I want to stop "searching"

[Inflikted]

I’ve tried so long to convince myself that “love” is out there for everyone, and whatnot, but I’ve come to realize that just can’t be true. I’ve gone through high school and most of college, so far, and I’ve never even been on a “date”, let alone in a relationship. It’s been very frustrating, especially considering I don’t know anyone that’s as bad off as I am, in that regard. And it’s not like I’ve been “searching” for the wrong reasons; I’ve always just wanted to experience that kind of connection and that kind of relationship with someone, yanno? Corny as it sounds for a guy to be saying this, but I want to be able to make someone feel special, and cared about, and for someone, in turn, to make me feel that way. Isn’t that the “right reason”?

 

It just seems like there’s something about me that… well, prevents me from making that kind of connection. Worst of all, I’m not sure what it is. I mean, I know I have some pretty major flaws that set me back pretty far, but generally speaking, I’d think I’m a pretty good guy. I’m not rude, unkind, unhelpful, etc. I’m not unhygienic, or anything like that; I try to make myself as presentable as I can. But it doesn’t seem to matter. I’ve never met a girl that seemed interested at all in what I have to offer. I don’t have a lot of trouble befriending girls, per se, but it seems like they always tend to write me off in a “Well, he’s a good guy, but I’d never consider dating him” kind of way. I’m not sure what it is about me, or why that’s the impression I seem to make on girls.

 

Because of that, I’ve come to a decision. I don’t want to continue “searching” for it, anymore. Actually, I don’t even want to “want it” anymore. It’s just too frustrating, and it seems like the universe is clearly trying to tell me something, here. Most would probably refer to this as “giving up”. And I suppose that’s fair. But on the other hand, isn’t it just as unhealthy to continue searching and hoping for something that will probably never happen for me? Wouldn’t I just be deluding myself? It’d be pretty devastating to continue “searching” through my 20s and 30s, and 40s and 50s, only to never “find it”. I would’ve wasted so much time and energy searching for something that’s not out there to begin with. Why would I want to do that to myself?

 

Problem is, I don’t really know how to make myself stop “wanting it”. I mean, how do you do that? “Relationships” seem to be all around me. I can’t stop myself from thinking “Aw, how nice” when I see a happy couple, I can’t stop myself from being curious about what it’s like to experience a relationship, etc. I don’t want to have those feelings any more. I don’t want to have those curiosities anymore. But I just don’t know how to get rid of them, and keep them out. I want to be able to accept my status, and accept the very likely future that awaits me. But… how?

[skydiveaddict]

I've come to the same conclusion you have. It's never gonna happen for me so I've already stopped searching. I've found the best way to keep your mind off it is to occupy it with something else. Find new things to do. Spend your time doing things most people would never dream of doing. Take risks that before you would have never considered. Otherwise you're gonna go crazy with loneliness. I'm still on the learning curve with that myself. Good luck

[BiscuitXOXO]

I completely understand how you feel. I "want it" and at the same time I feel as if a "normal" person would be able to "have a life" outside of searching for a connection with someone. It seems as if most people I know are happy being single, and I suppose to everyone, even people who think they know me, I am just like that too. But inside there is this WANT, this need that drives me. I'm currently trying to channel it towards academic studies and keeping busy with being involved in student organizations (I'm a freshman in college). I tire myself out so at night I fall asleep as soon as possible so I won't think too deeply. And every day I keep my schedule full so I'm rarely absolutely alone, except when I study, and then I force myself to concentrate.

 

It's absolutely depressing if you think about it too much. The thing is, I'm also pretty happy. I'm healthy, an honors student, involved, wonderful. At the same time...I want more.

 

I guess some people who are really religious can channel the want to God, but even though I have tried multiple times in the past, I NEED human contact. I want to hear someone else laugh with me, someone to touch and feel wanted.

 

I'm not anti-social. I am slightly nerdy/cool. I'm not gorgeous but I'm definitely not bad-looking. I talk a lot to random strangers and have many friends. It's just I've never "clicked" with anyone.

 

I am so glad this is anonymous because this is utterly pathetic haha. I'm complaining about my own life on someone else's thread. I hope it helps knowing that there are people who feel the same way you do. And skydiveaddict's advice is the same advice I give. Just live. There's nothing else you can do.

[jamesum]

Sometimes I think maybe I will be happier if I live alone in the jungle or on the mountain.

 

I tire myself out so at night I fall asleep as soon as possible so I won't think too deeply.

I find it the toughest at night when Im trying to sleep. Unless I force myself to empty my mind, I wont be able to sleep.

