MZT Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) Hi, I'm new here and looking for some advice or someone else's point of view. My spouse and I been together for 14 years, have 3 children, I'm 34, he is 40. We have a really good family happening, we hit some bumps along the road, but nothing like the latest one. Here is what happend: 2 months ago, my spouse (HE) talk to me about "a girl" that ocasionally works for him and said how nice, happy-go-lucky, hippie kind of girl she is and wants to hava a child soon because of her age (33), he joke about making her the baby, but I didn't get upset even though I though that was terrible humor. A week later I went to spend the night with him at a rental house he is renovating, he ask me if I wanted to meet her by the time I got there she was already there, they drank tequila (not me I'm breastfeeding) and she smoked pot also, the whle night they were flirting with each other and I acted like the "cool" wife, he even massage her feet/legs infront of me when we were sitting at the table, we all went to bed and we started to make out...all of the sudden he asked me "should we invite her to join us?" I wasn't expecting that and it took me a few seconds to come up with an answer and i said "if you want" he said "no, if you want" I said "you R asking so do it if you really want" he got up naked with a hard on and walk over there I called him and stopped him from doing it. In the morning she hang out with us until 1 pm, he told her we'll be at the lake by 6 pm, when she said good bye to me it was a quick one and from far, I went outside and saw them hugging good bye, he saw me and got worry (I can tell his face expresions) when he came inside we had an argument, at the end he said that he wanted a threesome for "me" blah, blah, blah but said he will forget about that and cut contact with her unless he needed her for work. When I got to the lake, he was already there and so was she, laying down beside each other (a foot away) in her bikini, and both drinking tequila, I had to run a round with the baby while my heart was breaking as I so them looking like they were dating. A week went by, I hate to say it but I spy on his cellphone, I found out that he lied to me and they were still in contact (about 3 calls, 4 text a day) finally I "busted him talking on his cell with her, and denied it, I got a hold of his ceel and sure enough her number pop up when I pushed redial, I gave his phone back and call him a lier, then he saw me mad. We argued in the bathroom, he convinced me that it was a bout work...her boss (my spouses buddy was in Thailand) she was left in charge of somethings and needed help, at the end he talk me into a threesome and we started texting her (she thought it was only him) I took advantage and asked her some questions to find out what was in her head, I asked her if she wanted to start with a "duo", a "threesome" or to "watch"...she text back: "a duo with you". We invited her over to hang out at the reno place, they drank and flirt, we went to bed and made out then I stopped and "dare" him to go over--wait for me---then I was supossed to give him a BJ, that was it, but it didn't happend, he didn't go (I felt good). The next morning, she faked (I'm sure) that she twisted her neck, so she got a massage out af "him" and then he call me and said "you give really good massages honey" help her out, I did for like 10 min. then he did a full body masage on her, but nothing else happend, that day. 2 days later it was my daughter's 13 birthday and was having a girlfriend and her gramp's (close friends of us) over, the rest was just family (gramas, uncle, cousin and sister and baby brother). By the time my spouse call me and asked me if we should invite "her" for dinner and cake, I already had (keep your friends close and your enemies closer), she showed up at 6 pm, he wasn't home yet,when he got there our DD asked him to take her, her sister and her girlfrind to the river to jump into it once and back home, he invited the other guy that was there and right away said "are you coming *****"? I said no, she can't go on that trail her neck is really bad, she didn't said nothing but when they got into the car she got in it to. The 2 of them drank Tequila, he was taking "good care" of her all evening, his mom and berother left, we sat at the firepit and he stood beside her the whole time chatting away. I couldn't take it, and got really jelous seing all the attentions he had with her that night, so I called him in to "help me", I told him: "stop giving her alcohol so she can sober up and drive home" he said:"she had a lot already, and I already told her to crash in the RV" I told him "what? you offer her to stay the night at our house without even telling?" he said: "you're the one that invited her"! Me: "yes, to have dinner and cake, not to get drunk and sleep over", I want her to go home! he fricked out and walk away, the other couple that was there was leaving (11sh) I started to help the girls with their beds, and my mother (was visiting from overseas), then I took the baby to bed for the second time. He came and said they will wait for me