She went crazy

[SoMovinOn]

Financial situation has us stuck living together while we split up. Agreed at the beginning that we'd do what we can to make it easy on ourselves and each other.

 

Since then, she has pretty much done everything wrong, to make sure she's put enough nails in the coffin, to make me want to tell her to just get the hell out now!

 

We've been through some rough patches, but I always seem to figure out a way to smooth things over and get us back where we can have a decent relationship while we are here together.

 

We went out Wednesday night to hear a band - had a good time, all went well. We went to a county fair yesterday - had a good time, all went well. This morning, we were getting ready to go out and enjoy the day, and I had a sense of impending doom. She said a few things that told me her brain was going off in the wrong direction. I was sure she'd do something stupid to ruin the day.

 

Should have listened to my gut. Should have just cancelled and stayed home. I wasn't that smart. She did something stupid. I tried to talk to her about it in a reasonable manner. She tripped off the line.

 

Fine. Ended the day. Went home. She got worse and worse. Yelling, screaming, crying, breaking things... then it seemed she was heading towards suicidal. I had long since quit trying to talk to her. I wasn't saying anything at all by now. I got her to sit down and let her just sit there and cry. I sat away from her, where I could see her, but where she wouldn't feel my presence or feel crowded.

 

She pretty much talked, I guess to me, the whole time, but I have no idea what she was saying. Eventually, she came over by me and sat. She kept talking - saying things like "I am nobody. I have no one. I had you and I blew it. I have no friends. I feel so alone. I only ever thought I was somebody because you made me believe I was, but you were wrong..."

 

I had the phone in one hand and the number for the suicide hotline in my pocket.

 

I got her into bed. She's asleep now. I don't know what to do for her, so I guess I will just sit on the floor and watch her all night to make sure she is OK.

 

No idea what's going to happen in the morning.

Edited September 12, 2010 by SoMovinOn

[whichwayisup]

Ouch. She's broken and needs help..Badly.

 

Everything aside, she is your wife and at her absolute lowest. In the morning, see how she is, but my suggestion is, for her to check into the hospital and get herself medicated, and assessed by a Dr. I say medicated (like valium or something) since she is not functioning and if she's thinking about killing herself, BE proactive and get her the help she needs.

 

You are doing the right thing and she's blessed to have you watching over her tonight.

[SoMovinOn]

Ouch. She's broken and needs help..Badly.

 

Everything aside, she is your wife and at her absolute lowest. In the morning, see how she is, but my suggestion is, for her to check into the hospital and get herself medicated, and assessed by a Dr. I say medicated (like valium or something) since she is not functioning and if she's thinking about killing herself, BE proactive and get her the help she needs.

 

You are doing the right thing and she's blessed to have you watching over her tonight.

 

She has been getting professional help (finally - I had been urging her to do so for a very long time). It seemed to be helping, then we had a glitch in our insurance and she missed about 4 or 5 weeks (although, after week 2, I told her to schedule the appointments and I'd pay cash). Everything is fixed now, but she hasn't scheduled another appointment, and she *really* needs to.

 

I did consider checking her in for observation. Had I not been able to get her calmed down and asleep, I can't imagine I'd have had any other choice.

 

I'm just going to play it by ear in the morning. See what she's like. Figure out what the best thing I can do for her is.

[willowthewisp]

Have you come clean with your wife about your affair and the reason you are leaving her ie to be with your affair partner, your old GF? If so , why is she blaming herself and saying she blew it?

[whichwayisup]

She has been getting professional help (finally - I had been urging her to do so for a very long time). It seemed to be helping, then we had a glitch in our insurance and she missed about 4 or 5 weeks (although, after week 2, I told her to schedule the appointments and I'd pay cash). Everything is fixed now, but she hasn't scheduled another appointment, and she *really* needs to.

 

I did consider checking her in for observation. Had I not been able to get her calmed down and asleep, I can't imagine I'd have had any other choice.

 

I'm just going to play it by ear in the morning. See what she's like. Figure out what the best thing I can do for her is.

 

Get her that appt asap. If need be, schedule it yourself and take her.

 

I hope she's doing better today, post an update.

 

Have you come clean with your wife about your affair and the reason you are leaving her ie to be with your affair partner, your old GF? If so , why is she blaming herself and saying she blew it?

