Frustrated with her contact

[Buccaneer55]

I'll just keep this post short. Lately I've been getting real frustrated with how my ex wants to text me just to ask me little questions. (Did you have a good time here, are you enjoying working there... blah blah blah)

 

I had been wanting to keep to maybe some sort of limited contact with her, but to be honest it's just getting to me. If she knows I want to get back together, and she doesn't right now, why does she have to initiate something with me every couple of days?

 

Starting to tick me off.

[Silvaria]

If she knows I want to get back together, and she doesn't right now, why does she have to initiate something with me every couple of days?

/nod

 

I've been reading your posts, and we are in very similar situations.

 

I suppose it could just be an ego trip for them, or maybe they are just confused about what they really want. I wish I had answers...but I definitely feel your frustration.

 

Just curious, is it starting to tick you off enough to want to cut off all contact with her?

[Buccaneer55]

/nod

 

I've been reading your posts, and we are in very similar situations.

 

I suppose it could just be an ego trip for them, or maybe they are just confused about what they really want. I wish I had answers...but I definitely feel your frustration.

 

Just curious, is it starting to tick you off enough to want to cut off all contact with her?

 

 

I've tried going no contact on her, it's like she won't let me (haha i know that sounds bad, but she can't go more than 5 days without her reaching out to me) I feel like she's not letting me go.

 

Part of it I feel is because she knows I'm too nice a guy to ignore someone, so it's like she knows she's going to get a response out of me.

 

My biggest struggle is I can't seem to talk to her without bringing us up in some sort of way. Of course it makes her mad, but then I think why are you contacting me in the first place if you're not open to us?

 

I wish she'd leave me alone if she's not going to get back together with me, because it's so aggravating this way.

 

I just saw this posted by Don Ho in another thread and maybe it's while I'll try, give it a look too and see what you think http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

Edited September 10, 2010 by Buccaneer55

[Billie The Puppet]

You won't let yourself go No Contact by replying to her contact.

 

My ex was the exact same, but I now go by: "No Reply is the Best Reply"

 

Did your limited contact decrease from phone calls to online only?

 

(Limited Contact lasted about a month and a half for me and the above is exactly how it progressed )

 

We are currently on No Contact (Day 7)

 

Trust me NC is best if its aggravating you, I went as far as comparing my limited contact to Heroin. I'm on a high while the contact is being made but get my lows when contact is over and the lows are more painful and damaging to my health than the brief High I get from hey at least we are talking.

 

She contacts so she can be guilt less or feed her own ego and yes it is almost always trivial generic questions because she can't ask you anything but those. If she wants you she will let you know and that is the only time you should break your part of No Contact and that's only if you are willing to give it a second chance or If you have moved on and are still willing to be friends ie you are no longer emotionally attached or otherwise indifferent.

Edited September 10, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[Silvaria]

Buccaneer, I checked out that link...personally, I agree that limited contact is a viable option if you're finding NC impossible, as I am.

 

That being said, there are several things on the page of that link that I believe are very, very important. I truly believe that my ex is warming up to me by degrees, and I think some of this is a result of a few of these rules that I have been following:

 

1. Stop needing them and fake indifference

 

2. Stop telling them you love them

 

3. Stop questioning them

 

and most importantly,

 

4. Don’t bring up any relationship talk/break up talk

 

Two weeks into my breakup, I was doing the opposite of all these things, and one night, he simply exploded. He said he was tired of hearing it, that we were through and I needed to deal with it. Then he blocked me on AIM, and had no contact with me for almost a week.

 

When he did start writing me again, I acted fairly cool and indifferent, which pretty much leads to the other three. And now, three weeks later, he genuinely seems to be starting to care about me again, and even called me an affectionate name last night, for the first time since our breakup. This may indeed be building false hope for me, and if it all comes crashing down at some point, well...I'll deal with it then. I don't "have" him now and I won't have him if that happens, so frankly, I have nothing to lose by trying.

 

However...if you truly are getting aggravated by her contact, then as Billie said, you may simply want to go NC for your OWN sake. Personally, I'm not there yet, as I still enjoy our contact and feel like it is building a relationship between us again, but, everyone's situation is different. You have to do what works for you.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide, and keep us posted.

