JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 When talking about EMA'S, sometimes the BS has a "revenge affair", and is almost universally execrated for it. Why? Without resorting to cliche's (two wrongs don't make a right), etc, what is wrong with a revenge affair? It punishes the WS, restores some of the self-esteem lost by the BS, and puts everybody on the same page relationshipwise. Please give me your opinions, pro and con. Please also, be respectful.
Author JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Possibly....you don't think so?
bentnotbroken Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Possibly....you don't think so? Nope. How does doing something wrong restore (if it is lost) S*E*L*F esteem. The key word being self...from within.
Author JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 In many cases, the BS is left feeling powerless and foolish. Wouldn't a revenge affair be empowering?
Iconoclast Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 In many cases, the BS is left feeling powerless and foolish. Wouldn't a revenge affair be empowering? It might. But it is corrupt. You are still married. You gain more power honoring the marriage. Keeping an oath makes your stronger. You become more powerful by elevating your self, not by lowering others. You are more attractive when strong. You decide. That is power. You did it right. That's your revenge.
Author JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 It might. But it is corrupt. You are still married. You gain more power honoring the marriage. Keeping an oath makes your stronger. You become more powerful by elevating your self, not by lowering others. You are more attractive when strong. You decide. That is power. You did it right. That's your revenge.I basically agree with this, but there are people who must have their "pound of flesh". For them, it is the Principle of "an eye for an eye".
Author JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Dude I know went behind his GF's back and got a BJ from another girl. His GF found out, and his excuse was that BJ'S aren't sex. About 2 weeks later, they were at a party, and she took another guy out and did the same thing, but recorded it on her phone, then she went back inside and gave her BF a big , wet, one, right after su*king the other dude. Then she showed her BF the pic. He was pissed, but she just told him that she thought he said that BJ'S weren't sex. True story , but a vivid illustration of revenge.
BlackLovely Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I basically agree with this, but there are people who must have their "pound of flesh". For them, it is the Principle of "an eye for an eye". I will admit that I am one of these people. I am a sweet and caring woman, but if anyone crosses me, they better watch out, because I will take more than just a pound of flesh. Vindication feels exhilarating and fair to me. I know that this is taking the low road, but I don't care. I have made my abusive mother weep because of my words and my refusal to have her in my life. Come on now, who WOULDN'T enjoy tormenting someone, who stole their childhood with beatings, name calling and put downs? Payback is a bitch.
Author JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 BL, I suspect that a great many other posters, if they were really honest with themselves, would jump at the chance for a little tit-for-tat.
spriggig Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Revenge in this situation comes from an immature mind. The BS believes that the WS has "hurt" them. When it truth all of the emotional pain the BS feels comes from within--stems from the thoughts the BS chose to have. When you put conditions on your love, you set yourself up for pain. The importance of trust in any romantic relationship is proportional to how much one believes that by loving, one deserves to be loved back. Are you entitled to be loved by someone you choose to love and trust? This unhealthy idea taken to extreme is what leads to stalkers killing the objects of unrequited love. Vows of "till death do us part" are foolish, romantic gestures. Pointless really, with the understanding that mature love isn't a gift that is exchanged, it is a warmth that is radiated. In love, revenge is selfish, wasted effort. In the same way that you can't make someone love you, you can't "hurt" them by not loving them.
bentnotbroken Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Revenge in this situation comes from an immature mind. The BS believes that the WS has "hurt" them. When it truth all of the emotional pain the BS feels comes from within--stems from the thoughts the BS chose to have. When you put conditions on your love, you set yourself up for pain. The importance of trust in any romantic relationship is proportional to how much one believes that by loving, one deserves to be loved back. Are you entitled to be loved by someone you choose to love and trust? This unhealthy idea taken to extreme is what leads to stalkers killing the objects of unrequited love. Vows of "till death do us part" are foolish, romantic gestures. Pointless really, with the understanding that mature love isn't a gift that is exchanged, it is a warmth that is radiated. In love, revenge is selfish, wasted effort. In the same way that you can't make someone love you, you can't "hurt" them by not loving them. Only to those who don't believe in the Word of God. Yet agree with you can't make someone love you.
