SDemeter Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 So my husband is from a small town out in the middle of nowhere. He's very good-looking, easy-going and was one of the only men out there who treated women well, thus all of his friends from his old days are women. He moved to the big city with me 3 years ago and has not been back since. He keeps in touch with them via Facebook. I almost never use FB. But there was recently a little flurry of activity when an old male friend of his made a FB account and I'd heard a lot of funny tales about this guy, and I wanted to encourage him to get in touch with one of his male friends, for once. So I friended the guy, invited him to come out and stay with us, and then started saying hello to all his female friends... including one of his ex-girlfriends. I made a post on her wall saying nice things and trying to start some chit-chat with her, but she avoided everything I said--like almost entirely ignored me--and kept talking about my H in a really personal and nostalgic kind of way. I got the distinct impression she still very much has a thing for him, and I say as much to my H about it. He laughs it off and tells me that she and I are a lot alike, both smart and funny... he's never said anything nice about her before. Well then he tells me that she's getting a divorce. ANd that she wants him to call. But then he says that he told her he won't call. But I get a feeling about this. So I logged into his FB account and I notice they've been going back and forth quite a bit, actually, and the only exchange he ever mentioned to me was this most recent one. I was under the impression he hadn't spoken to her other than that, but no, he's been talking to her on-and-off for months. She actually writes a little snarky message about me, and begs him to come back to his hometown. Tells him that she needs to talk to him. Tells him that she's getting divorced. He does NOT say that he won't call her. In fact, he says he will, and he does not say anything to defend me from her snarks. So I get an even more bad feeling about this. Not to mention, I'm seriously pissed off at her for going there with him knowing damn well he's married. I decide to kind of test this water. Before he's always been insistent that he does not want to go back to his hometown, hates it, doesn't miss anyone, and so on. So I say to him, "Do you think you'd like to go back home for a few days?" And he says, "Yeah, that might be nice. I haven't seen my Dad in awhile." Now that sounds innocuous enough until you know that he has never said a single nice thing about his dad, ever. He's careful to say that he'll only go if we can afford it, but he does notice that he has some vacation time to spare... So maybe I'm just barking up the wrong tree here, but I get the distinct feeling that there's something potentially simmering here. He and I have had some problems, but I've figured it's just normal two-people-living-together stuff. Still, I'm not stupid. I know how that grass-is-greener stuff works. I'm a good-looking woman, but so is she, and he doesn't have to deal with her every day. In the warm glow of nostalgia, she might look interesting, especially since she's seeking him out. He's not saying yes quite yet, but he's definitely not saying no. I don't know, though. Of all the men I could have married, he seems on the surface to be the least likely to cheat and he's never given me any reason to think he would. Still... I just get the feeling that he'd do this if he has the chance. I've been through a lot in my life and I never really expected to have a spouse who is faithful the whole way through. I told him from the beginning that if he does something like this, to not let me find out about it, to have the common decency to protect my feelings and dignity and health, and not to screw me over if he decides he's "in love" or whatever by springing the old "I'm leaving you" out of the clear blue, but to give me a good walking start so I don't have to suffer financially. I've been the type who is content not to snoop or pry into his habits, however when this woman started to throw a lot of signals in my face (really, it was pretty cheeky, even if it was subtle), I feel like those terms have been broken, so yeah, I checked. Primarily, I'm worried about this woman (who may be looking for a serious relationship and has a violent temperament) might disturb our family, and I feel like it's only reasonable that I follow up on it in case I need to protect myself. It might be nothing, but argh, I hate this feeling of not trusting him. What do you all think? Is there any good way to stop this, or is this just going to happen?
hunnybea Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 You need to talk to him. Let him know what you've found and that you are concerned. ALL men are capable of cheating...especially the ones you never thought would do it. I never in a million years thought mine would...and neither did he...but it happened. If he isn't letting you know about their conversations, there's something wrong...and it will turn into a full blown thing eventually. Talk to him...not argue, not accuse, but talk...communicate. Good luck.
