Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I have plenty of guy friends who I have completely platonic relationships with. In recent weeks, I've had a few guy friends ask if I wanted to have dinner or drinks with them, go to a concert, see a particular movie, etc. Given my history with most of these guys, and the things we talk about (I talk about guys I'm dating, they talk about women they're dating, that sort of thing), I was assuming that these invitations were strictly platonic. However, a recent incredibly awkward exchange with one of these guys made me realize that they're not all platonic. This particular guy admitted he was full-on trying to rekindle a romance with me (a romance that never existed on my end, mind you...but apparently did in his mind). This one particular exchange has made me question all of the previous invitations I received in the past couple months. I'm simply not interested in going out with any of my guy friends as "dates," but how do I figure out what their intentions are in a way that isn't awkward for either one of us? Short of asking, "Are you asking me on a date?", how do you know?
USMCHokie Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 That's easy... If I ask you, then it's a date. If anyone else asks you, then it's strictly platonic. :laugh::laugh:
atlnay Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Are they paying for these outings and its not a special occaision? in my book, it's a date. If you otherwise enjoy their company, start paying your own way. If you already are, jokingly say, "you know this isnt a date right? "
Author Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Are they paying for these outings and its not a special occaision? I don't know if they're paying when they ask...for the most part. This one particular guy, we've been friends for like 4 years. When my ex and I broke up, he was one of the people I talked to the most. He knows I love this one particular restaurant, and he offered to take me there to cheer me up. (Lots of friends offered to take me out for drinks, dinner, etc. after my breakup, across both genders.) This restaurant serves my favorite lasagna IN THE WORLD, but only on Thursdays and Fridays. We kept putting off this dinner for weeks and weeks because of our respective schedules preventing one or both of us from being able to go on a Thursday or Friday. Then last week, out of nowhere, he started saying things that made me realize that he "liked me," which led to a conversation wherein he acknowledged having these serious feelings for me for years, and how he wanted a "second chance" from when he "messed up" 4 years ago (there never was a first chance, he never messed up, I didn't think of him that way back then, had no idea that's what he was thinking!!), but that he wasn't going to take me to that restaurant for my favorite lasagna if I was dating anyone else. It made me go: !!!
Author Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 That's easy... If I ask you, then it's a date. If anyone else asks you, then it's strictly platonic. :laugh::laugh: :love:
meerkat stew Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 It's just not that difficult, if a man asks you out to do something alone with him, especially at night, assume it's a date. 99% of the time you will be correct and what's the harm in the other 1%?
Land Shark Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Ok, Star. Time to break off another little chunk of innocence: you have no platonic friendships with men. Put on 75lbs and see how much time any of your buddies have for you.
Author Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 It's just not that difficult, if a man asks you out to do something alone with him, especially at night, assume it's a date. 99% of the time you will be correct and what's the harm in the other 1%? I invited a male friend to go to a John Mayer concert with me a couple weeks ago. We were alone, it was at night, and could have been romantic (John Mayer just makes me go ) if the intention was behind it. But it was most definitely NOT a date, and we both knew it from the get go. Why would I have to assume anything different if he had asked? And I've even dated that guy! I really, truly do think men and women can just be friends... Really.
Citizen Erased Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Ok, Star. Time to break off another little chunk of innocence: you have no platonic friendships with men. Put on 75lbs and see how much time any of your buddies have for you. I have a platonic friendship with you. Or is there something you want to tell me before I come see you again? 75 pounds is so specific. 50 would probably do the trick. Star, any guy that goes to a John Mayer concert is either gay or wants to get into your pants. Not to make generalisations or anything...
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Then last week, out of nowhere, he started saying things that made me realize that he "liked me," which led to a conversation wherein he acknowledged having these serious feelings for me for years, and how he wanted a "second chance" from when he "messed up" 4 years ago (there never was a first chance, he never messed up, I didn't think of him that way back then, had no idea that's what he was thinking!!), but that he wasn't going to take me to that restaurant for my favorite lasagna if I was dating anyone else. It made me go: !!! It's hard to imagine that wide of a gap in perceptions. How could he get that impression? Also... what are you planning to do about this? I'm going to tell you that good platonic male friends are VERY rare.
Kain Highwind Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I have a platonic friendship with you. Or is there something you want to tell me before I come see you again? 75 pounds is so specific. 50 would probably do the trick. Star, any guy that goes to a John Mayer concert is either gay or wants to get into your pants. Not to make generalisations or anything... What about the John Mayer trio
Land Shark Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I have a platonic friendship with you. Or is there something you want to tell me before I come see you again? 75 pounds is so specific. 50 would probably do the trick. Star, any guy that goes to a John Mayer concert is either gay or wants to get into your pants. Not to make generalisations or anything... I wasn't talking about you and me. I was talking about Star. SHE has no platonic friendships with men. You're right. I'd say a mean of 75lbs and a standard deviation of 40lbs.
