Revenge is sweet.......or is it?

[JustJoe]

Thanks Joe and $2.50 for a few favorable responses. I still think that lots of people would do it if they had the chance. The Old moral high-ground,would be a pretty crowded place if all BS'S refused a little revenge nookie.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks Joe and $2.50 for a few favorable responses. I still think that lots of people would do it if they had the chance. The Old moral high-ground,would be a pretty crowded place if all BS'S refused a little revenge nookie.

 

 

Why would you assume that we didn't have the chance. When people find out you have been cheated on, the freaks come out of the woodwork to help you "exact" a little revenge. I am grateful my self esteem doesn't come from the pain of others. In grade school we called it bullying. I guess adults need to dress it up a bit to make themselves feel better. Just keep adding to the cycle of wrongs to get even with others who hurt us...God help us all.

[Owl]

Just Joe, you can go ahead and lump me in with all the other "moral high-grounders".

 

A revenge affair is just as "wrong" in any sense of the word you want to use.

 

It's often just as devestating and destructive to the other spouse as their first affair was.

 

That doesn't solve the problem...it doesn't "even the playing field"...it creates far bigger problems and pretty much destroys any chance at reconciliation, rather than "equalizing the power".

 

It just makes the whole situation worse...and doesn't do anything to improve it.

 

Honestly, I'm surprised at the tone that this thread has...it almost sounds like BS's who choose not to have a regenge affair are being ridiculed and insulted for not doing so.

 

I'll stick to my "moral high ground" I guess...it's worked well for me the rest of my life. I don't feel like I've missed out on any 'revenge nookie' here.

[seren]

So hope there is room on the high ground for me too, I don't see it as taking a high ground or anything else. These are my morals, my decisions and my choices, if that's adopting the moral high ground then I had better start climbing.

[Steadfast]

Until you've been used as a prop in a revenge scenario, you might want to reserve judgment. Those interested in some quick physical stimulation might have no objection, but as a father of teenagers I find this difficult to justify.

 

After, you almost always feel worse; even if the experience gave you some temporary comfort. By bringing another (innocent or uninformed) person into the situation, acting selfishly and feeling entitled, you've brought yourself down to the level of the cheat. Some still may not object in the face of a revenge hook up, but it is my opinion that the building blocks of recovery are kindness, understanding, acceptance and a certain belief that avoiding the mental and emotional dregs of the cheater is the quickest way out of the desperation of betrayal. I just don't want to live in that neighborhood.

 

Still, all must decide for themselves. Some will justify and condone, others will admit their mistake, explain the consequences and hope the message sinks in. Cheating and infidelity is a social disease that continues to spread rapidly and many wonder why. Look to the actions of those involved for your answers.

Edited September 13, 2010 by Steadfast

[GorillaTheater]

My better nature agrees whole-heartedly with those who reject cheating in any way, shape or form.

 

But I'd be lying if I denied another part of my mentality, the one which takes considerable satisfaction in hearing the stories of 2.50 and Zippy's Login (and Lorenzo, if any of you remember him) who were BS's who bedded the Other Man's wife. Perhaps that's immaturity on my part, I can own that.

[Fight4Me]

I don't believe me having a revenge affair is true revenge. It may even the playing field, so much so that my fWH would be absolved of guilt, of doing any hard work on himself, of having to look around at his family (particularly me), and say, "my God, what have I done? I almost lost them!"

 

Why would I want to let him off so easy?

 

Why would I want to usurp the process of healing in both myself AND him?

 

Why would I go against everything I teach my children, ultimately sabotaging any credibility I have with them?

 

Why would I want to carry around the shame of some disgusting memory for the rest of my life?

 

My wedding vows were first and foremost to God Himself, so why would I break my promise to Him when He wasn't responsible for my fWH's actions? That's a position I'd rather not be in, and tremble at the thought.

[ladydesigner]

I had a revenge affair. I was at the lowest point in my M. Discovered my H had 2 infidelities and that was enough to set me off. I chose to go down the wayward path and ended up falling for my xOM. I am not happy I had the RA. It left me brokenhearted, self esteem shot to bits, and a loss of integrity. The only part that it alleviated was the pain from my H's affair, we were even.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't believe me having a revenge affair is true revenge. It may even the playing field, so much so that my fWH would be absolved of guilt, of doing any hard work on himself, of having to look around at his family (particularly me), and say, "my God, what have I done? I almost lost them!"

 

Why would I want to let him off so easy?

 

Why would I want to usurp the process of healing in both myself AND him?

 

Why would I go against everything I teach my children, ultimately sabotaging any credibility I have with them?