jj33 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 He does NOT say that he won't call her. In fact, he says he will, and he does not say anything to defend me from her snarks. So I get an even more bad feeling about this. Not to mention, I'm seriously pissed off at her for going there with him knowing damn well he's married. .... .... .... He's not saying yes quite yet, but he's definitely not saying no. .... I've been through a lot in my life and I never really expected to have a spouse who is faithful the whole way through. I told him from the beginning that if he does something like this, to not let me find out about it, to have the common decency to protect my feelings and dignity and health, and not to screw me over if he decides he's "in love" or whatever by springing the old "I'm leaving you" out of the clear blue, but to give me a good walking start so I don't have to suffer financially. I've been the type who is content not to snoop or pry into his habits, however when this woman started to throw a lot of signals in my face (really, it was pretty cheeky, even if it was subtle), I feel like those terms have been broken, so yeah, I checked. Primarily, I'm worried about this woman (who may be looking for a serious relationship and has a violent temperament) might disturb our family, and I feel like it's only reasonable that I follow up on it in case I need to protect myself. It might be nothing, but argh, I hate this feeling of not trusting him. What do you all think? Is there any good way to stop this, or is this just going to happen? Sorry you are going through this. I think you need to look at your own boundaries. You have told him to protect your dignity and not to let you find out about it. Basically youve given him permission if he is careful and discreet. Did you REALLY mean to do that? I think you need to come clean with him and say look this is making me uncomfortable I did look at your FB, I know I said xyz but I feel differently now I dont want you to discreetly see anyone. I dont want you to see anyone at all. I am guessing you are going to say you never gave him permission but from what you have written it sounds like he may think you did. You need to sort this out and start communicating with him directly before this spirals out of control Good luck
chained200 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 So my husband is from a small town out in the middle of nowhere. He's very good-looking, easy-going and was one of the only men out there who treated women well, thus all of his friends from his old days are women. He moved to the big city with me 3 years ago and has not been back since. He keeps in touch with them via Facebook. I almost never use FB. But there was recently a little flurry of activity when an old male friend of his made a FB account and I'd heard a lot of funny tales about this guy, and I wanted to encourage him to get in touch with one of his male friends, for once. So I friended the guy, invited him to come out and stay with us, and then started saying hello to all his female friends... including one of his ex-girlfriends. I made a post on her wall saying nice things and trying to start some chit-chat with her, but she avoided everything I said--like almost entirely ignored me--and kept talking about my H in a really personal and nostalgic kind of way. I got the distinct impression she still very much has a thing for him, and I say as much to my H about it. He laughs it off and tells me that she and I are a lot alike, both smart and funny... he's never said anything nice about her before. Well then he tells me that she's getting a divorce. ANd that she wants him to call. But then he says that he told her he won't call. But I get a feeling about this. So I logged into his FB account and I notice they've been going back and forth quite a bit, actually, and the only exchange he ever mentioned to me was this most recent one. I was under the impression he hadn't spoken to her other than that, but no, he's been talking to her on-and-off for months. She actually writes a little snarky message about me, and begs him to come back to his hometown. Tells him that she needs to talk to him. Tells him that she's getting divorced. He does NOT say that he won't call her. In fact, he says he will, and he does not say anything to defend me from her snarks. So I get an even more bad feeling about this. Not to mention, I'm seriously pissed off at her for going there with him knowing damn well he's married. I decide to kind of test this water. Before he's always been insistent that he does not want to go back to his hometown, hates it, doesn't miss anyone, and so on. So I say to him, "Do you think you'd like to go back home for a few days?" And he says, "Yeah, that might be nice. I haven't seen my Dad in awhile." Now that sounds innocuous enough until you know that he has never said a single nice thing about his dad, ever. He's careful to say that he'll only go if we can afford it, but he does notice that he has some vacation time to spare... So maybe I'm just barking up the wrong tree here, but I get the distinct feeling that there's something potentially simmering here. He and I have had some problems, but I've figured it's just normal two-people-living-together stuff. Still, I'm not stupid. I know how that grass-is-greener stuff works. I'm a good-looking woman, but so is she, and he doesn't have to deal with her every day. In the warm glow of nostalgia, she might look interesting, especially since she's seeking him out. He's not saying yes quite yet, but he's definitely not saying no. I don't know, though. Of all the men I could have married, he seems on the surface to be the least likely to cheat and he's never given me any reason to think he would. Still... I just get the feeling that he'd do this if he has the chance. I've been through a lot in my life and I never really expected to have a spouse who is faithful the whole way through. I told him from the beginning that if he does something like this, to not let me find out about it, to have the common decency to protect my feelings and dignity and health, and not to screw me over if he decides he's "in love" or whatever by springing the old "I'm leaving you" out of the clear blue, but to give me a good walking start so I don't have to suffer financially. I've been the type who is content not to snoop or pry into his habits, however when this woman started to throw a lot of signals in my face (really, it was pretty cheeky, even if it was subtle), I feel like those terms have been broken, so yeah, I checked. Primarily, I'm worried about this woman (who may be looking for a serious relationship and has a violent temperament) might disturb our family, and I feel like it's only reasonable that I follow up on it in case I need to protect myself. It might be nothing, but argh, I hate this feeling of not trusting him. What do you all think? Is there any good way to stop this, or is this just going to happen? I didn't find out on an internet site that my wife cheated on me, but I found out through a text message on her cell phone. I'm sorry that you're here and I wish the best for you.
