Reaching out

[Not the love ace]

I've been feeling a bit sad and unimportant in someways. I feel that I am always reaching out to most my friends and usually invite them out places, ask to hang out and just generally keep up with them through simple text, IM's, E-mails etc. I don't ask for much or anything at all-all I want is for some of my friends to just keep in touch with me on a regular basis so we don't lose contact with each other.

 

Most these people aren't acquaintances, they are people whom I generally get along with and talk and see on a regular basis but I usually am never invited to hangout unless I keep up with them. Sometimes I feel like if I don't call or keep in contact with them, they won't invite me anywhere. I don't want to sound like I'm desperate because I don't act needy or clingy with them at all and I don't act like I need their friendship and I never bug them.

 

I know this and they know this and most of them seem to like my company genuinely but I just get confused because like I said, if I don't contact them-they won't contact me. I get told that I'm a great friend, some say I'm one of their best friends and that they love me, etc etc. However, it's like I have to always make an effort to keep my friends. I get scared because I am getting older and I don't want to go through life without a consistent social circle. I enjoy hanging out with these people very much but I just feel so out of place sometimes. Sometimes I feel expendable and I feel like I am just a "accessory".

 

Of course I don't really want to bring this up to them because I don't want to make something out of nothing and I know that it'll turn into an argument of "stop being clingy". I really, REALLY don't want to be looked as if I am desperate for their friendship. I hate to act like I need any ones friendship but I must say that I am scared of being alone and I just feel that I will end up alone if I don't be the one to reach out.

 

Ugh, its a tough spot because like I said some of my friends seem to enjoy my company and never have anything bad to say about me but they just never call or keep in contact with me.

 

I'm just the type of guy that likes to keep in touch with the people that matter to me or the people whom company I enjoy and want to continue a relationship with. Is it hard to keep in touch with people?

[Fouts]

There have been quite a few posts and threads on this, so it's not an unusual phenomena. Don't know what to say except that your friend base is probably centered around a couple of other people and your general friend base tend to do what they do, or base their decisions around their decisions not yours.

Edited September 11, 2010 by Fouts

[Not the love ace]

Unfortunately, that's what it's most likely is. It sucks though because as silly as it sounds I sometimes get depressed when hours go by or sometimes a day or two and I get no phone calls or text. The phone calls I probably would get or from my mother who just calls to nag me to get her something from the store on the way back home.

 

It really sucks when my phone or text doesn't ring. It's so pathetic that I even get excited when I hear my phone ring or get a text from a friend. It makes me feel important and like I have some sort of a social life. I don't know if I'll ever understand though. When I'm with my friends, they seem to always get a call or text from other friends and seem so important, wanted, desired and needed.

 

Me, I just never feel like I have a friend who wants to hang with me. I feel that I stick out and memorable enough that people know who I am and usually want me to hang. egh. It's so frustrating. It's like I want to just drop my circle of friends sometimes but I know that I'll be wondering alone.

 

Being alone is just something I'm terrified of doing. I'm so tired of being lonely man.

[Fouts]

Find a new circle of friends? Sometimes the people you call friends, aren't really friends at all, just users. Maybe re-evaluate them a bit.

[Leigh 87]

The truth is, to attract friends and to get people to want to be around you a lot, you have to make them feel that you are a worthwhile person to be around.

 

I am sure there are many things about you that would make people want you in their lives, socially. You may just not be showing people who you really are. Who knows.

 

But as harsh as it sounds, furthering the education, improving your fitness, and being a more interesting, and kind person, are just some of the good qualities that you need to have, for people to want to hang with you and call you.

 

You either need to develop these good attritubes so people want to be around you more, or you need to learn to SHOW people these qualities, if you already do have them.

 

I am trying to make friends, I have just moved, and have no friends here. And to be honest, it looks like a pretty bleak picture. So I have concluded, that I need to just work on my self, and make myself a more worthwhile person.

 

The better I am as a person, the more people will ike being around me. There ARE ' those " people who seam to be able to just go and have a lot of friends.

