mplsmama Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I am brand new to forum but felt the need to post right away. My husband of 9 yrs told me he wanted to separate on my 38th b'day - about 2 wks ago. I was totally blindsided. I had no idea we were even having problems. He can't even really tell me what I've done - other than to say that since having our daughter (age 2) he feels like we've drifted apart. I told him I thought that, unfortunately, that's pretty normal (though still painful) and we could work on it. He said, nope, he's done with this marriage and just wants to be "friends." WTH?! He moved in with a single friend, leaving my daughter & I to fend for ourselves. I'm heartbroken and just want my family back. He's treating me as though I had an affair, and I didn't! His biggest complaint is that I was basically a doting mother. He also comes from a very dysfunctional family and cannot handle ANY conflict. He says he just can't handle us fighting... though I swear we only argue once every few months. I'm so confused. I just want my family back, but I don't know if it's hopeless? He still "hangs out" with us every 3 days or so, and has even "slipped" and called me "honey," etc... but this whole situation is just so hurtful. Help!
heartbrokensj Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) I am brand new to forum but felt the need to post right away. My husband of 9 yrs told me he wanted to separate on my 38th b'day - about 2 wks ago. I was totally blindsided. I had no idea we were even having problems. He can't even really tell me what I've done - other than to say that since having our daughter (age 2) he feels like we've drifted apart. I told him I thought that, unfortunately, that's pretty normal (though still painful) and we could work on it. He said, nope, he's done with this marriage and just wants to be "friends." WTH?! He moved in with a single friend, leaving my daughter & I to fend for ourselves. I'm heartbroken and just want my family back. He's treating me as though I had an affair, and I didn't! His biggest complaint is that I was basically a doting mother. He also comes from a very dysfunctional family and cannot handle ANY conflict. He says he just can't handle us fighting... though I swear we only argue once every few months. I'm so confused. I just want my family back, but I don't know if it's hopeless? He still "hangs out" with us every 3 days or so, and has even "slipped" and called me "honey," etc... but this whole situation is just so hurtful. Help! Welcome to LS, I am sorry to hear about your situation. He sounds a lot like my husband who left me and our baby 6 months ago. We also started having more problems when we had our first baby almost 2 years ago. The best thing you can do right now is not to seem needy toward your husband and to try the 180 technique and limited contact since you 2 share a child together. Try your best from iniating any type of conversation about why he left when he is around. Hang in there we are here for you.....This will be an emotional roller coaster for you and I do hope you 2 can reconcile but this is the time where you need to appear happy and nonchalant at the same time whenever he is around so it will get him thinking about his actions more so than blaming you for what you did wrong. Also use this time to stay strong for yourself and your baby but to work on you in whichever way you feel contributed to the miscommunication and problems in your marriage. He might just fit the definition of a walk away spouse. Edited September 11, 2010 by heartbrokensj typos
habs53 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 And again another walk away spouse. Usually there is another person involved. He will lie lie lie, so you may never find out the truth. Take care of yourself and move on. You deserve better than that, anybody does. Give Karma some time.
You Go Girl Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I wonder what kind of person would be so malicious as to tell their spouse this on their birthday...there must be a lot more to this story! Either of how angry he is at you, or how he is a very selfish person. It's not like he couldn't have told you the day after your birthday, geesh. Sorry, op.
mark982 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 my ex, and your stbx are two of the same pod. getting dumped on our birthdays. no class, i feel for you.
drewsmom Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 So sorry you are going through this. your stbx is just like mine, we never really fought and one day he says we need mc so I went and said ok so what do you got, whats wrong, he said I didnt rinse out the shower, WHAT? I said thats it. but of course after 3 times going to the mc he said we were fine and we would work it out. 2 months later he asked me for a divorce. and I found out a month later he had a gf. We have a 6yr old I to was a dotting mother, but if i wasnt who would have been because he never really bothered doing anything with my son and I, If I didnt pay attn to him he wouldnt have had anyone. I think he got bored real fast with the family thing, his family is also disfunctional, his whole family is selfcentered he grew up with a mother that didnt take care of him only of herself, and children learn by example. you do need to get yourself up go out and be happy, remember you have a child that needs you now. I never begged my husband to come back, I figured if I put all my energy into begging and crying I would be a mess for my son and he would be the one who suffered. I was sad dont get me wrong, but if stbx didnt want me then I didnt want him. I signed the papers as he wanted and i am living my life to the fullest. I lost my parents when they were only 50yrs old I am 43 I dont have time to deal with this **** stbx is doing, suppose I only have 10 yrs left i want memories for my child. I know its not the way i should think but I will only have one child and I dont want a minute to go by without being there for him. I also picked myself up because I thought about how his mother was and is still bitter about her divorce and never took the kids feelings into consideration and they are all messed up for it, dont want my son to be like them. My son and I are doing fine. I look at him and he makes it all better. I am not even mad with his gf(he still denies her though) I figured he wasnt happy here and if it wasnt her it would have been someone else. a week and a half after stbx asked me for a divorce my son looked at me and said mom you havent cook a good dinner in a while, thats what snapped me out of it, we were at the market that day and I have never looked back. I know this kills my stbx even more that i didnt lay down and die like he seen his mother do. she was still being vindictive after 2 yrs and laying around wo is me. my stbx might think were still a family the way he calls all the time and comes around, and the happier i am the more pissed he is. My son and I have always done things every summer and this summer wasnt any different, we were never home, parks, zoos, something everyweek. I even took son to disney after stbx asked me for D I called him said were going to disney and your paying. He wasnt to thrilled about that, but my son has to live the way he did while we were still a couple and we always went to disney. to this day, stbx calls all day long wondering what were doing, even after his own attourney told him 2 phone calls were plenty to my son. He just dont get it though, I am done, I dont live for him, I live and breath for my son. mabey that was the problem in our marriage, but we all know once you have a child things change. I was always the good wife, never went out, had family dinners every nite, sex was good(I did everything) but he got bored, think about your baby, and if nothing comes of this but a divorce always remember you have the best part of him and that is your child. I figure i can always replace him but i could never replace my son.
