Tiberius Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Financial situation has us stuck living together while we split up. Agreed at the beginning that we'd do what we can to make it easy on ourselves and each other. Since then, she has pretty much done everything wrong, to make sure she's put enough nails in the coffin, to make me want to tell her to just get the hell out now! We've been through some rough patches, but I always seem to figure out a way to smooth things over and get us back where we can have a decent relationship while we are here together. We went out Wednesday night to hear a band - had a good time, all went well. We went to a county fair yesterday - had a good time, all went well. This morning, we were getting ready to go out and enjoy the day, and I had a sense of impending doom. She said a few things that told me her brain was going off in the wrong direction. I was sure she'd do something stupid to ruin the day. Should have listened to my gut. Should have just cancelled and stayed home. I wasn't that smart. She did something stupid. I tried to talk to her about it in a reasonable manner. She tripped off the line. Fine. Ended the day. Went home. She got worse and worse. Yelling, screaming, crying, breaking things... then it seemed she was heading towards suicidal. I had long since quit trying to talk to her. I wasn't saying anything at all by now. I got her to sit down and let her just sit there and cry. I sat away from her, where I could see her, but where she wouldn't feel my presence or feel crowded. She pretty much talked, I guess to me, the whole time, but I have no idea what she was saying. Eventually, she came over by me and sat. She kept talking - saying things like "I am nobody. I have no one. I had you and I blew it. I have no friends. I feel so alone. I only ever thought I was somebody because you made me believe I was, but you were wrong..." I had the phone in one hand and the number for the suicide hotline in my pocket. I got her into bed. She's asleep now. I don't know what to do for her, so I guess I will just sit on the floor and watch her all night to make sure she is OK. No idea what's going to happen in the morning. She doesnt want quite, she craves drama. Some women are like that, just like most men think tracer fire and inch above your helmet and incoming mortar rounds are best enjoyed from the TV if at all, while other guys think war is fantastic.
LittleTiger Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Tiger & Zen... She know's we're splitting up. We've discussed that in detail. She's been looking at places to rent. It's not that she doesn't know it. It's that it seems to create problems if I remind her of it. That's why I lied. The no sex thing went to hell. I'm a heavy sleeper and that's how she woke me up this morning. : ( Good grief! What are you trying to say? She forced you to have sex with her? You poor man! How about separate bedrooms - and put a lock on the door? Are you sure you really want to split up? Tell her you don't want sex with her. You're splitting up - game over! What's going to happen when she moves out? Is she keeping a key to the house so she can let herself in when she feels like a quick sh*g! This is the most unhealthy 'break-up' I've ever heard of.
You Go Girl Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Must agree with Tiger that this is extremely unhealthy. So I take it she helped herself to your morning full mast before you were even awake. The thing to do is to have pushed her off and stated that no longer will sex be a part of your relationship with her. Again, you have failed to enforce any kind of boundaries. Your boundaries are weak to non-existant.
Author SoMovinOn Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 So I take it she helped herself to your morning full mast before you were even awake. Yes. The thing to do is to have pushed her off and stated that no longer will sex be a part of your relationship with her. Good grief woman, I must have failed to point out I am a human male! Not starting to begin with is challenging enough. Pushing her off once it was started, while technically possible, isn't something easily done. It did, however, drive home the foolishness of my lying, failing to tell her the truth about why we hadn't been doing anything. Afterward, I did, carefully, discuss it with her. Thankfully, there was no major negative reaction, just the comment "That's just stupid. We're both here, we may as well make the best of it while we are still together." Again, you have failed to enforce any kind of boundaries. Your boundaries are weak to non-existant. Agreed.
Author SoMovinOn Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Are you sure you really want to split up? I never wanted us to split up. It was her choice. She changed that after I finally agreed we should. Having wrestled through the decision to "let her go" (in my heart, and mind), it is not now something I can simply reverse. If she were gone, I would be fine with it. Having her here, us getting along well together most times, and, yes, having awesome sex, makes me feel, at time, like I wish we'd stay together. I can count on her to do something which changes my mind on that. What's going to happen when she moves out? Is she keeping a key to the house so she can let herself in when she feels like a quick sh*g! She has asked if we can still "date" after we split. She has said, in no uncertain terms, she would like us to maintain a sexual relationship after we split. ... so, you suggestion is not off the mark.
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 The uncertainity of it all is killing her. I know you're not doing this on purpose, maliciously, but on some level you are gaslighting her by lying. She KNOWS 'something.' Look, go talk to her therapist, do couples therapy with her. This has to be resolved sooner or later, you cant' keep living with your wife, letting her get her hopes up and inside you have no intention of staying married. You made a choice, both mentally and emotionally NOT to give her or the marriage a chance. The longer you two stay as things are, avoiding, etc, the worse off it'll be on her in the future. Better to be honest and supportive, get her the help she needs to get her through, than to stay and wait to see what happens.
