This is moving tooo quickly

[Fooser]

Well, I guess it's like so many of the posts on this site, but here's my story.

 

5 weeks ago my wife informs me that she isn't happy with out marriage. She explained why to me stating that for more than a while, she has felt emotionally disconnected from me. The night she informed me of her decision, she stated that she wasn't sure if we should get sepparated or stay together. She did mention to me that what ever happens we need to be strong for our kids (B-10 / G-8) and make sure we look after them as best we can. What was strange was later that night when at a party for friends of ours who were getting married the next day, she seemed very caring about my emotional state, and was even very flirtatious with me. That did little for my mood.

 

I dropped off my buddy's later on that night and just wanted to get home to talk with my wife. When I did, she was very different than the hours before. She laid it all out to me about eveyting that has been going wrong with us for the last while. Issues that went back up to 7 years earlier (My vasectamy), and up to the present. While listening to my wife, I at the same time realized that I now need to deal with an alcohol problem that has been dogging me for years now, and that this was my "Bottom". When I mentioned councilling, that she had also mentioned about 2 months earlier, she said no. She wants nothing to do with it. We have 2-4 "Blow Ups" a year that usually revolve around the same sort of issues of my participation in chores around the house, finances and such. Also, a big issue for me, and has been for years is how much her parents are always around and helping out with so many aspects of our lives. This may have something to do with the fact that my wife is an only child.

 

Fast foreward to a week later. We are now getting separated for sure, and I have no say. She requested that the house be put up for sale, and that we each find our own place close to each other to benefit the kids and their lives. Within 3 weeks I had a rough draft of a separation agreement in my hand that I was going over with my new found friend "The Lawyer". He stated that the aggreement was very generous, and that a few things needed to be tweaked, but overall it was put together with a lot of consideration.

 

As the days went on, emotions began to run their course. At any given time, either one of us would be upset and crying. Small arguments would also flare up. I confronted her with the question of "Is there someone else?" She replied "No", she has just had a very long time to think this entire situation over. I want to believe this, but I would be lying if the thought hasn't crossed my mind a few times. As time went on, I of course repeated the request for councelling, but she still refuses.

 

As it stands now (5 weeks later), the house is sold, and I need to still speak to my Lawyer about a revised separation aggreement. My heart is broken like never before. I am currently going to AA, as well as seeing councelling about my alcohol problem. I'm not saying that I don't have my issues, but I am having a real problem with how decisive she is being, and how it seems that she just will not try to save the marriage. I know I need to fix me to make me a better person, but I wonder how I am going to accomplish that being alone and missing my 2 kids.

 

Is this worth saving? If so, is it true that I should "Get on with my life" and show her that I can handle being on my own? Am I missing something here?

 

I just want to love my wife and kids as a family, not just my kid's one night a week and every other weekend.

 

What do I do? I've never felt this lost before. What would a woman in her position want to see in a man to make her want to go back?

 

 

Fooser

[habs53]

Yep, all to common. Let her go. See ya.

She has found someone else, no doubt. Take care of yourself and look out for number one. She will find quickly that the grass is not greener.

[You Go Girl]

Well, I guess it's like so many of the posts on this site, but here's my story.

 

5 weeks ago my wife informs me that she isn't happy with out marriage. She explained why to me stating that for more than a while, she has felt emotionally disconnected from me.

She laid it all out to me about eveyting that has been going wrong with us for the last while. Issues that went back up to 7 years earlier (My vasectamy), and up to the present. While listening to my wife, I at the same time realized that I now need to deal with an alcohol problem that has been dogging me for years now, and that this was my "Bottom". When I mentioned councilling, that she had also mentioned about 2 months earlier, she said no.

I confronted her with the question of "Is there someone else?" She replied "No", she has just had a very long time to think this entire situation over.

 

Is this worth saving? If so, is it true that I should "Get on with my life" and show her that I can handle being on my own? Am I missing something here?

What do I do? I've never felt this lost before. What would a woman in her position want to see in a man to make her want to go back?

Fooser

Ok, I cut up your post to address certain things.

