KarmasTestDummy Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 So I'm day 6 now NC from my mm. We're both stubborn as heck and creatures of habit so I know we won't have random slip-ups. I know he won't cave first and neither will I. I was clear no check-in without something dramatically different and in the direction of me, otherwise I didn't want to know. So...even if he's pining over the lost A or wondering how I'm doing, he'll keep it to himself. Knowing these things has made it easier. I clearly have zero expectation of ever speaking to him for at least the next several months. I know, therefore I can heal, I can accept, and I can move on. I'm making every effort in the right direction to do so. My conscious mind is on track, but what the heck is my unconscious mind doing to me? I lay down at night and fall asleep easy enough after having forced his memory from my thoughts 90% of the day, but the second I am asleep I am consumed. I dream of him. I dream of what breaking contact will bring...both realistically and unrealistically. I dream of him calling me' and saying he couldn't live another moment without me in his life and therefore walked away from it all to be with me. Then I wake up...shaken, unearthed...almost always at 3:15 am on the dot with no falling back to sleep, and the quietness of the house to keep my mind unglued. If I believed in voodoo mind reading telepathy super natural stuff I'd almost swear he was sending me messages while I sleep. Makes me' almost angry that as much as I demanded NC, I can't escape the contact in my mind night after night. Lord just give me' a peaceful nights sleep please. I can handle the rest.
lilbunny Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 You sound pretty determined on the NC, hope some of that rubs off on me. I commented on something similar elsewhere and I really do think dreams are our subconscious working through our crap and it is a healthy thing, after all you haven't erased him from your memory. If you aren't thinking about it during the day then at some point your head has to deal with it and it does so when you are asleep. I wouldn't worry too much, I think it will subside as you start to heal.
jj33 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Youre doing so well Karma. Keep it up. You cant totally force yourself not to think of someone. The thoughts come out at some point or another so you stifle during the day and your subconscious processes it at night. It means your brain is doing its job. As painful and tiring as it is, its a good thing. I still dream of xMM from time to time. This summer I went through a phase where I dreamt we were married for about 2 weeks... and its been over for several years. The first few months after it ended I hardly got a restful night of sleep dreaming about him. I would wake up some mornings and look over expecting him to be there as in my dream since we used to stay together during the week. So its not unusual. Your mind just needs to accept whats going on and that can take time. Big hugs
desertIslandCactus Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I think many of us are romantics by nature. The MM or xperson in your life could just be a face in your romantic adventure.
awkward Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 You're doing great. I hear you when you say that he won't break NC, but so many do. It would be in your best interest to be prepared. Decide if you will respond and if you do what will you say, etc. Have you made a list of the bare minimum you will except from MM?
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I seldom remember any of my dreams but strangely I awoke with a memory of a dream about xmm which was sexual in nature, and very strange indeed.
siuys Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Karmas, our experiences sound very similar. NC with MM for about 5 days until next check in which is October. Our situation is a little different (or I'm just stupid) but mm is sorting his crap out so we're minimising contact. Don't know what will happen. I think about him A LOT and at night, I have trouble sleeping. Not every day, but very often. This has been going on ever since I met him at the beginning of the year. I also dreamt about him the other night - a nightmare, where he was this deceiving and awful person and the relationship ended. There were a lot of awful things in that dream, kinda like an evil side of him. I feel like it is the end of something - the end of the toxic part of the relationship. That is good in itself, even if we never get back together. All the best and hang in there. You're doing great.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 You're doing great. I hear you when you say that he won't break NC, but so many do. It would be in your best interest to be prepared. Decide if you will respond and if you do what will you say, etc. Have you made a list of the bare minimum you will except from MM? Wow, no I haven't even thought of the possibility. He admitted that he was selfish to tie me' down and wanted me' to be able to live my life though he still was on a path towards divorce. It wasn't that he chose to stay with his wife but that he still had so much to work through. For that he did say this wasn't the end and that I would be hearing from him again. I just don't expect it will be fast. So when I have always considered the day he broke NC I just kinda assumed it would be bare minimum that one of them moved out and that it was over. Under those circumstances I would hope his intent was to pursue things with me'. If not, I hope he would not have contacted me' yet. I think i would be very upset to hear from him only to hear things were as they always were and/or they were doing better and going to stick it out. I can assume that much without hearing from him...and thus I doubt I would handle it well. Maybe if he told me' he wasn't leaving afterall it would bring closure though. I would stop holding out for the best.
