hardknocklife1 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 This is my first post to this site and I really need some serious advice and help. Let me apoligize for a lengthy post, but it's not an easily explained situation. I am a divorced, early thirties mother of 2 children and have been in a committed relationship with a man in his late forties for about a year now. It was a whirlwind romance from day 1. I actually thought there was something special between us the moment we met, but the realistic side of me said yeah right, he'll take my # and never call. Boy was I wrong within a week he made his intentions towards me very clear, no holds barred, keys to his place, use of his credit card, meeting his family and the feelings were mutual. He has shown so much dedication to me, 2 months into the relationship my daughter who is 5 was hospitalized for about a month(she has a very rare and serious disease) and he spent every single night sleeping on a tiny couch in her hospital room. I knew then that he really was in love with me. Things progressed and this man ended up building us a big beautiful house, allowing me to pick out everything for it, my little girl calls him Daddy, he refers to me as his wife, even though I have no ring yet and we aren't married. He's been working 2 jobs just to make ends meet with the new house. He is a gorgeous man, former pro athlete and body builder and basically the man of my dreams! Sounds perfect, right? WRONG! About 5 months ago I noticed he stopped initiating sex and when we did have sex, he seemed very lazy and uninterested in anything other than me doing all the work to satisfy him...a total 360! Sure enough, he has stopped all initiations for several months now. I have tried to talk to him using different approaches and all I get from him is "you don't understand the pressure and stress I am going through with my job right now and money, sex just isn't on my mind". Now, I am a very understanding woman, but 5 MONTHS?!? This seems extreme. I've even accused him of having someone else, he got very angry and honestly, he really couldn't unless he's Houdini. I can always reach him at work or the gym and he comes straight home, never goes out with the boys even. To make matters worse, I was in a serious car accident 2 months ago and am on medical leave. I was a competitive distance runner, so when we met I was a size 0/2 since being on bed rest I've put on a good 15 pounds and am now a 6/8 (still not fat by most anyone's standards) yet he just can't resist making snarky comments about my weight gain! Even through the pain of my injuries, I still want him, yes for sex, but for intimacy. Now I feel trapped. I am depressed, my self esteem is shot, I have no family, he is my life and this is breaking my heart. Before all of this, we were that couple everyone else envied, we had that love,passion and romance and now I feel like it's gone for good. If I try to bring it up to him he tells me it's really annoying that I keep asking the same thing that he has already answered. So, men out there, is this at all normal? Or does he have issues for real? Our sex life was extremely passionate, exciting and FREQUENT for several months, then he just stopped. Now when I do initiate, he'll do it, but with no kissing, no foreplay, etc. I don't know how much longer I can take this. He keeps asking me what's wrong and I swear one of these days I may just lose it and my answer will ruin our relationship forever. I do everything for this man;cook,clean,laundry,errands,even though I am injured. I have asked him to tell me what would get him in the mood and he just seems completely uninterested and what's more disturbing is he seems even less interested in fixing things. What can I do to help him through this. I want my soulmate back. Why is he doing this?
BB07 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Maybe he is depressed or possibly some medical issue is going on? Although it sounds like things moved at a alarmingly fast pace and this man might be someone that you don't know that well and perhaps now who he really is coming through. Maybe suggest to him that he say a dr and get checked out and keep trying to talk with him, although he isn't giving you much hope of communicating with you as to what the problem is.
BB07 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Maybe he is depressed or possibly some medical issue is going on? Although it sounds like things moved at a alarmingly fast pace and this man might be someone that you don't know that well and perhaps now who he really is coming through. Maybe suggest to him that he say a dr and get checked out and keep trying to talk with him, although he isn't giving you much hope of communicating with you as to what the problem is. I'd also like to add it is NEVER good to make someone else your life. Make friends, have interests and hobbies that are yours and yours alone. Your happiness shouldn't be completely dependent on him.
TaraMaiden Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 yeah, ditto. (prostate? diabetes? Smoking? anaemia? all possible!) And - Absolutely ditto. Both posts sound right on the mark.
Author hardknocklife1 Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 Thanks you all so far for trying to help. I did think of the medical thing and we actually go to the same Doctor. Although he wouldn't come out and tell the Doc about the lack of libido, I mentioned it, but I didn't even have to. The Doctor had ran a blood test from before and his estrogen levels were way off which makes men have no sex drive and act like PMS! He's been on treatments for 2 months, nothing has changed. Also, let me clarify, I didn't intent for him to become my whole world but through circumstance, I don't have any options right now if I did want to leave (which I truly don't). I just moved to this city less than 2 yrs ago, for a job, knowing no one here. All I did was work 12 hour days, so my only aqcuaintances are from work and they shouldn't know this type of thing. I have NO family at all and now I have a head and spine injury and can't drive places and am in bed all the time. He began as sharing my world, now I just feel like a burden, plus I can't move away cause the childrens hospital is 10 mins away for my daughter. I was independant before I met him, I just wanted to clarify.
