Frustrated with her contact

[Billie The Puppet]

As a matter of fact, Silvaria's got a lot of willpower... a 6 hours talk without saying what her heart desires? Kudos to you, dear... and just out of curiosity, has that accomplished something meaningful? Or was just a fix?

 

I don't see things that way... as my fresh experience dictates, no contact is better than LC when they don't want you back... I can't live feeding myself out of crumbs...

 

Yes 6 hours without talking about hearts desire is huge will power, not willing o let go of a conversation is lack of will power yet I can understand why Silvaria may not want to end the conversation. Add politics as a topic and my mind is boggled but to each their own. I couldn't go 6 hours with my ex knowing its just a conversation that won't lead to a reconciliation. It would give me too much of a high that my low after words would be painstakingly hard. That's why at the current time NC is best for me even though it hurts too but much less then the heroin effect of limited contact.

[9Lives]

Yes 6 hours without talking about hearts desire is huge will power, not willing o let go of a conversation is lack of will power yet I can understand why Silvaria may not want to end the conversation. Add politics as a topic and my mind is boggled but to each their own. I couldn't go 6 hours with my ex knowing its just a conversation that won't lead to a reconciliation. It would give me too much of a high that my low after words would be painstakingly hard. That's why at the current time NC is best for me even though it hurts too but much less then the heroin effect of limited contact.

 

yeah Im like you guys. I cant do that. I feel like it is crumbs. Im going to want to see him and go out with him and all that. Plus I feel like they are just using you until they meet someone else and the phone calls will get less and less. I just think its a set up for being rejected and left to deal with it on your own. I dont want to be friends with my ex. He wouldnt want to be friends with me if he still was inlove with me. He already told me that. If you love me and want me, why arent we together? Why do you want to talk to me but not see me or hang with me?

 

NC is hard but wondering, wishing, hoping is harder. I rather let it go and wait for something better to happen in my life. I learned that is the best way.

[Buccaneer55]

Kind of a comical update now.

 

Tonight we were at the same event. I minded my own business ended up leaving eventually without talking to her.

 

Literally within 5 minutes after I left she called me. I did pick up and the first thing that she said was "why didn't you say hey to me tonight?"

 

I told her I didn't think that I had to.

 

This is starting to get funny to me, I can't understand her or figure her out. She's just acting weird.

[Am4Real]

Your case is different your ok with contact and want to be friends etc, you even say so yourself. However those who are pining for another chance should not go hours talking to each other because it will get them no where.

 

Billie,

 

Not to start a WAR of words with the poster you gave comment about, but I’ve been following her advice for a few days now.

 

Besides contradictions most of it is pertinent to her own situation (only)and not the great body at large when it comes to experiences. In actuality her own situation is not resolved by any means.

 

As we know there are some very senior posters on this forum that have not only managed the “ropes” of their own relationships, they have been around for thousands of stories and gleamed much from each other’s successes and failures.

 

The [highlight]poster[/highlight] you comment on appears limited in scope.

Edited September 16, 2010 by Am4Real

[Billie The Puppet]

Kind of a comical update now.

 

Tonight we were at the same event. I minded my own business ended up leaving eventually without talking to her.

 

Literally within 5 minutes after I left she called me. I did pick up and the first thing that she said was "why didn't you say hey to me tonight?"

 

I told her I didn't think that I had to.

 

This is starting to get funny to me, I can't understand her or figure her out. She's just acting weird.

 

OMG I am getting frustrated with this girl and I don't even know her or you.

 

Was seeing her hard on you ? I commend you for what you did though considering you've expressed in this thread how you think true NC would be hard yet you see the girl in flesh and pulled of NC. That's brave.

[Buccaneer55]

OMG I am getting frustrated with this girl and I don't even know her or you.

 

Was seeing her hard on you ? I commend you for what you did though considering you've expressed in this thread how you think true NC would be hard yet you see the girl in flesh and pulled of NC. That's brave.

 

Haha she can def be frustrating I can totally agree with that.

 

You know when I see her I just act like I'm fine, and go about doing my thing. It's when she texts or calls me practically everyday that just throws me off, because it's her acting the opposite of what she says she wants.

 

Like I said literally comical wanting to know why I didn't say hey to her

[Don Ho]

Silvaria can do as she likes, of course, it's her life. I don't agree with LC and I'm quite sure her approach with her Ex is going to lead to no where but more anguish for her. Right now, she says she's willing to take that chance. Fine. At some point, she will have to give in to NC when she decides she's had enough floundering, it's not working and she wants to move on. I'm fine with her having her own point of view and strategy. However, when she takes her unproven approach and advises other people they should try LC, that's where I have an issue.

 

When Silvaria says "I have my Ex back, in a committed, full relationship from doing LC and this is exactly how and why it worked" then I will listen. Until then, I will just consider her opinions naive and recommend that others not pay attention to them.