to come out and hang out, when I came out she was smoking pot, then we went into the RV and hang out at about 2 am the baby woke up (baby monitor was on) so I went to bed, he came in and asked me if aI was going to come back, I said "no, I'm to tired, need to sleep to take care of the kids tomorrow", he said"I'll go give her a rub in the neck and say good night and I'll come to bed; about 1.5 hrs. I woke up and he wasn't in bed, I went to the RV and when I was goint to open the door the whole RV shooke (*I had the worst feeling) I open it and I didn't like what I saw: she was lying down on the bed-feet pointing towards the door wearing only a G-string, he was sitting on her ass rubbing her body with his hands and "slamming his *** onto her once in a while (that's why the camper shooked), he was wearing only his underwear, when he heard the door open he slid as soon as he could of her butt, I came in--he said "is the baby asleep?" me: yes, oh I forgot to turn the monitor on and I left, I came back 5 min. later and she was on her back with her hands covering her bubs, I sat there, nothing was said, then I lied and said "I think I heard the baby and left. He came to my bed. and said something then I blew up, he argued that I wanted the threesome, I argued that that wasn't a threesome and that I wanted her out that night, he said he wasn't going to "fu** her just massage her, and that she smells like fish, I said bull**** plus you don't even have condoms you dumb a** we argued the same over and over for about 20 min. she went home at 9 am before we woked up. tablOne day she phone me to invite me to a movie on the beach with the kids, he pretended not to know but I found out in his text that he told her to invite me, she did as she felt she should 'cause he lend her $1000 to paid some guy she owned $ to. That was the only time she ever phone me. They kept in contact for the next few weeks, I found in his cell that he had taking her on his ninja bike for a ride (picked her up at her place and went to see the other friend she works for), also had planned to take 2 buds and her out in his boat (he lied and said he didn't invite her, the other guy did), he had planned going out to the drag races with friends and she was the only girl going, he lied about and said: maybe shell be there but I'm not taking her: we argued on the phone that day, I said I told I'm out off this threesomething I want nothing to do wih her, she is lying saying she only wants to be your friend and my friend, she never even call me once, Him: she has no time, she works alot, me: but she calls you and test you 3-4X a day? don't you see it she wants you, she does no efford to be my friend, how can I make you understand I'm out. A few min. later (I'M not kidding) she phones home, I didn't want to answer so she leaves me a messege "HI, I'm calling to invite you to the drags, call me when U can". She called back at night, I answered and I told her I didn't feel like going, her" oh really, well call me if U change your mind, I want to go but it's not for sure because I'm really busy that's why I don't call you, don't think it is because I don't want to be your friend, blah, blah, (notice it is exactly what I told him few hrs. before). One night I fially told him how hurt I was with all this lies, and him insisting on that "friendship" even though I was getting trashed; I told him I've seem his cellphoe and the texts, I asked him to stopped it, he didn't gave me an answer. I left the room saying: "you hang out with people that don't want me or I don't want, and I'll do the same" hello you are already doing it!!! (he said that to me a week befopre to stop me from going to a BBQ). I went to sleep on the couch and he came, we talked, finally he said he was going to cut it out and call her only for work....I believed him. I couln't find any more text or calls between them, she did phoned and text a few times but he didn't replied (that's what he said). 2 weeks went by and he asked me if we could take her and his bud (the one she works for) on the boat....because he trashed the jetski her boss was going to pay her with and ruin the rest of her summer....I said ok. the day before I back out and told him to take them himself...he did, he left friday night to sleep at the reno where the boat is stored and didn't call at all to ask for the kids (he does regularly during the day) 11:30 pm I showed up at the reno they were having dinner and drinking (the 3 of them) I came back outside, left the kids inside, he came and I thew the wedding ring at him, run to the vehicle and burned out (just for a couple blocks) he fricked because I has the baby with me and started texting me, I told him I was leaving, that he was never going to end it with her, and I was scared to go on my own but I was serious, my mother wanted me to go back to my country with her (she only knows what obvious), he asked me to stay, said that he does love me, wants the family to stay together, and doesn't want to loose what took 14 years to build, said she means nothing to him is just fun and friendship. I stayed, but it is really hard to even try again, I don't know when