Am4Real Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 To those reading this post/thread – thank you – your time is appreciated. I’m posting this thread because I need support, help and any guidance from anyone who cares to contribute. Essentially I need a Drill Sergeant and a Coach this weekend and maybe a tad bit longer in the days ahead. I’ll spare you from the details; they’re irrelevant, however a few pertinent facts are as follows: Today (Friday) is day five of NO CONTACT.I am the DUMPEE.The dump was somewhat unexpected.Although slightly irrelevant, the reasons (for the most part) given by the dumper for this breakup were heard by me for the first time, whilst other generalities given are valid criticisms.This was a long-term relationship – approximately three years.We have been out of the “honeymoon” stage of this relationship for about eighteen months.When I received the break up news, absorbed it, I asked that we not contact each other -- I was then called a "jerk". Because I have had two previous long-term relationships end, I am very familiar with the process of NO CONTACT. It worked very well for me four years ago. However as most of you know there are two camps when it comes to healing one’s self post breakup. I have not done a scientific evaluation, but for the most part while counting on my fingers, toes and a million tooth picks (very scientific BTW) I’d say 35% - 40% of general opinions, expert level opinions, and even seasoned posters on various blog sites, are all in favor of making contact after some identified timeline, be it one week or one month to evaluate the situation after the parties have “cooled off”. Then comes the 60% to 65% who believe in firm NO CONTACT – NO EXCEPTIONS. I’m of the latter and having experienced both methods – I feel they are worlds apart. Method one (making contact, comes with 100% risk to the dumpee in may forms), while firm NO CONTACT is likely 80%+ successful (again not scientific) in predictably healing one’s self. And who knows what else might happen with regard to later communication FROM the dumpee (whether welcomed or not) during the NO CONTACT period. Many forums discuss both methods from a psychological and therapeutic opinion, some based on research and study teams while others have an agenda for selling you something. All the dynamics of both methods need not be repeated here; I’m sure most of you know these already after reading the great advice from this forum’s senior posters? Here’s where I need your help… I’m a text book study of good advice with much of it being given here. To date: I have a diary of my daily feelings in progress, the NO CONTACT in full swing, working out in the gym and getting other exercise, and getting out with friends. Again text book. However, as I’m progressing through this ordeal very much along the Kübler-Ross model of the FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF (Denial, Anger, Bargainning, Depression, Acceptance) I find myself skipping over the barganning stage and simultaneously dealing with anger and disappointment (they call it depression). Angry at the break up – sure – the break up pocess and words said to me -- absolutely! But as I was being dumped I did not retaliate with my criticism list, etc as I thought that style not only below my good conscious, but a waste of time and no value if this was merely an argument of sorts as the break up action resulted on the tail end of an argument and was not pre-meditated (from what I can perceive but honestly do not know). Regardless all day today I’ve been talking to myself with all the things I would have liked to say – that I want to say, blah, blah, blah. That’s a normal feeling right? Although it serves no purpose it also breaks NO CONTACT. At any rate its anger management that I need right now coupled with support from all of you so that I do not do anything stupid and send a form of communication. I likely will not (remember text book student) but we all know the anger stage can be terribly hard to overcome for awhile. I just need your help, support and any and all guidance to get me through these next days! With all my appreciation, Am4Real
quankanne Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 man, Gunny would be the ideal one to get your heart whipped into shape however, you're stuck with my thought that writing someone is not necessarily a bad idea. Pour your heart out on paper, rewrite and edit as often as needed, get it down to exactly what you want it to say ... then put the letter aside. Or rip it up if you've got strength to do that. Or if you feel compelled to mail it, mail it to yourself at your office, but don't open it up. Just put it aside. what this little exercise does is allow you to vent at your ex, and while it's not quite the same as him being there, it still lets you work those feeling OUT of your system. Which allows you to move to the next stage a little more easily. Mostly, it's a compromise between the desire to contact him, but keeping NC enforced.
Author Am4Real Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 what this little exercise does is allow you to vent at your ex, and while it's not quite the same as him being there, it still lets you work those feeling OUT of your system. Which allows you to move to the next stage a little more easily. Mostly, it's a compromise between the desire to contact him, but keeping NC enforced. BRILLIANT! I love it! Thank you so much...
