Why do I attract men in relationships???

[witabix]

I think there must be something vulnerable about you. You are apparently very approachable and men feel comfortable, that you are open to them. For example, I would never be alone with a married man just hanging out watching movies, or shopping for his wife. That is making you a target for that sort of thing, and the guys feel they can push boundaries with you, because they are getting a vibe from you that there is a great possibility you will be receptive to their boundary pushing.

 

I think Cupcakes post was overlooked.

 

because YOU allow it. YOU are the common denominator in all these - so you need to look at how you participate.

 

stop participating the way you have prior. MM don't approach me that way because they KNOW i won't go there with them..

 

set a solid boundary - and stick to it.

 

don't drink - we make poor choices when intoxicated... THAT is for sure.

 

and say NO - you are allowed to tell them no.

 

2sunny makes a few good points too. If you hang out with married people mostly and you are known to be single the men will see you as an opportunity.

 

I have known quite a few women in my time that have had difficulties with boundaries. Sometimes it is simple naivete, other times it seems to be a deeper issue about self esteem and such. I can see no evidence from your posts that you are struggling with any inner issues.

 

Just change your circle of friends, or some of them, hang out with more single people.

[gypsy_nicky]

Spookie, my questions are related to your topic;

 

may I ask, how attractive are you from a scale of 1-10? (what you think, and others)

 

How do you view yourself?

 

Are you saying that most of the guys you end being intimate with are already taken? What about your current and soon to be ex you discussed in a recent thread, wasn't he single to begin with?

 

Maybe your emotionally unavailable?

[spookie]

Spookie, my questions are related to your topic;

 

may I ask, how attractive are you from a scale of 1-10? (what you think, and others)

 

How do you view yourself?

 

Are you saying that most of the guys you end being intimate with are already taken? What about your current and soon to be ex you discussed in a recent thread, wasn't he single to begin with?

 

Maybe your emotionally unavailable?

 

I think I'm a solid 7, an 8 on thin days when I take the time to pick out clothes that match, put on makeup, and do my hair.

 

I have lately developed a positive self-image. I mean, what's not to like? I have my s!ht together and I'm generally a good person, in addition to being physically attractive.

 

However, I kind of feel like I have an ability to sell a much more charismatic image of myself than I really am. For example, I have perfected the art of being very friendly, approachable, and entertaining, when you first meet me, and I thrive in groups of 3-8 by assuming a lead role.

 

As a result, almost everyone likes me, but I can't keep it up 1-1 long enough to have many true friends. I would say atm, my ex/stbx is the only true friend I have in this city, as he is the only person who "knows" me.

 

I don't get intimate with too many people.

 

-I dated someone I loved a lot for 3.5 years (he was single)

 

-Casually dated a series of guys w/ whom I knew it'd go nowhere (all single)

 

-Moved to a new city, dated someone for a couple of months (single)

 

-slept with married friend

 

-spent almost 2 years being hit on by taken aquaintaces (NOT messing around with any of them) and not getting asked out by any single guys

 

-messed around with ex before I found out he was in a committed relationship, then dated him for almost a year after he broke up with his gf

 

Maybe I am emotionally unavailable? Would that explain my patterns? I don't really know.

[Land Shark]

However, I kind of feel like I have an ability to sell a much more charismatic image of myself.

 

Hm. How much do you have in mind? I don't think the everyday online sites are where you want to be putting up that kind of profile.

[gypsy_nicky]

I think I'm a solid 7, an 8 on thin days when I take the time to pick out clothes that match, put on makeup, and do my hair.

 

I have lately developed a positive self-image. I mean, what's not to like? I have my s!ht together and I'm generally a good person, in addition to being physically attractive.

 

However, I kind of feel like I have an ability to sell a much more charismatic image of myself than I really am. For example, I have perfected the art of being very friendly, approachable, and entertaining, when you first meet me, and I thrive in groups of 3-8 by assuming a lead role.

