Theories on Coping Strategies

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

So I drink. Often. Like, every weekend. In clubs. And some LS members will probably be familiar with some of my past posts about my drinking in clubs where I've ran into the ex. Its happened three times now and I'd rather it not happen again so I go to other clubs now.

 

My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years an so I took him out drinking. At bout 8am (yes, we continued drinking until round about that time) we ended up in a somewhat drunken conversation about coping strategies. He pointed out something to me that I wasn't sure I realised.

 

He said he'll miss that comfort of having someone there at the end of the day to talk to and be with. And that being in the nightclubs with me helped because he was surrounded by other people and he felt less lonely.

 

...Less lonely. That's what I'm doing, isn't it? I go out drinkin an partying 3 or 4 nights a week. I hate staying home alone. But when I was with my ex, most weekends I'd just go round to her place, we'd order a take out an watch films...I rarely drank to excess.

 

So...I surround myself with other people in clubs to stop feeling lonely. As this leads to drinking copious amounts, I need a new coping strategy which alleviates the lonliness...which of course involves other people. I don't mean voluteering, joining a gym or something, since those things never end up being very social for me, and I get nervous in those kinds of social situations as well.

 

If thats what I'm doing, I need to know how to get around it...

[ShannonMI]

So I drink. Often. Like, every weekend. In clubs. And some LS members will probably be familiar with some of my past posts about my drinking in clubs where I've ran into the ex. Its happened three times now and I'd rather it not happen again so I go to other clubs now.

 

My friend recently broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years an so I took him out drinking. At bout 8am (yes, we continued drinking until round about that time) we ended up in a somewhat drunken conversation about coping strategies. He pointed out something to me that I wasn't sure I realised.

 

He said he'll miss that comfort of having someone there at the end of the day to talk to and be with. And that being in the nightclubs with me helped because he was surrounded by other people and he felt less lonely.

 

...Less lonely. That's what I'm doing, isn't it? I go out drinkin an partying 3 or 4 nights a week. I hate staying home alone. But when I was with my ex, most weekends I'd just go round to her place, we'd order a take out an watch films...I rarely drank to excess.

 

So...I surround myself with other people in clubs to stop feeling lonely. As this leads to drinking copious amounts, I need a new coping strategy which alleviates the lonliness...which of course involves other people. I don't mean voluteering, joining a gym or something, since those things never end up being very social for me, and I get nervous in those kinds of social situations as well.

 

If thats what I'm doing, I need to know how to get around it...

It does sound like you are going out to the clubs to stop feeling lonely. Drinking, as I'm sure you know, isn't going to help you feel better. Alcohol is a depressant. I'm sure you are down because of your breakup. Don't drink, it won't help.

 

I'm going through the same thing. I don't know of any ways to really alleviate the lonliness. The only way I've found, is to hang out with friends, which I do. It helps. Going out sometimes helps, but I'm always afraid I'm going to run into my a**hole ex. When I go out, I don't drink much. I just like to be around people and socialize. Maybe you can go out and just have a few beers or not drink at all. Maybe you can hang with a few close friends. Go over to their houses or have them come over to yours. It's hard because all you really want is your life back with your ex before all the sh*t went down. I feel like this everyday. I miss what we used to have together. He's changed quite a bit and he def. isn't the same, but that doesn't stop me from missing who he used to be. It's a struggle everyday. I know what you are going through and it sucks.

[ShannonMI]

One thing that I've done a couple of times is go hang out at bookstores. They have nice, comfy chairs for people to sit in for hours. Not to mention, there tend to be a lot of cute girls working there.

That's a good idea! Hahahaha I used to work in a mall bookstore and that's where I met my ex. He actually worked in another store in the same mall and that's how we met. That is a good place to meet people. Or a coffee shop where you can bring your lap top or book or whatever.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

It does sound like you are going out to the clubs to stop feeling lonely. Drinking, as I'm sure you know, isn't going to help you feel better. Alcohol is a depressant. I'm sure you are down because of your breakup. Don't drink, it won't help.