 

He didn't cheat on his wife, his wife cheated on him. That is why she is saying she blew it and is blaming herself.

[SoMovinOn]

Have you come clean with your wife about your affair and the reason you are leaving her ie to be with your affair partner, your old GF? If so , why is she blaming herself and saying she blew it?

 

If you've read enough to know about my affair with my old GF, then you would have read enough to know that my STBXW knows everything about who I am now dating. You would also know my affair with her didn't start until after my STBXW and I agreed to split up, and agreed to live separate lives, even though we need to continue living together for now. Further, you would know that the source of our split goes back a couple of years to when my STBXW chose to have multiple one night stands and an affair with my best friend.

 

SO... my STBXW correctly blames herself for the destruction of our marriage, based on her infidelity. She correctly understands she blew it, in that I did everything I could to turn things around after D-Day, everything I could to help her in any way she needed. At the very least, she did nothing. At her worst, she continued her destructive behaviors. Finally, a year and a half after D-Day, I threw in the towel and agreed to split. We also agreed we'd do everything possible to make the split easier on each other. True to form, she has not done that at all. Although, upon realizing what it will take for her to live on her own, she often feels she would prefer to stay here. Not because she loves me, not because she wants our marriage to be what it once was, but because she really likes sitting home on her ass, doing nothing, or whatever she wants to do, while I support the both of us.

 

She blames herself for the things of which she is deserving blame.

[SoMovinOn]

I hope she's doing better today, post an update.

 

Talked to her for a couple of hours this morning. She seemed to be back to what would be "normal" for her. There was a family party - I went alone and left her home alone. She likes to have some space to sort through things.

 

Got home, she had just been doing normal things around the house all day. I noticed she didn't clean any of the mess from her destruction last night. I suspect that will be difficult for her to do, as some of the things she destroyed had some meaning to her, or are things she need/wants.

 

I thought about scooping it up with a snow shovel and dumping it all in the garbage, but if I were to do that, somewhere down the line I'd get screamed at for denying her the opportunity to salvage anything which may be salvageable. So... I'll leave it for her to do whenever she feels she's ready.

 

 

He didn't cheat on his wife, his wife cheated on him.

 

That is correct. I did not start dating until after she and I agreed to split - at which time we also agreed each could do whatever they would like (as far as dating or whatever - within some reasonable guidelines)

 

Unfortunately, I *am* having an affair - the woman I am dating is married. It is, primarily, an emotional affair. My STBXW knows everything about it. The MOW's BS knows nothing at all. ... for now.

[You Go Girl]

What can be done to help this woman's confidence and financial situation? I know it's not your responsibility to keep towing the line for her, but...she's a human being in trouble and you are a human being with compassion.

[SoMovinOn]

What can be done to help this woman's confidence and financial situation? I know it's not your responsibility to keep towing the line for her, but...she's a human being in trouble and you are a human being with compassion.

 

I think things are in place, things are happening, it's just going to take some time. There will be some rough spots along the way. She found a part time job, which helps in many areas. That will lead to a full time job down the road. She's going to counseling. When she flips out, the next day when she is normal again, we discuss it and try to figure out how to avoid the same problem in the future. Constant tweaks and adjustments to do what we need to for her and make this all work.

[HopelessinDTW]

Talked to her for a couple of hours this morning. She seemed to be back to what would be "normal" for her. There was a family party - I went alone and left her home alone. She likes to have some space to sort through things.

 

Got home, she had just been doing normal things around the house all day. I noticed she didn't clean any of the mess from her destruction last night. I suspect that will be difficult for her to do, as some of the things she destroyed had some meaning to her, or are things she need/wants.

 

I thought about scooping it up with a snow shovel and dumping it all in the garbage, but if I were to do that, somewhere down the line I'd get screamed at for denying her the opportunity to salvage anything which may be salvageable. So... I'll leave it for her to do whenever she feels she's ready.

 

 

 

 

That is correct. I did not start dating until after she and I agreed to split - at which time we also agreed each could do whatever they would like (as far as dating or whatever - within some reasonable guidelines)

 

Unfortunately, I *am* having an affair - the woman I am dating is married. It is, primarily, an emotional affair. My STBXW knows everything about it. The MOW's BS knows nothing at all. ... for now.

