completely. There are many women who have been in abusive relationships (YES you are in an abusive relationship), and they'll all tell you they felt trapped like you do. It's part of what your ex wants. He wants you to need him, and to be there whenever he wants you to be. He doesn't care how you feel, if anything, he WANTS you to feel helpless. I did this with my ex for years, and every time after sleeping with him, I'd listen to him snore and I'd think "all I have to do is walk out that door, and never come back". Well one night, I DID. And my biggest regret is waiting so long to do it. It was very hard getting use to life without him, I had become so dependent on my life with him and his horrible routine treatment. But once I found another boyfriend, I realized how awful (TRULY *AWFUL*) the ex was. And the best revenge was telling that ex to f**k off when he came looking for sex again (and your ex WILL, but you will say NO). So just do it mentally girl, just walk out that door and never look back. You deserve a good guy, and they're not hard to find. Keep your head up and stay strong. All us girls who have been through this have faith in you. You're better than him, so just keep walkin, you're doing good so far...
skydiveaddict Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I want to get over him and move on, im angry at myself for allowing him to use me for sex whenever he has wanted in the past. All i seem to do is cry and to be perfectly honest im making myself ill. Please can someone help me .... Those hurt feelings are a long time goin' aren't they? I know exactly how you feel. Almost all of us go through it at some point. Don't waste time being angry with yourself. You will get through it, everyone does. Force yourself to get out of the house and do things, you will be ok.
Don Ho Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 No point beating yourself up about what you did in the past Sista. The idea is to LEARN from that situation and if or when you see it appearing with a different guy, then USE your experience to cut ties and dump him.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Hi, im a 22 year old woman. May 2010 he came home and got in touch with me, i agreed to meet him. We had such a wonderful time and i thought we could be together again ... except he didnt want this. For the past 4 months he has been using me, some weeks he wants me, others he cannot stand me and never wants to see me again. He has told me that he loves me on occassions, then he says he doesnt know why he said it because he doesnt mean it. Were now in September and he has said that he definately never wants to see me again. I have never hurt this guy, never humiliated him or used him. All of those things he has done to me and i cant seem to get over him, why?? I want to get over him and move on, im angry at myself for allowing him to use me for sex whenever he has wanted in the past. All i seem to do is cry and to be perfectly honest im making myself ill. Please can someone help me .... Yes, take two steps back from where you are right now... even if it is sitting in front of a computer screen... and focus your thoughts on the difference between "him" (as described above) (and that's quite enough description for most women here) ... and what is "your emotional investment IN him" (which is a wonderful, personal, and willing part of YOU) Everyone here will be in agreement that you have every right to have devoted yourself to his every waking move, and to have made yourself especially vulnerable TO him. You did that! You did so mostly for your own benefit (which is why we all do it - because our brains don't care which color gumball he gets from the machine even though he tells of praying for a blue gumball) (we want HIM to be happy just so it affects US positively!!) So look in the mirror, and look right in your EYES... and congratulate yourself for having so fully invested your own emotions IN someone else. You were every bit natural and appropriate in doing so, and your relationships are going to SUCK if you don't keep mastering that very exercise. In summation: Separate what we know to be "him" as a stand-alone entity, from your emotional investment IN him!!
Author klb Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Thank you all so much. It is coming just up to a week now and ive not contacted him at all, i know this may not seem like a long time but to me it feels as though it has been months! I do need to move on, i want to move on. Its strange but i seriously feel so much better since writing my problem down on this site, and with all of yor replies you have made me feel like i can actually do this. Before i was just stuck in a rut and didnt think there was anyway out .... I really am grateful to you all for making me feel like this is a new start and a new chapter in my life.
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