When a woman is not as engaging in conversation.

[irc333]

Okay, this is something I've been wondering, when you're getting to know a lady at some kind of social event, among friends and such.

 

If you're getting to know her, and you start to talking, if you've noticed she didn't ask any questions (or very little) questions about YOU, does it mean she's not interested?

 

For instance, dialogue:

 

Man: Hi, my name is Todd

 

Her: I'm Susan (hands are shaken)

 

Man: So, how do you know the host of the party?

 

Her: I work with her

 

Man: Oh, so what do you do for work?

 

Her: I'm a nurse

 

Man: (pauses in case she asks him what he does, and she does not, then he says) I'm in sales (put some short job duty here), but that's a great industry, my sister is a nurse, she works with a lot of patients in the (name unit).

 

Her: Yeah, I work in the E.R.

 

Mah: I bet that's pretty intense sometimes

 

Her: Yeah, it can be, I have my days

 

(Still no question about the guy)

 

Man: So how long have you lived here?

 

Her: About 2 years.

 

Man: How do you like it here so far?

 

Her: It's pretty nice, I prefer it over where I used to live where the winters were very cold..

 

Him: Where did you live before that?

 

Her: Maine

 

....(notice she doesn't ask him about his geographic origin)

 

The conversation sounds normal enough. But noticed she never asked him what he does. (this is just an example, same thing could apply if you're talking about hobbies or whatever topic)

 

Now HERE'S a conversation where the woman is more engaging.

 

Man: (let's assume introductions are made, same scenario)

 

Man: Hi, my name is Todd

 

Her: I'm Julie, nice to meet you.

 

Man: So how do you know the host of the party?

 

Her: I know her from work, do you know her, too?

 

Man: Yeah, I've sold some medical related products to her

 

Her: Really? What do you do?

 

Man: I'm in medical sales

 

Her: What products do you sell?

 

Man: I sell mostly imaging related machines, X-rays, MRI's, etc

 

Her: Cool, I'm actually getting my certification imaging along with what I do

 

Man: Really? What do you do?

 

Her: I'm an RN

 

Man: Yeah, that's a great field to get into, my sister is a nurse too and works in the <name unit>

 

Her: Cool, when did she get her nursing degree?

 

Him: Around a couple of months ago

 

Her: Cool! I finished nursing school around the same time she did.

 

Him: So how long have you lived here?

 

Her: 2 years

 

Him: Where did you live originally, and what made you decide to live here?

 

Her: Maine, wanted the change of scenary, plus it's not as dreadfully cold, how long have you lived here?

 

Him: Pretty much all my life, grew up here, went to Highschool here as well..........................

 

You get the idea, but she's seems more inquisitive about him than in the previous banter.

 

That being said, is this where you can gauge the level of interest from a woman?

 

Where she seems interested in asking questions bout you as you are of her?

[Arbitrariness]

The short responses could be an indication that she wants you to go away, but that alone isn't enough. Analysing her body language while you converse is a better idea (uninterested, shy ect..). There is also the possibility that she isn't particually interested in her own work and is much more passionate about something else. Find out what it is and ask her about that instead.

[waynebrady]

Unfortunately lol, it's always the man's responsebility to initiate the conversation and be the one who is active and asks the questions and charm the woman and etc etc while the woman is more or less a bit more passive than the man, answering questions, being the reciever if that makes sense Also women in general are a bit more shy and reserved than men so that might explain why they don't ask that much questions about the man.

[irc333]

Not sure if that's entirely accurate. So you're saying you have to "pull it out of them"?

 

 

Unfortunately lol, it's always the man's responsebility to initiate the conversation and be the one who is active and asks the questions and charm the woman and etc etc while the woman is more or less a bit more passive than the man, answering questions, being the reciever if that makes sense Also women in general are a bit more shy and reserved than men so that might explain why they don't ask that much questions about the man.

[waynebrady]

Not sure if that's entirely accurate. So you're saying you have to "pull it out of them"?