 

Why would I want to carry around the shame of some disgusting memory for the rest of my life?

 

My wedding vows were first and foremost to God Himself, so why would I break my promise to Him when He wasn't responsible for my fWH's actions? That's a position I'd rather not be in, and tremble at the thought.

 

 

It does cause one to tremble.

[JustJoe]

Just Joe, you can go ahead and lump me in with all the other "moral high-grounders".

 

A revenge affair is just as "wrong" in any sense of the word you want to use.

 

It's often just as devestating and destructive to the other spouse as their first affair was.

 

That doesn't solve the problem...it doesn't "even the playing field"...it creates far bigger problems and pretty much destroys any chance at reconciliation, rather than "equalizing the power".

 

It just makes the whole situation worse...and doesn't do anything to improve it.

 

Honestly, I'm surprised at the tone that this thread has...it almost sounds like BS's who choose not to have a regenge affair are being ridiculed and insulted for not doing so.

 

I'll stick to my "moral high ground" I guess...it's worked well for me the rest of my life. I don't feel like I've missed out on any 'revenge nookie' here.

Owl, believe me, there is no intent to ridicule anyone. I'm just a more realistic student of human nature, and can readily envision many of those who decry revenge affairs, engaging in one if given the chance. Remember, I am not advocating, I'm just curious as to posters opinions.

[bentnotbroken]

Owl, believe me, there is no intent to ridicule anyone. I'm just a more realistic student of human nature, and can readily envision many of those who decry revenge affairs, engaging in one if given the chance. Remember, I am not advocating, I'm just curious as to posters opinions.

 

 

Why do you keep assuming no of us have had the chance. It was a choice not to engage in it. It was a choice not to allow myself to go to a level that I know I can do better than.

[JustJoe]

I don't believe me having a revenge affair is true revenge. It may even the playing field, so much so that my fWH would be absolved of guilt, of doing any hard work on himself, of having to look around at his family (particularly me), and say, "my God, what have I done? I almost lost them!"

 

Why would I want to let him off so easy?

 

Why would I want to usurp the process of healing in both myself AND him?

 

Why would I go against everything I teach my children, ultimately sabotaging any credibility I have with them?

 

Why would I want to carry around the shame of some disgusting memory for the rest of my life?

 

My wedding vows were first and foremost to God Himself, so why would I break my promise to Him when He wasn't responsible for my fWH's actions? That's a position I'd rather not be in, and tremble at the thought.

Fight4me, I would be very wary about involving the almighty in this equation. After wasn't he the one advocated, "an eye for an eye"? Perhaps the old testament God would be a little more lenient about revenge sex.

[JustJoe]

BNB, as an FBL (foxy , black Lady) I'm sure that you had opportunities.

[ladydesigner]

Fight4me, I would be very wary about involving the almighty in this equation. After wasn't he the one advocated, "an eye for an eye"? Perhaps the old testament God would be a little more lenient about revenge sex.

 

This gave me a good laugh JJ. I have always been a vengeful person in my past. I am changing my ways and have to not let anger get the better of me.

[JustJoe]

Yep, LD, normally I'm a pretty vindictive SOB, but am trying to be more understanding. Not going so well, to be honest.

[Owl]

Why do you keep assuming no of us have had the chance. It was a choice not to engage in it. It was a choice not to allow myself to go to a level that I know I can do better than.

 

Same here. There were two young ladies that wanted to "console me" after my wife's affair. Both very attractive...but still not something that I was willing to do.

 

Had the chance...deliberately and intentionally passed it up for all the reasons we've seen stated here.

[redtail]

... I'm just a more realistic student of human nature, and can readily envision many of those who decry revenge affairs, engaging in one if given the chance.

...

 

Possibly, but to my way of thinking, this only brings me down to their level and justifies, in the original cheaters mind, the original EMA.

 

Of course, that does not mean that the thought didn't cross my mind when I found out my wife (at the time) had cheated on me. I had opportunities, both before and after discovering her affair, but I didn't take the bait. And now I'm glad I never did.

 

So, I don't agree with your theory of opportunity.

[JustJoe]

Fair enough, Redtail. I also wonder if the possibility of reconciliation might inhibit the desire for revenge? If you already know that you're not going to take the WS back, it might influence your , very human, want/need to punish them.

[Lizzie60]

When talking about EMA'S, sometimes the BS has a "revenge affair", and is almost universally execrated for it. Why? Without resorting to cliche's (two wrongs don't make a right), etc, what is wrong with a revenge affair? It punishes the WS, restores some of the self-esteem lost by the BS, and puts everybody on the same page relationshipwise. Please give me your opinions, pro and con. Please also, be respectful.