Author SoMovinOn Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 It's been peaceful, if not weird and awkward here lately. In addition to ending sexual contact, we've settled into some type of "non-committed" relationship. We don't really talk about anything that matters. We don't enjoy any of the time we are both here together. It's weird, because I have no idea what's going on. No idea if she's working on moving out. No idea if she where her head is on our split. She originally wanted to split. Then, some time after I agreed, she began waffling. Now... I don't know. Based on reading her, catching little things she says, I more get the impression she wants to stay, but, I have no idea. The other day, she was contacted by a family member she hasn't seen or talked to in over 30 years (she has a lot of unresolved family issues). It was kind of a rough day for her, as she didn't know if she felt good or bad about this contact. In talking her through it, at some point she said "I just feel like I'm not good enough." When I asked her "Good enough for what or whom?", she did answer. It seemed, she meant not good enough for me. ... which I have a hard time dealing with because *she* wanted to leave. *She* cheated on me. How do you do that and then worry about being "good enough" for the spouse you betrayed and destroyed? Anyway, she got through the day OK, without it being a major problem. She's been wanting to go to a corn maze for years and years. Kept telling her adult niece the two of them would go. Every year she plans it. Every year she doesn't go. Then she spends the next 11 months complaining to me that she's never gone. This year, I took the bull by the horns, researched local corn mazes, picked one, contacted her niece, made plans, and it all went down today. They both had a good time. I went out there and met them. We sat around a bonfire and roasted marshmallows. Then I took them both out to dinner. Everyone had a great time, and both of them thanked me repeatedly for forcing the whole thing on them. I just wanted to quit having to hear her complain about how she didn't go once again. Other than that, things are quiet, peaceful, and weird.
LittleTiger Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 It's good that things have changed and are at least peaceful. The dysfunctional 'trauma' you had going on before wasn't good for either of you. So you don't know what's going on or what she wants? What about you? What do you want? Do you even know the answer to that question? Your wife's comments about not being good enough for you, clearly come from her lack of self esteem. The same could be true of her behaviour involving other men. I'm guessing that something 'went wrong' in your relationship, maybe even something you didn't notice, but she did. It threw her confidence and she began seeking personal validation from other men. Is she having some kind of therapy for her issues? Now that things are calmer, perhaps you can both have IC and MC to try and determine what you want from life, from each other and from the relationship. Without that knowledge you won't be able to move forward either as individual's or as a couple - if that's what you decide you still want.
heartbrokenem Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 this is the most *****d up situation i have ever heard of. the most disturbing thing i have read! gees...
Author SoMovinOn Posted October 17, 2010 Author Posted October 17, 2010 So you don't know what's going on or what she wants? What about you? What do you want? Do you even know the answer to that question? Yes. I want her and I to get divorced. I want her to be OK, I want her to be happy. I want her to find what she needs to be good with herself, and then I hope she finds someone who loves her and compliments her happiness (because I know she doesn't like to be alone). Your wife's comments about not being good enough for you, clearly come from her lack of self esteem. The same could be true of her behaviour involving other men. I'm guessing that something 'went wrong' in your relationship, maybe even something you didn't notice, but she did. It threw her confidence and she began seeking personal validation from other men. Yes. Selfishness was her primary motivation for stepping out. Unfortunately, those relationships ended up doing further damage to her self esteem. Is she having some kind of therapy for her issues? Yes.
LittleTiger Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 (edited) Yes. I want her and I to get divorced. I want her to be OK, I want her to be happy. I want her to find what she needs to be good with herself, and then I hope she finds someone who loves her and compliments her happiness (because I know she doesn't like to be alone). So why don't you file for divorce then? Yes. Selfishness was her primary motivation for stepping out. Unfortunately, those relationships ended up doing further damage to her self esteem. From everything you've said about your wife's mental state, I doubt very much that selfishness was her primary motivation - unless she's been doing it your whole marriage. Yes. That's good that she's getting help. What about you? From what I've read about your situation you're almost as messed up as she is...... and where is your MOW in this little scenario now? Edited October 17, 2010 by LittleTiger
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 17, 2010 Posted October 17, 2010 From what I've read about your situation you're almost as messed up as she is...... and where is your MOW in this little scenario now? Oh man, Tiger, your the bomb! What you said in that quote above, made me think back to when I was a child, watching early morning re-runs of "I Love Lucy" show. Whenever Lucy would mess up and get caught, her Husband Desi was classic for his one liner..... "Luuuuucy, you got some explaining toooooo dooooo!" Maybe someone here does have some explaining to do, I suspect they do, it isn't me or you Tiger, might be SoMovinOn..............so let's hear about the "other woman" shall we!
Author SoMovinOn Posted October 19, 2010 Author Posted October 19, 2010 So why don't you file for divorce then? Because she is nowhere near ready to move out. In that case, for financial, tax & insurance reasons, it doesn't make much sense to get divorced now. From everything you've said about your wife's mental state, I doubt very much that selfishness was her primary motivation - unless she's been doing it your whole marriage. I can assure you, it was. There was guys she decided she wanted to screw, so she did. There could not have been any problem she had, or anything between her and I she would have though she could fix by getting my friend to stick his dick in her ass. That's good that she's getting help. What about you? From what I've read about your situation you're almost as messed up as she is.... Likely nowhere near as messed up as she - I've never lost the ability to think logically - but, you are likely right that I am more than a bit messed up. I am doing nothing to change it. ...and where is your MOW in this little scenario now? Right where she's been all along - home with hubby. We get lunch together once or twice a week lately.
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