Nikki Sahagin Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 The question is in the title: what do you think of chronically single people of a certain age? (30's onwards). I'm not talking about people who've never had a relationship, but people who are predominantly single throughout their life's and end up single 'in the end.' I was racking my brain for my thoughts/stereotypes and these were what I came up with. If anyone wants me to elaborate on any I will: * Mad old cat lady * Bachelor * Free spirit * Sexual deviant (paedophile, abuse victim etc.) * Loner * Committmentphobe * Emotional issues * Victim of bad circumstances/luck in their romantic life * Career driven I was wondering this, because at this point in my life, there is no man I would want to be in a relationship. I'm only 21 so of course that could change at any time, but in my head i've made peace with the idea of being single forever, in case that is my reality. I'd rather that than force myself into a relationship I would not want. There is still a stigma about this socially though; what do you think of people that end up single or choose to be single? Be as honest as possible!
Miko Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I think I'm in that boat. A combination of Free spirit, Shyness, Career Driven and baggage from past relationships. I'm 29 and working my way around those things. I think the being a free spirit and also somewhat shy is the bulk of it. It can be tough to dig yourself out, especially when many your friends haven't seen you in a real relationship so they're reluctant to hook you up with their friends. Sometimes it can be tough to answer the 'so howcome you don't have a girlfriend' question. Got that one last week.
Dazzel Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 I know this is entirely false, but I sometimes I think of them as having a mental disorder. Perhaps Asperger's syndrome or something else. MOST people do want a relationship or at least sex. But I've noticed those with these conditions fail to get them due to their attitude or have zero interest in both sex and relationships. No one be offended. This is just how I perceive some of them. This is also based on a previous relationship I have had with someone with AS. I researched the condition a LOT when I was with him.
Stung Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 I don't know--who determines when 'the end' is supposed to be? Honestly I often think it's ridiculous when people get married as young as they tend to, in their early 20s, etc. I imagine being yoked to my early-20s boyfriends and I shudder in horror. I'm relatively newly married, mid-30s. Many of my contemporaries are married, some are divorced, some have never married/partnered. Many of them are happy about their choices, whatever their choices, some want things to be different. I don't particularly think about it too much one way or another, different strokes for different folks--unless I know the person specifically is unhappy for some reason, then I want to talk to them about it and be supportive.
denise_xo Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 While I'm not single now, I have spent more of my life single than in a relationship and I suspect I probably will end up 'single in the end', based on a combination of free spirit/ career driven/ loner/ emotional issues. While it can be lonely at times to be single, I feel fairly comfortable with that prospect. I still have a zillion projects and things I want to do in life and it is extremely rare that I feel bored when I'm alone.
AD1980 Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 Im 30 never been in a relationship.. Combo of shyness im not attractive so women arent attracted to me which could kinda be a problem in trying to find a relationship..
skydiveaddict Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 (edited) The question is in the title: what do you think of chronically single people of a certain age? (30's onwards). I'm not talking about people who've never had a relationship, but people who are predominantly single throughout their life's and end up single 'in the end.' I was racking my brain for my thoughts/stereotypes and these were what I came up with. If anyone wants me to elaborate on any I will: * Mad old cat lady * Bachelor * Free spirit * Sexual deviant (paedophile, abuse victim etc.) * Loner * Committmentphobe * Emotional issues * Victim of bad circumstances/luck in their romantic life * Career driven I was wondering this, because at this point in my life, there is no man I would want to be in a relationship. I'm only 21 so of course that could change at any time, but in my head i've made peace with the idea of being single forever, in case that is my reality. I'd rather that than force myself into a relationship I would not want. There is still a stigma about this socially though; what do you think of people that end up single or choose to be single? Be as honest as possible! I think your premise is wrong. Believe me you won't like the idea of being alone for very long. You're right about the stigma though, it certainly exists. I think having your heart smashed repeated times brings on a defense mechanism which is hard to manage. So, (at least for me), you may begin to embrace high risk behaviors to fill that emptiness. Which also turns women off. Also, being in the military can make it difficult. I can't really answer your question, I just don't know for sure. But I can tell you that being alone sucks Edited September 14, 2010 by skydiveaddict
alphamale Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 what do you think of people that end up single or choose to be single? Be as honest as possible! i think they are weird
Cee Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Most everyone will experience periods of being single. It's not strange at all. My mom became a widow at a young and has been single 20 years. I'm 40 and single for a long time. I havent been celibate and I have a great social life and go out 4 nights a week. I'm ready for a boyfriend, but its tough. A lot of men want families and pass on me because I don't want to. Or maybe I'm not hot or interesting enough. I get frustrated but my life is interesting. I travel whenever I want, do artistic things, and go dancing all night. I have a lot of energy and have been told I look 30. I have had some lovers who have been younger and when they seek mates their age, we stay friendly. I don't if single sex is better, but I am careful about std's. I have experimented quite a bit and didn't learn what I really like until I was 35. I used to be so vanilla before. And its great because I am able to come more easily and frequently. With so many more methods. I wanted to give you my experience. If you think it sounds horrible, then find yourself a mate. But that person may divorce you or die on you. Nothng lasts forever. if I am like my dad and get cancer young, I may only have 10 years to live. And I am not wasting my time with regrets. Single or coupled, live a good life. Carpe diem.
