forbidden fruit Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I don't know if I should be posting here because I am not a om , but I was along time ago. I hope somebody is familiar with my story. Xmm and I have not talked in over a year. The last thing I told him was if he came near me I would get the authorities involved. I was very close to a nervous breakdown. We live very close to each other even though he moved from across the street. We have both gone out of our way to avoid each other. Our last contact was at a birthday party and we were both superficially cordial. It seemed to be no big deal to him, but I had a very hard time with hiim being near my family. Oh and he was very drunk also so while he used to blame his drinking on me I see now it had nothing to do with me. Which leads us to today. Our kids our friends and they have not played in a long time because of what happened with us. So today they got together and he and I made small talk for awhile. It was the weirdest thing like I was in the Twilight zone. He seemed as if we had just met. He was laughing, trying to impress me and telling me things that I had heard a thousand times. We went through three plus years of hell and it is like he forgot everything. Why I posted is because I want to know other peoples opinion and if they think this is dangerous. It seems as if he entrenched in his family and wife and has moved on I have moved past it and do not feel anything when I see him. Am I being naive? What should I expect. I don't want to be blindsided a second time.
siuys Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 My experience is different and cannot really say for sure but from reading your post, I think it may be dangerous. If you do not want anything to do with him I'd say better make it clear, and not have too much contact. Who wants to go through hell again especially since you now feel nothing and have moved past it... caution will definitely help. Maybe he thinks he can get you in another time? or just flirting and see where you're at? Or maybe he thinks it's fun? You will know. Follow your instincts. If you question his motive, it's probably best to stay away... all the best.
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) You won't be blindsided if you refuse any situations/contacts that might put you in a position to be blindsided. He is not your friend, so there is no need to be his either. We went through three plus years of hell and it is like he forgot everything. Count yourself lucky he is being this way. You were in hell, FF and you escaped. There is no need to look back. Edited September 11, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 i am not completely understanding; you state "I don't know if I should be posting here because I am not a om"; but then you talk about an xmm. are you male or female? i would not analyze this and just let it go. why are you concerned about him and his life. what are you worried about being naive about? I meant I was an ow not a om. I was naive the first time around and did not set boundaries. He was the predator and I was the prey. "He had me at hello"
White Flower Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I don't know if I should be posting here because I am not a om , but I was along time ago. I hope somebody is familiar with my story. Xmm and I have not talked in over a year. The last thing I told him was if he came near me I would get the authorities involved. I was very close to a nervous breakdown. We live very close to each other even though he moved from across the street. We have both gone out of our way to avoid each other. Our last contact was at a birthday party and we were both superficially cordial. It seemed to be no big deal to him, but I had a very hard time with hiim being near my family. Oh and he was very drunk also so while he used to blame his drinking on me I see now it had nothing to do with me. Which leads us to today. Our kids our friends and they have not played in a long time because of what happened with us. So today they got together and he and I made small talk for awhile. It was the weirdest thing like I was in the Twilight zone. He seemed as if we had just met. He was laughing, trying to impress me and telling me things that I had heard a thousand times. We went through three plus years of hell and it is like he forgot everything. Why I posted is because I want to know other peoples opinion and if they think this is dangerous. It seems as if he entrenched in his family and wife and has moved on I have moved past it and do not feel anything when I see him. Am I being naive? What should I expect. I don't want to be blindsided a second time. Be very careful. Out of sight, out of mind really is true but now he is not out of sight. Eventually, you will be tempted by his charm and the old feelings will flair up. My guy had an OW like this, their kids were friends. They still communicate to this day because his kids are still very close to her. I think it was their kids that kept their A alive and well, even when it wasn't alive and well in its own merit. Finally, they drifted apart but only after creating a 20 year history together. I hope this doesn't happen to you. I remember you. Stay strong. Hugs.