 

I'm going through the same thing. I don't know of any ways to really alleviate the lonliness. The only way I've found, is to hang out with friends, which I do. It helps. Going out sometimes helps, but I'm always afraid I'm going to run into my a**hole ex. When I go out, I don't drink much. I just like to be around people and socialize. Maybe you can go out and just have a few beers or not drink at all. Maybe you can hang with a few close friends. Go over to their houses or have them come over to yours. It's hard because all you really want is your life back with your ex before all the sh*t went down. I feel like this everyday. I miss what we used to have together. He's changed quite a bit and he def. isn't the same, but that doesn't stop me from missing who he used to be. It's a struggle everyday. I know what you are going through and it sucks.

 

Yeah, its so hard, huh? I HATE it! I cannot find a way past it. Actually, I got a phone call yesterday from her dad, asking me to pick my clothes up from her place coz she wants to refurbish it...bitch...

 

But anyway, back to the topic: I am lonely. Constantly, now. Everything I've done in the last 5 months doesn't matter because I can't talk to her about it. I feel she represents a part of my life which has died forever now with our break-up. The same people, the same places, all of that is gone, now. I miss her so much it hurts, and its been 5 months...How is that possible?! Why does she affect my life so much, still? Why do I feel so lonely that I need to drink my life away one day at a time? This is a serious problem...

[ShannonMI]

Yeah, its so hard, huh? I HATE it! I cannot find a way past it. Actually, I got a phone call yesterday from her dad, asking me to pick my clothes up from her place coz she wants to refurbish it...bitch...

 

But anyway, back to the topic: I am lonely. Constantly, now. Everything I've done in the last 5 months doesn't matter because I can't talk to her about it. I feel she represents a part of my life which has died forever now with our break-up. The same people, the same places, all of that is gone, now. I miss her so much it hurts, and its been 5 months...How is that possible?! Why does she affect my life so much, still? Why do I feel so lonely that I need to drink my life away one day at a time? This is a serious problem...

It's hard to move on when the person you were with was such a HUGE part of your life. My ex was in my life for 8 years and I miss what we shared. We had a good relationship by all accounts and he was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything, someone I could lean on when I needed support, someone who was just THERE for me. I was all of that for him as well. Now I don't have that and it's been the one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. I miss him like crazy. I would talk to him everyday when we were together and now I don't talk to him at all. What an adjustment it's been to just cut him out of my life. It's hard when he was in my life for so long. He wanted to be friends with me after we split up, but I told him that I didn't think I'd ever stop loving him and it would just complicate things to try to be friends. Now I know he's changed quite a bit and he cheated on me. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss who he was before. I don't like who he is now.

 

Don't keep drinking. As much as you want to go to the clubs and socialize, it's not good for you to drink yourself into a stupor all the time. You don't want to develop a problem with alcohol. That's the LAST thing you need. Try to just hang out with friends. Outside of the bars. Go to a bookstore like biaxident suggested or a coffee shop and just be AROUND people. It sucks, I know. I'm going through the same thing. I have a few close friends that I talk to everyday and it helps. Sometimes I go over to their house and just hang out and watch TV. It helps. You'll be ok. Just hang in there and stop boozing it up. It's not going to help you feel any less lonely. You'll end up lonely AND an alcoholic. NOT good!

Edited September 11, 2010 by ShannonMI

[mannpho]

They had us, used us, talked and let us adore them.

 

Now we are dying and they are living there lives.

 

Sorry how simple my post is. But im there with all of you.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

It's hard to move on when the person you were with was such a HUGE part of your life. My ex was in my life for 8 years and I miss what we shared. We had a good relationship by all accounts and he was my best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything, someone I could lean on when I needed support, someone who was just THERE for me. I was all of that for him as well. Now I don't have that and it's been the one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. I miss him like crazy. I would talk to him everyday when we were together and now I don't talk to him at all. What an adjustment it's been to just cut him out of my life. It's hard when he was in my life for so long. He wanted to be friends with me after we split up, but I told him that I didn't think I'd ever stop loving him and it would just complicate things to try to be friends. Now I know he's changed quite a bit and he cheated on me. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. I miss who he was before. I don't like who he is now.

 

Don't keep drinking. As much as you want to go to the clubs and socialize, it's not good for you to drink yourself into a stupor all the time. You don't want to develop a problem with alcohol. That's the LAST thing you need. Try to just hang out with friends. Outside of the bars. Go to a bookstore like biaxident suggested or a coffee shop and just be AROUND people. It sucks, I know. I'm going through the same thing. I have a few close friends that I talk to everyday and it helps. Sometimes I go over to their house and just hang out and watch TV. It helps. You'll be ok. Just hang in there and stop boozing it up. It's not going to help you feel any less lonely. You'll end up lonely AND an alcoholic. NOT good!

