Spotless Mind Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Hi, I was hoping to get some advice on how to handle a younger sister who has decided to move to another state and marry a guy she has only known for 4 months. The guy seems a little shady since they met at a bar where he works and had a girlfriend at the time who he broke up with for her. There's a lot more to this story... Three months ago my dad died leaving just us girls, my mom, sister (22), and I (29). We are all still dealing with his death and depression in our own ways and haven't even been communicating well with each other. I try to call and visit as much as I can but I live 1 1/2 hours away so I can't always be there to give my mom support. My sister lives with her but she only comes home to shower, do laundry, etc... She's always either at work, at her boyfriend's place or at the bar. I personally don't understand how she can leave my mom alone night after night to be with her boyfriend when my mom is so depressed and barely has motivation to get out of bed. She is so alone and the rest of our family live further away than I do. My sister can't even spend one full day or night with my mom and barely ever stays to eat dinner when my mom actually has the energy to make dinner. This devastates her. When my sister told me her boyfriend got orders to move to another state and that she was going with him, I didn't know what to say I was so shocked. The timing could not be worse. She also told me the reason they are getting married is to get housing money through the Navy. The worst part is that she has made this same mistake in the past! When she was 18 right after she graduated high school, she moved to Alaska (drove there) with her boyfriend of 6 months saying they were getting married. We all thought it was a bad idea back then, including my dad but let her go knowing she would do it anyway. She was only there for 5 months before he broke up with her and was back home a mess. When I try to tell her she's moving too fast again she gets very defensive and upset, and just walks away. She hasn't even told my mom that she's planning on getting married this time so I'm the one who has to handle this situation the best that I can. She's a very hard person to talk seriously to because she's moody and shuts down if you don't agree with what she's doing. Since my dad died, I feel like I'm the one who has to protect the family because I'm the most emotionally stable and the oldest child. I don't want this responsibility because I have my own issues and nursing school to deal with but I have no choice if I want to salvage what's left of my family. Any thoughts, opinions, or advice would be greatly appreciated.
DaisyLeigh Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) It is none of your business. She needs to live her own life. Would you like it if she meddled in your life like that? Don't get me wrong. I am sure that you love your sister and only want the best. But you must let go. Your mother needs professional help if she cannot even function with the most basic of things. I am sorry about the loss of your dad. My SIL died last week and she was the rock of my husband's family. Edited September 11, 2010 by DaisyLeigh
Author Spotless Mind Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 It is none of your business. She needs to live her own life. Would you like it if she meddled in your life like that? Don't get me wrong. I am sure that you love your sister and only want the best. But you must let go. I don't know why it's so hard for me to let her go.. but you're right, she does need to live her own life.
jimrich Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 As a sibling myself I can only offer that all of the behavior and relationship between my siblings and I was set up and molded by our parents with their behavior, role modeling and attitudes/beliefs. Much of what we were taught and programed with was bad, negative and unhappy but we have some how come through in recent years as friends. re: I personally don't understand how she can .... There was and still is a lot of that 'I don't understand' thing between us because we were not taught to accept and 'understand' each other as kids. We were trained to criticize, condemn and judge each other as contestants, but not allowed to be loving, supportive siblings by our troubled parents. re: When I try to tell her she's moving too fast again she gets very defensive and upset, and just walks away. ... That's about bad communications which, for us, began by not being taught how to communicate in friendly, supportive and loving ways so we often had a bad attitude with each other over nearly everything and mostly over advise and lectures on our poor behavior. She hasn't even told my mom that she's planning on getting married this time so I'm the one who has to handle this situation the best that I can. ... The oldest kid is often given the job of alternate parent but not trained to do it very well so resentment and hostility comes in. She's a very hard person to talk seriously to because she's moody and shuts down if you don't agree with what she's doing. ... And these are all defensive tools she learned from her parents since early childhood to cope in life. Since my dad died, I feel like I'm the one who has to protect the family because I'm the most emotionally stable and the oldest child. I don't want this responsibility because I have my own issues and nursing school to deal with but I have no choice if I want to salvage what's left of my family. .. Yes you do have a choice but it will go against your early conditioning as the oldest-responsible kid/alternate parent in the family. My poor brother had that job as the oldest and it cause serious trouble for us kids. We had scary viscous fights! Any thoughts, opinions, or advice would be greatly appreciated. .... search in books or on line for family and sibling subjects or seek counseling to both understand how all this happened and what to do about it. Solving problems is the whole point and I wish you good luck solving this one.
BellaBellaBella Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 She young. She is in love. While you don't approve of what she is doing, perhaps she is having problems coping with your Father's death. Perhaps she runs out the door so she doesn't have to think about it. She doesn't deal with your mother because to do so would mean facing her own sadness. None of this makes it right. Marrying someone and moving away to be with them however isn't about you or your Mother. It is about her and her right as an adult to have a life. You don't have to approve of it. However, you may lose your sister if you don't try and look at things from her view. For me moving away from my healthy parents and sister to be married was seen a betrayal. I go every year and see them. They don't do the same for me. They still let me know I gave up certain rights when I married my hubs 10 years ago. They pushed me away from them. No your sister's situation doesn't seem ideal. However, it seems like it is happening. So figure out a way to work through it.
Author Spotless Mind Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 re: When I try to tell her she's moving too fast again she gets very defensive and upset, and just walks away. ... That's about bad communications which, for us, began by not being taught how to communicate in friendly, supportive and loving ways so we often had a bad attitude with each other over nearly everything and mostly over advise and lectures on our poor behavior. You were right on the mark with this, jimrich. My parents didn't even communicate well with each other, let alone us kids. Growing up, we hardly ever talked about anything that was really going on in our lives or how we felt. A lot of the communications between all of us consisted of arguing or being negative toward each other in one way or another, joking or serious. I thought I had come to terms with all of this but it seems as though I still have a lot more work to do. Thanks for your input, jimrich, and for helping me to see things in perspective.
Author Spotless Mind Posted November 26, 2010 Author Posted November 26, 2010 None of this makes it right. Marrying someone and moving away to be with them however isn't about you or your Mother. It is about her and her right as an adult to have a life. You don't have to approve of it. However, you may lose your sister if you don't try and look at things from her view. You're right, I do need to see her side of things. I think the way I've handled the situation so far has driven her further away from me. She moves next week so there isn't much time for me to mend things with her but I will try before I lose her forever. I'm so sorry that your family pushed you away. I have to give you praise for being the bigger person and visiting them every year despite them not visiting you.
amerikajin Posted November 26, 2010 Posted November 26, 2010 You're right, I do need to see her side of things. I think the way I've handled the situation so far has driven her further away from me. She moves next week so there isn't much time for me to mend things with her but I will try before I lose her forever. I'm so sorry that your family pushed you away. I have to give you praise for being the bigger person and visiting them every year despite them not visiting you. Your instincts may be right about her choice of partners. I suspect she might be making a mistake, but that is hers to make, so let her make it and live with the consequences. And it's important to keep that issue separate from the issue of whether it is 'right' to leave you and your mom at this time. There is no reason why your sister can't still be supportive of your mother, even if she isn't that close physically. She can still call. She can still participate in the family, albeit from a distance. However, as you have pointed out, if you try to control and manipulate her, that will make it much harder for her to do that. You have to back away and try to be graceful about it. You don't have to like her decision to leave, nor do you have to agree with it, and you can even be frank about that - once. But once you've made your feelings known, move on and accept that she's an adult who can make her own decisions in life, provided she is willing to accept the consequences.
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