[Inflikted]

Eh, people always seem to suggest the "distract yourself with hobbies, activities, etc." stuff, but I find that that rarely works for me. Nothing ever takes my mind off things completely. In fact, most of the hobbies and activities I indulge in end up reminding me of it even more. Maybe I'll be out doing something, and see a happy couple having fun, and then it slips right back into my mind. Maybe I'll go see a movie that ends up having a romance subplot, and it's back in my head.

 

Distractions are only temporary. I'm looking for a permanent solution. I don't want to just try to take my mind off it, I want to completely stop wanting it, period. I want to WANT to be permanently single. I want to feel that the idea of dating, relationships, etc. is just not for me.

[Pedigree]

I'm looking for a permanent solution. I don't want to just try to take my mind off it, I want to completely stop wanting it, period. I want to WANT to be permanently single. I want to feel that the idea of dating, relationships, etc. is just not for me.

 

Whoa, you're going against evolution there, mate.

 

I agree with the comment that you should distract yourself with hobbies and activities. You probably can't avoid thinking about wanting to have a girlfriend but I'd like to think that these hobbies and activites are self-development so that you can be that person that people are attracted to. I mean, I took up a hobby and an activity this year and my family's getting a vibe that I'm somehow more confident now then I was at the start of the year. And you know what they say about confidence, right?

[Disillusioned]

Do you even know what you're looking for in a partner? Most people don't.

[BiscuitXOXO]

I can't speak for everyone, but most people are probably looking for someone nice, intelligent, cute/hot. Someone to just chill with, someone you know who cares. Someone to be silly with, to laugh with, to cry with. Someone to be horny with Someone with whom you can do anything. Of course everyone has their personal preferences (tall/short, race/ethnicity, education.) But I know mine, I guess the person just hasn't come along yet.

[Inflikted]

I can't speak for everyone, but most people are probably looking for someone nice, intelligent, cute/hot. Someone to just chill with, someone you know who cares. Someone to be silly with, to laugh with, to cry with. Someone to be horny with Someone with whom you can do anything.

 

That about sums up my ideal relationship. For some reason, though, it just seems so out of reach, for me. I never really meet any girls I feel I could have that with. And considering I'm nearing my mid-20s, that doesn't seem to bode very well for my future. Most people, by the time they're my age, have already found at least one or two people they can have that with, even if it doesn't end up lasting "forever".

 

So why can't I? Why did high school completely pass me by? Why have I gone through years of college and not hit it off the right way with even one girl, yet? I have friends who are only slightly older than I am, and they're already finding people they can "settle down" with. Meanwhile, I haven't even STARTED dating.

 

I can only see two possible scenarios for my future: either I'll A) simply never date or "settle down", period, or B) I'll end up settling for a dead end relationship with someone I don't feel that connected with at all, just so I have somebody. Neither scenario seems all that great, to me...

[WalkingtheAbyss]

Wow, this is a deep one for sure. I'm not sure where to start so excuse me if i ramble or sound as though i'm blowing my own trumpet.

 

Me, i've never had problems finding a partner. That said i've been with the same one for nearly sixteen years, alas its taken a bad turn at present but so be it. Bad turn aside i have had many offers over the years, which i have turned down due to being i a relationship.

 

I am six foot one, slightly over weight and certainly no Jason Statham when it comes to looks. What i do have is an open mind, confidence and the ability to laugh and joke with any body. I know how to pass compliments with out being over bearing and can me a shoulder to cry on for either sex where needed.

 

A good friend of mine is similar in build and looks. He is also the same age as me, 32, and has had one girlfriend in all of those years. The amount of "hot" female friends he has is a cause of envy but alas he doesn't share the same confidence levels as me. Shame really as i would love to see him "loved up"

 

Another friend is taller, more athletic and looks like Clark Kent from superman. For reasons unknown to me he struggles to make friends with the female race, certainly to a stage where a relationship can blossom into love. As much as i like him i think his biggest problem is his attitude to things. He takes every thing to heart and comes across as though he's sulking. Confidence wise he fails every time.

 

What i'm trying to say is this, you dont need to look like one of the studs surfing off of long beach, you dont need to be like Brad Pitt, and you dont need to have the charisma of George Clooney to attract a women. What you do need is the confidence to talk to them and eventually you will hit gold.

[Cee]

I am constantly advising young women to take a break from relationships so that they experience what it's like to be alone. A lot of ppl bury themselves in relationship after relationship to hide from their selves.

 

You, I am advising the opposite. You can't make the choice to be alone until you make a real effort to start dating. Ask your friends for their honest assessment of you. Take a hard look at yourself. Why aren't you attracting dates? Looks are not an adequate answer. I know plenty of guys who are not gifted in the looks department and get girlfriends. I know guys who are socially awkward, stick thin, and super nerdy and they are like catnip to nerd loving girls.

