eeyore1981 Posted September 15, 2010 Posted September 15, 2010 Removing the sexual aspect for the sake of argument, I can't help but think of some people's propensity for revenge to be reminiscent of my kids when one shouts, "...but she started it!" Maybe that means the need to get back at someone when you've been wronged is an innate inclination rooted in humanity in general. The choice to act on those natural impulses change and evolve based on many variables, I'm sure. One might be parental influences, and another might be outside influences encouraging our internal desire to even the score. One thing I can say with certainty is that once you commit Revenge Sex, you've lost your right to be angry and hurt over the initial betrayal. It would be juvenile to think otherwise. BBM The above is exactly why I spent so much time thinking about having a RA and why I almost had one. For me, it had nothing to do with revenge. It was because I was so sick of feeling angry, betrayed, victimized, etc., and doing it back meant I would be able to get past those feelings. Yeah, I could have left, and I would have taken those feelings with me, so for me that wasn't a solution.
love4me2c Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I've been lurking for awhile and never posted. Long story short, my husband cheated while we were in MC. We had problems for about 5 years. When I found out about the affair, I was livid. I had done everything to save my marriage and that is what he decided to do. Afterwards, I purposefully went out and had a revenge affair. My husband found out about my revenge affair. I never wanted him to find out about the affair but he did. I told him it was meaningless and just to level the playing field. There have been a lot of trust issues now between the both of us. I do want to rebuild my marriage. My husband is now in IC and on medication. He says it was his depression that made him a mean person and broke down our marriage. My husband has made a complete 180 in his life and he wants to make me happy. I am actually starting to have feelings for my husband again, but I am having trouble leaving the AP. I have a growing infatuation with my AP and he with me. I can't stay away from him. I've tried breaking up with him and then he comes back. My brain tells me this attraction is not real. It isn't love it is lust and excitement that has been absent for many years. Yet, I feel powerless to keep away from him. AP is also married and in a bad marriage. I'm not looking for "advice" on what to do nor flaming me for what I have done. I know what I need to do and it is called self -control. I regret, every single day, that I had a revenge affair. I wish I could take it back. I can relate to feeling like I've leveled the playing field, but once I started playing with fire, I turned into an arsonist. So rather than counseling against anything, my counsel would be not to do ANYTHING for at least a month. That includes filing for a separation, leaving your home, having a fling, calling up an old boyfriend/girlfriend, posting an ad on Craigslist/Ashley Madison, ANYTHING. DO NOTHING. There are a lot of emotions after finding out about the affair and you are not thinking clearly. Perhaps that is really what I wish I had done. Because had I just waited for my emotions to normalize, I would not be where I am now.
painfullyobvious Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 Revenge affairs if done for revenge serve no purpose. The intention is to hurt another person who cheated on you. It may feel powerful for a short time but later on I believe guilt over the revenge affair will set in and now you feel bad because you were cheated on and now also because you cheated as well.
Author JustJoe Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Revenge affairs if done for revenge serve no purpose. The intention is to hurt another person who cheated on you. It may feel powerful for a short time but later on I believe guilt over the revenge affair will set in and now you feel bad because you were cheated on and now also because you cheated as well.I think that this is one of my issues. I would not feel guilt for a revenge sexual encounter. I might feel it is counter-productive, but I don't think I would lose any sleep over cheating on a cheater.
ladydesigner Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I think that this is one of my issues. I would not feel guilt for a revenge sexual encounter. I might feel it is counter-productive, but I don't think I would lose any sleep over cheating on a cheater. Wow JJ I am almost to admit that I do not feel guilt for my RA. I am more or less angry with myself that I would stoop to that level, but guilt no.