 

Silvaria, it's not that I dislike you or do not empathize with you, your pain and your situation. I have been in your position and I fully understand it. I just think you're doing some new members and members a disservice by advising them like someone with experience when you really don't have that much and making recommendations on your approach when you have not proven it successful. As I explained in another thread, I think 98% of the people should follow NC for a variety of reasons. I do not want others to read your posts and automatically think they are ALSO the exception.

[benB]

Kind of a comical update now.

 

Tonight we were at the same event. I minded my own business ended up leaving eventually without talking to her.

 

Literally within 5 minutes after I left she called me. I did pick up and the first thing that she said was "why didn't you say hey to me tonight?"

 

I told her I didn't think that I had to.

 

This is starting to get funny to me, I can't understand her or figure her out. She's just acting weird.

 

 

I have to see my ex 3 times a week, I try to do the same thing as you. She usually will text me after seeing me ignore her. But lately she has stopped doing that. It is so hard seeing her but not talking to her.

[Trovador]

Well, if your ex just want to be friends (and not even good friends) it doesn't matter if she calls one or five times a week...

 

LC seems to me like a smoke when you are trying to quit, it gives you some high but in the end you know that you must stop totally... (but that smoke doesn't burn your heart)

[9Lives]

I have to see my ex 3 times a week, I try to do the same thing as you. She usually will text me after seeing me ignore her. But lately she has stopped doing that. It is so hard seeing her but not talking to her.

 

 

huh oh..looks like the script has been flipped here. she keeping her eyes on you. I'm not convinced shhe really wants this breakup. why did u break up?

[Trovador]

Sorry to say this but if an ex asks you about why you ignored her, is not because she wants you back... they are genuinely surprised that you took to heart a "simple" break up... a couple of times my ex literally chased me when I turned back after seeing her coming in my direction... "don't be silly" she told me, "we are through but that doesn't mean we have to stop talking"...

[bighearted]

Sorry to say this but if an ex asks you about why you ignored her, is not because she wants you back... they are genuinely surprised that you took to heart a "simple" break up... a couple of times my ex literally chased me when I turned back after seeing her coming in my direction... "don't be silly" she told me, "we are through but that doesn't mean we have to stop talking"...

 

And then I'd tell her to "**** off," If an ex ever did that to me. She is having no respect for the time you need... all she is caring about is what she wants.

[lightning]

Wish I knew why they do this. It's bizarre, from my experience of personally ending relationships it's been a relief to get that person out of my life and I have literally been turned off them and would love it if they didn't keep trying... Instead all these dumpers like the dumpees... Maybe it's a personality type, like self-sabotage or risk taking to see if they can destroy then re-instate. So weird.

 

If she's regretting her decision at some point she'll explode and not be able to handle your indifference and lay her cards out... This convo has to come from her and in the meantime continue NC and moving on.

[benB]

huh oh..looks like the script has been flipped here. she keeping her eyes on you. I'm not convinced shhe really wants this breakup. why did u break up?

 

 

She never told me the real reasons why but I am pretty sure it is to be single. I think she is already involved with someone else. We haven't spoken since Sunday and last night she sent me a texting saying "Thinking about you alot, Love you goodnight, I miss everything". Seems like bait to me because her actions say the opposite of that bs text.

[Am4Real]

She never told me the real reasons why but I am pretty sure it is to be single. I think she is already involved with someone else. We haven't spoken since Sunday and last night she sent me a texting saying "Thinking about you alot, Love you goodnight, I miss everything". Seems like bait to me because her actions say the opposite of that bs text.

 

I hope you didn't answer it -- it is bait.

 

She wants to hear "I miss you too, I want us to be a couple again", blah, blah, blah...that will help her sleep and keep you up all night!

[benB]

I hope you didn't answer it -- it is bait.

 

She wants to hear "I miss you too, I want us to be a couple again", blah, blah, blah...that will help her sleep and keep you up all night!

 

 

No I didn't answer of course, I am used to her bs games.

[Buccaneer55]

Ok so we ended up talking about us. She says she doesn't believe I'll change (she thinks we'll continue to argue or I'll make her feel unimportant), but the only way she'd believe maybe I did change would be if we were still having limited contact but not talking about our relationship and making her feel pressured into believing I changed. She said even if I do this it doesn't mean we'd get back together (however she admitted it's only because she doesn't believe I can do it.) She said she wasn't over me yet either. My question is should I do this to try and get her back (which is what I want) or should I just walk away?

[Am4Real]

Ok so we ended up talking about us. She says she doesn't believe I'll change (she thinks we'll continue to argue or I'll make her feel unimportant), but the only way she'd believe maybe I did change would be if we were still having limited contact but not talking about our relationship and making her feel pressured into believing I changed. She said even if I do this it doesn't mean we'd get back together (however she admitted it's only because she doesn't believe I can do it.) She said she wasn't over me yet either. My question is should I do this to try and get her back (which is what I want) or should I just walk away?

