I Am Haunted By Memories

[The-Zen-Warrior]

This might to some sound very nut's or odd, but maybe to some this might be normal, I don't know. I have now been officially divorced for slightly over 2 years. I have enjoyed having a life now that it all my own. I have enjoyed having my own place, my own ways of doing things, my own domestic schedule, basically you can say that I have enjoyed the freedom that has come out of my divorce. But strange thoughts and powerful memories from the day's of my marriage have been hitting me hard these past couple months.

 

It's crazy but I will give you an example, last night while turning things off in my living room and preparing for bed, the radio was on and set to a lite station. There was a song being played titled "faith of the heart" the theme song to the old tv show Enterprise. My ex-wife and I chose this song to be played at our 10th anniversary back in 2005, when we re-newed our vow's. I stood there and could not move, I wanted to turn the radio off but couldn't, it's as if my body froze up and my mind drifted back to 2005 and I was flooded with memories of that day!

 

During my momentary laps I could remember her smell, her pretty face, the gorgeous dress she wore, ect. ect. ect. it was as if I was stuck in time, all because my stereo was playing our old song. After I "snapped out of it" I turned off the radio, stood there in my living room looking around through the darkness thinking "I sure miss her companionship"! Now this thought might be normal, but it's kicking my butt. This was only one example out of many that within recent months has popped up and bit me.

 

Now I do miss the companionship of a wife, but I really don't miss my ex-wife as a person, I don't know if I'm making any sense here. I know that us being together can never happen again, I know this, plus she was the one that wanted out. Also the way our relationship ended left a very bitter taste in my mouth! I'm not going to be to graphic here, plus I don't really like "trash talking" on people when they are not present to defend themselves. But I feel it safe to say this, my ex-wife found another person, started to have relations with this person, all the while being married to me. So in short, "she cheated"!

 

My ex-wife virtually left me laying on the ground in a puddle of my own broken heartedness. Trust was broken, my heart was broken and she left my bank account very broken as well. I can never trust her again as far as having a relationship. But why am I flooded with her memory? Why at times do I really miss her, at least the companionship part of her? Why do I walk around my house sometimes and find something that sparks up memories of her? I'm very confused here! For the most part I'm very happy living alone and living without her, I enjoy my freedom and I enjoy the fact that I no longer have to worry about a mate finding another mate, all the while supposedly being my mate.

 

Are the memories I'm having and this whole "stuck in time" thing for a couple minutes normal? I thought that I was all over this, I thought these thoughts had ended about 6-9 months after the divorce. Why now, more than a year later would they be coming back?

 

Some insight by others would be very helpful.......

 

 

"Thank you for your time"...

[Fouts]

Until you meet someone new and special, you'll remember the good times past more frequently. I wouldn't place any special emphasis on it, let it bring a smile to your face. When you meet someone new and fall in love, those memories will fade and new ones will replace them.

[habs53]

Thats a very sad story. You spend a good part of your life with her. Its like grieving death, parts of her and your marriage will last forever.

 

There should be a law against cheating, marriage is the only contract that can be broken without legal justifications.

[You Go Girl]

When you love someone, there is an imprint of that person left on part of your brain. You can't consciously erase it, it would take a lobotomy.

There is NEVER getting over a person entirely. That imprint is there for life.

You will love again, but you will never forget the love you had for her, or others.

What role does love play on memory? It's very interesting to note the ways in which our brain is imprinted with the memory of another, even if they are long gone from our life.

Music seems to be one of the strongest triggers there is. Nobody understands the effect of music on the brain, but we sure know that music is something everybody enjoys. One of the few things actually.

So how can we deal consciously with these triggers that bring the emotions back as if it were yesterday?

I'm trying to learn the answer to this very question. I'm trying the approach of taking a deep breath, remembering quickly the memory, and then just as quickly consciously averting my thoughts to something else.

 

I suppose you could try making love to another woman with that song playing in the background over and over again, until the new memory of a different woman associates with that song. But even then, I don't believe it would work. The initial imprint on the brain is too strong, the first imprint seems to over-ride the impact of the subsequent imprints.

[heartbrokensj]

When you love someone, there is an imprint of that person left on part of your brain. You can't consciously erase it, it would take a lobotomy.

There is NEVER getting over a person entirely. That imprint is there for life.

You will love again, but you will never forget the love you had for her, or others.

What role does love play on memory? It's very interesting to note the ways in which our brain is imprinted with the memory of another, even if they are long gone from our life.

Music seems to be one of the strongest triggers there is. Nobody understands the effect of music on the brain, but we sure know that music is something everybody enjoys. One of the few things actually.

So how can we deal consciously with these triggers that bring the emotions back as if it were yesterday?