DaisyLeigh Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 He is not into you. Find someone who is. Stop doing for him. He has functional arms and so he can damn well clean and cook for himself.
always available Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 I believe all responses seem logical. First off,. U definitely should have taken it slower at the beginning. I know sometimes,whether we want to admit it or not, we become desperate and want to find someone to fill a void in our life. A romantic companion should never be that filler. You and yourself alone should be that filler. The duration of your relationship is not that long. You should still be learning about eachother, not suffering like this. It seems that he did quite a bit at the beginning and as every relationship shows, it seemed like the real deal. I,ve been there. As a recovering A**hole, I can tell u that I did everything in my power to get a women to like me by being sweet and doing everything to get her approval.. This of coarse ended when I did get her. You see, I was weak and felt like a weanie in life so even though the women was amazing, I was insecure and ruined it. I believe this is the case in ur situation. However I do believe the feelings at the beginning of ur relationship are retrievable. Be a women:. Manipulative and scandolous(to get what is rightfully urs...not to get revenge or be evil). Get him mad at u for being independent and not entirely relying on him. Be strong and he will follow. In my situatuon, I drove the amazing women away but a few weeks later regretted it. I wanted her. If she knew how to be strong herself (as we were both unprepared for a relationship) and use what God gave her, she would have been back into my arms. Women dont like weak men and will look for strength elswhere which she did and found. I hope this helps.
Author hardknocklife1 Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 @Daisy, you know, I probably would have coined that popular phrase "he's just not that into you" also, yet I would have to say, I know that isn't it. This man has been through hell and back to be with me and stood by my side. He spent his life savings to build the dream home that I picked for us, he goes to my 5yr old's PTA meetings and he's not even her father. I could go on for hours. Believe me I have spent hours toiling over whether it is me and there is NO WAY any man would invest this much into a relationship with someone they're just not that into! @Always, I do think there is a lot of truth to what you said about "once he knows he has me, He doesn't have to put in any more work". And he is the type of guy in the past, who could get anyone he wanted, but pushing 50, he's realizing, he can't keep up with that game anymore. We just had a HUGE talk and really 99 percent of all of this boils down to $ and depression issues with work. He thought once he built our dream home everything would fall into place. Now every other week they threaten to lay him off, etc. I think he is very depressed, I just basically told him to stop punishing the person who loves him because you are unhappy at work.
Feelin Frisky Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Hate to be the one to question this but he comes straight home, are you certain he comes home straight. I mean some guys who go the other way do try to have these campaigns of being straight and trying to live the hetero dream only to have their nature eventually win--five months would not be atypical. He does seem vain. It sure doesn't seem like you've done anything wrong to be emotionally abandoned and physically neglected. I'm sorry if this is an unsettling thought.
mark982 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 hardknock, he's pushing 50. working 2 jobs to build you the dream house. it's great that the dr is treating him for the e2 levels. what what did dr say abouthis test levels,and free test levels? as a former body builder he's well aware of what happens when test level plummet.
mitchell Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 He sounds depressed. Having built the dream castle for his princess, perhaps he worries every moment if he has bitten off more than he can chew. Have you had a serious financial discussion with him? Perhaps he is stressing over the money and work to the point where he cannot think of sex. Consider selling your home and downsizing to a more affordable situation. Support your man in this situation. He is hurting. His difficulty supporting his family is hurting his manhood.
SoleMate Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 When he comes straight home, are you certain he comes home straight? I mean some [gay] guys do try to have these campaigns of being straight and trying to live the hetero dream only to have their nature eventually win.... Good question, I was wondering the same. Many men who are gay at heart have spent long years doing the hetero act. Some of them have very happy marriages, at least at some level. Such a man takes his gay urges, closes his eyes, dreams of a male partner, and uses the sexual energy on his wife to keep the story going. He can also have a very good platonic friendship with his wife. However, the authentic sexuality may not be able to be indefinitely repressed. Still, homosexuality is JUST a guess. Sexlessness in a relationship has MANY possible root causes, of all types. I suggest reading The Sexless Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis for her thorough and practical discussion.
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