In and out of beats Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 WoW am I in a mess. I need some help, advice, encouragement, discouragement... something! I befriended this MM on a social site through mutual friend. We began talking and I was highly disappointed to find out he was married. We have a passion about a similar interest which is part of the reason I befriended him in the first place. Well anyway we spoke on that and that led into other things and just in general being friendly and getting to know each other. Well that online conversation be came lunch about a week later. It was kind of awkward. And I had moved on. I had been talking to several other guys and I really just viewed him as a friend. Well I became serious with one guy and we really didn't chat all that much. But as things became weird with the guy I was seeing (come to find out a stage 5 clinger) I started talking to him more to make sure I wasn't overreacting about the situation. Well I vented to him and he vented to me. One of the first things he told me when we met is that his marriage had fallen apart about 6 month earlier. They were in counseling but he was sure it was over and was waiting for the right time to leave. Having been through something similar I offered my support. Well as my relationship failed and he became increasingly miserable I found our self in the midst of a classic EA. I have developed such strong feelings for him and he said he had for me as well. It was totally by accident and I never wanted this to happen. Well, I guess you can't tell your heart how to feel, right? Well he decided we should see each other again. So we met up for a bite to eat and chatted. It was a lot less awkward this time. And despite our feelings for one another nothing happened, no physical boundaries were crossed. Well then we talked all weekend b/c he was out of town. Well Monday came around and we saw each other again only this time we kissed. It was quite an amazing kiss. He told me he was going to be working late would wait up to talk to me when I got off work (which is around midnight) so he was up and I called him. He had just put the baby to bed so he let the call go to vm. We texted instead. Mind out all this time he was assuring me that him leaving his wife had nothing to do with me, which I believe b/c he told me he was leave before we even knew each other. Well the next morning I guess she was being nosy and looked through his phone and saw a miss call from me. Well that was the day he moved out. So now he's with his parents for a few weeks till he can get his own place and get the separation agreement/ divorce process going. So now what do I do. He says he want's to be with me and talks about a house and a family together and everything. Like is this real? Did this really happen? I'm so confused and scared. In my state the OW/OM can get sued by a BS. I don't want to be in the middle of that and I don't want to get in trouble I children of my own to think about. But OMG I'm so in love with this man. I guess where we are at is that we are going to wait till the dust settles and see if she starts dating before we go spending so much time together. We are just going to meet in public places. In order to be "charged" with an affair you need intent, which with just phone records would be able to be proven, but you need opportunity too. So I figure if we are never together alone where perhaps a PI could document us behind close doors then she could never prove opportunity? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. PLEASE HELP!
JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) Beats, you really have gotten yourself into a sh*tstorm. My advice is to leave him completely alone until he is divorced, then if it was meant to be, you can get back together. Otherwise, you will probably be outed, and how will that effect your kids? Edited September 11, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
siuys Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Sounds like early stage of an affair... I would say wait till he is divorced, or proceed EXTREMELY slowly if you think you want to pursue it. He is not even on his own yet, and there will be loads of emotional issues to deal with which he may not even realise (happened to my MM). Keep your cool and don't rush into anything. Let him move out, see how he's dealing with everything before even considering seeing him. You will probably be in for a serious emotional roller coaster ride, and he may or may not reconcile with his W regardless of what he says now. Half the time the MMs don't even know that they will go through the emotional turmoil until AFTER they move out. Proceed with caution, protect your heart. Read more stories on this forum... good luck.
Author In and out of beats Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Well we are already "outed" so to speak. His wife thinks he's already had a full blown affair. As for why I didn't stay with the single guys... well frankly one of them just got on my nerves to all get out and the others I still talk to occationally. One lives 5 hours from me and the other is really just a FWB. He and I were never emotionally involved. And like I said, I didn't want this to happen or even pursued him as a romantic interest. It just happened. I'm so ashmed as it is. And you can change how you feel so do you really need to add comments like "instead of chasing MM"? Beats, you really have gotten yourself into a sh*tstorm. Even if he SAID that the marriage was over, he was and is, still very married, and you should have stopped before it became inappropriate. You have nobody to blame but yourself. Instead of chasing MM's, why didn't you stay with single guys? My advice is to leave him completely alone until he is divorced, then if it was meant to be, you can get back together. Otherwise, you will probably be outed, and how will that effect your kids?
