Resentment

[Untouchable_Fire]

I then grabbed her roughly by both of her arms and started shaking her hard, yelling at her to tell me what I need to know. She started screaming that repeatedly that was the truth.

 

Not Cool!

 

I realize your upset and angry... but seriously man... Not Cool!

[karnak]

Not Cool!

 

I realize your upset and angry... but seriously man... Not Cool!

 

Violence is always something to avoid at all costs. But for someone to discover that their entire marriage had been a lie since the beginning it's very heavy stuff.

 

Lots of sensible people here in LS have admitted that they'd have made justice with their own hands if not for their children.

 

I'm surely not gonna cast the first stone. I don't know what i'd have done if I was in his shoes.

[lkjh]

Not Cool!

 

I realize your upset and angry... but seriously man... Not Cool!

 

I don't want to start a debate about domestic violence and I certainly don't agree with hitting a woman. But the man just found out that his entire marriage is a joke and that his wife has been cheating on him since before they were married and she banged the guy just under 24hrs before their marriage. I hardly think that shaking someone and yelling is enough grounds to get all "not cool man" on him. Lets not become just a cookie cutter society and remove all emotions from a person and expect them to act like drones.

 

If he hit her I would be right there with you.

[DazednConfused]

This evening I calmly sat down on the couch with my wife and told her bluntly that i'm holding a very deep resentment for her affair that happened three years ago, and that I felt that I never got the chance to tell her how angry I am. I told her that I feel we should probably divorce also. Almost immediately her eyes started welling up and I told her loudly to focus and listen to me. She jumped in her seat and said okay while she had her shirt in her face. I told her to look at me as I speak. She did. I said to her that her betrayal has left a scar in my heart that I will never be able to get rid of and that I was pissed that I had to find out on my birthday. She just nodded her head and said baby I know. I interrupted her and said i'm not finished. I reminded her of what she said on our first date about how she likes a man who works his butt off. Then I said how the earliness of her affair in our marriage made me angry and for her to say how she wanted me to work because it made me attractive, to cheating because I worked too much made her seem like a hypocritical selfish bitch. She fired back by saying she felt unwanted because I was never there. I got angrier and said so its okay to **** someone else because our marriage is going through a phase and i'm trying to work my ass off for you?

 

I said you were working also and had almost the same amount of hours as me so in that sense how about I find me a broad that looks hotter than you to give me orgasms like that jerk said when his punkass texted you on your cell phone. I started asking her all the questions I asked three years ago, on my birthday. I then kept asking her are you witholding any more information that I need to know? She just kept staring at the floor with her red eyes then I asked her again and she started crying even more. She wiped her eyes, looked at me and said promise me you won't hurt me. I told her I promised, she knows I will never do that to her so hurry up and tell me what else. She tried to regain her composure took a deep breath and said she knew him before we started dating (an old flame) and that she had sex with him the night before our wedding. I couldn't believe what she said to me. My heart felt like it skipped a beat. I asked her you've had sex with him more than three months didn't you. She started shaking her head no. I then grabbed her roughly by both of her arms and started shaking her hard, yelling at her to tell me what I need to know. She started screaming that repeatedly that was the truth. I didn't believe her. I let her go, packed a bag and left to go over my mother's house which is where i'm currently am. You guys were right, she's nothing but a lying cheating bitch. I wasted six years with this tramp and i'm pushing thirty-five. Screw this, I think I will actually divorce her. She's probably still cheating on me with the same punk or a new guy. I'm a fool.

 

Yeah, probably best to go now. Been there man, tho mine never did tell me, I found out about additional affairs through my own backtracking investigations. I think what feels the worst is when you are "ass-over-teakettle" for a great girl, you think you know what she wants and you bust your ass to be that guy for her.... and then you find out that it meant so little to her. The disrespect is crippling.

 

Dude, I am soooo very sorry for your pain and confusion. She does this asshat the night before your wedding, and three years later you find out on your birthday she's doing him some more. We all probably have an ex that curled our toes but got away.... most of us leave them there tho.. an ex.