Emotional disconnect your wife feels--this is very common when married to a drinker. Drinkers don't listen, they aren't present. They are off in la la land.

Issues 7 years back--never fixed? Same old issues? Were you drinking throughout these 7 years?

I must tell you, I was married to an alcholic for the last 7 years. I understand what her frustration is.

 

She's refused counseling= she doesn't believe anything will ever change.

 

You don't show her that you can survive on your own. You survive on your own, heck, you thrive on your own-- to reconnect with reality. You don't stop drinking for somebody else--because if you do, you will be back at it in awhile. You MUST stop drinking for YOU. Seems worthwhile, doesn't it? To stop drinking because it's no good for your mental health, regardless of whether your w ever talks to you again or not? If you can't say yes to that, then I suggest you keep plugging along in AA until you can say yes to that.

What would a woman want to see to come back?

SOBRIETY.

Now trusting that sobriety is going to be long -lasting isn't in the cards. She isn't going to trust, she is only going to see what you do, over the long-term. There's no way in hell she is going to trust without the proof of time on her side. She may never trust again, I don't know her, I don't know her beef with you. I only know that when people who are with drinkers have had enough, they're not going to let themselves be vulnerable by trusting. That leaves only the proof of time left, and no small amount of time is going to convince her that you won't go back to the bottle. Only a LONG time. How long? She might be rather impressed with six months. Why not ask her?

I think the biggest convincing factor would be sitting down with you after several months of sobriety and seeing how you have changed, because if you're a heavy drinker, you are going to become a different person rather quickly. You will see the light of day on issues that were left unfixed for those 7 years, and since you've been checked out at least part of those 7 years if not all, you are finally going to realize that YEARS is a long time to wait for anything. Time was a wastin'....while you were wasted.

 

Now I am not attacking you! Oh not at all! I am so glad that you are addressing your alcohol problem! I am soooo rooting for you to succeed! I really wish my tbx would call you up and go with you...but that was never in the cards.

I imagine who he would be after several months of sobriety. Just how he might see the world differently. And I can't even imagine it--because he's never been sober while I've known him. But I do imagine that if he ever did get sober, the next woman is going to be the lucky one that gets the side of him that is serious about life, and the best side of him that was always there, but far too often subdued by the bottle. Somebody who had lost the arrogance of drink. There's a wonderful person underneath that bottle in his hand.

After you get enough posts and you can send PM's, you send me a note if you ever want to talk. I am so very much hoping the very best for you!

[cavedweller]

Can you and your wife make it work?---I don't know..

 

I do know, for a fact, that you need to do everything in your power to get a handle on your drinking..That would be a big step in the right direction..

 

my 2 cents

[Fooser]

Guys,

 

Thank you so much for your honest feedback. Honesty really is what I need now. I figure that I've lived a candy coated life for too long because of my alcohol problem.

 

As far as another person in her life, it may be. I'm not trying to deny that this is possible, but it's just not part of my W's chemistry. She is too loyal to whatever she is involved in. Having said that, I believe that perhaps there is a friend in her life that represents what she wants as a partner in her life. This hurts just as much as if she was having an affair. So Hab's, You may be right about the "Someone else" you mentioned, but it just doesn't fit. But who knows? After all, I have been oblivious to life because of drinking right?

 

You Go Girl, you hit a lot of what I think is going on. A lot of things my wife says when we have discussions about the situation seems a bit confusing to me. On one hand, she will talk about things as if our marriage if absolutely final, but then leave a "Backdoor" if you will to the statement. She said to me one time that she didn't want me to get my hopes up about us ever being together again and that she doesn't see us as husband and wife anymore. But then she follows it up with "..that's how I feel right now, but who knows? 3 months from now, 6 months from now that might change". She has also said repeatedly that she "Needs space to think and deal with issues", and she needs a break from me.

 

Statements like that can be very confusing to me. I guess I need to let go of yesterday, not worry about tomorrow, and just deal with today. I can be in control of me today, and that's what counts. It also helps that with the separation agreement, she is being very fair to me. She is giving me a big break on what I actually could be paying for child support, and we are splitting up the assets very evenly. She also explained that she wants us to stay in the same sub-division so that the kids can come and visit me anytime they want as long as I am home. She said that she would never deny me seeing my kids, and that what is put in the separation agreement is just a guidline with the minimums in place. So even though this separation was her idea, she has been thinking of me and my ability to handle finances. She realizes that if I have nothing, neither will the kids.