 

Yep basicly lol

[irc333]

Actually, I find women like that to be boring, and I move on to someone that's not like that, plus....if that's the case, she's probably not interested in me anyway.

 

 

Yep basicly lol

[Lemontang]

I could probably say with scenario one I'd be less engaging with you too. There pretty rudimentary questions that 'every' other guy (or person) asks, so she probably picked up on that in the first few moments with a 'not another one' and tried to flick you off.

 

You'll find it easier to engage someone with more offbeat questions. People like humour so try to keep in that mind set and you'll find the conversation flow so much easier. No I'm not some pickup artist, but I do know how to bring a dead conversation back to life gain.

 

Also sometimes the conversation isn't all about you, people love talking about themselves so be prepared to listen not just tell. Don't just ask them bout what they do but what they love & hate about there job as well (few people ever ask this? Yet is one of the most engaging questions you could ask). Anyone can guide the conversation it's just about what you do with the input.

[GooseChaser]

I think Lemontang has some good points! Especially the parts about listening and considering more interesting and unusual topics of conversation to keep things fresh.

 

It's all about social skills, I think.

[a_woman]

I could probably say with scenario one I'd be less engaging with you too. There pretty rudimentary questions that 'every' other guy (or person) asks, so she probably picked up on that in the first few moments with a 'not another one' and tried to flick you off.

 

You'll find it easier to engage someone with more offbeat questions. People like humour so try to keep in that mind set and you'll find the conversation flow so much easier. No I'm not some pickup artist, but I do know how to bring a dead conversation back to life gain.

 

Also sometimes the conversation isn't all about you, people love talking about themselves so be prepared to listen not just tell. Don't just ask them bout what they do but what they love & hate about there job as well (few people ever ask this? Yet is one of the most engaging questions you could ask). Anyone can guide the conversation it's just about what you do with the input.

 

Nah, disagree. There are a lot of boring women out there who have little to offer in terms of engaging or entertaining conversation. Ignore those and pick one with a brain and GSOH

[Left in a Lurch]

I think the easiest way to find out is to ask more challenging questions. You can also respond in a way that would lead her to ask you more questions if she is interested.

 

Not a great example, but if she says she is a nurse you can say, "hmmmmm" and see if she asks you to clarify. There's a ton of ways you can go with that.

 

In your first example it sounds like you are doing a job interview. You can't assume every girl you talk to is going to be thinking, "oh my god, the most incredible person is talking to me! I must know everything about them!" right off the bat.

 

Some women will be like #1 and be a little interested and others will be like #2 and just be friendly. The key is to make her comfortable and not try to extract too much personal info from a stranger.

[Lemontang]

Spot on Chat Room Hereo. It's not just about asking questions but asking the 'right' questions or answering the question with a question.

Much like I do with my clients I work with I ask the questions a lot of my competitors fail to ask let alone think of. I'm not making this sound structured but they should be doing 75% of the talking, because you'll come across as engaging just by listening and what they give you from that will help you determine if they really are a boring person or there someone that just needs a little help being coaxed out of there shell.

 

Even something as simple as "love the outfit where'd you get it?" will have little affect on some people and they'll just say something like "walmart" and that's the end of the conversation. But something like "Love the outfit...I didn't know you could still get shoulder pads" will put on a completely different spin and you'd have to be stone cold for that person to not even crack the slightest of smiles. Which should open the door to more question.

[Lemontang]

"Waaahh why didn't she ask about me? It's MY turn waahhhh" .

lol. That is pure gold. If I only had a dollar for when my mates asked me that same question... well yeah you guessed it I'd be a pretty rich man. That comment made my day.

[Feelin Frisky]

"Man" seems to be interogating the "nurse: IMO. He's dominating. If she's not forthcoming I would lighten up and not be so probing. In ages past it would be two or three questions and then let's dance, shall we? (then her response would tell you what's what).

