fleur_de_me Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 My boyfriend and I were together a year- six months before I had to move to Europe to finish research related to my degree. It was temporary, and we were able to maintain what I thought was a wonderful relationship despite the distance. We saw each other at least once a month (he bought my plane tickets each time) and had quality time together during visits- lots of fun and no arguing. I thought at the end of this six months in Europe, I'd be back with him in New York, but unfortunately I had to move out of state for my doctorate, and there wasn't another option besides giving up on my education/career. We were both really upset about this, but made a decision to try to make it work. A week before I moved away, he blind-sided me and said he couldn't do this, the distance is too painful for him. He's happy when I'm here, super sad when I leave, and then adjusts to me not being there and feeling like he's not even in a relationship. I didn't know what to say or how to respond. I basically told him that we could make it work, but if he wasn't 100% committed, I didn't want to be with him. It was strange, after our "break-up" conversation, we carried on for a few days like nothing happened- he took me to the airport, sat with me holding my hand, hugging and kissing me, telling me how beautiful and perfect I am and then I got on a plane and that was it. Since then my heart has been broken- I miss him terribly. I know being away isn't ideal, but a 2 hour flight is a lot closer than when I was away in Europe! I feel like we can do this, I love him so much and I thought he loved me too. I cut off contact with him, but he's texted and IM'd a few times asking about how I'm doing. I tried to sound cool and happy and kept things short, but I'm dying inside. I miss him so much. Part of me wants to hop on a plane and just fix it and make it better, but I know that goes against every piece of advice I've ever read. Please help me!!! He is the most wonderful man I've ever been with, someone I thought I'd marry and spend my life with. There were no other issues in our relationship beyond the distance (we rarely argued, were both super happy).
bobo113 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Fleur- the same thing happened to me, except he left to work on his post-doc. He rang me once he got there and said he didn't think it could work. I'm terribly heart-broken. We did have other issues though, so I'm thinking its best to move on - but long distance just makes it all that much harder because you're constantly wondering what they're doing/ up to. Have you seen that film going the distance?
Author fleur_de_me Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 Hi Bobo- thanks for the response, so sorry you're going through the same thing. It is horrible. As the person who had to go, it is the worst feeling in the world. Part of me wants to give it all up, but I know that I can't- this was my lifelong dream and I shouldn't have to sacrifice that, even if I love him with all of my heart. I haven't see the movie, but should check it out! I just wish I knew how he felt- he always used to say "You're the one who is going to leave me, I would never leave you" and then he was the one who broke it off when I had to go. I know I was physically moving away, but in my mind it was a temporary obstacle, and hopefully after that we would never be apart again. I am so happy and satisfied with everything in my professional/educational life, but it almost doesn't mean anything when the person I love is not there to share it with me.
Romance Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 some people just aren't strong enough. he was probably just taking it day by day until you'd be back from europe with it in the back of his mind that he'd be with you everyday soon enough. Then you saying you needed to move out of state probably just crushed him, he was so happy to have you back. However, you fulfilling your career goals is the absolute most important thing.
Author fleur_de_me Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 Thanks Romance...I guess it just makes me sad that I couldn't have both things that mean the world to me. I told him I was willing to fly back once a month, and spend holidays together and even have a few months in the summer and eventually the plan was to move back there in 3-4 years when I finish. Do you think I should tell him how much he means to me? Maybe he can't do the distance, and I respect that because I know it is hard. But I love him and want him to be in my life, even if I can't "have it all." He said if I'm still single when I finish, he will be there. But I want to be with him now!
Romance Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Does he have a stable job/etc. where he lives now? Would he be willing to relocate to be with you? It is a big step but maybe he would be willing to if he could find a job where your school is? I would definitely tell him how much he means to you, all he can tell you is no. It's such a hard decision.
