Resentment

[chained200]

Background- Me, BH, 32, W is 33, She cheated on me for three months with another man, and discovery-day was on my birthday, which was three years ago.

 

So I found out was by looking at a sexually explicit text message on her phone that was sent from OM. Mind you this was around 4:00 a.m. in the morning (on my birthday) after we had sex and her phone vibrated. She tried to get the phone but I got to it first and told her I would answer it (just out of curiosity). I was just wondering who would call at this time of day. It was a text message from a number I didn't recognize and it said, "Does your H know how many times I had you orgasming?LOL." I looked at my wife in horror and asked her what the hell is this and she just froze and started crying and kept asking me to forgive her. I went into the basement, shut and locked the door. I was so pissed that I decided to just try to get some sleep. She kept banging on the door, crying until she gave up and left the house. When I woke up and went upstairs she was still gone. After she came home she tried to give me a birthday present and I took it from her, crushed it and told her to tell me everything. We had a long discussion, got the answers I needed and I never brought it up again after I made sure she cut ties with OM. We then went to MC for seven months of that year she had her affair. She told the counselor I was too busy (working too much) and that was why she turned to OM. I convinced my boss to lower my hours so that I could fit more time in with my wife and we have been spending much more time together since then, although my resentment has been building for the past three years because of her affair. For the past two years she gives me a small gift with a note on it saying she's sorry for what she did and she loves me and our marriage. I know she's not been contact with the OM or a new guy and our marriage hasn't had any major problems but I still have so much resentment that I felt I never got to lash out at her. She doesn't know I have this anger. Since her affair i've learned to hide my feelings from her just like when she deceived me during her affair. My feelings of divorcing her are getting stronger every day also. I don't know what to do. Someone help.

[Confused4Now]

Background- Me, BH, 32, W is 33, She cheated on me for three months with another man, and discovery-day was on my birthday, which was three years ago.

 

So I found out was by looking at a sexually explicit text message on her phone that was sent from OM. Mind you this was around 4:00 a.m. in the morning (on my birthday) after we had sex and her phone vibrated. She tried to get the phone but I got to it first and told her I would answer it (just out of curiosity). I was just wondering who would call at this time of day. It was a text message from a number I didn't recognize and it said, "Does your H know how many times I had you orgasming?LOL." I looked at my wife in horror and asked her what the hell is this and she just froze and started crying and kept asking me to forgive her. I went into the basement, shut and locked the door. I was so pissed that I decided to just try to get some sleep. She kept banging on the door, crying until she gave up and left the house. When I woke up and went upstairs she was still gone. After she came home she tried to give me a birthday present and I took it from her, crushed it and told her to tell me everything. We had a long discussion, got the answers I needed and I never brought it up again after I made sure she cut ties with OM. We then went to MC for seven months of that year she had her affair. She told the counselor I was too busy (working too much) and that was why she turned to OM. I convinced my boss to lower my hours so that I could fit more time in with my wife and we have been spending much more time together since then, although my resentment has been building for the past three years because of her affair. For the past two years she gives me a small gift with a note on it saying she's sorry for what she did and she loves me and our marriage. I know she's not been contact with the OM or a new guy and our marriage hasn't had any major problems but I still have so much resentment that I felt I never got to lash out at her. She doesn't know I have this anger. Since her affair i've learned to hide my feelings from her just like when she deceived me during her affair. My feelings of divorcing her are getting stronger every day also. I don't know what to do. Someone help.

Looks like you still need to continue MC or IC...

[Bryanp]

I am really sorry for you. What a horrible way to find out. I hope you both have been tested for STD's. I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed do you think your wife would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been?

 

Why on earth have you not shown her the pain that you have been sufferrng?

How is she to know how much damage she has done and the amount of pain she has inflicted on you if you do not share it with her? It seems to me that by withholding your pain and anger from your wife, you are sending her the message that it was not that big of deal to you emotionally. I think you are making a big mistake. I think you need to show your anger and emotions to your wife so she understands really what she has done. It just does not make sense to me what you are doing and all it really is doing is damaging you. I just don't get it.