 

I am new to the whole friends thing. But my parents are both well educated, intelligent, and very nice people; yet, they do not have any people they consider good friends.

 

They socialize and get along well with people, however, they only tell their problems to each other. They are NOT the types of people to tell their :" friends:" their serious worries in life.

 

I would be happy to just have people to hang out with. Maybe you ate expecting too much from people. If youc an hang out with people and the people enjoy your company, I say just make the most of it.

 

And try to put yourself in a situation where you meet more people, and form NEW friendships. Keep initiating contact with the old friends, but just use them, for social stimulation; enjoy their company, but do not depend too much on them emotionally.

 

MY advice is to keep your current friends, so you at least have people to talk to, but to also be ont he lookout and remain HOEPFULL, that you will eventualy find friends who you can rely on and that are really ther for you, and that actually contact you.

 

I am great at talking with people at times. really. But I am not expecting much in terms o0f friends. I am just looking for what YOU have; people to hang out with, for my own entertainment.

 

I do not think it is easy to just go and find friends who you can rely on and tell your problems and worries to.

 

I have ONE friend who is a good friend, and who contacts me and who cares a lot about me.

 

I hope both of us en d up finding some people who are really there for us when we need them. I am sure we will some day.

[Not the love ace]

But as harsh as it sounds, furthering the education, improving your fitness, and being a more interesting, and kind person, are just some of the good qualities that you need to have, for people to want to hang with you and call you.

 

I have a good education, my fitness is really good and I participate in some martial arts and I think I am more interesting or the most interesting of all the people in my social circle. Even they have said it. I can also say I am the kindest and most laid back, understanding guy in the group. I'm not condescending or conceited and I don't judge or point the finger at people real quick. I give everyone a chance and I'm really generous with my time, energy and even material things.

 

Everything else you mentioned, I've done. I really put myself out there. I'm a member of a gym, I go to plenty of social gatherings that garner my interest, I go to clubs, raves, parties and I dance, socialize, talk and have a good time. I just don't get it though because even though plenty of people think I'm a really cool guy, no one ever wants to hang with me or keeps in contact.

 

Then I have those friends or know those people who are selfish, lazy, not so interesting, not so outgoing and yet they make all the friends in the world and everyone wants to hangout with them. I feel like I live in an ass backwards world sometimes.

 

I don't expect a lot from anyone; trust me. All I want though is to have consistent friends and to feel like I matter. However, I never get that feeling. Perhaps is because I'm selfless and I tell my friends all the time not to worry about me and that I can handle myself? I don't know. It seems like maybe I should be "emo" and cry out to my friends and they'll possibly be friends with me because they feel sorry and pity me.

 

Sorry, I don't expect you or anyone to fix my problems and I'm not throwing it on anyones lap. I'm just venting and as we speak I'm depressingly bored out of my mind and it's a GORGEOUS day out but most my friends are busy and the friends whom I am trying to find out if they are busy or not or simply not responding and I doubt they'll hang with me.

 

Yet mr. and/or ms. bland will have all their friends chasing after them, calling them and putting effort into trying to get them to come and hang out.

 

*sigh*

[Leigh 87]

This thread is a little old now, but I hope you come back to read this and respond.

 

I honestly find it bizzar that people who have a lot of good qualities lack people who reach out to them, yet ... ( this will sound harsh), people who are lesser educated, less interesting, less kind, and who do not care about keepingt heir bodies healthy, appear to HAVE a lot of people botheringt o contact them. WHAT gives?

 

ALL I can think of, is that BECAUSE you ARE a good person with a lot of attributes, people may assume you do not NEED them to contact you. Personally, if I had a friend or knew someone who seamed to HAVE a lot going for them, I would be a bit intimitated to contact them, because I would think thast they already HAD too many people contacting them as it is.

 

My theory is that your appear as though you do not NEED your friends to bother that much, or lastly, that your friends do not appreciate what a great guy you are; our friends may not pocess a lot of the qualities you do, and therefore do not recognize a really great person for what they are.