bentnotbroken Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 So I'm day 6 now NC from my mm. We're both stubborn as heck and creatures of habit so I know we won't have random slip-ups. I know he won't cave first and neither will I. I was clear no check-in without something dramatically different and in the direction of me, otherwise I didn't want to know. So...even if he's pining over the lost A or wondering how I'm doing, he'll keep it to himself. Knowing these things has made it easier. I clearly have zero expectation of ever speaking to him for at least the next several months. I know, therefore I can heal, I can accept, and I can move on. I'm making every effort in the right direction to do so. My conscious mind is on track, but what the heck is my unconscious mind doing to me? I lay down at night and fall asleep easy enough after having forced his memory from my thoughts 90% of the day, but the second I am asleep I am consumed. I dream of him. I dream of what breaking contact will bring...both realistically and unrealistically. I dream of him calling me' and saying he couldn't live another moment without me in his life and therefore walked away from it all to be with me. Then I wake up...shaken, unearthed...almost always at 3:15 am on the dot with no falling back to sleep, and the quietness of the house to keep my mind unglued. If I believed in voodoo mind reading telepathy super natural stuff I'd almost swear he was sending me messages while I sleep. Makes me' almost angry that as much as I demanded NC, I can't escape the contact in my mind night after night. Lord just give me' a peaceful nights sleep please. I can handle the rest. And if you are serious about the Lord giving you that peace, He will. All you have to do is ask to be released from the chains that this situation has caused you and trust that he will.
awkward Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Chances are that you will hear from him sooner than you think. That is why I was suggesting for you to be prepared otherwise you might get blindsided and back on the rollercoaster. It will probably be something like it's not working, I'm miserable without you, I just need more time .... I doubt it will be like I moved out, I filed papers ...
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 It's not him. It's karma playing with your head for having an affair. You bit the poisonous apple. Yea well if u read my intro then you would know that my MM led me' to think their marriage was over in the beginning, so please don't be so quick to judge. It wasn't even after a month of knowing she was still in the picture. It just wasn't going over well.
BB07 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Yea well if u read my intro then you would know that my MM led me' to think their marriage was over in the beginning, so please don't be so quick to judge. It wasn't even after a month of knowing she was still in the picture. It just wasn't going over well. KTD, you are wasting your time replying to the likes of romango, people like him/her are here only to take a one line shot at you by saying something nasty.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 And if you are serious about the Lord giving you that peace, He will. All you have to do is ask to be released from the chains that this situation has caused you and trust that he will. Thankyou for the reminder. The Lord and I had a nice long chat this afternoon.
bentnotbroken Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Thankyou for the reminder. The Lord and I had a nice long chat this afternoon. I so love those chats. They usually serve to remind of something I need to work on and who needs something other than me. :laugh:I hate being reprimanded:(, but it is all good.
September Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Oh the dreams and sleepless nights! I so remember them...I too would wake at 3am every morning for months, I felt like a walking zombie! Slowly in time is does pass but while you are going through it it seems like it will never end but it will. I still dream quite often, waking, thinging it's real. Hopefully one day soon, that will also pass. It's nice to know that's it's normal and that you are not alone. Welcome to the club that nobody really expected to join...
BB07 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 What was so nasty about my post? Men/women like you are too defensive. Like me? What exactly do you mean by that like me comment. Oh never mind, I get it. Your intent seeps out in almost every word you post and yes it's nasty.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) I wasn't judging you. To each their own. Karma and your conscience will be your judge. So, your MM led you to think their marriage was over? This honorable man couldn't have possibly lied, could he? I can't defend his actions. He knew it was wrong..he came clean when he started having feelings for me, but he and I never claimed that what happened was honorable. He does and still feels his marriage is over. But until he's made that perfectly clear to her we can't continue. But that being said, I have no guilt. I don't feel immoral. The only judgment that I care about is my own, my children, and God...and as long as none of those think I'm a lesser person for my actions, my conscience is clean. Edited September 12, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) I slept! Oh how wonderful it was too! My babies crawled into bed with me and I slept like a rock til 9 in the morning. Such a renewed feeling finally this morning! Edited September 12, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy
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