 

If you're done, be done. Harden your heart and get to business. Make peace w/ the fact that although she did everything wrong, she is still gonna walk away w/ a good chunk of the marriage assets, etc. It is inevitable. Stay calm, be fair, and this will be a memory sooner than you think.

 

I'm six years out from my revelation, and three years divorced; by far the best thing i ever did for myself and my mental health. There are seriously great women out there... in time you will find happiness again if you keep yourself open to it.

 

All the best man... you can do this!

 

-Dazed

[Owl]

The trickle truth always hurts more.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with Steadfast's post.

 

You're angry and hurt (rightfully so).

 

You don't believe that you can forgive her (nor is anyone here requiring you to do so).

 

Rather than continue to wallow in the pain...take concrete action to remove the pain from your life. Personally, given how your rage seems, I'd suggest that you move to divorce right now.

 

I do agree with Spark on the communication thing tho...this should have all been sorted through and dealt with back when the two of you were in MC...and seeing an IC now to help you deal with what all you're going through today is a good idea as well.

 

But if you can't forgive, and if you can't rebuild trust...then set yourself (and her) free. Don't delay and cause more pain than is needed to heal.

[reservoirdog1]

Dude, that's horrible. You have my complete sympathy.

 

I felt a bit nauseous when I read it... my sitch was similar, in that XW cheated on me a couple of weeks before the wedding, again a few weeks after, and a bunch more times. We're now divorced, and have been for seven years.

 

When I was still deep in the gut-wrenching pain, one of the feelings I couldn't shake was the feeling that I'd been defrauded, that my marriage had been a complete sham, that it was just an illusion that she'd constructed to blind me to the truth. There was no part of my marriage that wasn't tainted by her cheating. My marriage had been stillborn -- it never had a chance. And I didn't even find out until seven years later.

 

Fortunately I'm now past it all, and the shytty facts don't bother me anymore. Took me a few years though. At least you don't have kids with her -- once all the legalities are sorted out, you can hopefully make a clean break and never have to see her again. If I were you, I'd fight tooth and nail against paying alimony. Talk to a lawyer -- it would seem hugely unfair if you'd worked your ass off to build a more comforable life for the two of you, only for her to turn around and do that to you. Hopefully that argument will carry some weight.

 

Good luck man....

[reservoirdog1]

I'm a fool.

I had to comment on this part, because it's not true. You loved her, and you trusted her. She swore vows to you which she broke in secret. None of that makes you a fool. It makes her a fool, because of what she's destroyed and lost.

 

You may not be able to appreciate this right now, but at least you can hold your head high knowing that your word means something even if hers doesn't, that you did right by her, and that you were a good and loyal partner to her. She can't say those things about herself. I'll bet you anybody on this thread would rather be in your shoes than in hers.

[GorillaTheater]

she had sex with him the night before our wedding.

 

If there's anything in a marriage that could possibly hurt worse than this, I don't know what it is.

 

I wouldn't be able to get past this. At all, ever. I doubt that I'd even try.

 

I can't get on you for giving her a shake, but you know you can't ever touch her again in anger (or maybe at all), right?

[chained200]

I want to thank you all for sharing your advice. I'm thankful for the support. Right now i've been bawling my eyes out on my mother's shoulder for the past two hours so i'll continue to post an update and thoughts in a little while. I'm just shocked right now. Again thank you all.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I want to thank you all for sharing your advice. I'm thankful for the support. Right now i've been bawling my eyes out on my mother's shoulder for the past two hours so i'll continue to post an update and thoughts in a little while. I'm just shocked right now. Again thank you all.

 

I'm sorry your going through this as well. I know it hurts right now. It will get better! Believe it!

[chained200]

My whole world has been shattered even more, and my chest feels as if someone punched a hole through it. When I was trying to talk to my mother about what my wife did last night, it felt I couldn't breathe for a few seconds and had to take deep breaths to calm myself down. For all those who say cheating can't hurt you physically, it does. Last night my deceitful wife was blowing up my phone and my mother's trying to get a hold of me and as a result, we turned them off and got a little sleep.