[Trovador]

Same situation here but every time her contact was less frequent... in the early days when we were not longer an item, her constant contact kept me going and then I did what any other sane man on Earth would do: bring forth the relationship... she'd get mad and then some days of silence, broken by her, again.. rinse and repeat... until lately she called just in the mornings... and while I expected her calls somehow everything was worse than before, than when we were sweeties, than when we kept strong contact but were through... expecting her call the whole day was horrendous... so I swore this time it is definitive and I am now NC...

 

I prefer nothing than just crumbs... and I am fine... really...

[Buccaneer55]

Same situation here but every time her contact was less frequent... in the early days when we were not longer an item, her constant contact kept me going and then I did what any other sane man on Earth would do: bring forth the relationship... she'd get mad and then some days of silence, broken by her, again.. rinse and repeat... until lately she called just in the mornings... and while I expected her calls somehow everything was worse than before, than when we were sweeties, than when we kept strong contact but were through... expecting her call the whole day was horrendous... so I swore this time it is definitive and I am now NC...

 

I prefer nothing than just crumbs... and I am fine... really...

 

Doesn't it get old the rinse and repeat? I get tired of the cycle myself.

 

Honestly, I love hearing from her, but if she's so certain there's no reconciliation why does she bother to contact me? This is where I continually get stuck. I'm not the one initiating the contact it's ALWAYS her

 

If I was completely honest, I don't think I could ever be her for friend. 6 years is too long of a relationship to ever have just a friendship afterwards.

 

The days we don't talk I actually do good and I feel good, it's when she does reach out to me that it messes with my head, and makes me wonder about down the road.

[Trovador]

I wouldn´t mind her calls or texts... it is when she tells me "call you in a sec" or "l'll call you tonight" and she doesn´t that gets me mad... or simply she "forgets" to do it for a whole day... I wonder if she really doesn´t care or she fights against her desire to do it... and I am not sure if I want to know the truth...

 

Sometimes I think she loves me but doesn´t want a relationship with me... other times I see it as if she does it out of guilt... I don't think she is stringing me along

 

But over all I wonder why doesn´t she ask me not to call her or see her more... why it's me the one to go NC... but at the end of the day, just like you said, I don't want to be her friend... I deserve a lot more than that...

[Silvaria]

The days we don't talk I actually do good and I feel good

To me, this is huge. If I actually felt -better- on the days I don't hear from him, I wouldn't even want to hear from him...in fact, I'm rather jealous, LOL...I'd like to reach that point soon, as it would make the days he doesn't contact me a whole lot easier than they are now.

[9Lives]

it took me a long time to come to this conclusion but I finally realized that NC meant no new pain..no more wondering as much...no more agonizing as before. i finally embraced it. the gift of NC is getting myself back...my emotions are stable...my moods are better...my peace of mind is back. I still love him I guess but what he is offering me drives me bananas and its doesn't do me good. its has taken me so long to realize all these things.

[Don Ho]

You are the Dumpee? Why did she break up with you? Do you want her back? I post that link, to Nuala's thread, ONLY to show people how they should act if they have contact or a meeting with their Ex. I do not agree with Light Contact and think for 99% of people it is not a good idea. No one should assume they are in the 1%. I think maybe that's for people that were married for 10-20 years, have kids, a substance issue and so on. It it not for your normal breakup. No, you should not be conversing with her or doing LC, it is clearly not helping you.

[Buccaneer55]

To me, this is huge. If I actually felt -better- on the days I don't hear from him, I wouldn't even want to hear from him...in fact, I'm rather jealous, LOL...I'd like to reach that point soon, as it would make the days he doesn't contact me a whole lot easier than they are now.

 

The reason I feel better on these days, is because I'm not questioning why she keeps reaching out to me. When we don't talk I just don't worry about it as much.

 

When she sends me a text or something it seems to give me some sort of hope that she's contacting me because there is a possibility of a future relationship. Why else would she feel the need to contact me?

 

 

1You are the Dumpee?

 

2Why did she break up with you?

 

3Do you want her back?

 

I post that link, to Nuala's thread, ONLY to show people how they should act if they have contact or a meeting with their Ex. I do not agree with Light Contact and think for 99% of people it is not a good idea. No one should assume they are in the 1%. I think maybe that's for people that were married for 10-20 years, have kids, a substance issue and so on. It it not for your normal breakup. No, you should not be conversing with her or doing LC, it is clearly not helping you.