ladydesigner Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 I've been lurking for awhile and never posted. Long story short, my husband cheated while we were in MC. We had problems for about 5 years. When I found out about the affair, I was livid. I had done everything to save my marriage and that is what he decided to do. Afterwards, I purposefully went out and had a revenge affair. My husband found out about my revenge affair. I never wanted him to find out about the affair but he did. I told him it was meaningless and just to level the playing field. There have been a lot of trust issues now between the both of us. I do want to rebuild my marriage. My husband is now in IC and on medication. He says it was his depression that made him a mean person and broke down our marriage. My husband has made a complete 180 in his life and he wants to make me happy. I am actually starting to have feelings for my husband again, but I am having trouble leaving the AP. I have a growing infatuation with my AP and he with me. I can't stay away from him. I've tried breaking up with him and then he comes back. My brain tells me this attraction is not real. It isn't love it is lust and excitement that has been absent for many years. Yet, I feel powerless to keep away from him. AP is also married and in a bad marriage. I'm not looking for "advice" on what to do nor flaming me for what I have done. I know what I need to do and it is called self -control. I regret, every single day, that I had a revenge affair. I wish I could take it back. I can relate to feeling like I've leveled the playing field, but once I started playing with fire, I turned into an arsonist. So rather than counseling against anything, my counsel would be not to do ANYTHING for at least a month. That includes filing for a separation, leaving your home, having a fling, calling up an old boyfriend/girlfriend, posting an ad on Craigslist/Ashley Madison, ANYTHING. DO NOTHING. There are a lot of emotions after finding out about the affair and you are not thinking clearly. Perhaps that is really what I wish I had done. Because had I just waited for my emotions to normalize, I would not be where I am now. Yes this same situation happened with me. I found out about my H's multiple infidelities and then I started to develop an EA with my co-worker and boom. My RA had begun. We fell for each other pretty hard and my XAP ended up breaking my heart, so now I had to deal with my H's affairs and now my own heartbreak. It was devastating. One of the lowest points of my life. I felt rejected by both my H and my XAP and that was a huge blow to me. I guess I should have packed up and left when I found out about my H's affairs, but then we wouldn't be where we are today. We are getting along and communicating better than ever. My H never found out about the RA though. Some days it eats at me and others it doesn't. I know most here advise to tell, I am uncertain.
Author JustJoe Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Most of the time, LD, I advocate disclosure, but in your case, no. I feel that if I'm cheated on, then I owe the WS nothing, but an opportunity to come clean, and I will do as I wish.
wheelwright Posted September 20, 2010 Posted September 20, 2010 When talking about EMA'S, sometimes the BS has a "revenge affair", and is almost universally execrated for it. Why? Without resorting to cliche's (two wrongs don't make a right), etc, what is wrong with a revenge affair? It punishes the WS, restores some of the self-esteem lost by the BS, and puts everybody on the same page relationshipwise. Please give me your opinions, pro and con. Please also, be respectful. Revenge isn't what it looks like. It's not something that makes the other person's life hell - unless you murder their wife and babies or somethin. But that aint our business here on LS, from what I see. It's something that somehow makes YOU feel less hurt, that has to do with hurting another. I search around for something that might actually carry this eventuality in any circumstance. I will try to come up with things: 1. The reminder - I can hurt you too. Look I kissed/f***** someone else. (I think this is the least aggressive and the most forgivable) 2. The power play - Actually, just knuckle under, I am your SO and own half of what you do, so remember that next time. 3. The victim/passive aggressive - yes you just go right ahead and f*** up my life but I will be an alcoholic wreck and worth nothing to our kids should you pursue this venture that makes me look a fool. Make no bones about it. 4. If you leave me now, I do not wish your happiness in any way. You may go to he** or stay with me. And they all speak of one horrid thing -needing power over the one you say you love. There is no revenge. Only bad love. Or love gone bad.
Author JustJoe Posted September 21, 2010 Author Posted September 21, 2010 Revenge isn't what it looks like. It's not something that makes the other person's life hell - unless you murder their wife and babies or somethin. But that aint our business here on LS, from what I see. It's something that somehow makes YOU feel less hurt, that has to do with hurting another. I search around for something that might actually carry this eventuality in any circumstance. I will try to come up with things: 1. The reminder - I can hurt you too. Look I kissed/f***** someone else. (I think this is the least aggressive and the most forgivable) 2. The power play - Actually, just knuckle under, I am your SO and own half of what you do, so remember that next time. 3. The victim/passive aggressive - yes you just go right ahead and f*** up my life but I will be an alcoholic wreck and worth nothing to our kids should you pursue this venture that makes me look a fool. Make no bones about it. 4. If you leave me now, I do not wish your happiness in any way. You may go to he** or stay with me. And they all speak of one horrid thing -needing power over the one you say you love. There is no revenge. Only bad love. Or love gone bad.Very good post,WW, and a lot of truth in it.
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