[Disillusioned]

Yes and no.

 

There are only so many things individuals have in common that they find interesting to talk about. That's why I don't talk tech stuff to women unless they bring it up.

 

It goes the other way as well. I'm not into sports, so when I've met women who are, they ended up doing most of the talking.

[lso802]

A girl like that is either not interested or doesn't know how to hold a convo. Even out of politeness or for a nervous person, they usually asks things like, "what about you?" Not worth the time IMO.

[irc333]

Spot on Chat Room Hereo. It's not just about asking questions but asking the 'right' questions

 

There is no such thing.

Nah, disagree. There are a lot of boring women out there who have little to offer in terms of engaging or entertaining conversation. Ignore those and pick one with a brain and GSO

 

In agreement here.

 

I'm not asking how to ask the right questions or how to have a conversation here in order to "win the lady into my arms".

 

My observation is, if a woman is somewhat "short" with you in conversation and lacking at the attempt at follow-thru, does it mean she's is/is not interested, OR is it just her normal style of conversation.

 

There is no "right" way to do this, because every woman is different.

[irc333]

Try not to shake hands with a chick you're interested in, it's too impersonal.

(I can't think of a very good alternative though right now.)

 

You can't think of anything else because you're an idiot, and that's only way to introduce yourself. Well, at least normal people, but you're probably not normal. I know some women that reach out to shake hands even.

 

Remember, this is INITIAL conversation, the better more "entertianing" stuff can come later as you get to know them.

 

I'm not going to address the rest Inceptor's rules insulting post anymore.

Friggin ask a question, and you get insulted and ripped apart on here.

I'm not "waaah, waaah" ing anything here. Just simply making

This post is actually de-railing from what I'm initially asking, not let's

"Pick apart, ridicule and insult the poster"

Hey, at least I'm getting out there and having a social life with "real life women" as you put it, instead of thinking of creative ways to insult people.

Edited September 12, 2010 by irc333

[EasyHeart]

I got bored about a third of the way through the OP. I'm sure this girl was bored much sooner and was desperately hoping that someone interesting would come along.

 

You're at a party and all you do is ask her to give you her biography? Be funny, be provocative, be smart -- heck, offend her! Do something to be memorable. I love when guys like this talk to women, because after he's done, all I have to do is talk about the weather and I'll be charming and witty in comparison.

[irc333]

-- heck, offend her!

 

That only works with women who like being offended, if I have to offend a woman to interest her, then she's not the woman for me. Move on to the next one.

 

If I said "Hey, nice set of juggs ya have there, mind if I eat some of this dip from in your cleavage?"

 

Of course, I heard some friends like you talk this way, say something offensive to a woman, you'll piss of 9 of them but the 10th one my go home to sleep with you...so if you're interested in going that direction, knock yourself out.

 

I think it all has to do, also, on wether you click or not as well.

 

Also, people who bore easily(which unfortunately why divorces are on the rise and relationships die as quickly as they started) are not good for long-term relationships anyhow.

 

Now the advice here is probably great for those people interested in immediate satisfaction, and short term....so this would depend on the situation. So I would have to agree, that such methods would work, but depends on where you're going with it.

[Left in a Lurch]

 

I'm not asking how to ask the right questions or how to have a conversation here in order to "win the lady into my arms".

 

 

There is no "right" way to do this, because every woman is different.

 

I know you're not asking that. I am telling you that you cannot gauge a woman's interest based on a line of interview questions. I am telling you that you could better tell if she was interested if you use a better line of questions.

To ask if a woman is interested based her short answers from a short interview, Q and A style, conversation about the basics where she doesn't fully engage you is like pissing in the wind.

There is no concrete way to tell if she is interested from that. Not all women wear their interest on their sleeve.

The only truthful answer you could ever get from that is maybe she is, maybe she isn't which makes the original question an excercise in futility.