[Bryanp]

One other thing I forgot to mention. If the OM was married or has a girlfriend then you need to expose it to them or you are sending a message to the OM that there are no consequences for him screwing your wife. Good luck.

[chained200]

One other thing I forgot to mention. If the OM was married or has a girlfriend then you need to expose it to them or you are sending a message to the OM that there are no consequences for him screwing your wife. Good luck.

 

He's been divorced for a year now. I had his wife meet with me so that I could show her the text messages (I printed them out) that he and my wife were sending back and forth to each other. We talked a little while after she divorced him and then I decided to not continue talking to her since I felt the jerk got what he deserved.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Since her affair i've learned to hide my feelings from her just like when she deceived me during her affair. My feelings of divorcing her are getting stronger every day also. I don't know what to do. Someone help.

 

What part of this is really getting under your skin?

 

Are you upset that the situations doesn't seem fair? That she has not put enough effort into making it up to you? That she broke your trust? That you feel she lacks respect for you?

 

What part of this whole crapstorm is really bothering you?

[chained200]

What part of this is really getting under your skin?

 

Are you upset that the situations doesn't seem fair? That she has not put enough effort into making it up to you? That she broke your trust? That you feel she lacks respect for you?

 

What part of this whole crapstorm is really bothering you?

 

The whole nine yards. Like others have said, I haven't really shown my full anger around the time of her affair. I guess i'm just really questioning my whole marriage and i'm a little stuck.

[Fouts]

Chained, you're not going to get this sudden epiphany and be over it. Some people, in fact alot of people never can get over that type of betrayal. Myself, only if kids were involved. No kids, I'd already be divorced in your shoes.

 

Counselling, as you found out isn't going to solve your issues. It's you and you alone. Don't sabotage the rest of your life for a mistake someone else made. If it's just you and her, you may need to rethink your future. If you have kids, try to move on the best you can and realize you're there for them first and foremost.

[chained200]

You had to find out on your birthday man? Whoa. This is why I left my ex because I didn't want to have so much resentment and waste my time staring at her like I wanted to kill her because of what she did to me and our child. I hope you follow through on those feelings of divorce because something from this post tells me that she is not 100% remorseful and regretful of her actions. You said she did it because you weren't spending enough time for her, well I call bullsshhiitt. There is no justification for an affair. All she had to do was tell you to pay her more attention and that she was losing her love for you or divorce you. She didn't have to go that far. Brynap is right man. It seems as if you never fully told her how you really feel and you need to do that and also divorce her. You let her off the hook for 3 years. I wonder if she would've eventually told you years later or never. It seems if she never got caught OM would've kept giving her orgasms and she would've never told you. Do you have a child or children? How long have you guys been married? Again tell her how you REALLY feel, get it out in the open and hit her with those divorce papers.

 

 

We have no children and we've been married for six years. I want to tell her but i'm having the jitters since its been three years. Sometimes I wonder if she really loves me when I look at her putting her clothes on, to us having sex. This makes my stomach turn upside down and makes me angry at the same time, but i'm also confused.

[chained200]

Just to put the counseling thing to rest: it has not helped but actually made me more resentful of my wife. When we had those sessions I felt as if she (the counselor) was trying to blame me for my wife's affair. I admit that I was working a lot but I feel she didn't have to sleep with another guy. Before I discovered her affair believe me, I wanted to spend more time with her but my boss wouldn't lower my hours at the time so I just decided to keep my mouth shut and stay on the grind. She used to work just as much as me before I found out about her affair and I didn't cheat on her, even though I didn't see her a lot either. Since I was trying to deal with my marriage along with my workload it really started affecting my performance at work, so my boss then decided to lower my hours and how many days I come in so that I could "get my head screwed back on." But my head still isn't really screwed on, more like falling off and its been like that for the past three years. If she really had a problem why didn't she just come to me?