Spark1111 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 So my husband is from a small town out in the middle of nowhere. He's very good-looking, easy-going and was one of the only men out there who treated women well, thus all of his friends from his old days are women. He moved to the big city with me 3 years ago and has not been back since. He keeps in touch with them via Facebook. I almost never use FB. But there was recently a little flurry of activity when an old male friend of his made a FB account and I'd heard a lot of funny tales about this guy, and I wanted to encourage him to get in touch with one of his male friends, for once. So I friended the guy, invited him to come out and stay with us, and then started saying hello to all his female friends... including one of his ex-girlfriends. I made a post on her wall saying nice things and trying to start some chit-chat with her, but she avoided everything I said--like almost entirely ignored me--and kept talking about my H in a really personal and nostalgic kind of way. I got the distinct impression she still very much has a thing for him, and I say as much to my H about it. He laughs it off and tells me that she and I are a lot alike, both smart and funny... he's never said anything nice about her before. Well then he tells me that she's getting a divorce. ANd that she wants him to call. But then he says that he told her he won't call. But I get a feeling about this. So I logged into his FB account and I notice they've been going back and forth quite a bit, actually, and the only exchange he ever mentioned to me was this most recent one. I was under the impression he hadn't spoken to her other than that, but no, he's been talking to her on-and-off for months. She actually writes a little snarky message about me, and begs him to come back to his hometown. Tells him that she needs to talk to him. Tells him that she's getting divorced. He does NOT say that he won't call her. In fact, he says he will, and he does not say anything to defend me from her snarks. So I get an even more bad feeling about this. Not to mention, I'm seriously pissed off at her for going there with him knowing damn well he's married. I decide to kind of test this water. Before he's always been insistent that he does not want to go back to his hometown, hates it, doesn't miss anyone, and so on. So I say to him, "Do you think you'd like to go back home for a few days?" And he says, "Yeah, that might be nice. I haven't seen my Dad in awhile." Now that sounds innocuous enough until you know that he has never said a single nice thing about his dad, ever. He's careful to say that he'll only go if we can afford it, but he does notice that he has some vacation time to spare... So maybe I'm just barking up the wrong tree here, but I get the distinct feeling that there's something potentially simmering here. He and I have had some problems, but I've figured it's just normal two-people-living-together stuff. Still, I'm not stupid. I know how that grass-is-greener stuff works. I'm a good-looking woman, but so is she, and he doesn't have to deal with her every day. In the warm glow of nostalgia, she might look interesting, especially since she's seeking him out. He's not saying yes quite yet, but he's definitely not saying no. I don't know, though. Of all the men I could have married, he seems on the surface to be the least likely to cheat and he's never given me any reason to think he would. Still... I just get the feeling that he'd do this if he has the chance. I've been through a lot in my life and I never really expected to have a spouse who is faithful the whole way through. I told him from the beginning that if he does something like this, to not let me find out about it, to have the common decency to protect my feelings and dignity and health, and not to screw me over if he decides he's "in love" or whatever by springing the old "I'm leaving you" out of the clear blue, but to give me a good walking start so I don't have to suffer financially. I've been the type who is content not to snoop or pry into his habits, however when this woman started to throw a lot of signals in my face (really, it was pretty cheeky, even if it was subtle), I feel like those terms have been broken, so yeah, I checked. Primarily, I'm worried about this woman (who may be looking for a serious relationship and has a violent temperament) might disturb our family, and I feel like it's only reasonable that I follow up on it in case I need to protect myself. It might be nothing, but argh, I hate this feeling of not trusting him. What do you all think? Is there any good way to stop this, or is this just going to happen? Yes. Say: I am uncomfortable with you seeing a former gf now going through a divorce who is begging you to come visit while making disparaging comments about me. If you do decide to visit, I will need to go with you and we can meet her together. If you decide not to go, fine. But then I need to insist you stop communicating with her, period. It is making me feel threatened and I love you too much to risk us to this woman.
