sapphirebolt Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I know it's a long post but do read. I need some advice desperately. This needs some background. I had just started a business in my country (after having worked for 8 years in three different jobs) when I met 'P' on a dating website. He was in the US, a scientist (same nationality, though) He was 33; I, 32. We chatted online and spoke on the phone for 3 months, sometimes for 15 hours on stretch. And then he announced he is coming to meet me. He did and we had a great time. Talked a lot, had sex - a first for both of us. He was my kind of man - intense, introvert, intelligent. Though he didn't seem very comfortable around people and generally everybody thought that he didn't talk much but he was fabulous with me and thats what mattered. We were together for 10 days and we were sure that 'this is it'. We got married after two months of his visit. Before I met P, certain events over a course of time, some with me some with close friends of mine, had made me realize that men can be very deceptive. That few really care about you or love you, that what really matters is sex and sometimes just that. I may be wrong but I seriously believed so. Thus kept away from dating. Don't get me wrong, I'm a gorgeous looking girl, national beauty pageant winner and all that (oh, the stuff you do in your teens). Nevertheless, I have always been scared of relationships. Maybe it has got to do something with my upbringing. My brother was the hero of the family. Nobody really mattered around him, my parents were crazy about him. I don't know. The possibility that someone may fall out of love with you is scary, in my case scary enough to keep relationships at bay. And if ever I was told/hinted that I'm not loved, I would react defensively. Like, 'You are right, we have not shared the same intensity for days now. Time to call it quits.' While all this while I'm dying inside and would probably hurt for months. It's such a bolt to one's ego, self respect. P changed all that. He was the perfect guy, unconditionally loving, caring. Lets just say I had never been cared for or loved like this. I left my business, sold my house, invested the money and moved with P to the US. P is not a US citizen thus I cant work here as I'm on spouse visa and hence I'm homebound most of the times. I cook, clean the house, do the laundry etc. I can't drive, never have, not that I haven't tried, just don't like to. I had a chauffeur back home. P drives me around for shopping, buying grocery etc. He doesn't have many friends. He says his life has become complicated. Earlier it was work, dinner, sleep, work. There is too much happening now. My life couldn't be more boring. We go out for dinner when I say we should. We have sex when I initiate it, mostly at least. I can always sense that he wants to make love but won't say it. It's almost like he is scared he will be turned down. And I have never turned him down. We have spoken about this but like I said, he doesn't say much. Money has been an issue. Not like there isn't enough, there is. But he doesn't like to spend. I, on the other hand, have always been independent. Am not extravagant, but if we don't have a food processor, we need one alright. The problem is I'm not earning and so we often get into an argument vis-a-vis money and budgeting. I can see that we are drifting apart and we haven't been married one year. I always knew we are two different people but we loved each other and 'opposites attract', right? There are days when everything seems fine, when its like the first few months and then its back to feeling depressed, trapped, unloved. For instance it's 5 AM Saturday morning, he is sleeping in the other room. Before he went to sleep, I asked him why didn't he speak during dinner. Not a word! He said he needs more space, that he feels like this even when his mom visits, that he has always lived alone and feels cloistered sometimes. He was in office the entire day, after he came back he was in the basement and I was cooking upstairs. And if he still needs space, I don't really know what should I do. I said I want to go back to 'my country' for sometime. Let's stay away from one another and see how it goes. He said he will miss holding me, having sex with me. When I asked if he will miss 'me'? He said he didn't know. I said, 'Thats sad. Why be together? We need time away.' And walked out. He slept after that. Are the first few years of marriage tough on many couples? Or is this definitely a doomed marriage? What do you think?
finding_serenity Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 i met my H on a dating website too.hes charming,warm, loving when we met in person.kinda like your story,except hes divorced and have kids.its not the main deal but his attitude and vices.i'd say if i could turn back time i would never have married him but we have a baby now and my baby is my life.if i have given it more time to know him better,i wouldnt have made a mistake.if youre not really happy and tried everything but didnt work,time to ditch out before you have a baby that will complicate things.
You Go Girl Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I think part of the problem may lie with you, and it's not your fault, it is just the way things have happened, that you can't work. Do you have other things to do besides shop, clean, cook? You need to get heavily involved in something. Even volunteer work. Just something! Your whole daily world revolves around when he comes home from work, and the conversation that ensues. That's a lot of pressure on him. Now he may have a problem adjusting to living with someone, which only compounds the matter. If you had something that was consuming a great deal of your thoughts each day, you just might be a little worn out too by the end of the workday, and you too might like to relax and disengage, instead of waiting for him to come home and start engaging with you. Take a visit to your home country, but come back with a plan of action. Study volunteer activities in your area until you find one you can believe in enough to be heavily invested. You might also consider some hobby that is time/mind consuming, or taking classes. The pressure should come off him to be your sole human interaction all day. It's tough enough on a person without adjustment issues to living with someone, for him it is double the pressure.
LittleTiger Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 It's possible that you rushed into this marriage before you knew your husband well enough, but if you felt it was the right thing to do then that's what is important. When my husband moved in with me I found it quite difficult adjusting. I had been living on my own for a while, I liked my own space and he was the first person (besides my family) that I had lived with so intimately. We argued a lot to start with because I felt he was 'in my face' a lot and believe me my ex is just not an 'in your face' type of person. It was all my perception and my difficulty coping with the adjustment. Everything settled down after a while once I got used to the new lifestyle. So I agree with YGG. I think your husband is struggling to cope with the rather sudden loss of his own space and, on top of that, you are dependant on him for all your human interaction. So you may come across as needy when what he wants is a bit of peace at the end of a hard day. If you find yourself something sociable and productive to do outside the home, maybe even learn to drive (even if you don't like it, it will give you some independence), you may find that your relationship improves because he feels under less pressure to be your sole 'entertainment' every day. It wouldn't hurt trying MC either, if you can get him to agree, as he obviously struggles to communicate, or maybe even understand, his own feelings in all this. Sometimes a third party can help.
Author sapphirebolt Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 @finding_serenity: yeah, you are right. A child at this time would be a disaster. I guess we are so conditioned to believe that 'companionship' is the ultimate answer to all problems and that it will make us eternally happy, that we jump into it at the very first instance without giving it much thought. You Go Girl, LittleTiger: Thanks for your advice. Its not easy starting all over again. I was at a fairly senior position workwise when I left everything for this man. I have decided to go back. I'm booking my flight for next week. I can't live someone else's life especially when it's making no one happy. Thanks again.
You Go Girl Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 @finding_serenity: yeah, you are right. A child at this time would be a disaster. I guess we are so conditioned to believe that 'companionship' is the ultimate answer to all problems and that it will make us eternally happy, that we jump into it at the very first instance without giving it much thought. You Go Girl, LittleTiger: Thanks for your advice. Its not easy starting all over again. I was at a fairly senior position workwise when I left everything for this man. I have decided to go back. I'm booking my flight for next week. I can't live someone else's life especially when it's making no one happy. Thanks again. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out to make you both happy...do you have any thoughts on how the two of you might work it out in the future? Have you spoken to him about going back? It all seems so sudden, and, well, rather sad to give up on the love.
LittleTiger Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 I'm sorry it hasn't worked out to make you both happy...do you have any thoughts on how the two of you might work it out in the future? Have you spoken to him about going back? It all seems so sudden, and, well, rather sad to give up on the love. Yes, that is very sad, I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe if you keep the lines of communication open once you're back home, you can talk about possibly reuniting in the future.
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