 

I stopped by my house about two hours ago to pick up everything that was very viable and valuable to me and put it in the back of my 4x4 (wasn't too much stuff). As soon as I unlocked the door I knew I was going to hear her sobbing in the living room. Walked in the hallway, looked to my left and there she was: bare feet tucked under her legs on our couch with her face in her hands and her hair jacked up and the tv playing loud. She looked like ****. Part of me wanted to just go over there and hold her but my mind told me she betrayed you, you're here to get your **** and get out.

 

Anyway back to what happened. She looked up at me and tried to get up but I told her don't even come near me because i'll hurt you. That empty threat stopped her dead in her tracks. I wasn't going to hurt her, I just didn't want her filthy hands on me with her excuseless sobbing. She said what I told you last night was the truth, I swear those were the only times I slept with him and contacted him. I started getting angry but my head started aching and I calmed down, walked upstairs with my large bag and box and started packing all the treasure and information that was important. She walked up to the hallway upstairs and said why won't you say something, say anything!! I turned around and said I told you how I felt last night so don't even bother trying to get my attention now that you know you'll lose me. She started begging me to at least stay and have one last talk with her so I said what the hell if this is going to shut her up fine.

 

I stopped packing and we both went into the our spare bedroom (which is an office) and sat down. She said I know what I did was wrong but please i'm begging you to please believe me so I can prove that I really love you. I said how can I when you just recently admitted to me that you slept with your boy toy before our wedding. I continued with you ****ed him, went up on that altar in front of both of our families and friends and lied to not only me, but to them. I said you peformed that letter on how much you loved me and needed me in your life and how it was our destiny to be together. Boy those tears were flowing from her eyes. I said everything that comes out of your mouth is now classified as a lie, so what truth do you really tell when you speak. She couldn't say anything else and I stared at her long and hard for a while then I continued packing. She just sat there looking dumbfounded as I ran down the stairs with my things and went back to my mother's house. I swear i'm though with her. I almost cried on the way back in my truck but I sucked it up like a man and kept driving back to my mother's house. When I made it to the driveway it felt like victory. As if I escaped the Blackhole. I'm never going back to that house unless I have my mother or another family member by my side to discuss what will happen with the property (for divorce) because I see now she's just too toxic to be around.

[YellowShark]

My whole world has been shattered even more, and my chest feels as if someone punched a hole through it. ...I just didn't want her filthy hands on me with her excuseless sobbing....I said everything that comes out of your mouth is now classified as a lie...I'm never going back to that house...she's just too toxic to be around.

 

I feel for ya dude. My EX-of-seven-years and my ex-good-friend - (he's a married man) - were the villains in my story. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It all happened for me three months ago.

 

The pain is horrible and like you I can't believe a word she says because she's sad she got caught, not sad she did it.

 

Stay strong, and I follow a great quote thats a sig from a long-time poster here:

 

"Less gravy... more steel!"

 

Best of luck.

[chained200]

I feel for ya dude. My EX-of-seven-years and my ex-good-friend - (he's a married man) - were the villains in my story. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It all happened for me three months ago.

 

The pain is horrible and like you I can't believe a word she says because she's sad she got caught, not sad she did it.

 

Stay strong, and I follow a great quote thats a sig from a long-time poster here:

 

"Less gravy... more steel!"

 

Best of luck.

 

I know. I've been reading your story and i'm sorry for what you went through.

 

I just feel so hurt by her. I thought that by expressing my hidden feelings it would bring us closer but it only drew us apart. I'm so hurt and pissed right now, and she won't stop calling me and my mother. She keeps this up I will file for harrassment.

[spriggig]

I didn't see where you expressed regret for having physically abused her.

[chained200]

I didn't see where you expressed regret for having physically abused her.