So you're doing the same thing your stbx did to you a couple of year ago. And how do you feel about that?? Wow, dude...you really have some issues. You both need to grow up, and get some IC. I feel sorry for you.

[2sure]

Financial situation has us stuck living together while we split up. Agreed at the beginning that we'd do what we can to make it easy on ourselves and each other.

 

Personally, I cannot imagine the frustration , confusion, and tenseness that must accumulate between a couple who has decided to separate with intent to divorce but continues to try to do things together as a couple and have them turn out well.

 

Since then, she has pretty much done everything wrong, to make sure she's put enough nails in the coffin, to make me want to tell her to just get the hell out now!

 

She knows you are having an affair, knows you do not want to stay in the marriage but are there only because of financial burdens...how exactly do you think she should be behaving? Whats normal behavior here?

 

If the marriage is coming to an end, let it end and then continue your other relationship. Stop dating your wife and expecting her to be all happy that you have someone else.

[LittleTiger]

Financial situation has us stuck living together while we split up. Agreed at the beginning that we'd do what we can to make it easy on ourselves and each other.

 

Personally, I cannot imagine the frustration , confusion, and tenseness that must accumulate between a couple who has decided to separate with intent to divorce but continues to try to do things together as a couple and have them turn out well.

 

Since then, she has pretty much done everything wrong, to make sure she's put enough nails in the coffin, to make me want to tell her to just get the hell out now!

 

She knows you are having an affair, knows you do not want to stay in the marriage but are there only because of financial burdens...how exactly do you think she should be behaving? Whats normal behavior here?

 

If the marriage is coming to an end, let it end and then continue your other relationship. Stop dating your wife and expecting her to be all happy that you have someone else.

 

I agree with everything 2sure says here.

 

Your wife is in this terrible emotional state because you are still living together, sharing your lives in many ways, going out on dates, sleeping together, having sex etc. At least that's what you said in the past.

 

If you're still continuing to do this (ie basically acting like you're still married) and also having your affair with your MW, right under your wife's nose, you surely can't be surprised at your wife's state of mind? Whatever she's done in the past, two wrongs don't make a right and what you are doing is downright cruel.

 

I also don't get the 'primarily emotional' thing. It's either become physical or it hasn't. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm sure I read somewhere that it has.

[Tayla]

Its feasible to make a clean break and move forward.

 

Do so for yourself.

 

She is an adult. This is an opportunity for her to grow up and deal with life as most of us know it.

 

May you each heal in due time from your past behaviors.

[spriggig]

..Unfortunately, I *am* having an affair - the woman I am dating is married. It is, primarily, an emotional affair. My STBXW knows everything about it. The MOW's BS knows nothing at all. ... for now.

 

It doesn't matter what you've been telling yourself to justify this, it's just a steaming pile of crap. Be the man here and end this thing you know is destructive and wrong.

[SoMovinOn]

Your wife is in this terrible emotional state...

 

...because she has a ton of psychological issues, which lead her to do increasingly stupid things, up to and including several one night stands, and a long term affair. On D-Day I have *her* the option to leave or reconcile. She chose reconcile - then continued to do stupid things, and did *nothing* to promote reconciliation.

 

*After* all that, I threw in the towel and agreed to split. Then her emotional state worsened when she realized what she'd need to do to support her own sorry ass - terrible things that no one else does, like get a job, work, support yourself.

 

because you are still living together, sharing your lives in many ways, going out on dates, sleeping together, having sex etc. At least that's what you said in the past.

 

Yup. We don't dislike each other. We're here. May as well make the best of it. I don't see where it would be somehow more comfortable to live here together, but apart (separate rooms, completely separate lives...)

 

If you're still continuing to do this (ie basically acting like you're still married) and also having your affair with your MW, right under your wife's nose, you surely can't be surprised at your wife's state of mind?

 

I most certainly am, as our agreement is that we each can do as we please as far as dating or anything else. I can assure you, she has taken full advantage of that when it suits her. The time I spend with my G/F is mostly invisible to her, and it is very infrequent.