2sunny Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 sounds like he may be seeing someone else. start digging. there is usually a reason for sudden movement such as his - it's most likely a new woman he wants to be free to see and date. start doing something... you need to know what's really going on - instead of just what he's telling you.
Author mplsmama Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Thanks for all of the supportive words, I really need that right now. I just still can't believe this is happening. I swear I am living in a dream and I'm going to just wake up. Everyone said we were the "perfect couple," and what's so sad is that I thought so as well! Sure we had our moments, but nothing out of the ordinary. We've worked through tough issues in the past, I don't understand why this one is so insurmountable. I should add that we had been trying to have a 2nd child for over a year, and I've had 2 miscarriages in the past year (yet another fun thing I get to deal with... on my own!). So we had an argument over him telling me that he doesn't want a second child, and really didn't even want the first (though he claims he doesn't regret having her, now that she's here). I know it seems like there could be someone else, and I'm definitely not ruling it out. I know I can't totally trust him right now, but.... I have asked him if there's someone else & he's denied it. He's talked to some friends, too, who've told me they're pretty confident there's no one else in the picture. He just literally doesn't know how to handle conflict. I admit, I said some hurtful things when we had our last argument (told him he was selfish, etc) but I don't think I deserve to lose my marriage over it! WTH do you think your wife is going to say when you tell her that you don't want a child, after you've been misleading her for years?! Of course I'll be angry! But it doesn't mean the whole relationship is over! Anyway..., I definitely agree that I need to be the best person I can be for my daughter. I only wish he seemed interested in what we were doing... he doesn't even call her everyday. Sees her every few days - despite living about 5 minutes away. If you're the praying type... please pray for us! My heart is still just breaking...
2sunny Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 so what IS he DOING every day? since he's not with you or your daughter find out exactly how he's spending his time each day. you have a right to understand what is going on - as it definitely has affected your family... and will continue to affect it unless you find out what he is doing. since he's not with you - he must be doing something - and THAT something is what he holds a bigger priority than his family right now. what is it? if it were me - i'd want to know... and i would find out! get going. whatever it is - he's gonna deny it until the cows come home - you need your evidence as to what it actually is. also - check his cell bill, check how much money he has and is spending. where he goes, who he's with. you need to know what is going on in order to make decisions for the best interest of your future.
What_Next Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Wow, first I am so sorry you are here. Secondly, if you need a good book to read, go read my thread. It is not a direct parallel, but all the signs are there. I am sad to say that you have a walk away spouse on your hands. Likely there is already someone else in the picture. Work on YOU and your child. Ensure you take care of you both first. That is all you can control. Prepare for the fact that he is already in an affair, ignore everything he tells to his friends etc, all a pack of lies. However, at this point don't concern yourself with that. Be ready for the end of your marriage. I hate to come off as over the top, but trust those of us who have been there.
habs53 Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Wow, first I am so sorry you are here. Secondly, if you need a good book to read, go read my thread. It is not a direct parallel, but all the signs are there. I am sad to say that you have a walk away spouse on your hands. Likely there is already someone else in the picture. Work on YOU and your child. Ensure you take care of you both first. That is all you can control. Prepare for the fact that he is already in an affair, ignore everything he tells to his friends etc, all a pack of lies. However, at this point don't concern yourself with that. Be ready for the end of your marriage. I hate to come off as over the top, but trust those of us who have been there. All sad but true buddy.
drewsmom Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Ahhh the denial, my stbx denied it to, his brother said there wasnt anyone either, I believed him until one day my son came home and said mom I played with my new friend i said who he said haylee, i said you dont have any friends named haylee he said yeah we meet them at the playground, he said and daddys friend sharon tried kissing him and he pushed her away. I confronted him and he denied it said she was just a friend, then he called my son one nite, after they hung up my phone rang again it was him, but little did he know he must have hit the dial button and it dialed back my house, I listened while him and gf were out to dinner for like half hour, him saying whats wrong babe, then her bitching at him for a while cause he didnt leave a big enough tip. He still denied it and I left a message for him saying todd really you know its 20% tip. and i repeated a few other things they said so he knew i heard everything. I paid attn and now know exactly when he sees her because the phone calls to my son are less when he sees her. and when he dont he dont stop calling. I talked to a guy who has an affair on his wife and he told me dont ever believe them he said he denied it till the end. he is now married to his affair. but never trust them.
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