 

I have not read the thread... but this is interesting.. I would think that it is only fair that the WS has a revenge affair.. why not? he WS would then know how it feels.. plus they would be, like you say, on the same page.. kif-kif..

 

I will always say .. What's good for one HAS to be good for the other..

[Owl]

Fair enough, Redtail. I also wonder if the possibility of reconciliation might inhibit the desire for revenge? If you already know that you're not going to take the WS back, it might influence your , very human, want/need to punish them.

 

Very probably.

[Owl]

I have not read the thread... but this is interesting.. I would think that it is only fair that the WS has a revenge affair.. why not? he WS would then know how it feels.. plus they would be, like you say, on the same page.. kif-kif..

 

I will always say .. What's good for one HAS to be good for the other..

 

That's the problem...there's nothing good about cheating on your spouse. No matter which one does it.

 

It's wrong.

 

And I'm thinkingthat the saying "two wrongs don't make it right" sure applies here...in spades.

[JustJoe]

But Owl, how can you cheat on a cheater? Biblically speaking, isn't revenge a form of justice? One of the bedrock principles of our justice system is to punish the guilty in the same measure as their crimes. (eye for eye, tooth for tooth, blow for blow, and stripe for stripe) How can you rise above retribution, when retribution is specifically sanctioned?

[Owl]

JJ-

 

I'm a Christian, but I usually try to avoid biblical discussions here on LS, for a number of reasons.

 

That's why my advice is normally given from a practical application viewpoint, rather than strictly a moral/religious one.

 

But let's take a look at the "practical application" aspects of your questions.

 

You'd mentioned 'punishment'. Let's start there.

 

What's the 'point' of punishment? Why do we punish our chidren...what do we hope to happen as a result of said punishment? What is the (theoretical) intent of punishing criminals?

 

You smack a child's hand when they reach for the candle to teach them that it hurts...with the intent to teach them not to reach for the candle anymore.

 

To convince them that doing it (whatever 'it' was) again isn't worth the price they pay for doing it.

 

 

If you shot every criminal whoever committed a crime of any offense, I'd grant you that you'd have a lot less crime...but no one would ever have a 'second chance' to learn from their actions, either.

 

So when it comes to "punishing" a cheater...it's best to keep that "goal" in mind, and not shoot the criminal.

 

I believe that there should always be a "consequence" that a WS pay for cheating...or else they never learn and there's a good chance that they will do it again. But if your goal is reconciliation, your 'consequence' can't destroy your chance at recovery either.

 

A revenge affair is far more likely to be the act to destroy any chance to recover a marriage rather than to start a basis for it to do so.

 

So if you're on your way out, and have no intention to recover...then you COULD cheat in a revenge affair...but again, that doesn't make that action any more "right" than the first one. More justified perhaps, but still not any more morally acceptable.

 

I'm of the opinion that when you cheat in a revenge affair, you become the kind of person you're trying to punish. It's like the TV shows where they try to keep from becoming the monsters that they're fighting. If you use the same tactics...you're no better than they are. In fact, you're worse...because you have EXPERIENCED the devestation that you're inflicting on them...you know what it's going to do, whereas they might not have.

 

Punishment should never be about retribution. Revenge is about retribution...punishment is intended to instruct/teach/prevent a recurrence of the event. Retribution is something that someone does to make themselves feel better...punishment SHOULD be something to help the person being punished (even if it doesn't feel like it at the time).

 

Which brings up another point, in my mind. I always fought to ensure that I was never angry/mad when I punished my kids for doing something wrong when they were young. I'd send them to their room, or delay things until I had the chance to cool off...to make sure that the punishment fit the crime, and wasn't overkill just to satisfy my anger.

 

Same thing applies to a revenge affair. It's got nothing to do with punishment...it's only got to do with revenge.

 

The difference between punishment and revenge is what you want the outcome to be.

[JustJoe]

I disagree about your definition of punishment. Yes, punishment for a child is about teaching, but punishment for an adult is about retribution. Example: capital crimes. I also do not think that reconciliation after an affair is the be all and end all. My example was if the BS has no intention of reconciling, and only wants to hurt the WS as bad as they themselves have been hurt. I do believe in forgiveness, but only after the bill has been paid in full.

[Owl]

From my perspective, reconciliation doesn't impact my decision or not to have a revenge affair. I simply view affairs as 'wrong' regardless of the reason, and refuse to participate in one for any reason.

 

ButI think that the difference in our beliefs are likely a key reason why we don't agree on this particular subject.

 

We'll just have to agree to respectfully agree to disagree with each other...agreed? :D :D