crazycatlady Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Back in my dating days, the guy I was seeing cheated on me with an ex girlfriend. I was really pissed off. I went out and found someone to sleep with and actually had a really great time with the guy. I did do it to hurt my boyfriend and to let him see that his excuse "she made me do it" was flimsy as hell. And I was mad. I have no regret for what I did, but I also wasn't trying to heal that relationship. I think in a relationship you are trying to heal then its a bad idea. CCL
Author JustJoe Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Revenge in this situation comes from an immature mind. The BS believes that the WS has "hurt" them. When it truth all of the emotional pain the BS feels comes from within--stems from the thoughts the BS chose to have. When you put conditions on your love, you set yourself up for pain. The importance of trust in any romantic relationship is proportional to how much one believes that by loving, one deserves to be loved back. Are you entitled to be loved by someone you choose to love and trust? This unhealthy idea taken to extreme is what leads to stalkers killing the objects of unrequited love. Vows of "till death do us part" are foolish, romantic gestures. Pointless really, with the understanding that mature love isn't a gift that is exchanged, it is a warmth that is radiated. In love, revenge is selfish, wasted effort. In the same way that you can't make someone love you, you can't "hurt" them by not loving them.Jeez, Sprig, do you have no expectations at all. I leave "radiated", love to the religious. What I give, I expect to receive, otherwise, I would get a pet. New age crap I leave to Oprah and Dr. Phil.
NoIDidn't Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 The part I don't like about revenge affairs is that it brings an innocent person into the mess of someone else's marriage. I get wanting to have hot, steamy sex to make you feel better - but not the whole affair shabang as "revenge". I completely disagree with that we-are-only-responsible-for-our-responses-to-things logic in "the WS didn't 'hurt' the BS". Yes they did. They hurt them. They hurt themselves. They hurt everyone that came in contact with the mess they did. Imagine hitting someone and telling them you didn't hurt them, but their body's nature pain response hurt them. Disappointment and betrayal are powerful and painful feelings. The person feeling them didn't just make them up. I thought about a RA, but I didn't want to hurt another person. I wanted to hurt my H. I could've accomplished that without bringing another person into the mess.
Woggle Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 The best revenge is living well without them. Nothing drives a betrayer more nuts than that.
You Go Girl Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 In love, revenge is selfish, wasted effort. In the same way that you can't make someone love you, you can't "hurt" them by not loving them. You can't hurt them by not loving them...I'm having trouble with that line. It seems to me that's the most painful way you can hurt someone who you have said you love, is by taking it back. Your new siggy line is very fine...I have high hopes for your future love life now. Your last one was a heartbreaker!
threebyfate Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Revenge affairs are a useless waste of time and emotion. Whoopty-doo, so now you've brought yourself down to the level of the cheater. Wow, how useless and dysfunctional is that?
seren Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Hi Joe, I wouldn't have a revenge A, it would mean I would have to go against my own morals, it would make me feel very, very cheap, it would hurt my H and even more it would hurt me. I understand all about not feeling all that after a WS affair, but, after seeing and meeting OW, it was more a case of WTF was H thinking (or not) and not WTF is wrong with me. Admittedly this took time. Furthermore, after D Day we were all about reconciling, not revenge, so an A by me would have been counterproductive. In my book, A's are decietful, harmful, hurtful and sordid, anything that is done that could hurt another for personal gratification doesn't compute. It would hurt me more to know I had hurt another, just for my own kicks or for my gratification. Besides, if I were to meet someone who meant that much to me, I would leave H and not sleep with him until he was available - I don't do sharing, I think I am worth it and if a man didn't, well he could take a hike. Most importantly, no one and nothing matches what me and H have, A or no A.
Author JustJoe Posted September 12, 2010 Author Posted September 12, 2010 How about if there are two families. The H in one family is having an affair with the W in the other family. What if the two BS'S have a revenge affair? What would be the difference?
seren Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 How about if there are two families. The H in one family is having an affair with the W in the other family. What if the two BS'S have a revenge affair? What would be the difference? No difference, an A is an A no matter who or what, doesn't matter if they live next door or are on different continents. It's just math, One MM (from marriage A) x One MW (from marriage B) x secrets and deciet = an A. It doesn't make it any less an A because they all know each other. In fact the cold nature of a rvenge A just seems oh so sordid and cold. That takes keeping up with the Jones's to a whole other level.
bentnotbroken Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 How about if there are two families. The H in one family is having an affair with the W in the other family. What if the two BS'S have a revenge affair? What would be the difference? Nope, no difference. Wrong is wrong no matter what excuse you wrap it up in.