 

I do everything possible to make her life easy and comfortable. I don't ask about her dates, I don't pry, I don't snoop. Being she is a woman, I've only ever told her I would appreciate having some idea of her schedule so I would know if there was a potential problem. I've have gone so far as to be available to "rescue" her from first time meetings with potential dates (at her request). She dates regularly, spends the night some times.

 

Me? I go to lunch for an hour maybe once every week or two.

 

This chick has been doing everything she wants, whenever she wants. The only thing that has changed is I have made it easier for her, and she doesn't need to lie or do it behind my back.

 

Trust me, *she* is not getting the short end of the stick here.

 

 

Whatever she's done in the past, two wrongs don't make a right and what you are doing is downright cruel.

 

What would you suggest - I tell her to pack her bags and get out right now?

She could live in her car and end the cruelty of me supporting her and taking care of her.

 

I also don't get the 'primarily emotional' thing. It's either become physical or it hasn't. Correct me if I'm wrong but I'm sure I read somewhere that it has.

 

It has. We really don't have the time or opportunity for it to be physical, so, it rarely is. Thus, it is "primarily" an emotional affair - phone, emails, chat.

[SoMovinOn]

So you're doing the same thing your stbx did to you a couple of year ago. And how do you feel about that??

 

Terrible.

 

I hate it.

[LittleTiger]

...because she has a ton of psychological issues, which lead her to do increasingly stupid things, up to and including several one night stands, and a long term affair. On D-Day I have *her* the option to leave or reconcile. She chose reconcile - then continued to do stupid things, and did *nothing* to promote reconciliation.

 

*After* all that, I threw in the towel and agreed to split. Then her emotional state worsened when she realized what she'd need to do to support her own sorry ass - terrible things that no one else does, like get a job, work, support yourself.

 

This entire thread and what you say here suggests that your wife is emotionally unstable. If you are living in the same house but still having sex and going on dates with her then you are still partly responsible for her emotional state - regardless of what she has done in the past.

 

.Yup. We don't dislike each other. We're here. May as well make the best of it. I don't see where it would be somehow more comfortable to live here together, but apart (separate rooms, completely separate lives...)

 

More comfortable - physically do you mean? That's not relevant. It would be emotionally healthier - for both of you.

 

This thread is about your wife's emotional state. You say that you are still, pretty much, living with her as your wife (sex, dates etc) AND you are having an affair with a married woman at the same time?

 

You've agreed that your wife is emotionally unstable and you don't understand why she's apparently going 'crazy'? Come on, seriously? You seem like an intelligent guy. You can't live in the same house as your wife, go on dates with her, sleep with her and have sex with her without her remaining emotionally attached to you. Maybe all feelings have gone on your side (which I doubt), but every time you have sex with her you are maintaining the emotional bond - that's how it is for most women and I don't believe you're not aware of that.

 

Even if she initates the sex you should refuse. She's the one who is incapable of making rational decisions here. Moving on, means changing your relationship with your wife - that means no more sex, no more dates, yes - separate rooms and separate lives. If you can handle the current situation, that's fine - for you, but your wife obviously can't.

 

Trust me, *she* is not getting the short end of the stick here.

 

I'm not for one minute, suggesting that *this chick* as you call your wife, is getting the short end of the stick. I don't condone anything that she did in the past, nor do I condone what you're doing. Two wrongs never make a right. What I'm saying is that you posted about her emotional state as though you are shocked by her behaviour. Nothing she has done so far has been shocking in the light of her psychological problems and the way that you are conducting this 'break up'.

 

What would you suggest - I tell her to pack her bags and get out right now?

She could live in her car and end the cruelty of me supporting her and taking care of her.

 

Of course not! You seem like a caring man and presumably you once loved her. The cruelty I'm referring to is the continuation of your marital relationship (the dates, the sleeping together and the sex), whilst pretending to be 'moving on'. You have to live together for financial reasons, that makes sense. You may feel that morally you no longer have any obligation towards her but she is still your wife and legally you do still have some responsibilities, especially if she doesn't work.

 

Be honest with yourself and her though. If you're moving on then do so and stop hanging on to the good bits of your marriage because she lets you or even says she wants to. It is clearly damaging her emotionally and in my opinion it's cruel.

 

Maybe when all the dust has settled and you're living properly apart you can still be friends and spend time together, if you still want to, but for now - definitely not.