 

Yeah, I agree. I don't want to end up like that, I'd hate to think that she's driving me to ruin my life through alcoholism. It is a coping mechanism that I've used to get over her - and it has, to some extent, worked...I've met new people, hung out in new places, been to different places, seen new things etc, etc...only one problem: she's not there to tell about my new friends, the new places I've been going, the things I've been seeing. I used to talk to her about all of it, everything that had been going on and I'm aching to tell her everything and let her know how I've been but I know she won't care...I've been close to breaking down and going out drinking with my friends and partying has stopped me from doing that.

 

Now I'm home. I've been home for the last few days. I've rejected offers of nights out from various friends to opt instead for sitting at home...and now I'm thinking about her...digging out the photo's I have, remembering things...this is where I didn't want to be...and I really don't know how to cope at the moment...

[ShannonMI]

Yeah, I agree. I don't want to end up like that, I'd hate to think that she's driving me to ruin my life through alcoholism. It is a coping mechanism that I've used to get over her - and it has, to some extent, worked...I've met new people, hung out in new places, been to different places, seen new things etc, etc...only one problem: she's not there to tell about my new friends, the new places I've been going, the things I've been seeing. I used to talk to her about all of it, everything that had been going on and I'm aching to tell her everything and let her know how I've been but I know she won't care...I've been close to breaking down and going out drinking with my friends and partying has stopped me from doing that.

 

Now I'm home. I've been home for the last few days. I've rejected offers of nights out from various friends to opt instead for sitting at home...and now I'm thinking about her...digging out the photo's I have, remembering things...this is where I didn't want to be...and I really don't know how to cope at the moment...

Alright, so now you've stopped drinking, but you are sitting alone going through photos? Honey, do not do this to yourself! It's awesome that you aren't drinking anymore. I give you a lot of credit for that, but you need to be around people. Can you go hang out with friends without involving alcohol? Can you go over to a friend's house and just hang out? You are literally torturing yourself by looking at photos of the two of you together. STOP doing it! You need to find things to occupy your time. Things that will take your mind off her and that do not involve booze.

 

Wanting to share your new experiences with her is normal, but like you said, she doesn't care. You need to find someone that does care about you. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm going through the same thing. Please burn those photos. That is something you need to do. Or at least throw them out. Stop torturing yourself. Get out of the house and hang out with a few close friends that know what you are going through. Friends that are understanding of the situation you are in. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Keep me posted.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Alright, so now you've stopped drinking, but you are sitting alone going through photos? Honey, do not do this to yourself! It's awesome that you aren't drinking anymore. I give you a lot of credit for that, but you need to be around people. Can you go hang out with friends without involving alcohol? Can you go over to a friend's house and just hang out? You are literally torturing yourself by looking at photos of the two of you together. STOP doing it! You need to find things to occupy your time. Things that will take your mind off her and that do not involve booze.

 

Wanting to share your new experiences with her is normal, but like you said, she doesn't care. You need to find someone that does care about you. I feel your pain, I really do. I'm going through the same thing. Please burn those photos. That is something you need to do. Or at least throw them out. Stop torturing yourself. Get out of the house and hang out with a few close friends that know what you are going through. Friends that are understanding of the situation you are in. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. Keep me posted.

 

Hey Shannon, how you been keeping? Yeah I know, I should go over to my friends and just hang out. God knows I could but I need to get used to staying home on my own. I need to deal with that lonely feeling until it I get used to it and it no longer becomes a problem. I'm just furious with everything right now. I'm furious that I feel like this, that you feel like this, that anyone should have to deal with this. I know relationships are incredibly complicated and these things happen but when it disrupts your life so severely (and I've heard so many stories on LS that have shocked and saddened me) there has to be an alternative, a way to cope and live life to the full again.

 

Do you think speaking to the person is the answer? Does it help? I don't want another day like this. I really don't. I've too many things to do and I'm too young to throw my life away for one person.

 

It's not even her, is it? Its me. What is my issue that I became so attached to, so in love with someone to the extent that them leaving my life has utterly crushed me.

 

I know what you mean about the pictures. My friends have been tellin me for ages now to get rid of them, but I feel the represent the last remnant of how she once felt about me, and getting rid of them means I'll have nothing left to show for the time we spent together...