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Why I posted is because I want to know other peoples opinion and if they think this is dangerous. It seems as if he entrenched in his family and wife and has moved on I have moved past it and do not feel anything when I see him. Am I being naive? What should I expect. I don't want to be blindsided a second time. It depends... have you told your husband about the affair or are you still hiding? He could change his mind and suddenly remember at any time. This guy has always been somewhat unpredictable... and thrives on attention.
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I don't know if I should be posting here because I am not a om , but I was along time ago. I hope somebody is familiar with my story. Xmm and I have not talked in over a year. The last thing I told him was if he came near me I would get the authorities involved. I was very close to a nervous breakdown. We live very close to each other even though he moved from across the street. We have both gone out of our way to avoid each other. Our last contact was at a birthday party and we were both superficially cordial. It seemed to be no big deal to him, but I had a very hard time with hiim being near my family. Oh and he was very drunk also so while he used to blame his drinking on me I see now it had nothing to do with me. Which leads us to today. Our kids our friends and they have not played in a long time because of what happened with us. So today they got together and he and I made small talk for awhile. It was the weirdest thing like I was in the Twilight zone. He seemed as if we had just met. He was laughing, trying to impress me and telling me things that I had heard a thousand times. We went through three plus years of hell and it is like he forgot everything. Why I posted is because I want to know other peoples opinion and if they think this is dangerous. It seems as if he entrenched in his family and wife and has moved on I have moved past it and do not feel anything when I see him. Am I being naive? What should I expect. I don't want to be blindsided a second time. I wasn't familiar with your history so I went back and looked it up. It sounds like it took you a really, really long time to rid yourself of this guy and all the drama, and it sounds like it's good riddance, so I would think having any contact at all would be dangerous for you, so I would avoid it at all costs.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 I wasn't familiar with your history so I went back and looked it up. It sounds like it took you a really, really long time to rid yourself of this guy and all the drama, and it sounds like it's good riddance, so I would think having any contact at all would be dangerous for you, so I would avoid it at all costs. Thanks for all your great advice. He is the one person I cannot read, but for some reason everyone else can. I know that is another reason to stay away.
BB07 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Thanks for all your great advice. He is the one person I cannot read, but for some reason everyone else can. I know that is another reason to stay away. From reading your back story, you shouldn't care if you can read him or not. STAY AWAY should be the key words here.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 From reading your back story, you shouldn't care if you can read him or not. STAY AWAY should be the key words here. Well I can keep superficial hi goodbye if I see him at school or if our kids are playing. I am giving no indication that what happened with us will ever happen again. I bring my husband whenever possible and if we are ever talking I always say my husband and I. I want him to know I am not vulnerable in my marriage and that door is closed. He did test me on more than one occassion and I just laughed and walked away.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Be very careful. Out of sight, out of mind really is true but now he is not out of sight. Eventually, you will be tempted by his charm and the old feelings will flair up. My guy had an OW like this, their kids were friends. They still communicate to this day because his kids are still very close to her. I think it was their kids that kept their A alive and well, even when it wasn't alive and well in its own merit. Finally, they drifted apart but only after creating a 20 year history together. I hope this doesn't happen to you. I remember you. Stay strong. Hugs. I was just telling one of my friends that I think he will be forever hovering around me. Maybe to remind me of how close I came to losing everything. Thankd for remebering me and thanx for your advice
Hazyhead Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I think you sound emotionally quite healthy, Forbidden. To me it sounds like he may be fishing to reignite, but I don't think you're there with him. Stay this way. Don't let him charm you into giving him more - if he tries, keep in your mind what he put you through. I do think though, that arm's length is better here.