Iconoclast Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 You need to take control and put a stop to this. This is how an affair begins. They are forming emotional attachments to each other. Do not let him go visit her by himself. She says crap about you and he does not defend you? He's drifting already. Don't go all nuclear on him, just gently tell him that it's inappropriate and it hurts you, and to please stop. Then monitor the situation. If he does not stop. You will have to take more severe action. These things can get bad real quick, and it may be deeper than you suspect already. Are they calling and texting? You better check. Be discreet. Is she really getting a divorce? Do a little digging. If this progresses, her husband could be your greatest ally.
jj33 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 It doesn't matter whether you wanted him to never reveal him cheating on you. He still should've never done that because deniablity or not, affairs threaten marriages. You need to let him know that you don't trust him and tell him to tell you what's been going on or you'll leave him. Thats generally solid advice but the more pertinent issue is her expectatoins. She never expected him to be faithful to her. And now it appears he may be living right up to the low bar that was set. Its the expectations that need to change and her communication of her expectations.
2sunny Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 tell him you know he's kept his correspondence with her a secret... and it's inappropriate. do not let him try to blame you for his bad behavior = HE did it. IF he goes = you go with him, see if he's still so anxious to spend his vacation time with you and a visit to his Dad. remember = when there is nothing to hide, people hide nothing. he's got an agenda and that is why he's hiding from you. that alone is a big red flag.
YellowShark Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 1) He is stealing/removing passion and emotion that should be reserved for your marriage and investing it elsewhere. That destroys your marriage. 2) You two are 50% responsible for what happens in the marriage, but he is 100% responsible for the affair. You are not responsible. That equation is absolutely unalterable. Best of luck.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 (edited) ...She never expected him to be faithful to her. And now it appears he may be living right up to the low bar that was set. Its the expectations that need to change and her communication of her expectations. I second this; nice observation, jj. The conversation needs to be about revisiting the boundaries/expectations you setup in your own marriage. I would agree with the others that say this guy is stepping very close (if not already over) the line, if you didn't share what you two discussed previously. If you and your H really did agree to the "just don't let me find out about it" rule, you guys need to talk about how YOU may have made a mistake. Be careful what you ask for... Edited September 14, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27
jj33 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Agreed Conflicted. SDemeter I think it stems from some fear on your part that you dont want to ask for something that you dont think is acheiveable. For some reason you think it may be inevitable. Im sure your conversation was I dont want you to ever cheat but if you ever did.... And if he is flirting with the idea of cheating it is NOT your fault (not suggesting that at all) and its not inevitable. People can flirt with ideas without beginning to act on them. Thats what fantasies and daydreams are all about. but you need to let him know it is NOT OK. And it will damage your marriage and your trust. Perhaps irretreivably. For all my posts on LS I am not a model of great commuications in relationships but I know I wouldnt be able to sit on that information. If you are, I suspect its because you are afraid of what he will say. Afraid of him denying what you know is true, afraid of him putting it back on you (why were you on his FB) etc. But you dont have to be afraid. You need to be bold and take control so that you are clearly communicating your needs to him.
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