Will he abuse her too?

[Angel Pie]

My ex and I have been broken up for maybe 4 months. He is 23. He was amazing at first, did everything a perfect bf does. We feel in love. Then We lived together rather quickly and spent the last 2 years together. He became abusive, but not like that typical abusive man that starts beating women for no reason. It was like, we we get into an argument and each time would get worse. The names got worse, insults, put downs, mental games, and then each physical altercation got worse, the last time for me I was punched in the face, pinned on our dining room floor, screamed at, threatened, spit on and head smashed twice, left in my own blood while he went on his way. Aside from that he was always up to no good. Emailing ex gf whenever we argued professing his love to her, addicted to porn, joining dating sites while we were together, lied about everything. He told me flat out that he would lie to me anytime he felt he would be yelled at. The list goes on. I was confident when we met, I became weak in our relationship.

 

I'm torn because he has met a new girl. She is nothing like me. I'm 25. She is 21. She is plain, no makeup, no style, no body, shy, kind of dorky. Most men wouldn't look. She seems smart though. She has emailed me and said that they are together and seems to believe that he has changed. She said he was honest with her about the abuse with me and his other ex and that he seemed to have a reason to back up everything. Shortly after he sends me an I'm sorry email. It did not seem sincere. I did tell his new gf why I was so upset with him as she asked. I believe she must have told him and that he is now emailing me that to prove to her he has changed. Earlier in the same day, he and I were arguing about the abuse and he called me pathetic and that no one would believe me. He is now charged with assault and failure to appear in court which is what a lot of the argument was about - he had a warrent for his arrest and was caught after a year just the other day. Hes been blamming me for ruining his life. His new gf believes hes in denial and has not forgiven himself yet but she wants to stick it through because she was once in a troubled situation and knows what signs to look for and doesnt believe that hes going to be like that with her.

 

I feel jealous in the sense as why didn't he want to change for me? Did he not love me enough? Why is he willing to change for this new person? He always said that it was my fault that he did all those things to me. That if I wasn't such a bitch that he would never have gotten mad. Is this true? Has he changed, does she now get to have the life with him that was supposed to be mine?

 

My logic is telling me that he was with his ex for 7 yrs, broke up 2 months, met me and we were 2 yrs, broke up 2-3 months and now hes with her. He said he thinks hes ready for a new relationship but how?

Edited September 12, 2010 by Angel Pie

[BB07]

I'm so sorry for everything that you have been put through with this man.

Yes he will more than likely do the same thing to his current g/f.

 

Hon, you should be so glad that you are out of this situation with him and that you have escaped before he killed you. He sounds very dangerous.

 

Also why are you still having contact with him and his g/f? You really need to cut both of them out of your life so you can move on and be whole again. Look at getting yourself some counseling so you deal with the feelings that you have and so you will decrease the chance of ever getting into another relationship like that.

 

Men like him do not love, he didn't love you, nor does he love his current g/f. They are very sick dangerous men who only want to hurt and control. It is NOT love.

 

Please take care and remove yourself from all that drama. Go live a good life. Hugs.

[Angel Pie]

I'm so sorry for everything that you have been put through with this man.

Yes he will more than likely do the same thing to his current g/f.

 

Hon, you should be so glad that you are out of this situation with him and that you have escaped before he killed you. He sounds very dangerous.

 

Also why are you still having contact with him and his g/f? You really need to cut both of them out of your life so you can move on and be whole again. Look at getting yourself some counseling so you deal with the feelings that you have and so you will decrease the chance of ever getting into another relationship like that.

 

Men like him do not love, he didn't love you, nor does he love his current g/f. They are very sick dangerous men who only want to hurt and control. It is NOT love.

 

Please take care and remove yourself from all that drama. Go live a good life. Hugs.

 

 

I don't even know what to say. We thought we could be friends, we talked a bit, he showed up unexpected once, we were getting along. Then he blew up at me the other day for his arrest. I thought I was moving past and then when he told me he was with this girl I felt sick and shocked. I know I'm not being logical in the sense that he's right where he was 2 yrs ago with me when he broke up with his ex. Trying to prove to me that he was not what his ex was saying. I believed him. This girl emailed me because he and I were talking, she seemed jealous at first when he showed up at my house and wanted to ask why he came over. It was for his mail as he still has not changed it and still gives out my address for new mail. I think I'm so mad because I know he cant possibly change. It's just infuriating that this girl believes it, that hes saying he is changing. If he does change for her, does that mean that it was all my fault? What if he has learned? Why didnt he want to change for me?