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Well we are already "outed" so to speak. His wife thinks he's already had a full blown affair. As for why I didn't stay with the single guys... well frankly one of them just got on my nerves to all get out and the others I still talk to occationally. One lives 5 hours from me and the other is really just a FWB. He and I were never emotionally involved. And like I said, I didn't want this to happen or even pursued him as a romantic interest. It just happened. I'm so ashmed as it is. And you can change how you feel so do you really need to add comments like "instead of chasing MM"? Only like 4 states have an "alienation of affection" law... and it's rarely used. You should not worry too much about getting sued.
Author In and out of beats Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Only like 4 states have an "alienation of affection" law... and it's rarely used. You should not worry too much about getting sued. WOW you are so right. I just looked it up and you can't do that in my state anymore.*whew* I must have read it wrong or something. I guess the info she collects can only be used in a divorce. But adultery is grounds for immediate divorce. No speration waiting period is required. He jokes that we should just go all out so he can get it over with. He says he emotionally check out of the marriage in Feb.
JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) Beats, you pursued an inappropriate relationship with a married man. Regardless of the reasons. EA'S don't "just happen". So yes, chasing a MM is pretty accurate, even if a little harsh. I apologize for the harshness, but the issues remain the same, and the advice is still good. Leave him to sort out his marriage, and pick up the relationship, after the dust has settled. If it's really love, it will wait. I really want to help you and am not trying to be argumentative. Edited September 11, 2010 by JustJoe
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 WoW am I in a mess. I need some help, advice, encouragement, discouragement... something! I befriended this MM on a social site through mutual friend. We began talking and I was highly disappointed to find out he was married. We have a passion about a similar interest which is part of the reason I befriended him in the first place. Well anyway we spoke on that and that led into other things and just in general being friendly and getting to know each other. Well that online conversation be came lunch about a week later. It was kind of awkward. And I had moved on. I had been talking to several other guys and I really just viewed him as a friend. Well I became serious with one guy and we really didn't chat all that much. But as things became weird with the guy I was seeing (come to find out a stage 5 clinger) I started talking to him more to make sure I wasn't overreacting about the situation. Well I vented to him and he vented to me. One of the first things he told me when we met is that his marriage had fallen apart about 6 month earlier. They were in counseling but he was sure it was over and was waiting for the right time to leave. Well he might be telling you the truth about the 6 month thing and he very well might not be. Have you asked him and yourself why they are in counseling if it's really OVER? Most people that are really out of their marriage don't see any reason to do counseling. That waiting for the "right time" to leave is a huge warning sign, you need to heed it. His right time might be in a week or a year or maybe 5 years, yes that is the reality. Having been through something similar I offered my support. Well as my relationship failed and he became increasingly miserable I found our self in the midst of a classic EA. I have developed such strong feelings for him and he said he had for me as well. It was totally by accident and I never wanted this to happen. Well, I guess you can't tell your heart how to feel, right? It wasn't by accident, things don't "just happen", you made choices that got you to this point. Well he decided we should see each other again. So we met up for a bite to eat and chatted. It was a lot less awkward this time. And despite our feelings for one another nothing happened, no physical boundaries were crossed. Well then we talked all weekend b/c he was out of town. Well Monday came around and we saw each other again only this time we kissed. It was quite an amazing kiss. He told me he was going to be working late would wait up to talk to me when I got off work (which is around midnight) so he was up and I called him. He had just put the baby to bed so he let the call go to vm. We texted instead. Geez, he has a baby? Do you realize he will ALWAYS and FOREVER have a child and all that comes with that? Mind out all this time he was assuring me that him leaving his wife had nothing to do with me, which I believe b/c he told me he was leave before we even knew each other. Nothing to do with you, ummmm, if it was nothing to do with you, he would already be gone right? Don't you think it would be a lot smarter of him to wait until he was gone to start something up with somebody else? It's a hell of a lot easier that way. Well the next morning I guess she was being nosy and looked through his phone and saw a miss call from me. Well that was the day he moved out. Are you absolutely positive he really moved out? So now he's with his parents for a few weeks till he can get his own place and get the separation agreement/ divorce process going. So now what do I do. He says he want's to be with me and talks about a house and a family together and everything. Like is this real? Did this really happen? NOTHING has happened yet and as someone else said you are getting yourself into a whole **** storm that you are not prepared for, nor do you want. I'm so confused and scared. In my state the OW/OM can get sued by a BS. I don't want to be in the middle of that and I don't want to get in trouble I children of my own to think about. But OMG I'm so in love with this man. How long have you known this man? If you have children of your own, you need to protect them and maybe getting involved with someone not yet divorced isn't the wisest choice. I guess where we are at is that we are going to wait till the dust settles and see if she starts dating before we go spending so much time together. We are just going to meet in public places. In order to be "charged" with an affair you need intent, which with just phone records would be able to be proven, but you need opportunity too. So I figure if we are never together alone where perhaps a PI could document us behind close doors then she could never prove opportunity? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. PLEASE HELP! You are correct in your above statement, you don't know what you are doing and you need to think very, very long and hard about it, and you also need to consider that he might be playing you for a fool. It does happen, sorry to say. It sounds like you are on a cloud and not looking at this realistically. Read some of the posts here, most OW get hurt very badly and most of them regret the "decision" to get involved with a MM and the man you are talking about is married for all intents and purposes. Back up and think about this objectively.