Citizen Erased Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I wasn't talking about you and me. I was talking about Star. SHE has no platonic friendships with men. You're right. I'd say a mean of 75lbs and a standard deviation of 40lbs. I assumed you were talking in general. Of course she does, or she'd be referring to them as "those jerks that keep hitting on me". Much better.
TaurusTerp Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I have a platonic friendship with you. Or is there something you want to tell me before I come see you again? 75 pounds is so specific. 50 would probably do the trick. Star, any guy that goes to a John Mayer concert is either gay or wants to get into your pants. Not to make generalisations or anything... Bite your tongue. Learning to play Your Body is a Wonderland was the best decision I ever made.
Citizen Erased Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Bite your tongue. Learning to play Your Body is a Wonderland was the best decision I ever made. I was half joking. You could get a lot of ladies with that song. He certainly has.
Author Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Star, any guy that goes to a John Mayer concert is either gay or wants to get into your pants. Not to make generalisations or anything... I swear he doesn't want to get in my pants, and he's not gay. I set him up with one of my BFFs. We both just really love John Mayer!! It's hard to imagine that wide of a gap in perceptions. How could he get that impression? I honestly don't know. His perception was WAY off. See if you can follow this story: The guy I went to see JM with, that's Brian*. Brian and I dated very briefly during the summer of 2006, then he went back to grad school and things fizzled out. Then I met Matt (the dude in question here) at a girlfriend's birthday party. I thought Matt was dating/interested in another girlfriend of mine. As such, I believed Matt and I were JUST FRIENDS. A week or two after I met Matt, I was out with that group of girlfriends and Matt and some of his friends, where I met Steve. Steve and I immediately started dating. Unbeknownst to me, Matt knew both Brian and Steve, and knew that Brian and Steve knew each other. I did not know that Brian and Steve knew each other until like 4 months later (awkward!). Matt knew that I had dated Brian, but didn't know that we stopped seeing each other, so he thought I was cheating on Brian with Steve. (So fast forward, Matt was interested in me despite his erroneous belief that I was a cheating floozy.) Anyway, because I met Steve and was dating Steve shortly after Matt and I met, Matt and I never had anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. The guy is a MAJOR, MAJOR flirt. He flirts with everyone in town. Remember that I thought he was interested/dating a friend of mine. Well, I learned he wasn't, but that he made out with another girlfriend of mine. But the friend I thought he was dating, well she was still really, really, REALLY into him. Like crazy heartbreak crush into him - and he knew it, and egged her on (which I detested). I do recall one night where he was flirting with me and said something like, "We should go out sometime," and I literally said (half jokingly), "Ewwww, no Matt. You're a total flirty dawg, have made out with my friends, and so-and-so is soooo into you, and you're leading her on. Girl code, can't go there, don't want to. Plus, you're a mess (he was going through a divorce and was a drunk too). Besides, I'm dating Steve, and I want to see where that goes." I said that, but I still didn't even take his original flirting seriously. You had to know the guy back then and see his behavior to know what I mean. He was the type of guy who'd show up at a bar/party and be like, "Heyyyyy laaaaadiesss!!" and put his arms around like 3 women and then go buy them drinks, and try to be the center of attention amongst everyone, and then go cry in the corner over his divorce. No one took him seriously. So years pass, and over those years, we are literally just friends. Se movies. Play softball/kickball. Grab some beers. JUST friends. He's still flirty, but not as much. He's become more stable as he's "grown up" more. I went to him for guy advice, and he gave it (pretty good advice too). Then when my ex and I broke up, he started getting weird. So weird that he was literally quoting me DATES of things. "We met on October 1, 2006 at Natalie's birthday party. On October 8, 2006, you met Steve. On October 14, 2010, there was tension between you and I...and instead of just being with you, I ruined it. I'm a different person now. I'm in a better place. I'd be good for you." It was the weirdest conversation of my life. There was never "tension" between us, and there was nothing to ruin because there was nothing ever there to begin with. EVER. Also... what are you planning to do about this? About Matt in particular, I told him that he's been reading waaaaaaaaaay too much into our interactions over the years. I told him there was nothing ever between us in the first place, and that I didn't view him in a romantic sense. His response? "Yeah right." I'm going to tell you that good platonic male friends are VERY rare. But I have a few of them that I absolutely know ARE platonic. Might not have been in the past, but absolutely are now. 1000000% positive of that. * All names have been changed.