or if I'm going to find more calls or text, or if down the road when the kids are gone and when I'm not this age or look like this he is going to trade me in for a newer model. I never had this problem before, I thought we were going to get old together, and I always told everybody that he was different, one of a kind, and that I'll put my hands in the fire for him. We've had great sex life, except while I was pregnant 2008-9 and not so oftenfor the first few months after giving birth, I work hard into getting back to my original shape and did it, and honestly, even though I had three kids, I still look pretty good. I guess some of my questions are: Is it possible that he does love me and she was just that--- "fun" Was it my fault? He insist that, he didn't penetrated her that night in the RV and therefore he didn't cheat on me, Is that how it works? Is it possible to continue this marrige and one day heal and live happy again? He never lied to me before (at least that's qhat I think) Do you ever regain trust? Sorry for the long post, any input will be appreciated. Edited September 11, 2010 by MZT
imagine Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 His boundaries are very loose. You are enabling him. I think that no one has the right to message another woman when they are married. He is exploiting his own and others sexuality. I am sure that the woman is FUN. I doubt that he would have a life relationship but he is eroding your trust and making it easier for him to leave you. This is enough for him to stop his behaviour. Bust him by having him take a polygraph. Let him see that he wants to commit infidelity. This is for him. Publicize this info. You already have too much information on his activity. No more contact with OW. Quit his job if necessary. Divorce is WAY more expensive. Your standards are plural. Plural standards change in this world. Read the Bible, it never changes.
Author MZT Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Imagine,thanks for your reply. I decided not to tell anyone we know about this, that is why I'm asking here on line. You are right in a lot of things about me and him, some are not clear thought. By this you mean he hasn't cheat on me? Bust him by having him take a polygraph. Let him see that he wants to commit infidelity. what do you mean by this:Publicize this info. You already have too much information on his activity.
BellaBellaBella Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 MZT, The idea of making him take a polygraph is just as much for your piece of mind as it is for him to face reality. Had you thought or talked of threesome's before? Did you have a healthly sex life? He needs to understand he really disrespected you. I once read somewhere agreeing to a threesome, may lead the other two to feel they have a right to a relationship outside the original 3. It seems like your husband has taken advantage of your good nature. By exposing to everyone what has gone on, it allows them to not hide behide others. Makes them less able to hide from others. His best bud isn't your friend if he was involved in hiding all this or a a friend to the marriage. I would also let him know her calling you and speaking his exact words doesn't fool you. He needs to be transparent to you with all texts and all contact between the two needs to be cut off. Seems like he has tried to turn this all on you, as he was DOING IT FOR YOU. You need to make it clear this was never what you wanted, when he is sober and not high. He has a choice to make you or this woman.
young&inlove Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 January of this year was the worst month of my life. My husband cheated on me with my best friend. About a week before the cheating happened he tried to do the EXACT thing your hubs is trying to do to you. I have talked to my husband about it all over and over again. He told me he wanted us to have a threesome with her because then I would be ok with what he was feeling towards her. We didn’t have a threesome and so his "problem" wasn’t solved. One day when I was sleeping UPSTAIRS, he had her come over and he had sex with her. I could have died. I was crushed. I NEVER want anyone to go through the pain and heartache that I did 8 months ago. I am not going to tell you that you should have a threesome or anything like that, but you do need to lay down the law. Tell him if anything happens between him and this woman that it would be over. You are letting him run wild. I understand the wanting to be the cool wife or whatever but truth be told, you are older than that. You don’t need pot, alcohol or any of that to make you look like a good choice. If he doesn’t lay down the law to her, than if I were you, I would confront her on it. Tell her its over and he is your man. NO it is not your fault. This is his fault and her fault for letting a married man do that to her. They are not "just friends" at all. He may have not cheated YET but there are intentions I can promise you. The only way you two will be happy is if you go to MC and work through his feelings for this other woman. End the lies now before you and your children are hurt.