 

I do feel sorry for what I did. I'm glad I was able to restrain myself. She's possibly been cheating on me our whole marriage. You must not know how it feels to have been told your wife slept with an idiot she knew before you, the night before your wedding. The night before she tells you she wants only you forever. Yes, i'm glad I had enough control to have me leave the house without causing anymore havoc. I said earlier that I will bring my mother or another family relative with me the next time I visit our house, especially when me and my wife start discussing divorce. Any hopes of reconciliation has been dismantled so if you feel she's better off without me, then your wish will be granted in a couple months. If you want me to feel down, I already do feel down.

[Steadfast]

 

I do feel sorry for what I did. I'm glad I was able to restrain myself. She's possibly been cheating on me our whole marriage. You must not know how it feels to have been told your wife slept with an idiot she knew before you, the night before your wedding. The night before she tells you she wants only you forever...

 

 

Relax, you're among friends. You are reeling and that's understandable, but try to comprehend that the advice you're getting is for your own good. OK? The idea is from here on out, to start climbing out of the hole.

 

You can't do that if you're sitting in a prison cell.

 

Don't make a bad situation worse. OK? Right now you are all reactionary, but you still have to think. And while you are thinking, consider that cheating is cheating...it never feels good, and (IMO) no time is better or worse. Some here have invested large chunks of their adult lives into failed marriages, then suffering through the fallout of broken-hearted children and shattered families. It's all bad.

 

Rest. You're in good hands. When in doubt, make the 'next right'.

[chained200]

Relax, you're among friends. You are reeling and that's understandable, but try to comprehend that the advice you're getting is for your own good. OK? The idea is from here on out, to start climbing out of the hole.

 

You can't do that if you're sitting in a prison cell.

 

Don't make a bad situation worse. OK? Right now you are all reactionary, but you still have to think. And while you are thinking, consider that cheating is cheating...it never feels good, and (IMO) no time is better or worse. Some here have invested large chunks of their adult lives into failed marriages, then suffering through the fallout of broken-hearted children and shattered families. It's all bad.

 

Rest. You're in good hands. When in doubt, make the 'next right'.

 

Thanks, I know. My emotions are all over the place. I just want this nightmare to be over with so I can move on.

[Cobra_X]

Thanks, I know. My emotions are all over the place. I just want this nightmare to be over with so I can move on.

 

Hey guy! I just want you to know that I'm 6 months out and it feels awesome.

 

The one thing your going to realize as you get back out in the game... is that she was a pile of crap as a wife.

 

I have a new GF and I'm telling you the difference is absolutely insane! My x never gave a damn about my work so long as the paychecks kept coming. My GF spent 5 hours last weekend helping me put together some business proposals.

 

I think guys like us need to just stop settling for crappy women. You know... I am so grateful she cheated. It hurt like hell at the time... but man I'm so much happier. I think you will be too!

[Meaplus3]

.. but man I'm so much happier.!

 

You will be. My best to you.

 

Mea;)

[spriggig]

I do feel sorry for what I did. I'm glad I was able to restrain myself. She's possibly been cheating on me our whole marriage. You must not know how it feels to have been told your wife slept with an idiot she knew before you, the night before your wedding...

 

Oh come on. You and me were once in his place so let's take it easy and see how this plays out.

 

OP needs to stop making excuses for this and the rest of LS should stop too. OP, you should be glad you were able to restrain yourself, it shows you're maturing a little.

 

My wife cheated on me too, you want to tell me that your case is different? It's worse for you and that excuses your behavior? No, I don't buy it and neither would a Cop or a Judge.

 

In my book, physical abuse crosses the line every time, just like cheating, just like racism. Men don't physically attack women for any reason, that's the rule we must live by. We don't need to show we're more powerful. We need to show that we always control it--or we go to prison to cool our jets for a few years.

 

LS, if this sounds harsh or out of line to you, how would it have sounded if OP said he wasn't sorry and he'd do it again? THAT is why I brought this up again--to see which side of the line he'd fall on.

