My no contact letter

[kirbkirb]

I wrote this and want some feed back. He broke up with me last saturday and has called me everyday since then and wanted to hang out once. He left things saturday night saying that we had to get back to ground zero and try to be friends before we can have a happy realtionship. In my mind him call everyday ect. is making me think he doesn't really want to break up but our realtionship was such a mess that it left no where to go. I don't need to hold onto that hhope and have him calling me every day if thats not true, I need to move on if he is. So this is my NC letter and I'd like some feedback before I give it:

 

So I've done my soul searching and sought advice. I've come to the conclusion that we were unhealthy people. We were in no place within ourselves to start a relationship of this calibur with anyone, but it happened and it was messy. I've come to realize as much as I didn't want to see it or let it go that we don't need to be in that realtionship anymore, it was going to do nothing but fail and I wanted to prolong that and deny that because i didnt want to let you go. I was to scared and we were to distrustful and dishonest with each other to be able to actually repair anything, so the only place for it to go was down. We were too ontop of each other. Now my point is I love you and am in love with you, you said we can be friends and see if that possibly leads into a realtionship in the future ect. ect. but I can't be just your friend at this point I'm in love with you and I'm not your buddy. I think the only thing continuting talking to you everyday and hang out on occasion at this point is just going to keep hurting me and keeping me from moving forward if thats what I'm going to have to do. Like I said I agree that we can't continue in a realtionship but if we continue to talk and spend time together it needs to be because we are activly trying to build something between us that will allow us to get back to the point of being in a seriously relationship a real one not the one we tried to pretend we were in. In a way I'm guessing that I propse that we 'date' one another again and also take time to ourselves to work on our own personal issues and see how we devolp as people but with each other's support, but at this point if we aren't going put something into us it isn't much good for me to put on this facade as if I'm your buddy becuase I still have hope for us at this point and if you don't I need to move on and I can't do that with you around. I need to be out of contact with you for a while to allow myself to get over you and get used to the idea of no us. I'll contact you when I feel I'm ready because I'm sure we could be friends at somepoint but not now I'm still to in love with you to be your friend right now. I want you in my life of course but I can't sit on the couch beside you and pretend that I don't want to snuggle up to you I can't continue to hang up the phone with you and not want to tell you I love you. You were correct when you said that we need to start at ground zero again but I believe the first step to that is to be completly honest about how we feel and thats what I'm doing. It's not healthy for us to contiune on like we were as much as I tried to fight that in the begining, but its also not healthy for me to pretend that I'm fine and we're just buddys so we can either work on slowly rebuilding things or have no contact for a while. Either way I've got to move forward.

[2sunny]

no need to write anything.

 

just DO it. stop answering calls, texts etc. that is the way NC works - by just doing it.

 

 

after a while of you not responding - he will get the message that you aren't participating in it any longer.

[kirbkirb]

Actually I do think there is a need to explain my actions to him. I realize that in alot of situations just jumping into straight no contact is better but in ours I do owe him an explination as to why I'm not answering. We didn't leave thing bitter and angry and I don't want to start conveying that message now.

[Silvaria]

Actually I do think there is a need to explain my actions to him. I realize that in alot of situations just jumping into straight no contact is better but in ours I do owe him an explination as to why I'm not answering. We didn't leave thing bitter and angry and I don't want to start conveying that message now.

 

I can understand that, very much so.

[2sunny]

Actually I do think there is a need to explain my actions to him. I realize that in alot of situations just jumping into straight no contact is better but in ours I do owe him an explination as to why I'm not answering. We didn't leave thing bitter and angry and I don't want to start conveying that message now.

 

then just tell him that with as few words as possible that make things perfectly clear. be honest.

[Silvaria]

then just tell him that with as few words as possible that make things perfectly clear.

 

I agree with this wholeheartedly. "Brief and to the point", as they say in the editing world. Less repetitiveness makes for easier reading.

[2sunny]

Actually I do think there is a need to explain my actions to him. I realize that in alot of situations just jumping into straight no contact is better but in ours I do owe him an explination as to why I'm not answering. We didn't leave thing bitter and angry and I don't want to start conveying that message now.

 

then why write a letter? speak your truth to him.

[Don Ho]

Best advice: drop that letter in the shredder.

[Lemontang]

Best advice: drop that letter in the shredder.

 

I'd like to say that, but I somewhat disagree with this scenario. In short your not just letting him know your going NC, but your also summing up the relationship and giving closure, so that should the ground zero never kick off again you can at the very least be content that closure was given and he should understand and respect that.

 

I wrote something close to the point some time back to an ex to advise the same thing and I'm glad I did it, if only so I could give myself closure when she wouldn't give it in return.

[boltsfan17]

I wouldn't send the letter. You should just talk to him, tell him how you feel, and then say it's best you both take a break and go NC for now.