spriggig Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) You can't hurt them by not loving them...I'm having trouble with that line. It seems to me that's the most painful way you can hurt someone who you have said you love, is by taking it back. Your new siggy line is very fine...I have high hopes for your future love life now. Your last one was a heartbreaker! Denying someone your love is your choice, what they feel because of your denial is their choice. You didn't hurt them, they chose the thoughts that led to feeling hurt. You don't have any magical power over another's emotions--their thoughts and feelings are their own. Observed in isolation, that concept may seem like a denial of responsibility. But, on the other side of the coin you'll find that you shouldn't blame or give credit to others for how you choose to feel. No one has control over your emotions but you--by the thoughts you choose to think. So with that half, this is really a thought process that places responsibility where it belongs--50/50. You're responsible for your half only. Don't beat yourself up for choices they made and don't blame them for choices you made. Choosing to deny someone your love, by shutting off your radiance, leaves you cold too. Revenge affairs are pointless since the only person you can hurt is yourself. Edited September 12, 2010 by spriggig
2.50 a gallon Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 The weekend following my catching my XW kissing the OM, my next door neighbor invited her, the OM and a couple of her MM work mates over to party, while his wife was out of town caring for her sick mother. After she got blitzed drunk they got her to perform a strip for them. The moment that my XW stepped over the line and broke her vows, my vows to her were null and void. We didn't have any kids to complicate things, so I didn't need to wait a year for the state to issue an expensive piece of paper saying I was free. With my help, the next door neighbors wife discovered what happened and this resulted in us having a revenge affair and making him listen through our shared bedroom wall. She was so loud that he was banging his fist on the wall demanding us to keep the noise down, not knowing who my partner was. It was one of the most erotic nights I have ever experienced. After catching my XW I had crashed dived into the bottomless pit of despair. While others spend months and even years climbing out of this pit. Mine lasted about 3 weeks as this one night lifted me from the pit, and I was once again floating above the clouds. This alone made the RA worth it. On the following week, when the wife again took off to visit her mother, the next door neighbor again invited the XW and her OM over to party. This time I was prepared as I suspected this would happen. The XW left the OM at the neighbors and came by our place to get some more of her things. Then she stuck around playing with our kittens and telling me how our separation was for the best, and it was all my fault. When she spotted am empty champaign bottle in the trash, she immediately put 2 and 2 together and knew that she had lost me forever. To see the light go on in her eyes, was as the commercial says "Priceless" This produced a fountain of crockodile tears, and a torrent of "I'm so sorrys", "I'm so stupids", and "Forgive me pleases". How many of you BS who are above having a lowly revenge have ever heard their WS apologize? The second "Priceless" moment occurred when the XW went outside and at the top of her lungs, derided the OM and his sexual abilities to the neighborhood. A third great moment occured a couple of weeks later when the next door neighbors wife served him with a TRO and had her friends help her remove her things. Seeing him sitting in a cop car and turn into a blubbering mess when he too put 2 and 2 together "Priceless". Compared to "living well", there is no comparison. 1
bentnotbroken Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 The weekend following my catching my XW kissing the OM, my next door neighbor invited her, the OM and a couple of her MM work mates over to party, while his wife was out of town caring for her sick mother. After she got blitzed drunk they got her to perform a strip for them. The moment that my XW stepped over the line and broke her vows, my vows to her were null and void. We didn't have any kids to complicate things, so I didn't need to wait a year for the state to issue an expensive piece of paper saying I was free. With my help, the next door neighbors wife discovered what happened and this resulted in us having a revenge affair and making him listen through our shared bedroom wall. She was so loud that he was banging his fist on the wall demanding us to keep the noise down, not knowing who my partner was. It was one of the most erotic nights I have ever experienced. After catching my XW I had crashed dived into the bottomless pit of despair. While others spend months and even years climbing out of this pit. Mine lasted about 3 weeks as this one night lifted me from the pit, and I was once again floating above the clouds. This alone made the RA worth it. On the following week, when the wife again took off to visit her mother, the next door neighbor again invited the XW and her OM over to party. This time I was prepared as I suspected this would happen. The XW left the OM at the neighbors and came by our place to get some more of her things. Then she stuck around playing with our kittens and telling me how our separation was for the best, and it was all my fault. When she spotted am empty champaign bottle in the trash, she immediately put 2 and 2 together and knew that she had lost me forever. To see the light go on in her eyes, was as the commercial says "Priceless" This produced a fountain of crockodile tears, and a torrent of "I'm so sorrys", "I'm so stupids", and "Forgive me pleases". How many of you BS who are above having a lowly revenge have ever heard their WS apologize? The second "Priceless" moment occurred when the XW went outside and at the top of her lungs, derided the OM and his sexual abilities to the neighborhood. A third great moment occured a couple of weeks later when the next door neighbors wife served him with a TRO and had her friends help her remove her things. Seeing him sitting in a cop car and turn into a blubbering mess when he too put 2 and 2 together "Priceless". Compared to "living well", there is no comparison. I didn't have to have an affair to get fake tears and a fake apology. It was offered freely without me having to drop my drawers for anyone. And it was just as fake as yours was. SMH
Joe Normal Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I think it's perfectly fine and justified. A cheater violates the marriage vows in the worst possible way, so once they do that, the deal is off, and you can cheat on them as often as you want. Imagine if you and someone else promise to keep something a secret, but then they tell loads of other people. Are you still honour bound to keep the secret? Hell no. Suppose you have a business deal with someone, then they go off and backstab you by double-dealing with a competitor. Are you still obliged to stick to the deal? No. Marriage is no different - if they betray you, then you can do what you like.
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