holms Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Hi, I'm new to this site and the Forum. I stumbled onto this site after work this morning and just reading a few posts have helped me already but not all of them fit my personal situation. I can already see that many people on this Forum are supportive understanding posters which is strange to me since most of the forums I had seen are one big "Bash Fest" on the writer and posters. I do hope this does not get too long winded but I do have a lot to say and ask. First of all let me start by saying that me and my Daughters mother weren't married but lived together almost 8 years and we have a 6 year old daughter. We started great as most couples do and matched up great, but almost from the beginning it was like the Universe was plotting against us. We had our problems and our fights as most couples do but nothing ever serious and we always worked through them. A few years ago I caught her texting and calling a guy she met from work and called her out on it. We fought and argued almost on a constant basis about it and she would always say things like "At least he pays attention to me" or "Nothing like that is going on, he is going through a Divorce and I listen and give advice." I guess I understood that we had begun to grow apart after her father passed away on Hospice Care living with us. It was hard on her and I tried to give support when I could but she closed off a lot so I did too and lost myself into Computer Games and she went out with friends a lot while I stayed home with our Daughter. She would go from needing a hug to screaming at me at the drop of a hat. Then a lot of the finger pointing started. When the bills at that house became too much for us she packed up and moved.... guess where. With him. She never moved in completely just packed her stuff there and stayed at her mothers house and I stayed at a friends. Most of our friends took this as a break up and in many ways so did I. She however would call constantly and try to get me to spend the weekends in a hotel with her or something. After 2 months of both of us stating that we weren't always this bad we started to talk about trying again. I did ask her to let that other guy be and stated that it was an issue we couldn't have if we were to continue. She agreed that once we got a new place she would get everything out of his place and be done with him. So we started over and got a new apartment and for a year things were great. We still had our fights but we were better about it, communicated better, and tried to leave the yelling and finger pointing out of it. Only after about a year I started to see that the other guy was still in the background of our lives. Started to notice myself getting angry again and started to see her back away again because of this. About 6 months ago I was almost late for work (3rd shift) because she was off bowling with him, my daughter, and his kids. What hurt the most was that she had my 6 year old daughter Lie to me so I wouldn't be mad. It took about a month for the truth to come out and when it did I left. I packed up and moved in back home with my mother for a while and continued to pay her Rent until the lease was up. I left hurt and angry and for 2 months I avoided her calls as much as I could. I would go see my daughter as much as I could and continued to take her to school but her mother would always tag along. When I would pull up to drop her off she would cry and beg me to come home, and just all around try to get me to show some signs I still loved her. I would tell her that I did still love her just that I was very hurt. She started to push harder after a bit and would call my phone 20 times in a row. She would accuse me of already having someone lined up. She would show up at my work at the she knew I started. And pushed and pushed. I would tell her that none of this was helping and that I was already angry and getting worse, that she was pushing me away rather then winning me back. I did say some fairly mean statements to her, I won't deny that, but I didn't know how to handle the situation anymore. Then it started to slow down. She stopped calling as much and started doing the things for herself I had been asking of her for years. She wrote me a heart felt letter that she knows she hurt me and that we hurt each other, and also that the other guy was gone for good. I heard from my daughter that once she told him that she couldn't talk to him anymore he started getting creepy and her brother had to get involved. Needless to say.... he is gone now, she wants nothing to do with him and started to talk to me about how it all started innocent enough, just talking and going out for drinks but he started to think there was something more and once I was gone he went all out clingy. This was a few months ago now and he have both had some time apart to reflect. Now that school has started again and I'm back to taking my daughter to school we have been seeing each other every day again. I stated to her the other day that I do miss her very much and I do love her. I lost my best friend and we both started to hug, hard and tight like we used to. We ended up sleeping together last Friday for the first time in 7 months and after I asked her how she felt about me staying a weekend at home here and there and try it out. She yelped "No" and stated that I said and did a lot of mean things to her and that she does not want to lose me really but that she is still hurt by how mean I was about the whole thing. Now she is being cold and withdrawn again and every time I call to talk its "Your pushing too hard, I need time" or "We have to work on being friends again first." For some reason I love this crazy woman and I would like my family back but now that I'm ready she is now the one pushing me away. For some odd reason I think she is worth the effort but I don't want to waste my time either. Id like her back but I'm confused. Its almost as if now that she has the ball in her court she suddenly doesn't want to play the game anymore. If you read this far, thank you I guess.... sorry so long. Any advice would help.
worlybear Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Hey. I really feel for you. I think though that she is messing with you. If you really want her back then you need to be very cool and go NC. If she truly wants you then she will make the effort- but you need to ask yourself if you can take back a cheater. Hugs:bunny:
heartbrokensj Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 If you read this far, thank you I guess.... sorry so long. Any advice would help. As the LS member already stated, it will take both of you to truly reconcile...If you are interested in reading books on this topic, some books i found helpful are: boundaries in marriage by cloud and townsend, divorce remedy and divorce busting by michele weiner davis, and can my marriage be saved found on amazon or marriagebuilders.com Perhaps if your spouse is open to it, you both can read these books together...For this website, perhaps implementing the 180 rule and the limited contact rule would help you at this point in time..good luck and of course it helps if your religious to pray about all this..These are some of the resources I have started to utilize to help me cope and understand all this. Hoping for all the best with you and your family-that you both can restore your family to get to even better place.
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