 

Try dating first. Keep doing it until you have dating experience. And then you start considering your options of living your life alone. My guess is that it will be easier to get dates with time. I'm not talking about you meeting the love of your life. I'm talk about dating somebody for a few weeks and having some fun.

 

Good luck.

[Inflikted]

@ WalkingtheAbyss

 

Thing is, though, I don't necessarily have any issues being friendly with girls. I wouldn't say I come off as "nervous" or "desperate", or anything like that. But I sort of get the feeling that most just think of me in a "cute little puppy", or "little brother" kind of way. Yanno? I don't know why I seem to give off that vibe.

 

@ Cee

 

Eh, I'm at sort of a weird place with friends, at the moment. In the last 6-8 months, nearly all of my close friends have exited out of my life. Nothing to do with me, of course; they just finished up their educations, and/ or found great career opportunities that have taken them elsewhere. The only friends I have, I'm not really THAT close with (they're a bit younger than me, and still in the more "wild" phase), and the only thing they'd really tell me is that I don't "party" enough. "Partying", to them, involves lots of drinking, and drunken hook-ups. Not really my thing...

 

A few months ago, one female friend of mine, though, started saying she wanted to try to find a girl to set me up with. I didn't really read too much into it, as she always just kind of said in a playful, teasing kind of way. She never actually introduced me to anyone, though. I think she dropped the whole thing, partially because she found herself a pretty good guy and started investing her energy into her own relationship, and partially because I think she took something I said the wrong way, and she seemed to kind of get annoyed at me about.

[skydiveaddict]

Eh, people always seem to suggest the "distract yourself with hobbies, activities, etc." stuff, but I find that that rarely works for me. Nothing ever takes my mind off things completely. In fact, most of the hobbies and activities I indulge in end up reminding me of it even more. Maybe I'll be out doing something, and see a happy couple having fun, and then it slips right back into my mind. Maybe I'll go see a movie that ends up having a romance subplot, and it's back in my head.

 

Distractions are only temporary. I'm looking for a permanent solution. I don't want to just try to take my mind off it, I want to completely stop wanting it, period. I want to WANT to be permanently single. I want to feel that the idea of dating, relationships, etc. is just not for me.

 

 

Ok, then join the army, request an MOS that will get you deployed to distant, war torn countries. I promise you will stop "searching"

[WalkingtheAbyss]

So you don't have issues befriending women, that's cool.

 

Lets try another angle at this.

 

Your with a mixed group of friends and new people. Are you in the midst of it getting involved in conversation or are you the one at the back keeping quiet as you dont know what to say?

 

Your in a club with mates, surrounded by beautiful women. Are you the geeky looking dude propped up against a wall nursing a jar or are you in the middle of the dance floor giving it large and showing huge amounts of confidence?

 

Me, i'm always in the think of it chatting cod crap and having a laugh. I'll be the one on the dance floor having a laugh even though i can't dance for toffee. I show that i'm confident to be myself and have fun. Thats the key my friend. Most women i know love a man with confidence. Just be sure not to be arrogant with it as that's gonna kill the moment straight away

[Inflikted]

Well, I *try* to get into conversations, though I'll admit, I'm not very good at it. I can rarely think of anything witty or useful to add, and the few times I do try to interject, most people just kind of brush over what I say anyway. The only times I can draw more attention to myself is in smaller group situations, because there's less going on. When I'm in a group of 5+ people, I get lost in the shuffle a lot easier. I guess you could say this is something to work on, but I *have* been "working on it" for years now, really. I'm just not that great with conversation.

 

As far as "clubs" go, well... I don't really go to any. I'm a bit more of a low key person, and I feel out of place at big, loud, chaotic places like that. So, yeah, I probably would be more off to the side in situations like that.

[David.]

SkyDive has a point with his overseas posting line.

But there are easier solutions.

I think you're looking for a connection, and your current method of hoping to drift into it isn't working. You're willing to make an effort, but are put off by the seeming apathy of the women around you. All of that's valid.

 

There are two things that come to mind in finding that connection: one, try harder, two, find a better crowd.

 

Try harder by refusing to believe that you've even begun to make enough effort. (I should take that advice!) Stop finding excuses. Stop trying to rationalise or explain.

 

Get a better crowd by thinking of people who are in a tougher place than you. Maybe your current crowd is spoon-fed and intellectually lazy. Go find people who have struggled to survive, and for whom a serious interest would feel wonderful.

 

Let me put that in a more positive light. Perhaps nobody in your current crowd takes you seriously. You need to find people who will, or you need to make more of an effort to be taken seriously by those around you. I advise the former. You've given the current crowd a chance. Go out and find people who are as serious as you, and who will appreciate your seriousness. They are definitely out there.