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Well we are already "outed" so to speak. His wife thinks he's already had a full blown affair. As for why I didn't stay with the single guys... well frankly one of them just got on my nerves to all get out and the others I still talk to occationally. One lives 5 hours from me and the other is really just a FWB. He and I were never emotionally involved. And like I said, I didn't want this to happen or even pursued him as a romantic interest. It just happened. I'm so ashmed as it is. And you can change how you feel so do you really need to add comments like "instead of chasing MM"? You need to stop saying you didn't want this to happen, that is horse****e, own it. You let it happen, encouraged it or it would not be happening NOW. If you are ashamed, then you need to ask yourself why you are continuing to do something that you are ashamed of. I'm being tough on you but when people say "oh it just happened", that is just a bs excuse, at least OWN IT!
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Only like 4 states have an "alienation of affection" law... and it's rarely used. You should not worry too much about getting sued. You are incorrect, there are 7 states, they are Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah.
Author In and out of beats Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 So what I gather from all this is there is no way this can have a happy ending. So I should just give up?
JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Beats, Nobody is saying that. What we are trying to convey to you is to be careful, learn from this, and always be honest, and what will be, will be.
Author In and out of beats Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 I'm trying to figure it out but BTDT? BTW, I'm a former OM, myself, and BTDT. And I am very much in love with this man! I can not even describe it. Like my missing puzzle piece. He is amazing. No his situation is not great but HIM or who HE is, is perfect to me. And I feel he feels the same way about me. At least he says he does and I trust him. We've always been open and honest with each other. It was part of our friendship. He's even looking for apartments in my town to be close to me. I know only time will tell for sure what is going to happen but he is sure without any doubt he wants to be with me and only me and is working as fast as he can to do so. He says he doesn't expect me to sit and wait for him but that's what he wishes for. He tells me he knows actions speak louder than words and he is prepared to give 200% to show me how much he wants to be with me. There is so much sincerity and conviction in him when he tells me this. Plus, he can't lie. His every emotion is written all over his face. I would know exactly when and if he lied to my face! I get what you are saying but he's already told me that I have his heart and not to break it. I'd like to give him mine too but i'm not sure if i'm ready. He knows I have a fear of commitment and is willing to work through that with me in anyway I want. He's just the best.
JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Beats, everybody wants something, maybe you will get what you want, and maybe not, but I wish you luck .
BlackLovely Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 WOW you are so right. I just looked it up and you can't do that in my state anymore.*whew* I must have read it wrong or something. I guess the info she collects can only be used in a divorce. But adultery is grounds for immediate divorce. No speration waiting period is required. He jokes that we should just go all out so he can get it over with. He says he emotionally check out of the marriage in Feb. I think he'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear.
xxoo Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Well the next morning I guess she was being nosy and looked through his phone and saw a miss call from me. Well that was the day he moved out. Well we are already "outed" so to speak. His wife thinks he's already had a full blown affair. Why does she think you are having a full blown affair after finding one missed call? Is it because there have been other women? A repeat of history, maybe?
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 So what I gather from all this is there is no way this can have a happy ending. So I should just give up? The odds against it having a happy ending are very, very small and yes you should give it up before you get in any deeper, but I suspect you won't. You are here looking for validation and hope and your head is in the clouds. Better put your feet back down on the ground.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 His wife thinks he's already had a full blown affair. I doubt that was based on one missed call. This guy sounds like he does what he does on a regular basis, and this one missed call was probably the straw that broke the camel's back after a history of affairs. I would steer clear if I were you. You are probably one of many OW who were hoping and waiting for him to 'leave the wife'. Since he didn't leave on his own and had to be thrown out, I am going to wager a guess that he will do whatever is necessary to "give his marriage one more chance" and get himself back home. You are standing at the edge of a well of heartbreak. You have a choice: walk away now, or jump in.
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