 

It has. We really don't have the time or opportunity for it to be physical, so, it rarely is. Thus, it is "primarily" an emotional affair - phone, emails, chat.

 

You can kid yourself all you like. If you have slept with her 'once' it's a physical affair. It's irrelevant how often you get the chance to have sex with her - if you could you would. What do you think your MOW's husband will think when he finds out? Oh it's primarily emotional - that's fine then???

 

Your wife may be out dating others, sleeping over etc but, given what you have said about her mental health, it wouldn't surprise me if it was a defense mechanism. She knows you are 'in love' with another woman, despite the fact that you are still married and living with her. She may have committed adultery first but, trust me, it's still hurting her like hell to think of you 'making love' to someone else.

 

This whole scenario is just so emotionally unhealthy for everyone involved. At the very least, stop sleeping with your wife, stop spending time with her, stop having sex with her and stop seeing your MOW and, ideally, your wife should stop seeing other men too. When you are genuinely living separate lives, even if it's in the same house (although it's still not ideal) then you can both start moving on.

 

I'm not taking sides here, both you and your wife have behaved/are still behaving apallingly - and not just to each other. Deep down you know that, so please do something about it before even more people get hurt.

Edited September 14, 2010 by LittleTiger

[2sure]

SoMovingon...

 

This is wrong.

 

Your wife for reasons imagined by her or implied by you still thinks that there is a chance. She seems to think that if she is "good" you will change your mind about wanting to leave. Thats an enormous amount of pressure and she is breaking under it.

 

On your part, you have told her it is over, told you want to be with someone else but your actions show her you are not unhappy to be in the marriage, sleep with her and spend time with her.

 

What really really is wrong here is that...in your first post on this thread you state that your wife's behavior is "....adding nails to the coffin" (something like that, excuse me) You sound here, and I'm sure to your wife like: It may not be over, she still has a chance but every time she does something, says something wrong...you say OK - NOW its over, as though it wasnt before. She is walking on eggshells and broken glass. Some power trip you have there.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need to get your mind right, end the relationship cold with the MOW, and either commit to staying or leaving for good, but there's no need to sleep with a MARRIED OW.

 

Its not right, her husband finds out, and flips on you, can you blame him, your making more problems then they need to be.

 

You know this, two wrongs do not make a right.

[SoMovinOn]

I was going to quote and respond, but you are all right, about everything.

 

Because my STBXW "has issues", I fight with myself over what is the best thing to do for her. Whatever I am doing, if she responds poorly at some point, I change it or back off. That is probably counterproductive, as she can never be sure of what to expect from me. Constancy would probably help.

 

My problem is this. If I am honest with her - I don't like her. I am often repulsed by her. I feel some love for her, but it is for what she used to be, what we used to have. I care about her. I feel empathy for her situation.

 

She cannot deal with that honesty right now. She has alienated *everyone* in her life. She literally has no one in her life other than me. If I am honest with her with how I feel, whether by words or how I act towards her, she feels very, very, alone, and mentally, she deteriorates quickly.

 

So... I lie, and I make it seem like things are OK between us - at least to the point that I like her enough to take her out, have a good time, have sex with her, etc.

 

It's awful, I know. ... but it seems like the right thing to do some times.

 

Of course, none of the above even touches on what all this does to *my* mental health.

 

I promised her, on our wedding day, that I would always take care of her, always be there for her, be the one person she could count on when she didn't have anyone else.

 

After all she has done, I don't feel I am bound to do any of that, but... I cannot, in my heart, bring myself to NOT do it.

 

Yeah, so... I'm as ****ed in the head as she is.

 

As for my affair...

She and I have been in love forever.

We're being selfish. We found each other again, and neither of us is willing to let go of that. It just isn't going to happen.

 

We have *not* slept together. ... but that's more due to lack of opportunity.

Our affair is very emotional. When we are together, we do a lot of "normal" things - lunch, a cup of coffee, a beer - and never go beyond holding hands a bit, a kiss goodbye. On a few occasions, when we manage to be somewhere alone, in private, it gets very intense... but we keep our clothes on (because we've never been anywhere *that* private)

 

It's selfish. It's dumb. It will likely end badly.