 

 

 

Today I overheard her conversation with her mother. She was telling her how much she loves me and how she really feels sorry for what she put me through, but I don't feel the same for her...

[Spark1111]

Just to put the counseling thing to rest: it has not helped but actually made me more resentful of my wife. When we had those sessions I felt as if she (the counselor) was trying to blame me for my wife's affair. I admit that I was working a lot but I feel she didn't have to sleep with another guy. Before I discovered her affair believe me, I wanted to spend more time with her but my boss wouldn't lower my hours at the time so I just decided to keep my mouth shut and stay on the grind. She used to work just as much as me before I found out about her affair and I didn't cheat on her, even though I didn't see her a lot either. Since I was trying to deal with my marriage along with my workload it really started affecting my performance at work, so my boss then decided to lower my hours and how many days I come in so that I could "get my head screwed back on." But my head still isn't really screwed on, more like falling off and its been like that for the past three years. If she really had a problem why didn't she just come to me?

 

 

 

Today I overheard her conversation with her mother. She was telling her how much she loves me and how she really feels sorry for what she put me through, but I don't feel the same for her...

 

Chained, somewhere in this process you have not communicated your true feelings to your spouse....and that is where your resentment is now coming from.

 

You have two choices: Get to IC or a different MC and learn how to communicate them now in as kind as manner or possible, or they will eat you alive and erode the marriage,

 

or, accept that you cannot truly get over it and set both you and your wife free.

 

Raging at her will not work, but certainly seeing the depth of the pain she has caused you, continues to cause you, is an important part of the healing process.

 

You need to identify what specifically you are feeling as a result of her affair, and what she can do differently to reassure you.

 

It is a 2 to 5 year process to heal, IF all the right steps are taken by both parties!

 

IC is an invaluable forum in which to rage and vent and then attain the proper tools in which to communicate that pain to her in a non-destructive manner.

 

But it sounds to me that you shut down in the process of communicating and it is now coming back to bite you in the behind.

 

If you truly love her, get going on this, the both of you. If you cannot, after much effort, get past it, then an IC can also help you prepare for a more amicable parting.

 

Good luck to you.

[chained200]

Chained, somewhere in this process you have not communicated your true feelings to your spouse....and that is where your resentment is now coming from.

 

You have two choices: Get to IC or a different MC and learn how to communicate them now in as kind as manner or possible, or they will eat you alive and erode the marriage,

 

or, accept that you cannot truly get over it and set both you and your wife free.

 

Raging at her will not work, but certainly seeing the depth of the pain she has caused you, continues to cause you, is an important part of the healing process.

 

You need to identify what specifically you are feeling as a result of her affair, and what she can do differently to reassure you.

 

It is a 2 to 5 year process to heal, IF all the right steps are taken by both parties!

 

IC is an invaluable forum in which to rage and vent and then attain the proper tools in which to communicate that pain to her in a non-destructive manner.

 

But it sounds to me that you shut down in the process of communicating and it is now coming back to bite you in the behind.

 

If you truly love her, get going on this, the both of you. If you cannot, after much effort, get past it, then an IC can also help you prepare for a more amicable parting.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks. I will try to tell her soon. An update will occur tonight.

[Spark1111]

Its coming back to bite him? No I don't think so. This guy has been through enough mess trying to deal with her and he had to find out on his birthday. She would've never told him if he hadn't found out. Its coming back to bite HER behind. They were both working and she runs to another guy because he was busy? She was busy also but he didn't cheat. I hope this guy drops her to the fullest. I wonder if she's been cheating on him for more than three months. He should sit her down and grill her again to see if he can extract more information from her.

 

Bitterman, that was 3 years ago! He has stayed for three years! And they had one exhaustive conversation and he never brought it up again!

 

Big mistake, IMHO.

 

He stayed because he thought/thinks he loves/loved her.