 

1. Yes I'm the dumpee

 

2. We had started arguing a lot and she felt she wasn't important enough

 

3. Yes I want her back

 

The biggest reason I keep light contact is we went through almost an identical situation 3 years ago. I kept light contact with her and we got back together. Again I can't figure out why she can say no to a relationship, and then be the initiator to all convos

[Don Ho]

Ok, LC worked in the past. That was then. I think you need not to respond to her trivial messages. By not responding, you show her that is not going to work and she will have to step up to the plate. She makes a choice and starts saying she misses you or wants to see you OR she doesn't. The problem with LC is you're not building any value in her eyes, you're not a challenge and she never really has the opportunity to miss you and want you back. The Dumper has to come back to YOU. They have to chose to want to be with you or it won't work. I don't think LC changes the power balance at all, it just seems sometimes people just "go along" and get back together. Nothing gets changed and you still have more interest in them then they do in you. That's not what you want. My advice: go NC and see if she starts coming back with something worthwhile. If not, do yourself a favor and find a woman that really WANTS to be with you.

[Buccaneer55]

Ok, LC worked in the past. That was then. I think you need not to respond to her trivial messages. By not responding, you show her that is not going to work and she will have to step up to the plate. She makes a choice and starts saying she misses you or wants to see you OR she doesn't. The problem with LC is you're not building any value in her eyes, you're not a challenge and she never really has the opportunity to miss you and want you back. The Dumper has to come back to YOU. They have to chose to want to be with you or it won't work. I don't think LC changes the power balance at all, it just seems sometimes people just "go along" and get back together. Nothing gets changed and you still have more interest in them then they do in you. That's not what you want. My advice: go NC and see if she starts coming back with something worthwhile. If not, do yourself a favor and find a woman that really WANTS to be with you.

 

I do need to let her make a choice, and while she's saying it's not me I need to not answer her. I really find it humorous at times that she wants to know what I'm doing sometimes I'm pretty sure she's forfeited those rights.

 

It just sucks going complete NC with her, because I do enjoy hearing from her at the same time it lets me know she's thinking of me. However, again I have a really hard time talking to her without talking about us, and I KNOW that doesn't help me.

 

I do still want to eventually reconcile our relationship, and I want to do what's best for that to happen.

[Don Ho]

I do need to let her make a choice, and while she's saying it's not me I need to not answer her. I really find it humorous at times that she wants to know what I'm doing sometimes I'm pretty sure she's forfeited those rights.

 

It just sucks going complete NC with her, because I do enjoy hearing from her at the same time it lets me know she's thinking of me. However, again I have a really hard time talking to her without talking about us, and I KNOW that doesn't help me.

 

I do still want to eventually reconcile our relationship, and I want to do what's best for that to happen.

 

Yes, SHE needs to make a choice and basically that can only be done if you stay away. Yeah, of course she want to keep tabs on you. Too bad, you're single so don't tell her anything. She wants to know what you're doing because she wants to think you still want her and you're just sitting at home pining for her. That's why you don't tell her or tell you've been "going out" and do not elaborate or give details.

 

That's very sweet Bro. I always wanted my Ex that dumped me to contact me cuz it always made me feel better that she was thinking of me too. WTH are you thinking? Are you serious? The only thing you want to find out (while you're not talking to her) is IF she misses you and comes begging back. Other than that, I'm sure you can find a nice blankee for comfort. LOL.

 

IF you want any possibility of reconciling or her coming around, DO NOT CONTACT. She must be the one that contacts you and tells you she made a mistake and wants you back. It will not work any other way. Unless of course you want to do LC, maybe get back together (not likely) and then flounder around in the relationship because she never had to CHOSE to want you and be with you. Get it?

[Billie The Puppet]

During my LC time I had a conversation over the phone with the EX that went like this:

 

Ex: Hello I just wanted to say Hi

Me: Oh hi then well guess this is it so take care

Ex: Wait I just want to phone you to say Hi

Me: You said it twice in the first sentence look if you don't have any reason to call don't call.