[Sonolumino]

You deserve better, plain and simple. No "man" puts lays a hand on a woman. This dude needs his ass kicked.

[BB07]

I don't even know what to say. We thought we could be friends, we talked a bit, he showed up unexpected once, we were getting along. Then he blew up at me the other day for his arrest. I thought I was moving past and then when he told me he was with this girl I felt sick and shocked. I know I'm not being logical in the sense that he's right where he was 2 yrs ago with me when he broke up with his ex. Trying to prove to me that he was not what his ex was saying. I believed him. This girl emailed me because he and I were talking, she seemed jealous at first when he showed up at my house and wanted to ask why he came over. It was for his mail as he still has not changed it and still gives out my address for new mail. I think I'm so mad because I know he cant possibly change. It's just infuriating that this girl believes it, that hes saying he is changing. If he does change for her, does that mean that it was all my fault? What if he has learned? Why didnt he want to change for me?

 

Why do you want to be friends with a man who beat you and choked you? Don't you see that is twisted? THIS MAN beat you, choked you, he is NOT YOUR FRIEND! You can not help him, fix him and he does NOT deserve a damn thing from you. Cut him out of your life so you can heal.

Please get him completely out of your life or I'm afraid that you will allow him to resume a relationship with you and he will hurt you again. The relationship that an abuser has with his victim often has a sick dynamic to it, you need to realize that you are part of it and you need to get some help with it, please. You will never be free of him unless you take the steps required to get him OUT of your life. Don't you want more and deserve better for yourself?

[Angel Pie]

Why do you want to be friends with a man who beat you and choked you? Don't you see that is twisted? THIS MAN beat you, choked you, he is NOT YOUR FRIEND! You can not help him, fix him and he does NOT deserve a damn thing from you. Cut him out of your life so you can heal.

Please get him completely out of your life or I'm afraid that you will allow him to resume a relationship with you and he will hurt you again. The relationship that an abuser has with his victim often has a sick dynamic to it, you need to realize that you are part of it and you need to get some help with it, please. You will never be free of him unless you take the steps required to get him OUT of your life. Don't you want more and deserve better for yourself?

 

I totally do want better for myself. This what I can't wrap my head around. I know you are 100% right - I know it, yet I feel so guilty sometimes if I don't forgive people. I feel like, who I am to not forgive someone because I'm not perfect either. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, that I should never even speak to him again. That he doesn't deserve my forgivness. But then I think, what if he is sorry? What if he has changed? Then my logic kicks in and says no, theres no possible way. My jealousy kicks in after finding out about the new girl and says is he finally changing for her? Is she so amazing and better than me? Was I really a bitch, is that why he's with her now and changing and not me? Why did he want to waste 2 years of my life and not change, but now he's met someone and wants to?

[Angel Pie]

You deserve better, plain and simple. No "man" puts lays a hand on a woman. This dude needs his ass kicked.

 

 

Thats where I'm stuck, I know I deserve better. I know I should absolutly never speak to him again. I just fear what if he is becoming the man he should have been? Why didnt he want to be better for me?

[GrayClouds]

First why are you even talking to him, second why are you even interested in his life, and final why are you not focus on your life.

He became abusive, but not like that typical abusive man that starts beating women for no reason. It was like, we we get into an argument and each time would get worse.

 

This is exactly how a typical abusive man starts.

 

 

I feel jealous in the sense as why didn't he want to change for me? Did he not love me enough? Why is he willing to change for this new person

 

This is exactly how a victim feels until they get help to work through the abuse.

 

He always said that it was my fault that he did all those things to me. That if I wasn't such a bitch that he would never have gotten mad. Is this true?

This is exactly how a abuser justifies HIS action and it is bull$hit. It clearly communicates he has not changed.

Has he changed, does she now get to have the life with him that was supposed to be mine?

Be thankful that it is not you for he has not change and as in your case a little time will pass and he will start abuse her, sad to say. But now you have to find some help to understand the affect this abuse has had, why you are willing to accept blame for it and what work you need to do to keep from ever finding yourself in a similar realtionship. I wish you well and good luck.

 

Be kind to yourself, start by find a professional to talk to, it will help.

 

 

.

[Sonolumino]

Thats where I'm stuck, I know I deserve better. I know I should absolutly never speak to him again. I just fear what if he is becoming the man he should have been? Why didnt he want to be better for me?

 

He is NOT becoming the man he should have been. Nobody "should have been" anybody else, and trying to change who people are is a futile and naive thing to try and do, because it always ends in failure. Although you may want to believe that he's changing into the person you wished he would be, he isn't. Just trust in that fact.