 

But they did not talk, talk, talk about it enough! Both he and she have to learn to communicate better, especially about their needs and the affair if they have any chance.

[Spark1111]

Okay, three years? So? This is not about her needs right now, its about his. She had her chance to express what she needed and she got it with little work (IMO).

 

oh, on this we agree!

 

But he never demanded or communicated he needed more than that.

 

He needs to do so now.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The whole nine yards. Like others have said, I haven't really shown my full anger around the time of her affair. I guess i'm just really questioning my whole marriage and i'm a little stuck.

 

Chained... I'm sorry but I get a strong impression that your the type of guy that bottles everything up because he feels it's the right thing to do.

 

You understand she feels sorry... but that's worthless. I'm sorry I accidentally scratched the paint on my car... just being sorry is meaningless. What you really need is for her to feel your pain, to feel your suffering. I really don't know how to achieve that.

 

I can tell you this though. A few years ago I had a GF cheat on me... and I bottled it up for a time. I felt like she was trying to make me feel it was my fault. After a few months I started to come unglued. I decided that if she really loved me then I could take away all the great things I do for her and provide her and she would still stay.

 

Guess what? As soon as I stopped doing all those nice things for her... I get the "I don't know if I love you" talk.

[chained200]

I want to thank everyone for the additional advice and I will give you the update tonight as promised.

[Distant78]

Chained200, i'm sorry for what you're going through and hope that talk you have with your wife wakes her up, and I hope you continue to tell her your feelings in the long run so you guys can be on the same page. She needs to know that her **** stinks also. Man, I don't know what I would've did if I found out my ex cheated on me on my birthday. I'm glad you taught OM a valuable lesson instead of kicking his azz. Like another mentioned, I also wonder if she's been cheating on you more than 3 months. To me that sounds like damage control. Again, hope you have a REAL GOOD TALK with her and good luck.

[chained200]

This evening I calmly sat down on the couch with my wife and told her bluntly that i'm holding a very deep resentment for her affair that happened three years ago, and that I felt that I never got the chance to tell her how angry I am. I told her that I feel we should probably divorce also. Almost immediately her eyes started welling up and I told her loudly to focus and listen to me. She jumped in her seat and said okay while she had her shirt in her face. I told her to look at me as I speak. She did. I said to her that her betrayal has left a scar in my heart that I will never be able to get rid of and that I was pissed that I had to find out on my birthday. She just nodded her head and said baby I know. I interrupted her and said i'm not finished. I reminded her of what she said on our first date about how she likes a man who works his butt off. Then I said how the earliness of her affair in our marriage made me angry and for her to say how she wanted me to work because it made me attractive, to cheating because I worked too much made her seem like a hypocritical selfish bitch. She fired back by saying she felt unwanted because I was never there. I got angrier and said so its okay to **** someone else because our marriage is going through a phase and i'm trying to work my ass off for you?

 

I said you were working also and had almost the same amount of hours as me so in that sense how about I find me a broad that looks hotter than you to give me orgasms like that jerk said when his punkass texted you on your cell phone. I started asking her all the questions I asked three years ago, on my birthday. I then kept asking her are you witholding any more information that I need to know? She just kept staring at the floor with her red eyes then I asked her again and she started crying even more. She wiped her eyes, looked at me and said promise me you won't hurt me. I told her I promised, she knows I will never do that to her so hurry up and tell me what else. She tried to regain her composure took a deep breath and said she knew him before we started dating (an old flame) and that she had sex with him the night before our wedding. I couldn't believe what she said to me. My heart felt like it skipped a beat. I asked her you've had sex with him more than three months didn't you. She started shaking her head no. I then grabbed her roughly by both of her arms and started shaking her hard, yelling at her to tell me what I need to know. She started screaming that repeatedly that was the truth. I didn't believe her. I let her go, packed a bag and left to go over my mother's house which is where i'm currently am. You guys were right, she's nothing but a lying cheating bitch. I wasted six years with this tramp and i'm pushing thirty-five. Screw this, I think I will actually divorce her. She's probably still cheating on me with the same punk or a new guy. I'm a fool.