Author fleur_de_me Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Romance- Yes, he has a great job in NY and is moving up in the company where he's been working for 5 years. I don't plan on staying where I am right now forever, but this is where I have to be for the next 3-4 years until I finish my doctorate, then I will try to go back to NY. He also has a 5 year old son (who I love very much), which is his main reason for not wanting to move away. I can totally understand that. He's a great dad and wants to be a big part of his son's life. So unfortunately, for now, it seems like both of us are stuck. I'm not upset with him at all, he's been nothing but supportive of me and my goals, but I'm just sad that I can't have everything. Now that it has been a month and a half of no contact (well, he IM'd me last week to say hello), I'm thinking about calling and just saying hi. I miss having him in my life...a lot.
skip2mylou333 Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 im not an expert but the best personal advice i can give you is that, 1, you need to focus on your career, you may love the **** out of this guy but there is no garauntees. your degree is your ticket to having a family one day rather if its with him or not, but if you choose to give up your degree for him and something happens to where it dont work out later, then what? you just looking dumb at that point. If you really love each other you can make it work. just visit each other once a month like u were doing. im in a long distance relationship for 2 years now and only seen my girl once and for a fact we getting married, shes in college and im in college and we understand our degrees are the most important thing right now. if you have trust you can make it through anything. is it hard **** ya, it sure aint easy doing a long distance relationship, but you have your whole life ahead of you and if u just sacrifice another few years or how ever long dont you think it will be well worth it? cause then u can spend the next 80 years with him and not have to stuggle thru life with a dead end job. ask him this "who do you see yourself spending your life with"? thats what marriage is about, finding a best friend, a partner, a lover, sumone you have a special bond with and go do fun things with each other. It's either worth the wait or its not because you think sumone else could be better suited for you. if you ask me he is dumb if he dont wait for you
Author fleur_de_me Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 Hey Skip- yeah you're right, that's why I went even though it was against what my heart was telling me. I'm sad and I miss my boyfriend (ex?), but I know that I'm doing the right thing for me. I think I'm going to give him a call this week to say hello. I'm hoping maybe we can just work on connecting casually and then see where things go. I'll be back in NY for a few weeks in December, and then hopefully for two months or so this summer. It'd be nice if we could spend some of this time together, even if it isn't serious. I'm trying to keep faith and remember that if things are meant to be, we will find a way. Maybe we need this time to realize how much we want to be a part of each other's lives. I know for me, it has made it even more clear how important he is to me, I hope he's feeling the same way.
skip2mylou333 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 im sure he is feeling the same. Just keep your head up, kit with him and the right thing will happen.
BettyBoop Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Fleur, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I have a long distance relationship now with my boyfriend and chose to go abroad to study my master's degree instead of staying in the same country. We're not broken up, but I too chose my degree before being closer to him. However, my choice was based on two things: first of all, he's not been all too committed before and I didn't feel it was a good idea to stay for his sake. Two, this is my dream career and I have to do what it takes. I understand that your boyfriend won't want to spend 3-4 years doing the distance though. Mine will be 2 years, and that is long enough. The distance gets even harder the older you get... (I'm 24 and it's much more difficult than it was to have a distance relationship at 20!) So I think you shouldn't push him, but if you can't handle the "cool friendly contact" you need to be honest. If you want to call him - do. Like you said: you needed to do what was best for you. Best of luck...
Author fleur_de_me Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Hi Betty- Thanks for the words of encouragement! I actually did try to call him last week, but he didn't answer the phone. It was kind of late, but I figured he'd call back when he saw my number (I didn't leave a voicemail). Instead of him calling back, he sent me this text: "How are you? I'm so ashamed at myself, but so thankful to you for being such a wonderful person. I'm sorry again and again if I hurt you. I'm not going to let anyone in my life right now until I figure out what I want." This surprised me- I know we've been quasi NC for two months, but when we broke up he told me to call anytime, he wanted to stay in touch, be friends, blah blah. I was the one who initiated NC for myself, but it seems like he's distanced himself now. Not sure what to think- I didn't respond, and he IM'd me twice the next day. I didn't respond to the IMs either. I really just want him to call me, I don't know why that seems to be so difficult. Another part of me wants to write an email and just say- stop feeling bad, this is hard, maybe we can't be in a serious relationship right now, but at least talk sometimes. I miss him terribly and I think he misses me too. Thoughts?
bobo113 Posted September 21, 2010 Posted September 21, 2010 It sounds like he has gone into self protection mode. I would give it a bit of time, as I'm sure he'll call or be in contact soon. Space may be a good thing, as it will let you both clear your heads a bit & figure out what you really want/need. Maybe give him a call if you haven't heard in the next couple of weeks?
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