 

As a result, almost everyone likes me, but I can't keep it up 1-1 long enough to have many true friends. I would say atm, my ex/stbx is the only true friend I have in this city, as he is the only person who "knows" me.

 

I don't get intimate with too many people.

 

-I dated someone I loved a lot for 3.5 years (he was single)

 

-Casually dated a series of guys w/ whom I knew it'd go nowhere (all single)

 

-Moved to a new city, dated someone for a couple of months (single)

 

-slept with married friend

 

-spent almost 2 years being hit on by taken aquaintaces (NOT messing around with any of them) and not getting asked out by any single guys

 

-messed around with ex before I found out he was in a committed relationship, then dated him for almost a year after he broke up with his gf

 

Maybe I am emotionally unavailable? Would that explain my patterns? I don't really know.

 

Thank you.

 

Looks to me like your just an attractive woman who gets her fair share of suitors from anywhere/everywhere. I don't think you gravitate towards taken men, its more likely its them that gravitate to you.

 

I think you are ok regarding esteem and not emotionally unavailable.

 

In terms of your friendly and outgoing demeanor, I think this is where you will have problems. Most men, take friendliness the wrong way (thats why attractive women have b*tch shields).

 

Married men are sneaky when lusting after a single woman. Very good at deception. Theyre also more attractive because they're taken.

 

Me thinks you need that b*tch shield

[Serenitynow]

almost everyone likes me, but I can't keep it up 1-1 long enough to have many true friends. I would say atm, my ex/stbx is the only true friend I have in this city, as he is the only person who "knows" me.

 

Do you realize thats an issue?

 

Do you fit in with groups only because alcohol is involved?

 

either way, thats a red flag if you get along in a group but cant function 1 on 1 with most people.

 

And whats up with the "he the only one that knows me" ?

 

So you arent yourself with other people? I'm assuming you act fake just to fit in or garner attention?

 

.

[spookie]

Do you realize thats an issue?

 

Do you fit in with groups only because alcohol is involved?

 

either way, thats a red flag if you get along in a group but cant function 1 on 1 with most people.

 

And whats up with the "he the only one that knows me" ?

 

So you arent yourself with other people? I'm assuming you act fake just to fit in or garner attention?

 

.

 

There's not usually alcohol involved, and I don't act fake 1-1. It's just that I'm good at small talk, but not so much at 1-1 talk.

[Mad Max]

Did you read by post, Max?

 

I knew #1 was involved and something happened.

 

I DID NOT know #2 was involved, and something happened.

 

I knew #3 was involved, and nothing happened.

 

How are you counting three transgressions on my part????

 

 

Believe me hun, I read your post. Every word in fact. You knew #1 was married and had casual sex with him. Strike 1. You didn't know #2 was involved, but you allowed yourself to be put in that situation and still had casual sex. Strike 2. The only reason #3 didn't lead to sex was because you got c*ck blocked by your girlfriend. If she wasn't around, you definitely would have hooked up with him. Strike 3, you're out.

 

 

And those are 3 transgressions. Alcohol is clearly clouding your judgment. If you can't control yourself while drunk, stop drinking.

[Star Gazer]

Spook, these men aren't the only ones attracted to you. For whatever reason, you're attracted to unavailable men - in both the literal and figurative sense. You're choosing relationships that have no real chance for a future. Only you know why.

[Stung]

You really need to hang out with a better class of friends, for one. Cool it with the drinking for a while, as well.

 

While I know you don't like some of the harsh judgments being slung around on this thread--can't say as I blame you, necessarily--I do think you might want to revisit it later and try to reread with a little more objectivity. Some of it is just meanspirited judgment, yes, but some of it I read more as smacking you with the clue-by-four; never pleasant, but sometimes necessary to face. Some of these people are just trying to make you face your weak boundaries a little more realistically, IMO.

 

For what it's worth, I'm pretty mellow in general and my husband does have female friends he occasionally goes to lunch or coffee with but I wouldn't be thrilled about him lunching regularly alone with them--and I would really not appreciate them drinking, shopping, talking intimately about our marriage or cuddling (pretty sure that last one is obvious). In instance #1 you were crossing lines before you ever got near that couch with him.