[LoveTruthChaos]

They never change.

[Angel1111]

These people are so unhealthy in every aspect of a person's life. You need to cut all ties with him and move on. And I mean that in the strictest sense. Don't even talk to his gf. Don't talk to either of them. Treat him like he fell off the face of the earth (and hope he has). What you're feeling about this new gf is just part of the 'hook' in abusive relationships. Because the relationship is so hurtful, you experience what is called 'traumatic bonding'. It makes absolutely no sense because every indication says that you should run as far away as from him as you can, but people do just the opposite. I believe that humans have such a keen sense of survival that when they're threatened to the degree that they are in abusive relationships, they adapt in the saddest way. Kind of like when a bird is in the grasp of a cat - it goes into a death daze.

 

One day you will jump for joy for being away from this person. You must know that his behavior is way off from anything even remotely normal. Even when people annoy others, they don't behave the way he did. I really recommend that you read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled "Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men)" and you'll never doubt again what this jerk is made of or if some special person will come along and change him. These people do not change because they enjoy the power of abusing other people too much. Read the book and you'll never look at him the same way again.

 

As far as his new gf is concerned, she can't be that smart if she's with him and makes excuses for him. There is no question that the abuse will start again. YOU did not ruin this guy's life. HE did that all by himself. But this is typical - abusers love to blame others for THEIR choices, for THEIR actions. Don't ever buy into this again with him or anyone else. Lose this guy in every sense of the word and be thankful that you got away clean - no kids, no ties. And btw, his behavior is extremely typical of abusers. They all work from the same book. Nothing original or new under the sun.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Angel1111

[Angel Pie]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have taken all the steps to cut ties. I deleted and blocked all his fam from fb and my phone. I have been focusing on me and doing what is right. I know this person is wrong for me and I have been talking to friends and doing so much reading. It's truly amazing how a person can have that much control over another. I need to become stronger and be more careful when choosing a potential man to date in the future. On the positive...I survived. I'm alive. I'm not that typical woman who stays forever. I know the signs. I guess I hope I'm not too picky and that I ruin something good with a new man in the future in fear that he will end up like the last one. This will def be a process and it will make me stronger. I know that he will continue to do this and that eventually I will hear tell of it. When I go to court, I will be honest and my only hopes is that they force him to get anger management, some kind of therapy so that he doesn't do to someone that he did to me and his ex. Again, Thank you so much for the help everyone. Every reply was read, understood and will be utilized.

[BB07]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have taken all the steps to cut ties. I deleted and blocked all his fam from fb and my phone. I have been focusing on me and doing what is right. I know this person is wrong for me and I have been talking to friends and doing so much reading. It's truly amazing how a person can have that much control over another. I need to become stronger and be more careful when choosing a potential man to date in the future. On the positive...I survived. I'm alive. I'm not that typical woman who stays forever. I know the signs. I guess I hope I'm not too picky and that I ruin something good with a new man in the future in fear that he will end up like the last one. This will def be a process and it will make me stronger. I know that he will continue to do this and that eventually I will hear tell of it. When I go to court, I will be honest and my only hopes is that they force him to get anger management, some kind of therapy so that he doesn't do to someone that he did to me and his ex. Again, Thank you so much for the help everyone. Every reply was read, understood and will be utilized.

 

Angel, I'm so proud of you and you should be proud of you! It sounds like you have taken steps to cut this person out of your life and you are seeing that he is toxic and you obviously are a smart lady so you will not get yourself into another situation like that. Be proud of you and be smart.

 

Again it's wonderful to read your post. Take care........of YOU.

 

Hugs.........

[mickleb]

Fantastic news, Angel Pie.

 

Well done. The only way is up.

 

Take care.

 

x

[Angel1111]

I am SO happy to hear this! Well done. Now, I just want you to be prepared that there's usually not an instant, magic cure and there may be moments when you weaken and want to see him - so don't be surprised if that happens every now and then. It'll stop and you'll have so much joy and self-respect from being away from this monster.

 

You're doing wonderfully and don't worry about future relationships. I can tell you first-hand that you'll be able to spot guys like him from 100 miles away. Things that you overlooked or made excuses for before will be so dead obvious to you from now on, and you will not compromise because you'll never want to experience that again. The guy I was with shortly after my divorce was the complete antithesis of my ex. He was married, so I don't recommend that you go down that road, but he was kind and very gentle and I so needed to be with someone like that after being around my ex. I'm sure that you'll find a wonderful man. And even if you don't, what you have right now is WAY better than remaining with your ex. As you said, there are so many people that stay for so long with men like this. I'm really happy for you.

