Resentment

[karnak]

Just out of curiosity, what advice did your parents gave you, concerning your wife and marriage? This must come as a big shock to them as well.

[chained200]

So I just got done talking to some of my relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) on the phone and they just wanted to say that they're sorry for what i'm going through. My big brother called and boy did I get an earful from him. He was yelling at me saying I was crazy for putting my hands on my wife, to be glad that she felt guilty enough to decide not to call the police, and was glad to hear that i'm deciding to divorce her because he never trusted her anyway. When me and him were living with our mom, he was like the man of the house. He was kind of like a father to me (our father left left us after he cheated on our mother) during my preteens to my early twenties. We were always close. He defended me when I couldn't defend myself. He always told me when he's not around me to be a man. Lol. Well, some type of man I am and turned out to be. Every time I tried to be as hard as him, I always failed. I was always the emotional boy in the household. I guess it poured into adulthood.

 

Karnak asked me about what my mother told me. My mother's advice was similar to my brother's but instead of talking smack about my wife she just told me that she'll still support me whether I decide to reconcile or divorce, and that she will continue to help me until I land on my feet. I also talked to my mother-in-law (I plucked up the courage to call her). I was surprised she didn't say she hated me or anything. She actually said she was sorry for what i'm going through. I started off by saying X, I put my hands on your daughter, then she interrupted me saying I know what happened, she (wife) told me everything and she was glad that I was able to leave the house before the argument escalated. She then said I love you and good luck then hung up the line. I almost started crying. She is like a second mother to me. Its like I have all of these people around me supporting me and I can't even have enough confidence to pull myself together.

 

Right now, i'm looking for a small apartment that I could settle in until I get through with this divorce. I already called my lawyer and he has the papers filed. Does anyone have any advice on how I should prepare for this divorce? I know my wife will most likely contest it since she doesn't want to give up on me but any advice on any other precautions?

[Steadfast]

 

Its okay. He's right. I agree that I was careless and that I will keep my hands to myself.

 

 

Good man. Good answer and for whatever it's worth, I'm proud of you. You're head is beginning to clear and you're thinking rationally. Well done.

 

I trust we can remove this aspect from the thread now? Everyone?

 

The decision to divorce is, of course, all up to you. I have no way of knowing if your wife is genuinely sincere (or sorry) and if you'd be up to the challenge of going through the process of rebuilding trust. Only you can answer that, but as it stands you have full and rightful grounds to divorce.

 

With no children, the process of healing and moving on should begin almost immediately. Depending on where you live, you might have to divide assets and even (sorry to say) pay some kind of support. Something tells me by the tone and posture of your posts that you'll resist vindictiveness. This will speed up your healing.

 

Like everything else, men are different. You don't have to be macho, just strong enough to stand up for your convictions. We are who we are, and the right woman will love you for that.

 

Depending on the work you do on yourself, you'll feel much better in just a few months time. But don't follow my, or anyone's guidelines in regards to this. Everyone's heart works on a different timetable. I'd say for now, keep your distance and work it through without her input. She will mess with your head to get what she wants. It is not about that any longer. She gave up that right.

 

You're moving through the roughest part right now. It will get better. Eat, sleep and get some exercise. Lean on the trusted and keep us posted-

Edited September 15, 2010 by Steadfast

[whichwayisup]

Talk to a lawyer NOW. And, for yourself, start therapy to get your anger outbursts under control.

 

I completely feel for you, 100%, your wife betrayed you horribly. I hope you find love and happiness again, when the time is right. But, the fact you reacted with physical force and touched your wife aggressively - That needs to be taken care of and fixed so you won't ever do that again..To her, or to anyone else in the future. Don't be afraid to admit you went too far and need help.

[Spark1111]

Chained, the best advice I can offer you is you can decide not to decide anything for now.

 

Family, friends, those of us here at LS, will be giving you tons of advice.

 

The problem with advice is that it is always offered from one's own personal perspective.

 

In times of trauma, well-meaning people may be offering advice all over the spectrum. It can become very confusing for you now.

 

Take time to listen to your inner compass and decide what is right for you!

 

From if and when to take an apartment, to how to extricate yourself from a marriage, make the decisions that are best for you.

 

And if you cannot figure it out, take all the time you need until you do figure it out.

[wicar1]

Background- Me, BH, 32, W is 33, She cheated on me for three months with another man, and discovery-day was on my birthday, which was three years ago.

 

So I found out was by looking at a sexually explicit text message on her phone that was sent from OM. Mind you this was around 4:00 a.m. in the morning (on my birthday) after we had sex and her phone vibrated. She tried to get the phone but I got to it first and told her I would answer it (just out of curiosity). I was just wondering who would call at this time of day. It was a text message from a number I didn't recognize and it said, "Does your H know how many times I had you orgasming?LOL." I looked at my wife in horror and asked her what the hell is this and she just froze and started crying and kept asking me to forgive her. I went into the basement, shut and locked the door. I was so pissed that I decided to just try to get some sleep. She kept banging on the door, crying until she gave up and left the house. When I woke up and went upstairs she was still gone. After she came home she tried to give me a birthday present and I took it from her, crushed it and told her to tell me everything. We had a long discussion, got the answers I needed and I never brought it up again after I made sure she cut ties with OM. We then went to MC for seven months of that year she had her affair. She told the counselor I was too busy (working too much) and that was why she turned to OM. I convinced my boss to lower my hours so that I could fit more time in with my wife and we have been spending much more time together since then, although my resentment has been building for the past three years because of her affair. For the past two years she gives me a small gift with a note on it saying she's sorry for what she did and she loves me and our marriage. I know she's not been contact with the OM or a new guy and our marriage hasn't had any major problems but I still have so much resentment that I felt I never got to lash out at her. She doesn't know I have this anger. Since her affair i've learned to hide my feelings from her just like when she deceived me during her affair. My feelings of divorcing her are getting stronger every day also. I don't know what to do. Someone help.

 

Just divorce her !! once a cheater is always a cheater....and I am sure things will never be the same again once a person gets cheated by her or his partner.... just divorce

[cyabye]

I didn't see where you expressed regret for having physically abused her.

 

Please. Really? Let's kick him some more while he is down. He shook her by her arms. Not beat her down.

 

Cya

[cyabye]

nevermind

 

Cya

Edited September 18, 2010 by cyabye