I'm trying to learn the answer to this very question. I'm trying the approach of taking a deep breath, remembering quickly the memory, and then just as quickly consciously averting my thoughts to something else.

 

Well said YouGoGirl...music sure does trigger those special memories....cause i went through the same thing last night listening to music. Oh this emotional rollercoaster is something else!

[Steadfast]

An interesting aspect of LS are the similarities we feel, emotionally. I've been considering making a post for weeks along these lines...but have not really been able to come up with the words. So while I can comment, I'm not sure I can add any clarity or provide a solution. I'm still working on it.

 

Like you OP; divorced two years. Glad to be free of the turmoil and the space/time to accomplish things without the pressure or worry of my wife's reaction (which I nicknamed 'The Hammer'). But at times I miss her.

 

I've worked myself past the heartache, gained deeper understanding, I even have someone in my life that truly loves me. I don't want to go back. Yet, this nagging pothole; triggered by a song. A dream, an old photo.

 

Her, coming by to see the kids in her workout clothes. Damn. Don't look!

 

For now I guess, I cope by returning to the same realization over and over. If she loved me, she'd be here. Oh, she says she loves me, misses me, eyes twinkling, but the fact is if she really did...if she really loved me the way a wife is supposed to love a husband, she'd be here. Now, I know this. Now I demand more. I will not accept less and don't show weakness.

 

She said I remind her of the man she met, the man she fell in love with. Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard because I AM that man and always have been. I won't apologize for life's changes because of kids, homes, jobs and...well, age. I again type the words I've used to advise many others here; if she loved you, she'd be there. Period. That's fact.

 

Maybe the mind, like the heart, sometimes jumps up and demands a little attention. Perhaps the feelings we bury can't stay down forever and a song, scent, scene, or even a person is the release valve that lets it out.

 

Reality soon returns however. Thank God. That's the important thing.

[You Go Girl]

 

Reality soon returns however. Thank God. That's the important thing.

 

Ah, this is the key here. The Nietzshe line about looking too long into the abyss...."And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you"

Insanity can result from not living in the present; words we should all heed.

[2sunny]

it has to do with your assigned meaning. the meaning you assigned to that song - and what it represents to YOU. thus, bring back even things to your senses such as smell, the dress worn etc...

 

some things may always trigger your assigned meaning... it's part of who you are and your experiences and perception. be glad you have good memories - and can remember them at this juncture.

[heartbrokensj]

An interesting aspect of LS are the similarities we feel, emotionally. I've been considering making a post for weeks along these lines...but have not really been able to come up with the words.

I've worked myself past the heartache, gained deeper understanding, I even have someone in my life that truly loves me. I don't want to go back. Yet, this nagging pothole; triggered by a song. A dream, an old photo.

 

For now I guess, I cope by returning to the same realization over and over. If she loved me, she'd be here. Oh, she says she loves me, misses me, eyes twinkling, but the fact is if she really did...if she really loved me the way a wife is supposed to love a husband, she'd be here. Now, I know this. Now I demand more. I will not accept less and don't show weakness.

 

She said I remind her of the man she met, the man she fell in love with. Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard because I AM that man and always have been. I won't apologize for life's changes because of kids, homes, jobs and...well, age. I again type the words I've used to advise many others here; if she loved you, she'd be there. Period. That's fact.

 

Maybe the mind, like the heart, sometimes jumps up and demands a little attention. Perhaps the feelings we bury can't stay down forever and a song, scent, scene, or even a person is the release valve that lets it out.

 

Reality soon returns however. Thank God. That's the important thing.

 

 

Steadfast, your words and explanation of all that we go through emotionally described and summed it up perfectly. I like how you come to terms with it by saying to yourself and to us on here which gives us great perspective on our situations...that if he or she loved us enough and wanted our marriages to work past the difficulties, there would be here with us.-that line in of itself is the key to healing past all this turmoil and heartached packed into these wonderful memories that coming flooding back at the most unexpected times.

[nobmagnet]

hi,

 

good thread. it was a year yeaterday. i am so happy, i have a new home, new job, kids happy and if i may say a really sweet chap thats casual. but my god ive had nightmares over tha past few weeks. woken up crying as if it had just happened. Screwed my whole day up with the resedue of the reality.

 

Thought i was going mad. eveindently im am but im not alone!!!!!!!!!!!:bunny:

 

i cant see any reason i dont miss him. The only explanation I have is that my daughter said he was marrying her (ow) i dreampt they took my kids away. She laughed at me for being a failure. Nasty. But not true. the subconsious can be cruel, music and smells trigger memories good and bad. stick to music that doesnt shock:laugh: i recommend queen darlings or maybe scissor sisters :love:

 

nobby xx

[2.50 a gallon]

Triggers can come in many forms: Locations, events, holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, food and even meeting a long lost friend.