 

With things being messy, I don't think it's a good idea just to take a step back by being friends now. You two need some time apart with no contact. During NC, reflect back on the relationship. Maybe in time you will decide to move on or maybe you will feel it's best to start over again with the relationship by being friends and see where that goes.

[Don Ho]

I'd like to say that, but I somewhat disagree with this scenario. In short your not just letting him know your going NC, but your also summing up the relationship and giving closure, so that should the ground zero never kick off again you can at the very least be content that closure was given and he should understand and respect that.

 

You never tell them you're going NC. That defeats the purpose. There is also no reason to "sum it up" and give him a letter nor tell him in person. That MIGHT make you feel better, but it will do nothing to make it better between the two of you. I don't think you're going to get "closure" because he is not going to respond and is not going to give you any answers. Again, it's a futile attempt to make yourself feel better. Your letter will give you a false sense of "closure" and wont make you feel any better about being apart. He's not going to "understand and respect that", more likely he will view it as annoying and only push him further away. If you want to close the door with your "closure" letter, that is likely what you'll get, a closed door with less possibility of a future. Put it in the shredder.

[Cee]

It's insulting when someone dumps me and then wants to renegotiate the relationship as a friendship right away. It shows that they have no compassion or understanding of your feelings.

 

I write for a living so I know a lot about communication.

 

[unsolicited writing tip] Writing long personal emails is not good communication. Short is best. I suggest you right everything down and then winnow you text into the three meatiest sentences. Such as:

 

I have considered your offer to pursue a friendship. I am not open for friendship at this time. I ask that you respect my need for space and not contact me in any way. I will call you if my feelings change about pursuing a friendship.

 

Yup, it's the "Don't call me, I'll call you speech."

 

Writing is about creating the intent for action.

 

Buuuut... I say skip the writing and simply go NC.

 

Because action is action. And isn't that the best thing?

[Banker Chick]

My ex and I went through something similar. The relationship was imploding so he asked for some time and space about a month ago. Like you, I didn't want to do that without "guarantees" and he didn't want us to date others so I felt it was the ultimate limbo. I said no, I couldn't be friends and went NC. I felt horrible after the first week so like you are suggesting, I sent a similar e-mail. Not that I wanted to get back together, but that I was cognizant of where the break down was and how I felt. We spoke on the phone after he read the email and since then we've had limited contact ... texts here and there and fairly lengthy phone conversations on the weekends (he lives an hour and 1/2 from me).

 

We've established a pattern in the past four or so weeks. He understands I'm dating (although he's extremely jealous and doesn't like it but he's welcome to also even though he won't) and we are rebuilding our friendship. I wouldn't do this except it's obvious with the things we both say and do that we are working toward a goal of seeing where this can go in the future. We are taking it very slowly. He actually came to visit me for the first time since the break up yesterday and it was very nice.

 

I'm glad I sent the initial e-mail because in my case (and every situation is different) I don't think full NC was best, given how and why we broke up.

[Am4Real]

You don’t write a letter to advise someone of justification for anything in a terminated relationship. All that is going to do is raise argument from the other party due to something in the letter being undesirable to him; perhaps he disagrees with your point of view or maybe wants to defend himself. Albeit the discussion and more continues as well as all the ensuing contact.

 

Simply…when the next contact arrives in whatever form return the following:

 

“I no longer wish to continue this relationship and ask for your respect in no longer contacting me by any means”.

 

Period. Do not sign it with Love Me or some other gentle salutation.

 

Make sense to you?

[Thorgs]

Don't send the letter. Doing it will send a stronger message. If he truly misses you and wants you back that bad, then he will come crawling back. No need to waste your hope on this. Trust me. I just wasted the last 2 months on hope. Go read my original thread if you want. It'll all just blow up in your face if you hang on to something that's just spinning it's wheels.

 

Well, then again, not everyone is so open-legged like my ex

[Thorgs]

Here are two quotes that I like, maybe they can help.

 

"If you think the grass is greener on the other side, perhaps you should take care of your side."

 

"Don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

[Art_Critic]

no need to write anything.

 

just DO it. stop answering calls, texts etc. that is the way NC works - by just doing it.

 

 

after a while of you not responding - he will get the message that you aren't participating in it any longer.

 

This.. great advice..

 

By the way.. writing a letter asking for NC is contact on your part and really kinda redundant..

 

Just go NC and burn the letter

[kirbkirb]

So I didn't have a chance to give him the letter or talk to him before ge called me this morning saying he loved me and wanted me to come over.

[Art_Critic]

So I didn't have a chance to give him the letter or talk to him before ge called me this morning saying he loved me and wanted me to come over.

 

Just stop speaking with him.. it's called No Contact for a reason and you keep allowing contact to happen as well as creating a letter to contact him with.

 

Block his number and his email and don't accept calls from him anymore.

[stopthemadness]

Well i was gonna tell you dont do it. Not to send that letter. It was way to long, but i bet it felt real good to write it (been there). Oh my goodness, sounds like you got back together. So i guess....Here you go again (good luck).