[mark982]

she had sex with om, the night before you married? man that's just plain cold, she one rotten ho!!

[lkjh]

Sorry you are going through this but you will find someone who actually cares about marriage

[Bryanp]

Absolutely unbelievable. What the hell is wrong with her? Divorce her and find someone who will respect you and a belief in the commitment to marriage. Screwing this guy the night before your marriage clearly indicates that she never loved or respected you. Clearly she used you for other purposes. What a piece of work she is. There is somebody much better out their in the future for you. Please do not waste any more of your time with someone like this. Good luck.

[Steadfast]

Your anger comes through loud and clear. I understand what you're feeling and agree she's flawed, but the truth is you went in repressed, pushed for info that would make you more angry, and got it. She walked into a buzzsaw.

 

No matter what, calling her names and piling on more accusations isn't going to help. The truth is bad enough...don't fabricate more trouble. Anyone who has experienced infidelity knows this rage (I do, and many others here) but get it under control and get it under control now. The shaking you put her through might have ended up much worse than it did. You can't do that; EVER. This isn't about her, it's for your own good.

 

For now, give it a day or two. Let the dust settle and deal with her (if she approaches you) in a stable, controlled manner. What you say, do and how you act now will effect your future. Don't make a bad situation worse.

 

Find a trusted friend or family member (someone who understands beforehand the process could be long and difficult) protect yourself financially, and post here. Go through every move mentally before doing it. Take a deep breath, be thankful children aren't involved, and think.

[Lovebone]

Just out of curiosity...does she have a sister or a best friend you could sleep with?

 

Just asking, cuz nothing quells resentment like bitter vengeance!

 

Just be sure you send your wife a text message saying "wow...you were 100 times better in bed than my wife" and when she asks you what it means, just tell her you sent it to the wrong number.

 

Seriously though...that situation sucks.

 

Cutting your losses is the best plan.

Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, and there is no reason to stay together after that....kids or no kids.

[seren]

Your anger comes through loud and clear. I understand what you're feeling and agree she's flawed, but the truth is you went in repressed, pushed for info that would make you more angry, and got it. She walked into a buzzsaw.

 

No matter what, calling her names and piling on more accusations isn't going to help. The truth is bad enough...don't fabricate more trouble. Anyone who has experienced infidelity knows this rage (I do, and many others here) but get it under control and get it under control now. The shaking you put her through might have ended up much worse than it did. You can't do that; EVER. This isn't about her, it's for your own good.

 

For now, give it a day or two. Let the dust settle and deal with her (if she approaches you) in a stable, controlled manner. What you say, do and how you act now will effect your future. Don't make a bad situation worse.

 

Find a trusted friend or family member (someone who understands beforehand the process could be long and difficult) protect yourself financially, and post here. Go through every move mentally before doing it. Take a deep breath, be thankful children aren't involved, and think.

 

 

This is such good advice for all A's, it is so easy to act on anger, let the dust settle, ask yourself if you still love her, what you want, how you both need to work through the next stage. Marriages can still be dammed good, DESPITE an A, never because of one. take very good care at what is a crappy time x

[karnak]

It seems your marriage was a fraud since the beginning.

 

Don't get mad at yourself for your reaction. It's perfectly normal, given the circunstances (we're all humans). Who wouldn't be pissed knowing that they had been living a fraud and joked upon for years and years?

 

Unfortunately, I know what it's like to be fooled and lied to by friends. I don't know your wife, but these kind of situations are almost always the same. Your wife probably never loved you. But decided to marry you because you are a hard-working guy. She, like so many women, married only because of the comfort and stability you provided, while she had true feelings for another man.

 

This is just my opinion. In the end you should really trust your gut feelings. Those will tell you the truth.