[ShannonMI]

Hey Shannon, how you been keeping? Yeah I know, I should go over to my friends and just hang out. God knows I could but I need to get used to staying home on my own. I need to deal with that lonely feeling until it I get used to it and it no longer becomes a problem. I'm just furious with everything right now. I'm furious that I feel like this, that you feel like this, that anyone should have to deal with this. I know relationships are incredibly complicated and these things happen but when it disrupts your life so severely (and I've heard so many stories on LS that have shocked and saddened me) there has to be an alternative, a way to cope and live life to the full again.

 

Do you think speaking to the person is the answer? Does it help? I don't want another day like this. I really don't. I've too many things to do and I'm too young to throw my life away for one person.

 

It's not even her, is it? Its me. What is my issue that I became so attached to, so in love with someone to the extent that them leaving my life has utterly crushed me.

 

I know what you mean about the pictures. My friends have been tellin me for ages now to get rid of them, but I feel the represent the last remnant of how she once felt about me, and getting rid of them means I'll have nothing left to show for the time we spent together...

It is good to be by yourself sometimes, but looking at old photos and pining for her isn't helping you. Read a book or watch a movie. Also, speaking to her will NOT help. You said she doesn't really care anymore, so if you contact her, do you think it will go well? Most likely not. I know what you mean when you talk about becoming so attached and falling so deeply in love with someone that when they leave your life, you are totally crushed. I'm dealing with that exact issue. It's actually not an "issue" per say, I don't think. You are just someone that loves whole heartedly and that isn't a BAD thing. I guess you can look at it as a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you know how to really love someone and feel the love and it's a curse because when the person you love, doesn't love you back, you are crushed. You feel like you can't go on and your life is meaningless without them. I know the feeling, believe me. I was with my ex for 8 years. He was such a huge part of my life and now he's not in my life at all. I still love him so much even though I shouldn't. It's hard to turn those love feelings off. I guess I'm a super emotional person. I don't consider that a bad thing. It just sucks I can't fall out of love with him and become un-attacted from him easily. It's a blessing and a curse. It really is. Someday I'll be able to give my love to someone who will appreciate it and so will you. Keep your head up and get rid of those damn pictures!

[benB]

It is good to be by yourself sometimes, but looking at old photos and pining for her isn't helping you. Read a book or watch a movie. Also, speaking to her will NOT help. You said she doesn't really care anymore, so if you contact her, do you think it will go well? Most likely not. I know what you mean when you talk about becoming so attached and falling so deeply in love with someone that when they leave your life, you are totally crushed. I'm dealing with that exact issue. It's actually not an "issue" per say, I don't think. You are just someone that loves whole heartedly and that isn't a BAD thing. I guess you can look at it as a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you know how to really love someone and feel the love and it's a curse because when the person you love, doesn't love you back, you are crushed. You feel like you can't go on and your life is meaningless without them. I know the feeling, believe me. I was with my ex for 8 years. He was such a huge part of my life and now he's not in my life at all. I still love him so much even though I shouldn't. It's hard to turn those love feelings off. I guess I'm a super emotional person. I don't consider that a bad thing. It just sucks I can't fall out of love with him and become un-attacted from him easily. It's a blessing and a curse. It really is. Someday I'll be able to give my love to someone who will appreciate it and so will you. Keep your head up and get rid of those damn pictures!

 

 

 

Man that struck a cord , my ex was a huge part of my life, my best friend and the person who knew me better than anyone on Earth. It is so hard not to talk to her. We went from talking all day long to now we don't even speak. I don't know her anymore and that is what hurts me the most. I have my ups and downs, yesterday was tough for me. But today I am doing better.

 

To the OP, trust me bro, you are not alone. I feel the same way you do about my ex. I have some old pics that I haven't thrown out yet, I don't look at them but I know they are on my PC. We all struggle and I don't think the issue is with you because we all feel the same way. Just keep posting hopefully you can get the necessary support here. Good luck

[ohno89]

Gosh....reading posts like these really upset and anger me. I hate that so many people have to go through these horrible emotions because of the way the world works and the way people work...it really makes me mad at just..everything. It makes me never want to love again if this is the potential pain it could bring and that's sad.