 

Hello BUC,

 

The problem with limited contact is there are no rules. One party will want more communication and not receive it; the other party wants less communication and finds they are in the midst of too much. So the entire limited communication plan becomes the secondary issue in the relationship. Make sense?

 

If limited contact is being used as an option for reconciliation (which from your words appears more of a soft let-down discussion that is not in your favor) why not use couples therapy to address the problem(s). Honestly BUC, how does limited contact fix anything if every time there is contact you are on your best behavior – she will never really believe it – she will think you are acting or doing what you can to win her over. She will think of you as weak and desperate even though you are neither.

 

If you are going to talk with her again soon as I believe you are, why not tell her you’ve been giving “things much thought and could use her help”, then suggest couples counseling/therapy or some form of mediation for uncovering “my” issues and “our” problems. It can be very beneficial if both parties enter the program willingly. If she resists, drop it. That should tell you right then and there you were soft-dumped with the “ol gentle let down”.

 

You go full and complete NO CONTACT at that point. You do not respond to any future incoming communications until she states emphatically of her intentions and these intentions are acceptable to you. But most importantly do not use NO CONTACT as a tool to get her back, it doesn’t work that way, only know that she may then contact you for a variety of reasons we talk about in other threads. Follow a post by [highlight]CaliGuy[/highlight] on the methods and benefits of NO CONTACT in the healing process and get started.

 

In the meantime work on that “change and improvement” of yourself you spoke about…if not for her it will be the next great person that comes along in your life and she will, believe me on that one!

 

Perhaps after some time has passed and you know more about yourself it will be about the same time someone wants to know more about you!!

 

Best wishes.

[9Lives]

Ok so we ended up talking about us. She says she doesn't believe I'll change (she thinks we'll continue to argue or I'll make her feel unimportant), but the only way she'd believe maybe I did change would be if we were still having limited contact but not talking about our relationship and making her feel pressured into believing I changed. She said even if I do this it doesn't mean we'd get back together (however she admitted it's only because she doesn't believe I can do it.) She said she wasn't over me yet either. My question is should I do this to try and get her back (which is what I want) or should I just walk away?

 

Well Buc, its your call but LC is not going to fix things, but leave room for anxiety and guessing. If you dont want to let go and she doesnt want to let go...then try to figure out what is really keeping you apart and can it be fixed? If you are not going to treat her better then dont be trying to get back together. Or if you think she is not what you want in a woman, then stop all the games. Im not trya blame you or anything like that. Im just saying, do you want this girl? Are you ready to treat her right? Do you trust her? Whats the issue? can it really be fixed?

[Buccaneer55]

Well Buc, its your call but LC is not going to fix things, but leave room for anxiety and guessing. If you dont want to let go and she doesnt want to let go...then try to figure out what is really keeping you apart and can it be fixed? If you are not going to treat her better then dont be trying to get back together. Or if you think she is not what you want in a woman, then stop all the games. Im not trya blame you or anything like that.

Im just saying, 1 do you want this girl? 2 Are you ready to treat her right? 3 Do you trust her? 4 Whats the issue? 5 can it really be fixed?

 

1. Yes

 

2. Yes

 

3. Yes I do

 

4. She has a hard time believing me

 

5. Yes (It's happened before)

 

The thing keeping us apart is she says she's not letting her guard down when it comes to this right now. Yet SHE still wants to initiate something with me everyday.

 

Part of me believes that she wants to see if I what I'm telling her is the truth and genuine, and the only way she'll believe it is if I do it while believing there is no chance for me and her.

 

We both know that neither one of us is over the other, I have to prove to her that I CAN treat her better, that's my biggest obstacle. However, as long as she's willing to talk to me, I feel like I have the chance to prove it to her

[9Lives]

1. Yes

 

2. Yes

 

3. Yes I do

 

4. She has a hard time believing me

 

5. Yes (It's happened before)

 

The thing keeping us apart is she says she's not letting her guard down when it comes to this right now. Yet SHE still wants to initiate something with me everyday.

 

Part of me believes that she wants to see if I what I'm telling her is the truth and genuine, and the only way she'll believe it is if I do it while believing there is no chance for me and her.

 

We both know that neither one of us is over the other, I have to prove to her that I CAN treat her better, that's my biggest obstacle. However, as long as she's willing to talk to me, I feel like I have the chance to prove it to her

 

well buc..then let her know you ready to treat her right for real but u don't want no lc games. just get back on track or not. u don't want to do the gray thing too much. its not to ypur benefit. word it however u want but don't play lc too much. its not good