 

With the passage of time, most of these triggers will slowly fade away. You can take a proactive approach and claim some of them as your own territory. For example I was able to reclaim a trigger restaurant and food, by repeatedly take a date and ordering the trigger food.

 

I especially knew that is was important to reclaim the holidays. A happy time that most women want to celebrate. My thoughts were that a lady would find a happy man celebrating the holidays more attractive than a sullen "Bah humbug" man. My first move was to throw out the old ornaments and lights and get my own. I started a new tradition by baking pattern cookies and sharing them with my friends, neighbors and co-workers.

 

Fifteen years later this paid off in aces. I had finally found that someone special whom I knew I could trust with my love. The problem was, she too had been hurt and was afraid to get too deeply involved. She was still unsure when the holidays came around. My decorating, baking cookies and getting into the spirit of the holidays brought her down off of the fence.

 

We've been together in a very loving relationship for coming up on 15 years. Christmas has long been special time for us. We go all out.

[What_Next]

Wow, timely thread. I am sure I am about to go through all of these emotions and feelings. I am set to move into my own place in 3 weeks. I have been very lucky in that I've already found someone, but it's far from serious.

 

In a manner of speaking it is part of the process I suppose.

 

Good luck.

[2.50 a gallon]

As I said in my last post, I had long ago reclaimed the holidays and was a good dozen years into a fantastic relationship. I hadn't thought of my XW in years, when just before Chirstmas I was driving by the apartment complex where I had met and spent two Christmas's with my ex. I had driven by the complex at least a hundred times without a reaction. But on this day, the oldies radio station began playing a song that was titled with the XW's first name, just as my eye caught the front door to our old apartment.

 

In a flash she was with me in the car, I was transported back in time 25 years, as memories of our first Christmas, young love, the following despair flooded over me. I was so distracted I had to pull over and stop. Within a minute I was able to drive again, but try as I might, I couldn't totally shake off the feeling of being in the pit again for a good half hour. Thankfully, the same radio station played "You Make Lovin Fun" by Fleetwood Mac, and I was mercifully returned back into the present.

 

As YGG says, there is an imprint left on your brain, and one never knows when this will be triggered, even a quarter of a century later.

 

It is something we just have to live with

[chained200]

This might to some sound very nut's or odd, but maybe to some this might be normal, I don't know. I have now been officially divorced for slightly over 2 years. I have enjoyed having a life now that it all my own. I have enjoyed having my own place, my own ways of doing things, my own domestic schedule, basically you can say that I have enjoyed the freedom that has come out of my divorce. But strange thoughts and powerful memories from the day's of my marriage have been hitting me hard these past couple months.

 

It's crazy but I will give you an example, last night while turning things off in my living room and preparing for bed, the radio was on and set to a lite station. There was a song being played titled "faith of the heart" the theme song to the old tv show Enterprise. My ex-wife and I chose this song to be played at our 10th anniversary back in 2005, when we re-newed our vow's. I stood there and could not move, I wanted to turn the radio off but couldn't, it's as if my body froze up and my mind drifted back to 2005 and I was flooded with memories of that day!

 

During my momentary laps I could remember her smell, her pretty face, the gorgeous dress she wore, ect. ect. ect. it was as if I was stuck in time, all because my stereo was playing our old song. After I "snapped out of it" I turned off the radio, stood there in my living room looking around through the darkness thinking "I sure miss her companionship"! Now this thought might be normal, but it's kicking my butt. This was only one example out of many that within recent months has popped up and bit me.

 

Now I do miss the companionship of a wife, but I really don't miss my ex-wife as a person, I don't know if I'm making any sense here. I know that us being together can never happen again, I know this, plus she was the one that wanted out. Also the way our relationship ended left a very bitter taste in my mouth! I'm not going to be to graphic here, plus I don't really like "trash talking" on people when they are not present to defend themselves. But I feel it safe to say this, my ex-wife found another person, started to have relations with this person, all the while being married to me. So in short, "she cheated"!

 

My ex-wife virtually left me laying on the ground in a puddle of my own broken heartedness. Trust was broken, my heart was broken and she left my bank account very broken as well. I can never trust her again as far as having a relationship. But why am I flooded with her memory? Why at times do I really miss her, at least the companionship part of her? Why do I walk around my house sometimes and find something that sparks up memories of her? I'm very confused here! For the most part I'm very happy living alone and living without her, I enjoy my freedom and I enjoy the fact that I no longer have to worry about a mate finding another mate, all the while supposedly being my mate.

 

Are the memories I'm having and this whole "stuck in time" thing for a couple minutes normal? I thought that I was all over this, I thought these thoughts had ended about 6-9 months after the divorce. Why now, more than a year later would they be coming back?

 

Some insight by others would be very helpful.......