[lacoqueta]

Did you make that whole scenario up? I was only asking because it's kind of crazy, i met a guy with the same name who was asking questions about me but i didn't ask him any questions about himself. What's even crazier is that he also has a sister that's in the same line of work as I am but it's not nursing.

 

I can tell you that even though she didn't ask questions doesn't mean she wasn't interested. I actually was afraid that this guy might think that of me after we all parted ways. I was interested in him but was kind of shy and also just wanted to play it cool. I never know what to do, some say guys like the chase and not to come on too strong. I can be a huge flirt but was trying to feel him out first to see if I even wanted to bother....He seemed pretty cool and I know i'm going to see him around again so hopefully i will get another chance to talk and show my interest.

[spiderowl]

There are all sorts of reasons why someone might not engage in conversation, I suppose. Some that come to mind are:

 

- she's tired and finding it hard to think imaginatively at that moment in time

- she's shy

- she's not very confident and is wondering why you're taking the trouble to talk to someone so unworthy

- she's not interesting in developing a relationship so it's just chit-chat

- she's waiting for you to take the lead in letting her know you're interested in talking to her at more than chit-chat level (you could ask something more personal or give her a compliment if you are interested in more than friendship)

- she's been chatted up before plenty of times and is wondering what your angle is (i.e. are you just being friendly or chatting her up with a view to (i) getting her into bed quick, or (ii) a proper relationship?)

- she could just be idly waiting for a friend and her mind is elsewhere.

 

I'm sure there are loads of other reasons I haven't thought of.

 

Like you, I like to feel it's pretty even when talking to someone, but I do tend to leave it to the guy to take things to a more personal level if I don't know what prompted him to start talking to me. I like to feel he is interested and not just passing time until his friends give him a lift home.

Edited September 13, 2010 by spiderowl

[EasyHeart]

That only works with women who like being offended, if I have to offend a woman to interest her, then she's not the woman for me. Move on to the next one.

 

If I said "Hey, nice set of juggs ya have there, mind if I eat some of this dip from in your cleavage?"

 

Of course, I heard some friends like you talk this way, say something offensive to a woman, you'll piss of 9 of them but the 10th one my go home to sleep with you...so if you're interested in going that direction, knock yourself out.

Ummmm, no. I never said anything about being crude.

 

How do you talk to your friends? Don't you ever tease them or give them grief? Talk to women the same way you talk to other people. If you met another guy, would you start grilling him about his job or where he's from?

[dispatch3d]

What you are onto is called "report". In example one the guy is seeking report with the girl, and the girl is basically denying seeking report with the guy. If you were to map out higher value in this instance, i would say girl>guy.

 

To the first conversation I would get bored and leave. I would talk to someone who I found fun to talk to.

 

I also wouldn't seek report with the girl until she did so with me, or showed some kind of interest. Otherwise, no personal questions - why are you here, what do you do, blablabla no none of that. I would look at the conversation as a source of entertainment. If she offered no fun insights, no interesting topics, I would move to someone who did. I would expect myself to do both (obviously).

 

looking at the first situation as oh **** she isn't interested is blah. I see no point. She isn't required to like me or not like me I barely know her.

[D-Jam]

I don't agree on the idea that you shouldn't shake hands...but I also think going in with "hi" and "what do you do?" is bland, typical, cliche, and many women in the dating sense will get all "ho hum" very quick.

 

If I were in that scenario, I'd first see if we make eye contact and any positive sign. So let's say I was at the social event, mingling, chatting with people I know, drinking wine, etc...and "Susan" maybe looked at me once and never again...I wouldn't bother.

 

BUT...if I catch her checking me out many times, and even when we make contact she smiles or smiles and turns away...then I'll walk over and take a chance.

 

I'd also keep things engaging, and get her to talk about herself.

 

"What do you do?" shouldn't come out of your mouth. I know it's so easy and work is a deep part of everyone's life, but it's also become a "blah" thing that turns people away.