threebyfate Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I'm a firm believer that people are where they either want to be or where they've put themselves. Apply this to single people.
somedude81 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 I'm a firm believer that people are where they either want to be or where they've put themselves. Apply this to single people. Couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not sure about the women, but the vast majority of guys would not be single if they had a choice. I wonder if anybody in my extended family, aunts uncles, cousins etc has thought about why I've always been single and have never brought a girl with me to family events. I'm 29 and all my cousins 20 and over are all married with children or have had a long term girlfriend/boyfriend. Interestingly enough, the only other person my age in my family who has always been single as well, is my 25 year old brother. I guess our parents messed us both up pretty good...
crfsti Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not sure about the women, but the vast majority of guys would not be single if they had a choice. I wonder if anybody in my extended family, aunts uncles, cousins etc has thought about why I've always been single and have never brought a girl with me to family events. I'm 29 and all my cousins 20 and over are all married with children or have had a long term girlfriend/boyfriend. Interestingly enough, the only other person my age in my family who has always been single as well, is my 25 year old brother. I guess our parents messed us both up pretty good... That's funny you say that about your family, mine gives me crap about being single all the time. I'm 27 and haven't had much luck with the ladies yet. A bunch of my family members have even gone as far as pulling me a side, and asking me if I'm gay.....
bob_333 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 I've been in and out of relationships all my life - I'm 45. I used to be shy, but not now, I'm very popular, lots of friends and always out at the weekend. Work hard play hard. I like my own company, but also like the company of a woman (just not 24/7) - so most girlfriends have been weekend girlfriends. I find a big heavy 24/7 relationship stifling, I lose my independence, my ability to go where I want when I want to. But it can be a dilema, right now I have just broken up with a woman I should have married, but my independant streak got in the way, and she has left feeling rejected. I'm heart broken. Maybe its true - you know when the right one comes along.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 I think your premise is wrong. Believe me you won't like the idea of being alone for very long. You're right about the stigma though, it certainly exists. I think having your heart smashed repeated times brings on a defense mechanism which is hard to manage. So, (at least for me), you may begin to embrace high risk behaviors to fill that emptiness. Which also turns women off. Also, being in the military can make it difficult. I can't really answer your question, I just don't know for sure. But I can tell you that being alone sucks Maybe my premise is wrong but i'm naturally a very guarded, suspicious person and i'm also very picky. I never really get feelings for men, there are few exceptions. I'm just preparing for the possibility that I may end up single in the end and making peace with that. I quite enjoy my own company. Of course i'd love my ideal man to come into my life and me into his, but if that doesn't happen, I want to be happy alone, not regretful or depressed.
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted September 16, 2010 Author Posted September 16, 2010 i think they are weird Why so? Do you think there is a difference between those that choose to be single and those that end up single through circumstance/bad luck?
bob_333 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Maybe us long term single people are too closed up, and miss the opportunity when it comes along. Saying that I love a bit of space to myself, and to make independent decisions, after all thats what were born into the world to do ... heavy relationships take some of that from you. 1
Angel1111 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 (edited) But it can be a dilema, right now I have just broken up with a woman I should have married, but my independant streak got in the way, and she has left feeling rejected. I'm heart broken. Maybe its true - you know when the right one comes along. Maybe you and this woman can work things out in the sense that you maintain your freedom if the two of you marry. Have you ever discussed this with her? I've never understood why people can't give each other their freedom. I've never been with a guy who could give me that. It's a death-sentence and I let them know that. I guess they preferred to try and control me and lose me, than to give me my freedom and keep me around. Tough choice, I suppose... Edited September 16, 2010 by Angel1111
bob_333 Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Isn't there a saying "without freedom there cannot be love". Sadly we've broken up. She was hard work, always paranoid and had very little trust, such a shame as I truly loved her and she should have trusted me no matter who I was with, I loved her. Looking back she destroyed our relationship through her possessiveness, she caused arguments and upset, if she'd just been more relaxed about things I'm sure they would have worked out.. I know I can be a little independent during the week, but I just find it difficult when someone wants to live in my pocket all the time, you need a little time away from each other to enjoy each others company when you do see them, or am I wrong.