Author MZT Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 Thank you BelleBellaBella for your input. Had you thought or talked of threesome's before? Did you have a healthly sex life?. Sometimes when we had sex, there is some dirty talk, I know a lot of men likes the idea of being with 2 girls at the same time, (I'm not bi so, the talk was about him and us not me and the girl) other than that we've never talk about a threesome. He needs to understand he really disrespected you. I once read somewhere agreeing to a threesome, may lead the other two to feel they have a right to a relationship outside the original 3.. You are right, but when he convince me of it, I made it clear for him that it was going to be the 3 of us present, but my suspicions that I was being used to approved their "friendship", "hanging out alone" and being intimate" so that he wouldn't feel he was cheating on me came back, I told him to forget about it, that I was out because that wasn't just fun/friendship and that I could see it was turning into a relationship. Practically he wanted my approval to cheat on me. It seems like your husband has taken advantage of your good nature.. Thanks for the compliment, it's appreciated. I've never been the jelous kind of wife, and I do fel he took advantage of that. But like I told him:"one thing is to not be jelous, another is to be stupid". By exposing to everyone what has gone on, it allows them to not hide behide others. Makes them less able to hide from others. His best bud isn't your friend if he was involved in hiding all this or a a friend to the marriage.. I've decided to not tell people we know about this because after all, he is the father of my children and aside from this fiasco he has always been an amazing person and I won't take that from my kids. I really don't know what happend to him, "midlife crisis"? In this town eveybody that knows him respects him and thinks highly of him. He is not his best bud, just a work contact/recent bud. He used to be her boyfriend and lived together for 7 years, now she is just an employee. I don't think he new about what was going on unless she told him, but he has to be really stupid to not notice they were hanging out alone way to much and that it wasn't right being that he is married. I would also let him know her calling you and speaking his exact words doesn't fool you. I did right away, and also told him he insulted my inteligence with that, he denies he told her to phone me...I think she said the same words back to me onpurpose, because I'm sure he told her to be smooth. He needs to be transparent to you with all texts and all contact between the two needs to be cut off. Seems like he has tried to turn this all on you, as he was DOING IT FOR YOU. You need to make it clear this was never what you wanted, when he is sober and not high.. Contact wa stopped about 4 weeks ago, until sept sept 1st. when he call tehm to invite them boating (which I agreed) and sept 4 the actual lake trip...the day I blew up and told him I was leaving. Since then they haven't been in contact (at least ther eis no trace). He did turn it on me, that is he's arguemnt that it was for me and that I agreed to it. And I did agreed to it after he started it but change my He does not get high, she does. He started drinking (ocasionally) about 4 years ago and convinced me to tried but 2 is my limit and I'm firm on it, I don't see the point of damaging your body like that, put up with a hang over and more ridiculous to eat organic food and avoid a whole bunch of ingredients in foods if I'm going to poison myself with alcohol. He has a choice to make you or this woman. The choice is easy, a drunkn stoner, with lots of piercings and tattoos ion her ass, shoulder and leg is not the kind of girl he would proudly introduce as his s/o or wife, but she thinks she's got a chance, what she doesn't know is that he starting to see who she really is, specially after his buddy told my him that they split up because she cheated on him and he found out 3 years later when he confess to her that he was falling for someone on line (practically she got hurt and wanted to hurt him back by confessing) At the beginning my husband picture her as a really nice hippiesh girl that was honest and fun, but he's founding out alot more that she didn't tell him. The point is: It is sad that I have to get to the extreme (leaving) for him to react and come back to reality, what if she was actual "competition" for me? he told me that even if I leave, he would't end up with her, that it wasn't what he was after.... and I know it. He also said it musted been that he felt fluttered that a 33 year old girl will be interested in him (40), I said "Hello"??? I'm only 1 year older than her doesn't it flutter you that I have devoted the last 14 years to you, to raised our DDs, that I believe/practice attachment parenting, homeschooled our DDs, drive them to gymnasctis and figure skating M-F, homewater birth our