... but, it isn't going to end any time soon - not by her choice or mine.

[2sure]

Ok, fair enough. I see what you are saying about your own behavior and hey...you acknowledge that it is not right and that means something has to change.

 

Change is coming, whether your wife can deal with it or not. Being nice to her sometimes and frustrated others...not liking her but feeling sorry for her...being repulsed by her....NONE of that is helping her prepare for change. None of that is going to lead up to her being ready...it is breaking her down more and more. This process is too long for anyone to deal with and end up healthy.

 

You need a better plan.

[Tayla]

Its feasible to make a clean break and move forward.

 

Do so for yourself.

 

She is an adult. This is an opportunity for her to grow up and deal with life as most of us know it.

 

May you each heal in due time from your past behaviors.

 

Hate to repeat myself but its as simple as stated above. No need for your details or reasonings. Its really not anyones place to judge you or your actions at this point other then to say.Move on...for all the right reasons.

[SoMovinOn]

2Sure, Tayla...

 

You are right. The best thing for me & STBXW would be for us to split and be done.

 

The best thing for OW, if she wants to date me, would be to split with her BS.

The best thing for me would be to not date her until she does.

 

I think, as much as anything... I'm just not able to let go of what we (me & STBXW) used to have - like I keep thinking it's going to change and go back to what it was. It won't. I know that. It would just be easier to accept if we disliked each other. If things were bad between us, but they're usually not. Most of the time, we get along great, have an ton of fun together, enjoy being with each other. ... and, yeah, we have 17 years of practice, so, the sex is awesome too.

 

OW? ... been in love with her for 30+ years, lost her, have her back again. Can't see letting her go either.

 

Right now... having my cake & eating it too. Paying the price for it some times.

 

Not good.

[You Go Girl]

Regardless of your future, to have sex with both of these women at the same time is cheating both of them. I would not want to date you, EVER.

You are the epitome of what women want to avoid, yet you have two of them, and deserve neither.

Do you realize that?

Life can appear to be dropping loads of luck in our lap, when really, it is all an illusion.

[SoMovinOn]

Regardless of your future, to have sex with both of these women at the same time is cheating both of them.

 

Well, no. I only have sex with my wife.

 

You are the epitome of what women want to avoid, yet you have two of them, and deserve neither.

 

Well, there are at least two votes which disagree with that idea, aren't there?

 

As for deserving - you are right, I have never been the type of man who deserves a woman like my wife. Maybe there is a child molesting, nun raping, serial killer somewhere who deserves a woman like her. ... but a guy like me? No. I never earned this. I treated her like a princess, gave all of me to her, up to and including after D-day, after an additional 18 months of lies & deceit...

 

And I STILL don't deserve a woman like her.

 

Life can appear to be dropping loads of luck in our lap, when really, it is all an illusion.

 

I don't see being stuck with my wife as any type of luck. I knew who and what she was when I married her. I got myself into this. No bad luck required.

I knew who and what she was on D-Day, when I didn't kick her out. My choice. No bad luck required. I knew who and what she was as she continued to lie and deceive me during our "reconciliation". No bad luck required.

 

Sorry YGG - you have the wrong bad guy here. I didn't deserve what she did to me after 15 awesome years of marriage. She had everything she wanted - and I don't mean materially (although she had that too). She had the life she wanted, she was who she wanted to be - because of *me*. I lifted her up and held her up for 15 years. In return, when I needed her to lift me up and provide some support, because my parents died, she turned her back on me. She **** on me, abused me, lied to me, stabbed me in the back... Why? Because I was only allowed to grieve for a couple of weeks. After that, I was supposed to get back to lifting her up and holding her up, providing for her every need. I was supposed to go to work for 10 or 16 hours each day, come home, take care of her and the house - while she sat on her ass at home, doing whatever the hell she wanted, spending whatever she wanted on whatever she wanted.

 

Pfffft.

 

Sorry. You're not going to make me feel bad on this one. I *still* do more for her than she deserves.

 

 

As for OW - Yes. I have, and will cop to that. My involvement with her is selfish, and wrong. Her involvement with me is selfish and wrong. It is most likely to end badly when her BS finds out - it seems they (we) pretty much all find out, eventually. In spite of that, neither she nor I is willing to let it go.