[Angel Pie]

Thanks It's really weird how being being alone and choosing not to date anyone can leave me thinking about him. It's such a weird dynamic how an abused woman feels such a tie to that man. I never wanted to be hurt, I should have walked away sooner. I really have to learn to not accept things that are not good for me. I truly hope this will make me stronger and that I will never again be in this type of situation. I have to litterally forget this person and it's hard. Why do good times always outweigh the bad? It's bizarre. I stayed and stayed and accepted his aplogies and was always let down. I love those woman that don't take crap from anyman. My good friend told me that no man has ever used the f word at her. She said she would toss him away the moment a man said f u. I admire that. I want to be that. I will be that.

[Angel1111]

Up until I had been with my last husband, I never had a man say that to me either. I had never been with a man as bad as my last husband. I was in my late 30's when I met him. I can't imagine how women feel who meet men like this in their early 20's. I'm sure it's hard to believe that anything better exists. I do recall consciously thinking that even though I was aware that healthier relationships did exist, I found myself forgetting that when I was with him. Again, I believe this is a survival instinct that humans possess. I'm not sure it's actually a good thing though.

 

It's ok to remember the good things. I think it's better than remembering the bad stuff. But, if it helps you, what I did after my final conversation with my ex was that any time a thought about him popped up in my head, I would instantly dismiss it. The other thing I did for the following 6 mos was basically 'check out' from life. I don't mean I quit totally but I mean that I stopped doing everything that I didn't want or have to do and basically crawled into an emotional hole. I took care of my son, I went to work every day but beyond that, I did very little. It was time for me to wind down and heal, to get that relationship completely out of my system and that's how I did it. I don't know if it will help you but it really, really helped me. Deliberately not allowing ourselves to dwell on certain thoughts is an extremely powerful thing.

[Oxo]

Great to hear you cut all contact!! I did the exact same thing when it happened to me.

 

My very first boyfriend that I lived with from 16 to 18 was abusive and it was very gradual as well. When we were 17 i tried to leave and he held a knife to my throat. In the last few months, he was cheating with my best friend (cliche I know!) and so I finally got to leave once I found out.

 

He beat her as well which I found out through friends a few years later. He also sent me a huge apology email about 2 years ago begging my forgiveness and I just deleted it.

 

I heard he's now married with a kid so I worry, but the best thing to do with people like that is to run far, far away.

 

So proud of you!!

[health]

I'm happy your not with him! You have to ask yourself why you got yourself in that situation? If you had alot of drama in your home you could be lookng for it in relationships. Please make sure you find someone who doesn't abuse you mentally/physically the next time around. Find someone that excites you, that loves you, and accepts you for you.

[wendigo]

You are certainly not alone in this situation. My abusive ex dumped me (again) just over a week ago. I spent the week feeling fine and now today I am feeling a bit weak. In my mind now I call him 'insane' his behaviour was just that. It all leads to insanity how he misunderstood me through his insane paranoid controlling nature. He got me totally wrong. All the bad things he thought I was were his own manifestations of me. I absolutely loved him. The only time I was bad was when he was threatening me and I was scared, trying to hold on to the good, or retaliating.

 

It makes me sad that he got me wrong - but when I think about what happened when HE finished with me after me being upset about him staying out all night and not answering his phone and lying to me and various other things - I just think there is NO WAY I am going to be with someone who does that to me. I just dont want it. It makes me so sad. I wasn't being horrible. He got it wrong. I need someone who loves me and so do you. It is frightening thinking about moving on with someone else because I am not sure I will be able to see the signs and end up falling in love with someone the same. So the only way it seems is to take no crap at all - listen to your gut feeling.

 

I have got someone to talk to at my local women's centre although that is not enough, she is not a professional but it is someone I can talk to - I can't talk to my friends or family about it anymore, it's gone on for so long I'm embarrassed and I think they are fed up of trying with me. A support worker helps talk through the abuse part - the part that makes you feel it was your fault and can't let go. She helps me to let go. And this is where I think you need help, some support - so you can let him go.

 

I have also been looking on baggagereclaim.com to help with this.

 

come on, lets change our lives for the better. It is hard. But the life with them is not the one we really want - yes we want love - something really special - but what we had with them is not that. We want someone who is consistent in kindness and love and wont threaten us just because we feel a bit insecure, instead they will support us. I want to be myself and not walk on eggshells, I'm sick of the smallest thing developing in to a drama. Please get someone to talk to, it does help. You are doing so well in your decision.

 

Good Luck. Stay strong!.xx