What is wrong with me??

[colormepink]

Okay quick background... I have been married for 6 years, and we have been together for 7 years. We are both in our early twenties, and he is 3 years older then me. We have two great young kids.

 

About 6 months ago, I started finding out my DH was watching porn, it truly broke my heart, I cried for days, and we talked about why it bothered me and he promised not to do it again. He never comforted me when I cried he kind of just waited a few days till I came to him to talk or something which devastated me more, because I really needed him there. *It bothers me because we were each others first and it took a LOT for me to be sexual with him because I was molested by a family member for years, and my mom's BF*.

 

After that we have went through many times of me finding him on CL masterbating to women's pics on there, I am not sure if he contacted them, many more porn sites, looking up sex celeb tapes,eharmony, on his cell, and so on. Each time I would cry for days, and he would make promises just to break them. He would have sex with me like I was a porn star, and I won't get into the specifics of that, but I felt like I was rapped afterwards. I am really wild in the bedroom and it got to the point where he would make up excuses not to be with me and then I would catch him.

 

Then I found out he changed all his PW's and made a new email. He still hasn't given me the email PW. He wants to work on things and swears he isn't doing anything anymore. Today he took cash from my purse and said it was to get gas and food and so on for work. Everything inside of me wants to believe him but I can't the back of my head thinks he's lying, and used it to buy magazines or something...

 

He has also mentioned getting a laptop and the pure thought makes me want to vomit, because I think about all I have been through with him.

 

My trust is so shattered it's horrible. I do love him, but I can't say it to him when he says it to me because honestly if he loved me I feel like maybe he should of respected me more. I also can't have sex with him right now because when I do everything comes flooding back in my head. I do not feel beautiful when he says I am because of all this. I am 112 pounds at 5'4, I work out eat healthy, and take good care of myself so I guess I don't see why I wasn't enough.

 

To top it all off I can't even sleep at night because I keep having horrible dreams of reactment of my rapes, which has not ever been an issue in our marriage until now.

 

I not sure what to do anymore. Do I stay and work it out since all marriages go through hard times or what?? Can I even get over all of this? I don't know...

 

I asked if he was addicted and he truly thinks he's not and wont go to a counselor to see.

 

I am so confused and this is ALL I think about anymore...

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1.03.01

[You Go Girl]

He doesn't deserve your trust right now. He's broken it too many times, and you know he's still hiding things from you.

Can you work it out? There's no way of knowing until you have honest discussions about it.

If he won't be honest, there's nothing that can be done to repair the trust or get past this problem.

So far, he's done nothing except lie to you. He hasn't had an honest open discussion about the situation, not once, and you know it.

 

I think it is extremely unhealthy to compare what he is doing with what happened to you as a child. I know it is difficult because both are about sex, but you need to try to compartmentalize this, and not link these things to each other. He is not the person who abused you.

That said, it is a type of abuse to lie to you repeatedly. Why don't you try a counselor to work on handling your emotions? It won't fix his lying evasive behavior, but it could help you to feel stronger about coping with it all.

[AmIWrong]

[sIZE=2]Are you hurt because he watches porn or because he was deceptive about it? Many men…and women…enjoy viewing porn. You should definitely explore why you took issue with his porn habit to begin with, but make no mistake; this isn’t about his porn habit anymore. This is exactly the type of impasse that can turn an otherwise happy marriage into an unhappy one, as you’ve already discovered.

 

W: I don’t like it when you watch porn.

H: Sorry. I’ll stop.

 

H probably has every intention to stop, but something within him prevents him from being able to do that. Could be any number of things. Example: he formed an unhealthy connection to porn as he was reaching sexual maturity.

 

What H fails to recognize is that his "non-problem" is very much a problem in the marriage, so he needs to acknowledge it and treat it as he would any other threat. Sweeping it under the rug, as many people try to do, is never the right answer. In the meantime, W needs to explore what it is within her that makes her sensitive to his porn habit.

 

Different response, same result:

 

W: I don’t like it when you watch porn. (her insecurity rearing it’s ugly head)

H: It’s normal. Get over it! (him lacking empathy for his wife’s feelings)

W: It’s not normal. You have a problem. (finding fault with H is much easier than admitting her own insecurity)

H: I don’t have a problem, so I’ll stop; just to prove to you that I’m not addicted to porn. (H is now on the defensive and feels he has something to prove)

 

Again, H probably has every intention to stop, but…

 

I’m not saying this is what’s ailing your marriage. You have to do the work, either on your own or with a professional, to find the answers as they apply to you. If H is opposed to help, the choice is yours whether you accept him…warts and all…or you don’t. Because you have to accept the fact that you can’t change him. Just like he can’t change you. That’s not to say you and he CAN’T change, but change comes from within. GL!

[/sIZE]