We broke up, but I feel like he was cheating...

[pandagirl]

Ugh. I haven't been able to shake this feeling.

 

My suspicions of my ex-bf cheating stem back to my last visit. It was a bad visit, but there were circumstances that made it bad: I have herpes and had an outbreak, he was working a lot, I was going through some depression issues.

 

Now, I was ready for some affection, but he was extremely distant. One night I asked him about it, and he was like, "You know I'm attracted to you!" And I said, "Yeah, but you seem uninterested and you haven't had sex for three months... right?"

 

His reply? A casual, "Yeah baby."

 

That's all it took for me to thinking he was lying.

 

I have nothing else to go on, except he was behaving distant about two week to my visit, but I also know he was on crazy deadlines and working nonstop.

 

Even though we broke up last week, I feel an obsessive urge to contact him about this and ask him for the truth.

 

Is this a bad idea?

[atlnay]

Yes...very!

[Citizen Erased]

Please, for the love of God, do NOT. That isn't proof. You're obsessing now and you are going to make things a million times worse for yourself if you contact him with this.

[Land Shark]

Please, for the love of God, do NOT. That isn't proof. You're obsessing now and you are going to make things a million times worse for yourself if you contact him with this.

 

I give this post a 6. Invoking God and using all caps for "NOT" convey real feeling, but there's still a lack of conviction. I think you could do a bit more to sell this idea, even if you don't quite buy into it yourself. And you might even be able to do it without the exaggeration ("a million" time worse? really?) In general, you give the impression your mind is elsewhere or maybe you haven't recovered from last night. Still, it was a good effort.

[Citizen Erased]

I give this post a 6. Invoking God and using all caps for "NOT" convey real feeling, but there's still a lack of conviction. I think you could do a bit more to sell this idea, even if you don't quite buy into it yourself. And you might even be able to do it without the exaggeration ("a million" time worse? really?) In general, you give the impression your mind is elsewhere or maybe you haven't recovered from last night. Still, it was a good effort.

 

Bite me shark boy.

[Land Shark]

THAT's better. I knew you could do it. The raw talent is there. It just needs a little coaching is all.

 

8.5.

[pandagirl]

hahahhaa. You guys made me laugh.

 

I had a really hard day today with my thoughts. Part of having depression is the lovely ability to quickly downward spiral into a hole of negative thinking. It's quite a gift I have.

 

Thanks for knocking some sense into me.

 

In fact, I talked to my ex today and he said: "I hope you're not doing that thing where you're dwelling on everything negative and making yourself crazy." Whoops...

[Land Shark]

I was just goofing around. But I know how the thoughts and feelings can spin up and take on a life of their own. Being physically tortured would feel nicer. Hang in there.

 

And feel free to give CE some ratings on her responses. She's a bit of a diamond in the rough. Lot's of potential though.

[Star Gazer]

I'm gonna go against two of my LS faves and say you should ask if it's going to torture you not knowing.

 

(Runs and hides.)

[pandagirl]

I'm gonna go against two of my LS faves and say you should ask if it's going to torture you not knowing.

 

(Runs and hides.)

 

haha.

 

You know, there are other things that made me wonder, like really LITTLE things, but I really had nothing else to go on besides my paranoia. Of course it's possible that he did. There would be no way to even know really since we were long-distance.

 

I went to therapy today and told her about my compulsion, and she asked me, "Well, do you think this would do you any good? Would it provide you with closure or would it just hurt you?"

 

And I said, "It would devastate me."

 

Shrink: "Do you think even if he did cheat, was that the reason you didn't work?"

 

Me: "No."

 

Shrink: "You already broke up, why would you need to know this?"

 

Me: "I don't know!"

 

Shrink: "Even if he did, he could just lie and say he didn't, so if he denied this, would you let it go and trust he was telling the truth?"

 

Me: "I don't know."

 

Basically, it made me realize I have trust issues.

[Star Gazer]

Basically, it made me realize I have trust issues.