jj33 Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Forbidden I would be careful. Who knows what is going on with him but what you saw yesterday was him trying to be normal in an awkward situation. I think of it as seeing the "pod". I say all the time that often when I see xMM its like hes been replaced by a pod. I see him from time to time at various things and often in the past few months he talks to me as if I were a passing acquaintance. Other times he is very sweet and other times he goes out of his way to provoke me. We never had a situation where I had to call the authorities but the trying to be normal nothing ever happened behavior is meaningless. Its him putting on his best face. Would be nice to think that he could do that all the time but?? I dont recall all of your story but is there any reason why someone other than you cant take the children to the playdates? Its only dangerous to you if you feel that you could be drawn back in or if it makes you uncomfortable. The children have played together now, school has just started again, they neednt play together again until the spring. I would not make this a regular event. You dont need the stress of worrying about his drinking and what his next move may be
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Which leads us to today. Our kids our friends and they have not played in a long time because of what happened with us. So today they got together and he and I made small talk for awhile. It was the weirdest thing like I was in the Twilight zone. Keep it that way. He isn't your friend. You are not his. You are not obligated to have ANY conversation with him unless it has to do with your children. He seemed as if we had just met. He was laughing, trying to impress me and telling me things that I had heard a thousand times. We went through three plus years of hell and it is like he forgot everything. He's a complete idiot and it's best to leave it at that. Don't worry, don't think, don't wonder. It doesn't matter anymore. Why I posted is because I want to know other peoples opinion and if they think this is dangerous. It seems as if he entrenched in his family and wife and has moved on I have moved past it and do not feel anything when I see him. Am I being naive? What should I expect. I don't want to be blindsided a second time. It's only dangerous if you allow your feelings for him to come back. Or if you start hanging out with him more and more. DON'T. IF he feels something for you, who cares? You are over him, yes? Then this shouldn't be an issue. Why would you be blindsided a second time? Even more so if you're completely over him and you don't want him in your life? Go on like you did before you saw him. Live life, and put him out of your mind. He's not worth thinking about, or trying to figure out. Next time you start to wonder, cut yourself off and TELL yourself, "WHO CARES!"
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 I want him to know I am not vulnerable in my marriage and that door is closed. He did test me on more than one occassion and I just laughed and walked away. The only way you will show him you're not vunerable, not going to fall for his crap is to ignore him. Converations about the kids, that's it. Anything else he says, ignore it and most of all, don't acknowledge or react. Even laughing feeds him and his ego. Silence can say much more in a situation like this. The door is closed = NO reaction or conversation whatsoever. Do NOT talk to him about anything, even if he asks, or hints. IGNORE.
bentnotbroken Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 It depends... have you told your husband about the affair or are you still hiding? He could change his mind and suddenly remember at any time. This guy has always been somewhat unpredictable... and thrives on attention. Exactly. I remember her story well and I have wondered whether she ever found the courage to honor her husband with the truth.
GreenEyedLady Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Well I can keep superficial hi goodbye if I see him at school or if our kids are playing. No Forbidden Fruit you cannot. I remember you and your story and posted numerous times, to numerous threads. This guy draws you like a moth to a flame. I still think you should move, no matter the cost. ESPECIALLY because your H does not know the entire truth. If you're happy with your H now, this guy could really screw that up for you. You don't have to talk to him or anything like that. I don't get why he is always the one you are dealing with about the kids. Where is W? If your kids want to be friends with his kids, I think I'd start going through the W or your kids won't be playing with them. They should be alot older now too and parents don't need to be hanging around together since you're not friends. I think that's weird. My kids have neighborhood friends and I never see their parents. They either play at my house or at the neighbor's house and the parents just supervise at their home. I would stay away from him if I liked my life the way it is. GEL
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 FF, I CANNOT believe that you are even asking this question. NC and finally rid of him after EVERYTHING you went through, questioning yourself, the push and pull back and forth. Staring out of the window while he and his family decorated for Christmas ect... ect... ect.... I'm sorry that you reconnected with him at all. It seems you would be SO VERY relieved to have all of that behind you. NO, you can't handle it, WHY should you, WHY would you want to. That's like a crack addict saying maybe a small line won't hurt me. Celebrate your freedom by keeping NC and avoiding even simple pleasantries with this man. He told you the same stories you've heard over and over like nothing had ever happened because THAT is his MO! You witnessed him using it on other women as well if I remember right. He's no good, honey, stay away!