Author Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Learning to play Your Body is a Wonderland was the best decision I ever made. Ohhhh yessss... A tattoo'd man with a guitar... and that song... or Edge of Desire... :love:
TaurusTerp Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I was half joking. You could get a lot of ladies with that song. He certainly has. It was a panty peeler in college, although I think it doesn't have the same power over women that you would actually want for more than a night (ie, non-vapid women that aren't actually aroused by stupid **** like that).
Author Star Gazer Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 It was a panty peeler in college, although I think it doesn't have the same power over women that you would actually want for more than a night (ie, non-vapid women that aren't actually aroused by stupid **** like that). Who are you calling vapid?!?!!
somedude81 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Most, if not all unattached guy friends want to sleep with their female "friends." Heck even if the guy is seeing somebody, he still may want to be with his friend. For some reason, women are naive about this and believe that their guy friends has no interest in her. Wrong! The only way to know for certain that a guy friend does not see you that way is to make a pass at him. If he's easily "seduced," he's been thinking about sleeping with you from the day he met you. I keep hearing how women have great intuition, and it strikes me as very odd how girls can't tell when a guy friend wants them.
Cee Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 There is some sort of charge and interest in some way among me and my males friends. But usually I'm interested and they shoot me down. In rare instances, I have remained friends with a couple of them. Pursuing mutual interest with a friend is risky business b/c dating is such a crapshoot anyway. And sometimes the interest is not equal. I was "best friends" with a guy for two years. I was attracted to him and loved him as a friend, but I got to see his flaws well. I could tolerate him as a buddy, but he'd drive me crazy as a boyfriend. He ended our friendship b/c it was too painful and I went through a grieving process because I lost someone I talked to every day. Now that I think about it, maybe it's best to get attraction out on the table early. There's no use hanging with someone pretending to be their friend with no chance for something more.
dispatch3d Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I have plenty of guy friends who I have completely platonic relationships with. In recent weeks, I've had a few guy friends ask if I wanted to have dinner or drinks with them, go to a concert, see a particular movie, etc. Given my history with most of these guys, and the things we talk about (I talk about guys I'm dating, they talk about women they're dating, that sort of thing), I was assuming that these invitations were strictly platonic. However, a recent incredibly awkward exchange with one of these guys made me realize that they're not all platonic. This particular guy admitted he was full-on trying to rekindle a romance with me (a romance that never existed on my end, mind you...but apparently did in his mind). This one particular exchange has made me question all of the previous invitations I received in the past couple months. I'm simply not interested in going out with any of my guy friends as "dates," but how do I figure out what their intentions are in a way that isn't awkward for either one of us? Short of asking, "Are you asking me on a date?", how do you know? My new mindset is 1 on 1 equals a date. I don't call up guy friends and ask them to go to a movie with me. Weird. I'd want another guy there with me (usually) unless the dude is my roomate. I think what confuses you is girls probably do hang out on 1 on 1 basis just to talk. Guys don't do this. They are all dates. If you asked them and they said no it doesn't change the fact it's a date. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson when accidently "dating" a girl I had no intention of liking....
Confused100 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Most, if not all unattached guy friends want to sleep with their female "friends." Heck even if the guy is seeing somebody, he still may want to be with his friend. For some reason, women are naive about this and believe that their guy friends has no interest in her. Wrong! The only way to know for certain that a guy friend does not see you that way is to make a pass at him. If he's easily "seduced," he's been thinking about sleeping with you from the day he met you. I keep hearing how women have great intuition, and it strikes me as very odd how girls can't tell when a guy friend wants them. Maybe I'm just naive, but, I don't know, it seems like there can be genuine platonic friendships between men and women. I have a few female friends who I am not attracted to and it's never crossed my mind to sleep with them. I just enjoy having a good conversation and hanging out. I actually do enjoy meeting up on a 1 on 1 basis just to talk. Maybe it's not the most common thing out there, but I think it's possible to have relationships like that.
callingyouuu Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Maybe I'm just naive, but, I don't know, it seems like there can be genuine platonic friendships between men and women. I have a few female friends who I am not attracted to and it's never crossed my mind to sleep with them. I just enjoy having a good conversation and hanging out. I actually do enjoy meeting up on a 1 on 1 basis just to talk. Maybe it's not the most common thing out there, but I think it's possible to have relationships like that. Yup, I'm another one of these guys. I've browsed LS posts like somedude81's once in a while and considered whether or not I subconsciously want to sleep with my female platonic friends. Nope. They're just cool people who I like to hang out with without having to worry about development of sexual tension. I do agree that we're kind of the exception to the rule, though.
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