[Not the love ace]

 

ALL I can think of, is that BECAUSE you ARE a good person with a lot of attributes, people may assume you do not NEED them to contact you. Personally, if I had a friend or knew someone who seamed to HAVE a lot going for them, I would be a bit intimitated to contact them, because I would think thast they already HAD too many people contacting them as it is.

 

My theory is that your appear as though you do not NEED your friends to bother that much, or lastly, that your friends do not appreciate what a great guy you are; our friends may not pocess a lot of the qualities you do, and therefore do not recognize a really great person for what they are.

 

You know, after reading this I think you're right and may be on point. My friends know me as a person that never relies on anyone else assistance (emotionally and other ways) and as a very independent person. I'm not the type of guy who cries to them about everything or tells them all my problems. Whatever issues I do have and kind of bring up briefly I brush off right away and assure them that I can handle it on my own. Plus, I'm a very "can do, will do" type of guy and I guess I come off as a very strong person who doesn't need their help. While most of them cry and vent to me and I'm there to comfort them--I never really open up to them in that sense.

 

Plus I do seem very busy a lot of the time (which I am, like most other productive people) and I am a very private person and like to keep my private life private. Maybe I am a little stand-offish to an extent when it comes to myself and letting them in on my private life so they possibly are a bit intimidated to get involved or contact me in some ways. Plus, when(ever) they do call me I sometimes don't pick up right away because I'm usually busy.

 

I guess part of the problem is me in some regards. Maybe I should be more open with my personal life? Maybe I should just cry to them about my life and perhaps they'll feel a little bad, worry a little more and keep more in touch with me? I think I'll just be more welcoming into my life with them and perhaps they'll feel a little better about calling me. Maybe.

[spiderowl]

Maybe you just aren't inviting them into your life much. Do you invite them round to visit, suggest outings, anything like that? If you are used to being an 'island', then you may be brushing them off without realising. Do you welcome them? Are you missing their tentative attempts to reach out? Do you get offers of help with something or other, for example? Have people suggested you come round and see their garden sometime? Maybe you are missing cues for what could lead to a meeting.

 

I'm a bit like you, I think, and tend to feel I shouldn't expect anything of people. I'm especially good at refusing offers of help and yet that often brings people together. They want to be a friend to you too. It doesn't seem fair when you give so much. It's the people who do naturally expect more who seem to get more. They seem to assume people will want their company whether they are at their best or not.

 

Another thing that occurred to me is that although you say you don't expect much, are you actually giving out the opposite message? If, when you see friends, you make a point of saying how long it is since they last got in touch with you, eventually they'll start to feel pressured to get in touch and want to avoid such pressure. People don't like to be told what to do. I'm not saying you are doing this, but I have known it to happen. The person who can't resist dropping in barely-disguised snide comments and nudges about them not getting in touch can't understand why none of his friends contacts him when he always makes such an effort. They actually don't like being made to feel guilty even though in other respects they like him.

 

Personally, I hate it when people feel the need to point out how long it is since we last met. I don't understand why they can't just be happy to see a friend again without trying to induce guilt. Little prods like that are a real turn off and make me feel I'm not likely to rush to see them again soon. I decided some time ago that I would just be pleased to see people, enjoy the time I spend with them and hope I see them again, rather than making them wish they'd never bothered in the first place.

Edited September 21, 2010 by spiderowl

[blueyedgrl85]

If, when you see friends, you make a point of saying how long it is since they last got in touch with you, eventually they'll start to feel pressured to get in touch and want to avoid such pressure. People don't like to be told what to do. I'm not saying you are doing this, but I have known it to happen. The person who can't resist dropping in barely-disguised snide comments and nudges about them not getting in touch can't understand why none of his friends contacts him when he always makes such an effort. They actually don't like being made to feel guilty even though in other respects they like him.

The opposite can also occur as well- where your friend(s) may feel guilty that they haven't called and are afraid to because they think you might be mad at them.

 

Overall it seems that they are used to you being the "planner" of the group (there's usually one in every group) and have gotten lazy because of it. In their minds they don't have to stress about what to do because you'll plan something for them.