 

Not to me. I think you're trying to externalize the breakup, by trying to find blame with HIM...and that's normal. You don't want to accept all the responsibility for the relationship ending, and you shouldn't.

 

I don't really have trust issues insofar as cheating is concerned, and even I have moments where I wonder if Skiman crossed a line. I KNOW he didn't actually cheat-cheat, but I really think he thought about it. I think he was cheating on me in his mind.

[pandagirl]

Not to me. I think you're trying to externalize the breakup, by trying to find blame with HIM...and that's normal. You don't want to accept all the responsibility for the relationship ending, and you shouldn't.

 

I don't really have trust issues insofar as cheating is concerned, and even I have moments where I wonder if Skiman crossed a line. I KNOW he didn't actually cheat-cheat, but I really think he thought about it. I think he was cheating on me in his mind.

 

Yeah, you're right. I think I've been trying to find ANY reason to place blame. On him, on me, on anything! Today I placed blame on: his father, my depression, his career, possible cheating, herpes, etc. It was a fun day inside Panda's head. When I called to wish him happy bday today, we talked a little about us. I said I felt bad that he had to deal with my depression and I felt bad that I caused us problems. He said: "Panda. Don't do that thing where you go looking for negative things and dwell on them all day. It had nothing to do with your depression. It had to do with both of us, and neither of us are to blame."

 

But, honestly, most women I know in relationships are all a LITTLE paranoid about their men cheating. And most of my friends say: "If he ever has sex with someone and it's just sex, I just don't want to know."

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, you're right. I think I've been trying to find ANY reason to place blame. On him, on me, on anything!

 

Girrrrrrrl, I know how that goes! First I took ALL the blame. Then I put it ALL on him. Then it evened out. Then I realized... it was neither of our faults. We just didn't fit. He had the right colors and looked like the overall picture, but in reality he simply wasn't my missing puzzle piece.

 

Don't fight your thoughts, they'll help you work all this out. But don't obsess over them either. Just let them come and go.

 

And most importantly, give yourself time to grieve. This is a big loss for you.

[pandagirl]

Girrrrrrrl, I know how that goes! First I took ALL the blame. Then I put it ALL on him. Then it evened out. Then I realized... it was neither of our faults. We just didn't fit. He had the right colors and looked like the overall picture, but in reality he simply wasn't my missing puzzle piece.

 

Don't fight your thoughts, they'll help you work all this out. But don't obsess over them either. Just let them come and go.

 

And most importantly, give yourself time to grieve. This is a big loss for you.

 

ha! I feel like I did that all day. "It's his fault! He's a bastard!" "Oh wait, damn. I was difficult... wasn't I? It's my fault!"

 

I try to intellectualize my feelings, because then I can find an answer and everything will be neat and tidy. It never works.

[Star Gazer]

ha! I feel like I did that all day. "It's his fault! He's a bastard!" "Oh wait, damn. I was difficult... wasn't I? It's my fault!"

 

And when you find yourself, "Which came first? Him being a bastard, or me being difficult? Did one cause the other? If so, which one?" THEN you'll realize it's not your fault, and it's not his. There's no blame to be had here.

 

But it WILL take time to see this. You can't rush healing.

 

I try to intellectualize my feelings, because then I can find an answer and everything will be neat and tidy. It never works.

 

Trying to reason with the heart is a somewhat foolish thing to do...but we can't help but try!

[Fouts]

Panda, you're completely obsessing over the situation in an unhealthy way. No one ends a relationship because of their work demands. There are always other deciding factors, one of which may be that another woman has his eye. The bottom line in all of this is that he doesn't want you in his life anymore.

 

You have to accept that and take the pain. Try to focus your mental energy on something positive. Let him be hun. If he wants to talk to you one day, he'll call or write.

[pandagirl]

You guys, I need help.

 

I can't stop obsessing about this.

 

Someone tell me why it's a bad idea.