 

I'd first start with hellos, and some "how are you tonight" talk without getting into names or work. If I can see she's answering me back cheerfully and seems engaged, then I'll get into names and even a handshake.

 

From there, I'd pass her a compliment on her outfit. Nothing over the top. Just quickly pick something and say "That's a beautiful ____ you have on." If she thanks me, then I'd toss in how I love her sense of style.

 

At that point, maybe it would be things like where you're from and if it's something interesting...talk about that. So if she said she's from Oak Park (neighborhood at the western edge of Chicago), I'd tell her how much I like Oak Park and have been meaning to check out the market fest there (pull out any info you might have). Or I'd say I love Oak Park and mention the Frank Lloyd Wright homes I've seen there. If she's from someplace not as interesting, like Wrigleyville, I'd ask if she's a Cubs fan, or even jokingly ask her how she deals with the loud insanity of weekends on Clark Street.

 

The point is to engage in conversation that tries to get to know her OUTSIDE of her work. Work for many is an unpleasant place and/or busy place. Weekends are meant to get away from that...so why would someone want to talk about it?

 

At that point, it merely becomes a means of branching. You get into more details about the subject you were in. So if we were yacking about Oak Park, and she tells me in-depth about that market fest for a few minutes, I listen, show I'm listening and engaged, and even ask questions IF I have them.

 

I DO NOT ask questions in the hopes to keep her in a conversation.

 

I could then talk about how I need to get down there more for the art galleries and that I spend too much time in the gallery district downtown. I might get more in-depth info, or just interest and her claiming she herself needs to get to them, or she just might give me a short bland answer.

 

NOW...if I get a short bland answer AT ANY POINT, I hold back a moment to see if she engages me. Even if she asks me "so what do you do?", at least then I know she does want to get to know me. She might have decided that if I asked her that moment to go to my place that she'll be there naked and ready...or if I asked for her number she would hand it to me without question...or decided I'm not anything she wants to date, but might make friends with...or just be undecided.

 

They key point is to gauge interest and not be afraid of the conversation dying.

 

ALSO...learn to make a graceful exit. Biggest mistake many men make, including the OP, is that they're trying to force a conversation out of someone. So you're hoping for a chance, but she's wishing you would go away. Short answers, not asking about you, etc...those are all clear signs.

 

At that point, tell her it was nice to meet her and wish a good night, then head off and LEAVE HER ALONE UNLESS SHE COMES UP TO YOU LATER.

 

In the end, the "game" is about making yourself look interesting and appealing, but not getting pushy on her. If you know how to flirt and play with conversation effectively, then it'll work better. If not, then don't.

 

ASK HER FOR HER NUMBER OR A DATE?

 

No. You do that when you can really see that she's interested. So let's say I talked about the market fest or the galleries, and she even tosses out how we should meet up and check it out...then you're in.

 

If she says she always wanted to see those places, then restrain yourself. This doesn't mean she wants to see them with you.

 

Now if you two happen to chat for hours or all night, and even when her friend is saying it's time to go and she doesn't want to, then you simply ask her if you could call her next week.

 

If she says yes and gives you her number, cool. Call her on Monday or Tuesday.

 

If she gets reluctant and asks instead for your number, or gives you her email instead...then give her your number or take down her email, but bear in mind that she probably doesn't want to know you any further than that night. If she calls you, cool. If she gave you her email, then drop her a line on Monday or Tuesday to say hi and see if she comes back with conversation. At that point, you still might have a shot, but it'll take time.

 

If she says no or makes some excuse to leave you with nothing, say goodnight and move on.

 

If she gives you her number and then vanishes (never picks up nor calls you back)...just call ONCE and leave a message saying hi. Nothing more. If she doesn't call you back within a day or two...move on.

 

 

 

It also helps to present yourself well when at the event. So if you're thinking polo shirt and jeans because it's comfy, change the shirt to something nicer. Women will notice the guy who got more decked up more than the guy who comes looking as plain as the other guys in the room.

 

 

Questions? Comments?