Ex: I see how it is , I thought we could be civil you know so I can be the better person. Can't we treat each other as friends.

Me: I'm sorry we are both on different pages right now and I thinks it's best we not contact each other unless we are on the same page be it you up to mine or me down to yours.

Ex: Why are you making this so difficult? Anyways I wanted to tell you that XYZ's dog had to be put down.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that I guess you will be comforting her in these times.

Ex: Not at the moment she just wanted to be alone

Me: Okay well I have to go I'm watching TV with my younger sister

Ex: Oh I wanted to talk

Me: About what

Ex: Well just to say Hi and tell you about XYZ's dog

Me: You already did that's what we have been talking about.

 

This conversation somehow later turned into talking about our relationship later and I didn't return to watch a show with my younger sister.

 

I was the one that brought up the relationship this was before I found LS and Don Ho's advice in many threads and the e-book I purchased.

 

So yeah frustration comes easily when there is nothing to talk about as "friends"

 

Generic random **** repeated over and over. It would have been better if I never answered because she confused the hell out of me wanting to keep me on the line for no reason at all because we kept repeating the same subjects like there was nothing to talk about until I brought up the relationship. I took it as her wanting to keep me on the line as she wanted to reconcile boy did I take that wrong but this is weeks ago and long gone should be out of her memory by now oddly enough its not out of mine.

 

So I had a "High" because we talked for about an hour even though it was about nothing and then I had Low's hoping for another call.

 

Trust me NC is the only way to go if you are getting frustrated with the generic talks.

 

Had I ended it when I originally wanted to I would have left with the balance of power in my hands especially if I said something like I'll call you tomorrow and not call.

Edited September 12, 2010 by Billie The Puppet

[flyguy23]

I can relate to this, my ex dumped me a month ago, but she hasn't gone more than 5 days without a text or blowing up my phone with calls. It is comforting for me when I see her contacting me, it is weird. But I do not answer because I am angry with her. She went on a date with a guy that I know last night but keeps contacting me saying sorry and a bunch of bs. I am now frustrated with her contact. I don't want to see her or talk to her ever again. I don't get why she keeps contacting me.

[Don Ho]

I don't want to see her or talk to her ever again. I don't get why she keeps contacting me.

 

Cuz people always want what they can't have. If you take her back, then she will have you, and she will probably dump you again.

[Buccaneer55]

Yes, SHE needs to make a choice and basically that can only be done if you stay away. Yeah, of course she want to keep tabs on you. Too bad, you're single so don't tell her anything. She wants to know what you're doing because she wants to think you still want her and you're just sitting at home pining for her. That's why you don't tell her or tell you've been "going out" and do not elaborate or give details.

 

That's very sweet Bro. I always wanted my Ex that dumped me to contact me cuz it always made me feel better that she was thinking of me too. WTH are you thinking? Are you serious? The only thing you want to find out (while you're not talking to her) is IF she misses you and comes begging back. Other than that, I'm sure you can find a nice blankee for comfort. LOL.

 

IF you want any possibility of reconciling or her coming around, DO NOT CONTACT. She must be the one that contacts you and tells you she made a mistake and wants you back. It will not work any other way. Unless of course you want to do LC, maybe get back together (not likely) and then flounder around in the relationship because she never had to CHOSE to want you and be with you. Get it?

 

Haha awesome words of advice. The thing is I already let her contact me. I don't think I've initiated anything with her in about 3 weeks. Although when she does contact me it is pretty trivial ( How's your internship, hope you've had a good week type of stuff) I try not to keep her in the loop on what I'm doing, and I've hidden her facebook page as I surely don't want to know what she's doing.

 

 

During my LC time I had a conversation over the phone with the EX that went like this:

 

Ex: Hello I just wanted to say Hi

Me: Oh hi then well guess this is it so take care

Ex: Wait I just want to phone you to say Hi

Me: You said it twice in the first sentence look if you don't have any reason to call don't call.

Ex: I see how it is , I thought we could be civil you know so I can be the better person. Can't we treat each other as friends.

Me: I'm sorry we are both on different pages right now and I thinks it's best we not contact each other unless we are on the same page be it you up to mine or me down to yours.

Ex: Why are you making this so difficult? Anyways I wanted to tell you that XYZ's dog had to be put down.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that I guess you will be comforting her in these times.