 

TUK - I'm sorry you're feeling how you are..it's been almost 5 months for me (and around the same for you if I'm right Shannon?) and I still kinda feel how you do. I did the whole drinking thing straight after my break up and although it's fun at the time and can help you forget your ex for a while, didn't you feel like utter crap the next day?! I certainly did; when that feeling sets in that you're not coming home to anyone, there's no one to share your stories with and your ex is probably happily sleeping away with his new g/f while you're at home, drunk and an emotional mess....THAT was enough to help me stop comfort drinking. So if you have, good on you.

 

As for the pictures, I'm a little like you where - at least if that stuff's there - it reminds you that at some point, you two were happy together and it did happen so you want to hold on to that.....I think it would be a shame to get rid of them permanantly but certainly put them away from now, and if you think you're going to keep looking at them, make a conscious effort to pack up everything and just give it to someone or put it somewhere completely out of your reach. One day, when you're completely over this and totally in love with someone else, or just in a better place, you can look back at that stuff and just smile that it happened with no regrets and no hurt.

 

I know the feeling tho, you almost feel mad at yourself for falling for someone so hard that it completely shatters you when you leave but hey.....try thinking of who you were and how content you were before you met this person. You need to remember that it wasn't even necessarily that particular person, it was a lot more to do with the relationship and everything that comes along with a relationship and you WILL find that again when your heart is ready and willing to let someone else in.

[TheUnthoughtKnown]

Thanks guys for all the comments!

 

Shannon: We're probably very similar in that we're both extremely emotional people. And I've always liked that about me, even if other people (and there have been lots of these) didn't, or though it was a weakness. My friend said that to me once, I remember. Told me he was jealous because I KNOW when I'm in love, and I'm so devoted to that concept, to relationships and loving someone fully. I want that again but I'm afraid. I really am. I never used to be. I was always waiting to fall in love and spend so much time with this person and do everything I could for them and let them understand who I am, what my passions are, let them meet my family. It seems naive, maybe. Most of my friends sleep around constantly, and its become such an accepted thing, now. It would have been frowned upon at one time, now you're "under the thumb" or "pussy whipped" if you pass up the chance to sleep with another girl, or decide you'd like to stay in and watch movies with your other half instead of goin out drinking with the guys. I don't get that. I love being in love. I loved her and I'm so furious that this could happen when I was trying so hard. It goes against everything I ever believed. I was always told if I want something bad enough work for it, never give up on it, earn it. I spent 3 years chasing this girl coz I was convinced she was the one for me. Every fibre of me believed it at the time, I was so Goddamn sure! So when, after me being crazy bout her all that time, we got together I thought "this is it for me" 6 weeks and 1 argument later and boom. Its over. Why, though, if I tried so hard for her, made her feel wanted, loved, desired, everything I could, would she remove me entirely from her life after one argument. Would someone PLEASE explain that to me?! She doesn't see me as the same person after I decided to argue back with her for once, she wants to be alone, she says maybe we can be friends sometime in the future but we'll never be more. Utterly devastated.

 

BenB: Yeah man, I totally get you. Its probably not an issue with me. I say probably coz I'm not 100% convinced yet. I hate feeling this deeply for someone who doesn't care. My sisters tell me I need to toughen up and stop giving credence to someone who doesn't deserve it. I understand that and I wish I could just switch this off, this feeling. I'd give anything for that ability. I will continue to post coz I love talkin to people on here about the whole system of relationships, why we do the things we do. I think it will help me improve on more than a few levels.

 

ohno89: Yeah, I'm angry too. As I said above, if someone puts in that kind of effort only to have it thrown back in their face, why would they put themselves in that position again? I've been 5 months separated myself, and 3 months NC and every day I think bout her is another little slice of hell. Why would I do it? Why would I try so damn hard for someone ever again and leave myself exposed to this kind of pain? Its not worth all the hassle I went through to get it....

[HopeLove]

You can still go to bars, just don't drink too much, don't go over 2 or 3 beers, even if you would like to drink more.

Lots of people say you shouldn't keep pictures with your ex. Well I can't throw them. I don't look at them because it hurts me but for me it would been even worse to not have them at all and maybe I would regret not having it but it would be to late. Just don't allow yourself to look at them until you are over.

I know is so hard to be with someone that was your life and suddenly you don't even talk anymore. I would suggest you to write a diary, write there everything you would like to say to her, all your feelings, at least they don't stay inside. It might help you. You don't loose anything by trying.