 

As for why--nobody can tell you exactly. There are some men who will hit on anything, no matter what anyone's respective relationship status. There are some men who will hit on women who seem vulnerable, in search of an ego stroke. There are some men who are a little bored in their marriage and start taking another look at the 'friend' who seems a little too 'friendly'. There are dozens of other possible scenarios.

[BentSpine]

and 2) the rejection is not as big a deal when you have someone to go home to anyway.

This. spookie you are approached by men who don't have much to loose if you reject them. They believe they have other potential women already lined up in case you're not game. On the other hand, men who find you special and not easily replacable, will want better chance of avoiding rejection before they'll approach. These are the men that are online dating. Rejection stings harder the less validation one has gotten, and women neither approach nor openly admire a man until he's clearly more attractive than average. So it's harder for a man to get into that mindset of plenty as opposed to scarcity. And approaching someone that you've invested in makes the heart beat faster, since your heart can get slashed in a second. It can be tempting to chicken out and tell yourself you'll do it another day instead, when you have wooed a little bit more. But if you only deem men worthy if they approach you without encouragement from you, you will miss a lot of men who values you highly. Maybe you're prepared to pay this price.

[LisaLee]

It sounds to me like you draw these men because you allow yourself to be in these situations. Everyone's analysis about stories 1, 2, and 3 are pretty spot on. I also agree that if you were not cock blocked you would have ended up with the guy... in fact after reading your first two stories I was surprised that you didn't. You say you have other stories that exhibit your point better, but I am assuming in those stories you act in much the same manner.

 

Your reasoning for why you have more married men who are friends over single men is a pretty bad one... it also makes it sounds like you are purposely seeking out married men over single guys.

 

Why are you so defensive with the critical posts? In the beginning you responded, but towards the end you are not only ignoring them, but actually telling people not to post in your thread. Inceptor's posts have been the most insightful and accurate, albeit blunt... they certainly do not paint a pretty picture of you, so I can understand to a degree why you are defensive.

 

I think you need to look at more than just the alcohol, beyond why you hide yourself, and also at the fact that you do seem to put yourself in awkward situations. And then ask yourself why you are in such denial over it.

[goldencloud]

We attract others based on signals we send out, whether we're aware of them or not, or in denial of the fact we know we send these signals out (hopefully this makes sense). Essentially what I'm trying to say is based on body language, 'subliminal' messages and naturally how we present ourselves, people form ideas about us, people realise what boundaries can be trespassed and what can't...And in the same sphere, it's this that attracts others to us (whether in noble pursuit or not).

Take me for example, for the longest time I literally JUST attracted unavailable success stories...For the life of me I couldn't understand WHY WHY I was having so much trouble meeting a decent man who'd like me for me as opposed to these men I was attracting which were probably a gold digger's dream come true, but certainly not mine.

I found my answer once I looked deeply into my character when in the presence of these men. I was always 'on', in that I mean I was never relaxed, never let my guard down and hence one could say I too seemed 'unavailable' based on how I was allowing others to perceive me, HENCE why I was attracting unavailable men whilst shunning decent men.

What I perceived to me just 'me' was actually NOT me, because the way I attracted around the opposite sex gave them a different perception of who I was. It was only when I said understood this mentality, only then was I able to create boundaries based on WHAT I was comfortable with. Interestingly enough, the overflow of 'unavailable' men attraction fizzled. I met a decent man, and I couldn't be happier.

To cut a long story short, often when a sticky situation continously reappears, and WE are the common demoninator to all the bad situations...maybe its not too farfetched to think that we are the problem? Hence fix that, before we start pointing fingers elsewhere.