lkjh Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 Forbidden for years you were obsessed with this guy, you treated your husband and kids like dirt while going after him, you have never really ended your affair because you were always randomly falling back into it, and all of your old post were about him and there was rarely ever anything about your family. Everyone who followed your thread could describe the other mans personality in detail but we knew nothing of your H and kids. You even put all of your post in the OW/OM forum instead of infidelity because you have always seen your self as the OW to the MM and his wife not as the wife betraying her family. I knew you would be back here because you refused to come clean to with your H. You need to come clean because otherwise you are just postponing the ultimate destruction of your family
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 14, 2010 Author Posted September 14, 2010 FF, I CANNOT believe that you are even asking this question. NC and finally rid of him after EVERYTHING you went through, questioning yourself, the push and pull back and forth. Staring out of the window while he and his family decorated for Christmas ect... ect... ect.... I'm sorry that you reconnected with him at all. It seems you would be SO VERY relieved to have all of that behind you. NO, you can't handle it, WHY should you, WHY would you want to. That's like a crack addict saying maybe a small line won't hurt me. Celebrate your freedom by keeping NC and avoiding even simple pleasantries with this man. He told you the same stories you've heard over and over like nothing had ever happened because THAT is his MO! You witnessed him using it on other women as well if I remember right. He's no good, honey, stay away! You are exactly right. I will keep it really basic. I actually laughed at one of his jokes and thought what the heck am I doing. I do not want to feed his ego and if I give him an inch he takes a mile. As you say that is his MO. I can't believe how some men compartmentalize things. Both times when I left his house after picking my kids up he looked into the car to see if I would react and I looked straight ahead as if he did not exist. It is not a good feeling seeing him after all this time, but it is what it is. Hopefully next time he will be at work and I can deal with his wife. I am not going to lie everytime I see him it is like reliving your worst nightmare!!
Owl Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 You are exactly right. I will keep it really basic. I actually laughed at one of his jokes and thought what the heck am I doing. I do not want to feed his ego and if I give him an inch he takes a mile. As you say that is his MO. I can't believe how some men compartmentalize things. Both times when I left his house after picking my kids up he looked into the car to see if I would react and I looked straight ahead as if he did not exist. It is not a good feeling seeing him after all this time, but it is what it is. Hopefully next time he will be at work and I can deal with his wife. I am not going to lie everytime I see him it is like reliving your worst nightmare!! The only way to end the nightmare is to remove him from your life, completely, totally, and utterly. Have you considered what it would take to accomplish this?
whichwayisup Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 How old are your kids now? I can't remember.. Sorry. Do not engage in laughing or reaction with him. Be nice, and to the point, drop the kids off, pick them up, if he comes to talk to you, put the kids in the car and tell him you have to go. You owe him NOTHING.
bentnotbroken Posted September 14, 2010 Posted September 14, 2010 The only way to end the nightmare is to remove him from your life, completely, totally, and utterly. Have you considered what it would take to accomplish this? I don't' see much progress in that situation at all. I believe you move heaven and earth to save your family from all threats, including the ones next door.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 Right. I wonder how her husband will react when he finds out about this affair. I feel like very uneasy about this comment, like it is a threat?
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 17, 2010 Author Posted September 17, 2010 How old are your kids now? I can't remember.. Sorry. Do not engage in laughing or reaction with him. Be nice, and to the point, drop the kids off, pick them up, if he comes to talk to you, put the kids in the car and tell him you have to go. You owe him NOTHING. Tonight was such a nightmare!! We were stuck in the same room at a school function for an hour and he tried to make comments at me, was staring at me with his wife there and also rolled his eyes if someone acknowledged me. He was standing right near me and when I moved he moved so he could see me. It was absolutely unnerving and when I was leaving he and his wife started small talk with me and I excused myself right away. Totall creepy. He was making jokes around me and everytime I moved away he would find me and say some snide comment. I know you are going to ask where my husband was in all of this he was watching my kids.
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