threebyfate Posted September 16, 2010 Posted September 16, 2010 Couldn't be further from the truth. I'm not sure about the women, but the vast majority of guys would not be single if they had a choice. I wonder if anybody in my extended family, aunts uncles, cousins etc has thought about why I've always been single and have never brought a girl with me to family events. I'm 29 and all my cousins 20 and over are all married with children or have had a long term girlfriend/boyfriend. Interestingly enough, the only other person my age in my family who has always been single as well, is my 25 year old brother. I guess our parents messed us both up pretty good...How many women have you asked out on a "real date" over the past year?
somedude81 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 How many women have you asked out on a "real date" over the past year? Honestly, it's only been two. For me, asking out a girl is very difficult. I want to feel a connection before I ask somebody out, but I'm afraid of losing that connection that's been established if she rejects me. There's also the whole part of each rejection being a blow to my ego. There are currently three girls I see at least twice a week that I want to ask out. Each time I don't do it, I'm disappointed in myself.
threebyfate Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Honestly, it's only been two. For me, asking out a girl is very difficult. I want to feel a connection before I ask somebody out, but I'm afraid of losing that connection that's been established if she rejects me. There's also the whole part of each rejection being a blow to my ego. There are currently three girls I see at least twice a week that I want to ask out. Each time I don't do it, I'm disappointed in myself.This is cliche advice but in trying to establish that connection prior to dating, sometimes opportunities get lost. That's what dating is about, trying to figure out if a connection is possible. I'm not saying that your way is impossible. It's just way more difficult since more often than not, you're going to get friendzoned or be considered a bit of a flirt/tease and discounted, even if you make your interest known but don't act on it. To turn this back around to the opening topic, you really can't say that you're not where you put yourself. You do have options and potential opportunities. You're just not taking advantage of your opportunities due to assorted reasons of which one is rejection.
Angel1111 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 (edited) Isn't there a saying "without freedom there cannot be love". Sadly we've broken up. She was hard work, always paranoid and had very little trust, such a shame as I truly loved her and she should have trusted me no matter who I was with, I loved her. Looking back she destroyed our relationship through her possessiveness, she caused arguments and upset, if she'd just been more relaxed about things I'm sure they would have worked out.. I know I can be a little independent during the week, but I just find it difficult when someone wants to live in my pocket all the time, you need a little time away from each other to enjoy each others company when you do see them, or am I wrong. I agree, to a point. I don't think a relationship can survive on just weekend visits but I fully agree that each person should have interests outside their significant other, if that's what you're saying. There should be spontenaety where one or the other can do something spur of the moment without getting a lecture about it, or feel like they have to ask permission. A couple doesn't have to act like they're joined at the hip to be close and loving and happy. As you say, you enjoy one another more when you are together and you have something fresh and new to share. Without that infusion of newness and freedom, a relationship will stagnate and become suffocating really quick. Funny, my 20-yr-old son and his gf totally get this concept. I always tell them what a rare thing they have. This is one of the main things that destroyed my marriages - possessive and controlling men. One of my exes, to this day, is still baffled as to why I left him (and still talks about it 17 yrs later) - even though we talked about it numerous times, in length. Another guy that I dated for over a yr became very offended when I said that I needed one weekend a month to myself. As a single mom, I needed some serious down time. But this suddenly turned into, 'I don't think you love me the way I love you,' nonsense. This was a relationship where we had such passion between us it was incredible - up against the wall kind of stuff at times. How he could say that I didn't love him totally threw me. After he sulked for 2 wks, I broke up with him. When people say that someone is trying to break up with you when they ask for space, it isn't always true. I loved him like crazy - but I needed to breath to get my inner balance. He just didn't get it. You'd think I had asked for the moon. As far as your situation is concerned, paranoia and possesiveness just don't work and you can't be with someone like that. I guess when a person doesn't feel a need for personal space, they just don't understand it when someone not only wants it, but REQUIRES it. I told my son's dad once that trying to control me is equivalent to holding a pillow over my face. I will do anything to get away. If more people understood the signifcance of that analogy, they'd know that people who need time to themselves aren't lacking in an ability to love, they just need space almost as much as they need to breathe. I'm sorry about your break-up, though. No matter what the reasons it ended, I know it still hurts like crazy. Edited September 17, 2010 by Angel1111
skydiveaddict Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 i'm naturally a very guarded, suspicious person and i'm also very picky. Me also .......
Angel1111 Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 Me also ....... It's not a bad way to be....particularly the 'picky' part.
skydiveaddict Posted September 17, 2010 Posted September 17, 2010 It's not a bad way to be....particularly the 'picky' part. no I agree, but remember , being picky can leave you lonely as well. And believe me, being alone can be a difficult thing to deal with as well.
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