son in your hands, manage to keep the family healthy and away from pharmaceuticals (never used them in 14 years), cook from scrath to protect you from allergens (he's got a lot of food allergies) and still exercise and take care of my self so when you come home and the kids are in bed we can get it on like there's no tomorrow, we have lived unplug from the media for 10 years (no tv channels, we did it for our kids) now you go tell her to do all these for you and raised that baby she wants to have like I"ve raised ours, and while you're at it tell her you'll loose all you're $$$ and properties including your toys, that you'll give them to me (after all, we build most of it together)and you'll start over with her, we'll see if the fact that you are fun, nice and look like you are in your late 20's will be enough for her to stay. Wowwww I'm feeling much better, sorry for the long posts, I really needed to let it out, Thanks
Author MZT Posted September 13, 2010 Author Posted September 13, 2010 January of this year was the worst month of my life. My husband cheated on me with my best friend. About a week before the cheating happened he tried to do the EXACT thing your hubs is trying to do to you. I have talked to my husband about it all over and over again. He told me he wanted us to have a threesome with her because then I would be ok with what he was feeling towards her. We didn’t have a threesome and so his "problem" wasn’t solved. One day when I was sleeping UPSTAIRS, he had her come over and he had sex with her. I could have died. I was crushed. I NEVER want anyone to go through the pain and heartache that I did 8 months ago. . I'm very sorry this happend to you, I understand what you are saying, I never tought it will hurt so much, I do feel he cheated on me, what I saw in the RV was sexual, and like I said what was happening was not a friendship, it was a relationship....they were dating infront of me. I know things changed and he was "sexually neglected" during my pregnancy and that during the 10? months after birth it wasn't as often as it used to be before I got preg. (our son is 14 months old now), he says he wanted to turn me on some how and she was available and for it. I am not going to tell you that you should have a threesome or anything like that, but you do need to lay down the law. Tell him if anything happens between him and this woman that it would be over. You are letting him run wild. I understand the wanting to be the cool wife or whatever but truth be told, you are older than that. You don’t need pot, alcohol or any of that to make you look like a good choice. If he doesn’t lay down the law to her, than if I were you, I would confront her on it. Tell her its over and he is your man. I was letting him run wilde but I though the line was clear and common sence, I was very lineant with him having fun (with his buds), jumping waves in the ocean and break his jetski and come home all bit up (he likes adrenalin) and stuff like that, going boating with his buds at least o nce in the summer (I like giving him space), but he went overboard and abused the freedom I gave him. You missunderstood, I don't rely on drugs or alcohol for him to like me(I'm not the pot head, she is), I never drank until I was 30, and do it ocasionally and 2 is my limit, tequila/mix only(months can go by and I don't need a drink) none when I was preg./I'm still nursing my 14 month old. The only way you two will be happy is if you go to MC and work through his feelings for this other woman. End the lies now before you and your children are hurt. The day I said I was leaving, he told me we should go to MC, I honestly don't believe in that, but I think I'll give it a try even though he denies any feelings for her other than the idea of a threesome was exciting, I don't think he is in love with her or that he'll ever be, but wonder what was it that made him lied to keep in contact with her when he never did before, was it desire? lust? whatever it was it's too late I got hurt. We're both working on making it work and it is going well..other than trust is gone and I see him different now. Thanks letting it out realy helps me at the moment.
imagine Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 Imagine,thanks for your reply. I decided not to tell anyone we know about this, that is why I'm asking here on line. You are right in a lot of things about me and him, some are not clear thought. By this you mean he hasn't cheat on me? what do you mean by this:Publicize this info. You already have too much information on his activity. He definitely cheated. You should be jealous over your marriage. There should also be consequences for misbehavior: Advertising! While you are willing to keep mum, his behaviour is fine by him. How would his work respond? His parent, your friends. Do not with hold the effect of his betrayal. Let him feel the strain! Beware, he will be angry.
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