Ex: Not at the moment she just wanted to be alone

Me: Okay well I have to go I'm watching TV with my younger sister

Ex: Oh I wanted to talk

Me: About what

Ex: Well just to say Hi and tell you about XYZ's dog

Me: You already did that's what we have been talking about.

 

This conversation somehow later turned into talking about our relationship later and I didn't return to watch a show with my younger sister.

 

I was the one that brought up the relationship this was before I found LS and Don Ho's advice in many threads and the e-book I purchased.

 

So yeah frustration comes easily when there is nothing to talk about as "friends"

 

Generic random **** repeated over and over. It would have been better if I never answered because she confused the hell out of me wanting to keep me on the line for no reason at all because we kept repeating the same subjects like there was nothing to talk about until I brought up the relationship. I took it as her wanting to keep me on the line as she wanted to reconcile boy did I take that wrong but this is weeks ago and long gone should be out of her memory by now oddly enough its not out of mine.

 

So I had a "High" because we talked for about an hour even though it was about nothing and then I had Low's hoping for another call.

 

Trust me NC is the only way to go if you are getting frustrated with the generic talks.

 

Had I ended it when I originally wanted to I would have left with the balance of power in my hands especially if I said something like I'll call you tomorrow and not call.

 

That's the problem I have. It's all generic texts or a generic phone call. Apparently yesterday she tried calling me 3 times in like a 30 minute span before finally leaving me a VM. That's the stuff that makes me wonder.

 

However, she doesn't do it every day. She usually tries to contact me between 3-5 days at a time.

[Billie The Puppet]

It will diminish

 

Mine went with Break Up:

 

Calls daily even calls for help,

 

Changed from calls to Text's 2 times a week

 

Changed from Text's to Im's once a week

 

now nothing at all but I requested this wish I hadn't I wish I just did the vanishing act

 

You are helping her heal and prolonging your own healing process.

[Don Ho]

Oh, the old "3 Day Rule". LOL! That's too make you miss her and want her. Is it working? LOL. I wouldn't answer her calls or respond to her trivial texts. If she's not telling you something IMPORTANT, like she is missing you and going crazy, don't bother. She's just stringing you along to make herself feel comforted. How do you like being her emotional tampon Bro?

[Buccaneer55]

Oh, the old "3 Day Rule". LOL! That's too make you miss her and want her. Is it working? LOL. I wouldn't answer her calls or respond to her trivial texts. If she's not telling you something IMPORTANT, like she is missing you and going crazy, don't bother. She's just stringing you along to make herself feel comforted. How do you like being her emotional tampon Bro?

 

It's a bloody mess LOL. No she hasn't said anything important to me like she misses me or anything like that, it's just basic stuff.

 

All she says about us is she "isn't" going to forget how I feel. I know I know, that's like giving her ALL the power. I wish I hadn't done that. Sure I want to get back together with her, but I don't want her to think all she has to do is snap her finger, and then it happens.

[flyguy23]

My ex just sent me a text saying she wishes I was holding her right now, all of her texts or calls are that she misses me, loves me, wants to be with me. But she wont actually say she is sorry and wants to get back together. It is pissing me off. I told her to stop talking to me and she still sends this crap almost daily. Her actions say one thing and her words say another.

[Buccaneer55]

My ex just sent me a text saying she wishes I was holding her right now, all of her texts or calls are that she misses me, loves me, wants to be with me. But she wont actually say she is sorry and wants to get back together. It is pissing me off. I told her to stop talking to me and she still sends this crap almost daily. Her actions say one thing and her words say another.

 

 

Wow dude that is BRUTAL! That seems like major stringing along. She's practically talking to you like you're a couple but keeping you at arms length too.

 

I can see why this would piss you off, that's just wrong on so many levels.

 

I tried telling my ex to not contact me once as well, it worked for 5 days.

[Don Ho]

My ex just sent me a text saying she wishes I was holding her right now, all of her texts or calls are that she misses me, loves me, wants to be with me. But she wont actually say she is sorry and wants to get back together. It is pissing me off. I told her to stop talking to me and she still sends this crap almost daily. Her actions say one thing and her words say another.

 

So you're holding out because she won't say "sorry"?