Hope this helps babe

[naya1]

hm this used to happen to me before my looks went downhill.

i think the best thing to do is just avoid being alone with these men, dont watch a movie alone with them or drink alone with them. its just for your sanity and peace of mind. they cant control themselves around you, and you're lucky they werent rapists or perverts. a drunk woman cant defend herself around a stronger man (drunk or not)..

just turn them down politely. maybe u wanna be one of the boys but its clear thats not gonna happen.

if i did it w/ a guy whos in a relationship i admire, i would really be guilty to some biblical extent.

i dont think ur attracted to men in relationships, its the other way around. just dont be their excuse to cheat.

[2sunny]

We attract others based on signals we send out, whether we're aware of them or not, or in denial of the fact we know we send these signals out.

 

I found my answer once I looked deeply into my character when in the presence of these men. I was always 'on', in that I mean I was never relaxed, never let my guard down and hence one could say I too seemed 'unavailable' based on how I was allowing others to perceive me, HENCE why I was attracting unavailable men whilst shunning decent men.

 

 

gave them a different perception of who I was.

 

only then was I able to create boundaries based on WHAT I was comfortable with.

 

often when a sticky situation continously reappears, and WE are the common demoninator to all the bad situations...maybe its not too farfetched to think that we are the problem? Hence fix that, before we start pointing fingers elsewhere.

 

this is good... and really worth some soul searching effort to see what YOU are doing that creates this common denominator known as you.

 

YOU can change this - but the actions (body language etc.) needs to change as well as your words - and you need to start DOING it. just talking about it isn't enough, you have to DO it.

 

doing all of this changed my whole life - and my perspective and my perception about how i viewed men and how they viewed me.

 

they used to view me as "she's a flirt and maybe i could get with her, even if i'm married she will stroke my ego" now they view me as "don't mess with her unless i mean business and am seriously available and looking for a relationship because she's clear about what she does and doesn't want from a man."

 

big difference. try it!

[goldencloud]

2sunny, I'm COMPLETELY with you on this. Once I discovered this about myself, I also went from a 'good time flirt' 'pretty young thing I need to stroke my ego' etc etc to someone men actually take seriously. This discovery CHANGED my life, and I'm so much happier now. Seriously, I know its hard, at least it was for me, but we have to all take responsibilty for how sometimes - unintentional or not - our words/actions/presence can play against us.

[goldencloud]

On a side note, Spookie, look at my old posts from like a year or so ago(and back). It's enough to make me SHUDDER or cringe or hurl...Lol! I sound like an absolute twit! And believe it or not, I HAD NO IDEA how twit-like I sounded:lmao: Not that I'm saying our cases are the same, but you know what I mean:)

[2sunny]

2sunny, I'm COMPLETELY with you on this. Once I discovered this about myself, I also went from a 'good time flirt' 'pretty young thing I need to stroke my ego' etc etc to someone men actually take seriously. This discovery CHANGED my life, and I'm so much happier now. Seriously, I know its hard, at least it was for me, but we have to all take responsibilty for how sometimes - unintentional or not - our words/actions/presence can play against us.

 

 

it only plays against us IF we are not portraying what we want others to understand about us.

 

IF we are sending out signals and using words that tell someone that we are wanting something other than what we are willing to settle for - it is a form of a lie.

 

i had to look at every single way i communicated with others - and change what I was doing/saying. a solid and firm boundary helped me to decline when an offer crossed my boundary - a boundary that was decided upon to keep me happy, healthy and safe. i learned to say no when someone attempted to lure me to a place i knew i should be going. i learned to assess what I had done to prompt such a scenario - and not to do THAT again. i always had a choice. most times - the choice to say no keeps me in my safe place - which looks happy and healthy in the long run.

 

this boundary, and every decision made upon these guidelines, helped me to understand that in my past, i was only allowing things that were unacceptable to me - and definitely not good for me. change was so good when i kept my boundary in mind with everything i did/said.

 

change is good - it brings NEW experiences based upon one's authentic self.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with many of the others, spookie. You keep putting yourself in situations where you know you will be tempted. Add alcohol and what else would you expect to happen.