[atlnay]

Put your emotions aside and let's flesh this out: You contact him to have this conversation. Depending on your approach, he'll either 1) lie or 2) be honest. If he lies & you are sure of it, you are broken up. Does it even matter? If he is honest, how are you going to handle it? Thank him for his honesty & move on? Flip your skull? At the end of the day what do you want? To have peace or to be right? Oh & there is the added bonus of how you come across to him & the people he relates the story to. C'mon don't be that girl. Chalk this experience up to just an experience, you are now wiser. Hooray you! Try to move on in a healthier way.

[pandagirl]

Put your emotions aside and let's flesh this out: You contact him to have this conversation. Depending on your approach, he'll either 1) lie or 2) be honest. If he lies & you are sure of it, you are broken up. Does it even matter? If he is honest, how are you going to handle it? Thank him for his honesty & move on? Flip your skull? At the end of the day what do you want? To have peace or to be right? Oh & there is the added bonus of how you come across to him & the people he relates the story to. C'mon don't be that girl. Chalk this experience up to just an experience, you are now wiser. Hooray you! Try to move on in a healthier way.

 

Well the truth has finally come out on LS. I'm a little crazy, but not so crazy that I don't know when I'm being crazy (does that make sense?).

 

My ex and I are actually on very good terms. I know asking him this question would only do the following:

 

1. If he did cheat, he'll lie

2. If he did cheat, he comes clean (I feel horrible)

3. If he didn't, he will FLIP and be VERY upset with me and I will look bonkers.

 

None of them are good outcomes. Hence, I need to drop this.

[Land Shark]

4th possibility, and probably the most important: if he didn't and tells the truth, you won't believe him. So why bother asking. The only answer you will believe is that he did, and like you said, hearing that isn't going to do you any good.

 

Just try to get to a state of mind where it doesn't matter. Because it really doesn't.

[pandagirl]

4th possibility, and probably the most important: if he didn't and tells the truth, you won't believe him. So why bother asking. The only answer you will believe is that he did, and like you said, hearing that isn't going to do you any good.

 

Just try to get to a state of mind where it doesn't matter. Because it really doesn't.

 

Haha. Good point. The thing that makes me feel horrible is that he trusted me implicitly. Always.

[atlnay]

We are all a lil crazy PG, so I'm glad acting it out on LS has brought you a bit of rationality. Down the road you may very well still ask him, I can be a curious cat sometimes so I know about not letting things go. The good part is, now that you have laid out a few outcomes, it sounds like you see at the end of the day, none of it matters. Its also a good sign that you two are on good terms. I have an ex from years ago I just KNOW he cheated on me...lol...every blue moon I try and get it out of him and we have a big laugh over it. I dont really want to know nor does his answer even matter. He has become a great friend. If nothing else, try and keep your ex as a good friend

[pandagirl]

You guys, I am still obsessing about this. Besides the lack the sexual interest in me (after three months of no sex), this also stuck in my mind.

 

I will preface this with saying that my last visit to him was plagued with unfortunate life circumstances: he was overworked and exhausted, I was depressed and on the wrong meds, I was having a herpes outbreak, we were generally having a hard time connecting.

 

I was so paranoid that he WAS cheating during this trip, because of his lack of interest in me, that I actually had a dream about it. When I woke up, I was crying, and he turned to be and said: "Baby, what's wrong? Did you have a bad dream?"

 

And I sort of stammered out, "You cheated on me. You were having sex with another woman."

 

His response? He just started laughing and thought it was funny. Then I started crying and picked a fight with him, and he got frustrated and said: "Panda! You're crying over a dream that didn't even happen!"

 

I don't know. I can't get this feeling out of my stomach, and it's really torturing me. At the same time, I know I can't call him and ask.

[Star Gazer]

I had weird dreams about my ex in the months leading up to our breakup. I think it was my intuition...

[Els]

Panda, you're completely obsessing over the situation in an unhealthy way. No one ends a relationship because of their work demands. There are always other deciding factors, one of which may be that another woman has his eye.

 

Actually, I know plenty of people have.