 

OP, when you talk to your wife again, keep your hands in your pockets.

[Spark1111]

Thanks, I know. My emotions are all over the place. I just want this nightmare to be over with so I can move on.

 

Chained, right now do whatever you need to do to stay in the best place you can.

 

But you cannot avoid the flood of feelings and rollercoasting of emotions coming your way.

 

Please try not to suppress this process because it only makes it worse somehow: rage and pain can bubble up from your toes unexpectedly and present itself in some scary ways....for a while.

 

Please see a doc for possible anti-depressents, and a counselor to rage and cry at/with.

 

Breathe.....and wait. You do not have to make any long term decisions today.

 

You just need to concentrate on you, and finding the peace you need.

[chained200]

OP needs to stop making excuses for this and the rest of LS should stop too. OP, you should be glad you were able to restrain yourself, it shows you're maturing a little.

 

My wife cheated on me too, you want to tell me that your case is different? It's worse for you and that excuses your behavior? No, I don't buy it and neither would a Cop or a Judge.

 

In my book, physical abuse crosses the line every time, just like cheating, just like racism. Men don't physically attack women for any reason, that's the rule we must live by. We don't need to show we're more powerful. We need to show that we always control it--or we go to prison to cool our jets for a few years.

 

LS, if this sounds harsh or out of line to you, how would it have sounded if OP said he wasn't sorry and he'd do it again? THAT is why I brought this up again--to see which side of the line he'd fall on.

 

OP, when you talk to your wife again, keep your hands in your pockets.

 

As I said earlier, I do feel sorry for what i've done, and I will bring a family member with me the next time I visit the house. I agree that I should've kept my hands to myself and I will continue to do so. I won't be getting close to her anymore because i'm planning on divorcing her so no need to worry in that department. If she brings it up in court then i'll be ready to face whatever criticism the judge throws at me. I feel really sad for myself and at the same time, I just want to be done with this.

 

 

For those of you who wish to continue to follow me, I will post an update later on tonight.

[chained200]

Chained, right now do whatever you need to do to stay in the best place you can.

 

But you cannot avoid the flood of feelings and rollercoasting of emotions coming your way.

 

Please try not to suppress this process because it only makes it worse somehow: rage and pain can bubble up from your toes unexpectedly and present itself in some scary ways....for a while.

 

Please see a doc for possible anti-depressents, and a counselor to rage and cry at/with.

 

Breathe.....and wait. You do not have to make any long term decisions today.

 

You just need to concentrate on you, and finding the peace you need.

 

Thank you for that warm advice Spark. Really needed that. Spriggig mentioned that the way I handled this was wrong and I agree. I've been thinking this has been my fault also. I will try to focus but its so hard.

[chained200]

Dude get off it. This matter about the "physical abuse" bullcrap has already been settled. We fully understand his pain. Stop attacking him like he's the one who cheated and said he felt no remorse. The guy recently found out that his marriage is one big lie along with the fact that he found out about her cheating on him on his birthday three years ago. This guy is in pain and came here to vent and get support. You especially know what infidelity does to some people. Me and you both have been down that road. You think what he did was bad? Then how about you go to a prison and tell exactly what you said to OP to those former betrayed spouses who killed their wife, her lover, and his kids. Or better yet go to the OM/OW board where cheaters boast about how good their life is with a whole lot of betrayal and lying going on. If he actually hit her I would agree with you, but he didn't. He had the control to move his ass when the **** hit the fan.

 

Its okay. He's right. I agree that I was careless and that I will keep my hands to myself.

[redtail]

Chained, best of luck to you my friend. I too was in your shoes at one time and the feeling can be indescribable and uncontrollable. To discover that a life you built together was a lie is devastating and difficult to describe to those who have not experienced it. I truly understand.

 

You're doing the right thing. I've always said, a divorce like this, is like taking off a band-aid, best if done quickly and deliberately. Focus on you, remain dilligent and you'll be better and wiser.

 

So sorry, take care my friend...