CaliGuy Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 My best advice to you is strict NC. You may not like this but the simple fact is she walked away and the odds are extremely low they are coming back. I think you need to focus on yourself, self improvement and get yourself in a better position for the next one that comes along.
Don Ho Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 (edited) Well Bro, I'm surprised a well seasoned guy like you needs our support; you seem to know all about it and how to do it. I don't think the "5 Stages" goes linearly, my experience has been that it's a cycle through the 5 emotions and sometimes two at a time in no particular order. As time goes on, I think you become at peace more and accept it .... or at least think about it much less and move forward. I think you're doing all the right things, getting out, going to the gym and so. I think you should think about getting a couple of light coffee dates to get your feet wet again and if a gal warms up to you, that doesn't hurt either! No Bro, DO NOT contact her even if you're angry and you wish you said things you didn't say. I agree writing letters, either by hand or in MS Word or whatever you like, can be very helpful. DO NOT send them in a fit of anger or anxiety. DO NOT use your email to that you do not inadvertently send them!! I would recommend putting them in the shredder after a day or two or deleting them. Or you could save them to go over them as you progress along. Now, DO NOT contact her or I will sock your a$$ hard and tell everyone on here that you're a big PUSSY!! LOL Edited September 11, 2010 by Don Ho
Trovador Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Look, dude, my ex and I are coworkers... she is at just some meters away from me... it is SO easy to go to her cubicle and see her (but I think I'd want more that she could see ME) but I haven't done it and I will not do it... same thing with the phone... The only way we are going to talk again is if she initiates contact... something that I don´t care too much about... See my point? It is taking the best of my testosterone but I am done with her and in the process I am giving her the gift of missing me... ha ha... no, I don´t care about this either... Don't worry about a suppossed closure... those infamous last words don't serve a useful purpose when they are dumping us...
Author Am4Real Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Well Bro, I'm surprised a well seasoned guy like you needs our support; you seem to know all about it and how to do it. I don't think the "5 Stages" goes linearly, my experience has been that it's a cycle through the 5 emotions and sometimes two at a time in no particular order. DonH: Seasoned sounds terrible, LOL. Thanks for the reinforcement. Much appreciated As time goes on, I think you become at peace more and accept it .... or at least think about it much less and move forward. Everything in good time...I agree. If you've ever worked with a personal trainer in the gym I liken your words to that relationship. This is reinforcement of proper technique while sustaining the motivation. Thanks. Don't worry about a suppossed closure... those infamous last words don't serve a useful purpose when they are dumping us... Trov: I'm not sure it's closure I mean when I refer to anger, but I suppose it can be a form of closure in some instances. As one processes the break up, it just baffles me on the words spoken to me. As I mentioned, I’ve spared the forum of the details but taking into account there were words used that seem to irrelevant to the real issue and perhaps more centered on things which occur in an argument leading up to an eventual break up of a relationship, then calling me a “JERK” because I accepted the outcome and asked that we not contact each other just makes me mad. How is that request making me be a “JERK”? Oh well…
Don Ho Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 eventual break up of a relationship, then calling me a “JERK” because I accepted the outcome and asked that we not contact each other just makes me mad. How is that request making me be a “JERK”? Oh well… Because Bro, you weren't acting like a PUSSY and pining, crying and pleading for her. You showed strength and she didn't like it because she was dumping you. "Seasoned" LOL. I think you've been around the block once or twice! LOL
Author Am4Real Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Maybe because it's the weekend...today is filled with major grief. I'll try to keep busy, but not in a happy place today.
Don Ho Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Shut up you little biatch!! A soldier doesn't pine away for the dead .... and will end up dead himself if he isn't careful. Get your a$$ busy and go work out or something. Oh.... and don't be a pussy! LOL
Author Am4Real Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 Shut up you little biatch!! A soldier doesn't pine away for the dead .... and will end up dead himself if he isn't careful. Get your a$$ busy and go work out or something. Oh.... and don't be a pussy! LOL Thanks Don...keep yelling at me SARG, it's working...off I go!
Don Ho Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 Thanks Don...keep yelling at me SARG, it's working...off I go! Good you little pussy! Why don't you just go to the bar and cry in your beer like the other AFCs?
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