 

 

"Thank you for your time"...

 

I'm in a similar situation. I'm still married to my wife who cheated on me 3 years ago and I haven't told her the resentment that i've been feeling. I hope you feel better.

[You Go Girl]

 

In a flash she was with me in the car, I was transported back in time 25 years, as memories of our first Christmas, young love, the following despair flooded over me. I was so distracted I had to pull over and stop. Within a minute I was able to drive again, but try as I might, I couldn't totally shake off the feeling of being in the pit again for a good half hour.

 

The above underlined sent shivers down my spine.

 

Sometimes I feel as if I am carrying around all this stuff ALL THE TIME. That's when it is the worst. Two failed marriages and all the baggage that goes with them.

That is one good reason it is certainly a healthy thing to move on and create new memories, and connect with new people.

You're cookie making is an excellent manuever to making holidays better in the future with new things to appreciate. The way to outsmart the brain! Create new great memories!

[2.50 a gallon]

Christmas was especially important for me to reclaim

 

My XW and I had met 6 months earlier before our first Christmas and she had pursued me from day one, but being in my 30's, with a black book full of numbers of FWB's, I had little interest in a 20 year old, no matter how good looking she was.

 

When Christmas came around, her mother who was struggling as a newly single parent with 4 teenage kids did not have the extra funds to replace the decorations she had left behind when she left her alcoholic husband.

 

When the future XW found out that I was going to decorate the tree that night she asked if she might come over and help and knowing that her mom did not have a lot to decorate with I said OK.

 

Shortly after she arrived at my place she disappeared into another room and came out wearing this black lingerie outfit, complete with high heels and fish net stockings. The English have a term "gobsmacked" that I really don't understand, but I am sure I was "gobsmacked" when she made her appearance. Two years later we were married over the Christmas holidays.

 

The holidays are an especially hard time for those who are living alone, and in my case it was doubly so, as on what should have been my one year anniversary my mind was full of wondering if she was doing the same thing with another man.

 

The cookies were a lucky accident, I baked them just to have something to do that was positive and then carefully decorated them in great detail until they were almost works of art. I had just moved into a large singles apartment complex and was still just getting to know my neighbors, and when I shared them with my new neighbors and my co-workers I was an instant hit. The end result was that I had several more cookie baking nights, and this time I had help. And when the next Chrismas rolled around I had lady friends giving me new cookie cutters and offering to help. Need I say more.

 

Guys give it a shot. A lady friend later confided the next morning that the cookie baking brought out the little boy in me. Something she and I guess other ladies found appealing.

Edited September 12, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[Gunny376]

Once you've danced with the Devil YOU don't change HIM?

 

HE CHANGES YOU!

 

What was? Was!

 

What is? Is!

 

And what will be? Will be!

 

Quit worrying about the past and the future. You've no control over it. Live instead in the moment and take life one day at a time.

 

Work on becoming the "best you" that you can become ~ work on yourself in becoming the best person that you can become.

 

Identify your weaknesses and seek to not only overcome them, but to conqueour them. On a day-by-day basis. On a daily basis.

 

Wake up each morning with the attitude of "This is the FIRST day of the rest of my life!

 

Trust me!

 

There are many a war veterans that are coming home to THAT very reality.

[dqmommy]

Wow. This is a scary post. I haven't experienced any of this yet, but I'm sure it's to come.....probably soon.

 

Then again...NOTHING about my divorce has been textbook....nothing at all..... is there any chance I can escape all these sad feelings ??? just kidding ~ i know that's not going to happen and I also know that it's part of me growing as a person.

 

Hang in there. I hope that your days are getting better.

[9Lives]

im not married but I know how it feels to be haunted by memories. Especially the memories of your ex being with someone else or whatever the case may be. I woke up and started crying so I came to LS and found the very issue here so sorry Im not married but I can relate.

 

Im going to take the advice of someone on here and create memories in those trigger moments. Like my late night "ghost memory" times. I dont have time to be losing sleep over someone who doesnt even care about me properly. It not right. Im working this thing out.

[You Go Girl]

Once you've danced with the Devil YOU don't change HIM?

 

HE CHANGES YOU!

 

What was? Was!

 

What is? Is!

 

And what will be? Will be!

.

 

gunny has that wisdom that you know deep inside, and sends shivers down your spine.

There's no reclaiming innocence, so push ahead. It ain't coming back folks, it's gone, and there's no sense in crying over spilt milk.

[John991]

It is normal to feel like this. You spend a considerable amount of time with this person so it is only natural that you are going to think about them.

 

Although this woman broke your heart and treated you like crap there was a time when you loved her and you both share special times.

 

Until you meet someone else you are bound to feel like this. Don't beat yourself up about it. The feelings will go in time.