 

But bottom line is this. I need to gt what hurts is that my wife has said to me that I have been very self centered, and haven't thought of others just myself. ANd in order to venture down this road, I have to be selfish and concentrate on me. Not with eveything of course, but it is ironic.

 

It is a step in the right direction regardless. It needs to be done. I haven't known the real me for many years (Perhaps 20 or so), and if that is a true statement, then it is safe to sat that on many levels, neither has my wife and kids.

 

And that to me is scary.

 

 

Thanks guys, it means a lot to me to get your input.

 

 

Fooser

[2.50 a gallon]

Fooser

 

I too would suspect that there might be somebody else influencing her.

 

Here is also what I think has happened. First picture your marriage as a teeter - tooter, with you on one end and her on the other. Both of you are carrying around a "book of bad" and a "book of good". The book of good includes good "we" memories, picnics, and can include "you" memories, such as gifts, flowers, cards you gave her.

 

The "book of bad" entries are mostly "you did this, you said that". The book of bad entries out weigh the "book of good" entries so that it takes two goods to counterbalance one bad.

 

Now imagine that the ground is electrified. As long as you keep the ends from touching the ground everything is fine. But the minute the "bad" entries so out weigh the "good" entries, that the end touches the ground and shorts out the two of you fight. The clearing of the air helps and the two of you are able to get the teeter - tooter back up off the ground for awhile until it happens again

 

As the years go by the entries in the "book of bad" keep growing until finally there comes a tipping point where the end crashes to the ground so hard and the arc is so bad one or the other decides to get off the teeter -tooter and will no longer listen to their spouses words and explanations.

 

There still is hope. She did choose you to love and have a family with. Changing your ways and becoming the man she fell in love with sometimes works. But the trick is to do it for yourself.

 

One of the biggest turn ons for a woman is a man's confidence. In your present state she will see you a weak alcoholic, needy, clingy, etc. You fix yourself and move on happily in life and she will notice.

Edited September 12, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[carhill]

OP, you have 47 more weeks until a finalized divorce is possible, if I read Canadian law correctly. That's a lot of time to work on you. Your *actions* will show who you are. Anything is possible. Each day is a new day. One positive step each day. Good luck

[You Go Girl]

 

But bottom line is this. I need to gt what hurts is that my wife has said to me that I have been very self centered, and haven't thought of others just myself. ANd in order to venture down this road, I have to be selfish and concentrate on me. Not with eveything of course, but it is ironic.

 

It is a step in the right direction regardless. It needs to be done. I haven't known the real me for many years (Perhaps 20 or so), and if that is a true statement, then it is safe to sat that on many levels, neither has my wife and kids.

 

And that to me is scary.

 

Fooser

I think you have work to do on two fronts. Yes, you have to concentrate on you to beat the drinking. But does selfishness really have to go hand in hand with that? Maybe I'm picking at semantics.

 

Think back 20 years. What changed when the drinking became a regular thing?

It is very scary...I was married 7 years to a man that has a long term drinking habit, and I wonder who he is without it? Does he even know? No, he doesn't...it was a silly question.

[Fooser]

It's not that I want to be selfish, all I was saying is that in order for me to accomplish what I need to do, I have to put me first. That's what I thought was ironic.

 

I'm not the type of person that really wants to put "Me" first. I try to put other people and their feelings in front of mine. I guess that with alcohol affecting my life so much, I wasn't putting the ones first who matter the most. And every day I wake and realize that more and more, the worse I feel.

 

I truely want my family back under one roof in the future, but having said that, I know that I need to get me fixed first. Not just that, but fixing me for me, and no one else. Hopefuly I just might do a little growing up. But if I do give myself the tools to learn to love and cope better, well then that make me a better person for everyone in my life.

 

I call that a win-win.

 

I am still hurting like never before. It's a long road.

 

 

Fooser