Ann1e Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 First of all - I love reading this board. I appreciate any help anyone can provide! The issue is: I need to *learn* to consistently trust my fiance (soon-to-be-husband). He has never done anything to break my trust, and he's the most stable and honest guy I've ever met (in 27 years, the first guy I have found trustworthy enough to marry). I just have huge problems trusting! I have driven guys mad, I'm sure, in every relationship I've been in (although none of them left me for it, which I really don't understand). I've never, ever been cheated on by anyone. I've been lied to a few times, years ago, so that might contribute. I just always think about what *might* happen and how bad it would hurt, even if the odds of it actually happening are extremely low. I think the main issue is that my mom was sick when I was a kid and then she died and I felt rejected/abandoned (blah blah, it's not an excuse). So now, as an adult, I'm just incredibly paranoid! I'm always asking tons of questions about past relationships (he has hardly even had any, and none of them are threatening in any way), and questions about whether or not he will always love me, never leave me for someone else, always be attracted to me... He already knows everything about me and wanted to marry me long before I was able to "take the dive," so I know he won't leave me over this. It's not an issue of being afraid I'm going to drive him away, but more that I'm going to drive him crazy. He's extremely honest and ends up telling me things are useless information, yet sting to hear, because I ask so many detailed questions (especially about past girlfriends). I've been trying really hard the past few months to stop with the questioning. And it works. But I hate the way I feel inside when I start thinking about possibilities of what might happen and how much it would hurt. I feel like I can't even be happy in our relationship when these thoughts are in my mind, which is like a good chunk of my day, at times (some days are fine). I am a big dreamer at night, and even during naps, and it sucks (literally, I have tons of dreams every time I sleep that I remember when I wake up). A vast majority of them are about him being mean, hating me, or leaving me for someone else. In real life, he's very kind and loyal, so these dreams are just coming from this "doomsday" place in my subconscious. The problem is, it's hard not to let them affect me the rest of the day. My dreams are a constant reminder of "how it would feel" if I was rejected by him. I have googled this so much and searched message boards and it seems like everything I find about trust is written by someone whose trust was "broken." That isn't the case with me. I'm just hoping someone out there understands. I try to control my actions but it's controlling my thoughts and emotions that I need help with. I hope someone has a tool or two to help me in my progress! Thank you for reading this!
crazycatlady Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Have you ever considered counciling for your abandonment issues? Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we KNOW and what we FEEL. I will KNOW something to be true, and FEEL the exact opposite. It is something I worked on in counciling and continue to work on afterwards with the tools I learned in IC. So my advice is IC. There is nothing wrong with it, it might help you learn tools to cope with you and the know and feel disconnect. CCL
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 I try to control my actions but it's controlling my thoughts and emotions that I need help with. I hope someone has a tool or two to help me in my progress! Thank you for reading this! I would say that you think/worry about this a lot because in truth you are not a trustworthy person. People who compulsively lie are the ones incapable of believing what others say.
HawksRule Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Have you ever considered counciling for your abandonment issues? Sometimes there is a disconnect between what we KNOW and what we FEEL. I will KNOW something to be true, and FEEL the exact opposite. It is something I worked on in counciling and continue to work on afterwards with the tools I learned in IC. So my advice is IC. There is nothing wrong with it, it might help you learn tools to cope with you and the know and feel disconnect. CCL I'm with CCL on this one. it sounds like your fiance is a real catch. You have some issues, but hey everybody does. Don't kill yourself about it. Why don't you open up more to him about how you feel. Maybe even take some IC as well. See the good thing is he is honest with you about everything, he's not getting mad. Because he's got nothing to hide. You should trust him, he's your fiance and like you said has done nothing to lose it. Trust him too, open up yourself a little more to him about everything you feel, and tell him you're only doing it because you know you have some trust issues and you want to trust him because you love him. and yes counseling could help. Because it seems like this issue is something that definitely needs to be worked out. If he loves you he will be there for you through this.
2sunny Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 i think counseling could help. i'd delay getting married until you have learned how to trust through your work in counseling.
Veronica K Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 First of all - I love reading this board. I appreciate any help anyone can provide! The issue is: I need to *learn* to consistently trust my fiance (soon-to-be-husband). He has never done anything to break my trust, and he's the most stable and honest guy I've ever met (in 27 years, the first guy I have found trustworthy enough to marry). I just have huge problems trusting! I have driven guys mad, I'm sure, in every relationship I've been in (although none of them left me for it, which I really don't understand). I've never, ever been cheated on by anyone. I've been lied to a few times, years ago, so that might contribute. I just always think about what *might* happen and how bad it would hurt, even if the odds of it actually happening are extremely low. I think the main issue is that my mom was sick when I was a kid and then she died and I felt rejected/abandoned (blah blah, it's not an excuse). So now, as an adult, I'm just incredibly paranoid! I'm always asking tons of questions about past relationships (he has hardly even had any, and none of them are threatening in any way), and questions about whether or not he will always love me, never leave me for someone else, always be attracted to me... He already knows everything about me and wanted to marry me long before I was able to "take the dive," so I know he won't leave me over this. It's not an issue of being afraid I'm going to drive him away, but more that I'm going to drive him crazy... That's so sad that you lost your mom. I'm so sorry. As others have said - counseling would be a good idea. In my experience, when you do the work (especially the stuff you really don't feel like doing) consistently, the effort you put into it tends to pay big dividends. It's worth it. He's worth it. You are worth it. Hugs, and best of luck to you.
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