Why do I attract men in relationships???

[Mad Max]

No kidding... I shared something that happened 2 years ago, and all of a sudden I lack character and I'm a cheating slut? Yah... not true.

 

 

If you're getting involved with men knowing they're taken, yes you do lack character.

[spookie]

If you're getting involved with men knowing they're taken, yes you do lack character.

 

of course, how could i forget that no one makes mistakes

[InceptorsRule]

Wtf? What is it about me that draws these guys?

Sounds like pretty much the only reason they're attracted to you is cause you give it up pretty easily.

 

The first guy was looking to cheat on his wife cause he was done with the marriage, you were available and willing.

 

The second guy was also available, again you were willing.

 

Third guy was a little different--you had some competition, your gf, you played hard to get, she was willing to put out, so you got ditched and she was the "lucky winner." All three were obviously cheaters however. Stop hanging out with cheaters, they're easy targets for any woman willing to spread her legs after a couple of cocktails. You need a little, no check that, a lot more self respect.

 

Man I'll be that last one really stuck in your craw--the part where it suddenly started to finally dawn on you that maybe you're worth more as a person than simply your ability to attract men by giving them cheap and easy sex. You wanted that last guy to really like and respect you but as soon as it was established from whom the sex would be available that night (not you) he wasn't interested in you any longer.

 

 

 

I'll tell you what honey--stop hanging out with a bunch of lowlifes, stop giving up the sex at the drop of a hat to anyone who asks you for it, maybe you'll start having better luck in relaitonships.

Edited September 10, 2010 by InceptorsRule

[Pink Cupcakes]

I think there must be something vulnerable about you. You are apparently very approachable and men feel comfortable, that you are open to them. For example, I would never be alone with a married man just hanging out watching movies, or shopping for his wife. That is making you a target for that sort of thing, and the guys feel they can push boundaries with you, because they are getting a vibe from you that there is a great possibility you will be receptive to their boundary pushing.

[Land Shark]

Have you considered setting your boss up with someone?

[spookie]

That is completely unfair and uncalled for, if you are posting to call me promiscuous, stay away from my thread

[spookie]

Have you considered setting your boss up with someone?

 

Very funny, I've already warned all the women in the office I will shank them if they so much as look

[InceptorsRule]

I have never been promiscuous, but that may not be apparent by my hard-partying tendencies. (I'm a rare breed, a drunk, but not a slut).

 

I guess my OP was misleading, as I chose the two examples from my past where I WAS willing to cheat.

 

I'm not likely to go psycho and tell anyone's wife tho.

 

Are you tongue in cheek saying you're a drunk or do you have a problem with alcohol? If so stop drinking, period. Stop socializing and hanging out with lowlifes who drink and cheat. I'll bet both of your indiscretions which you've described involved use of alcohol, in fact that's rather obvious. Maybe if you hadn't been drinking those evenings you would have had more control over the situation.

 

If you see that you have a problem with alcohol then do something about it. Stop drinking. Yes you'll have to get a whole new set of friends but heck did you want to spend the rest of your life hanging out in biker bars? Probably not. Yes you'll have to find something to do with all that extra time and money that you're not spending hanging out drinking anymore.

 

Scary thought I know. Try it you'll like it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have never been promiscuous, but that may not be apparent by my hard-partying tendencies. (I'm a rare breed, a drunk, but not a slut).

I guess my OP was misleading, as I chose the two examples from my past where I WAS willing to cheat.

I'm not likely to go psycho and tell anyone's wife tho.

 

Hey... Hey... I'm not trying to call you slutty!

 

These guys just might get the idea that your into them. That's what I was trying to say.

 

There is a very important difference between actually being slutty... and having guys believe that you may have sex with them.

 

In fact I see the married guys who cheat... usually go for women who are not sluts, but seem emotionally vulnerable. They typically attempt to build emotional bonds prior to making a move as well.

[Land Shark]

Sometimes an unhappily married person will be more open with their flirting, because 1) being in a bad relationship can be a pretty big motivator to look for greener pastures, and 2) the rejection is not as big a deal when you have someone to go home to anyway.

 

Single people are more guarded and less likely to make a move. The ones who aren't like that also aren't single for long.

[SadandConfusedWA]

I guess I am naive too, but I recently accompanied a married co-worker to buy a necklace for his wife's bday. We are good friends and go to lunches often. I am slightly worried because I often catch him checking me out. So far he hasn't made a move.

 

I kind of felt that the fact that he would invite me shopping for his wife's jewelry is proof that we are really just friends

[Mad Max]

of course, how could i forget that no one makes mistakes

 

 

Once, maybe even twice would be a mistake. You gave three instances and there are likely more. This is beyond making a mistake. If you didn't know they were taken, that would be one thing. You know they're in relationships, yet still slept with them. If it was the former, I'd be more sympathetic. Since it's the latter, no sympathy. Sorry.

 

 

That is completely unfair and uncalled for, if you are posting to call me promiscuous, stay away from my thread

 

 

No one said anything about promiscuity. It's your character and morals that we question.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I guess I am naive too, but I recently accompanied a married co-worker to buy a necklace for his wife's bday. We are good friends and go to lunches often. I am slightly worried because I often catch him checking me out. So far he hasn't made a move.

I kind of felt that the fact that he would invite me shopping for his wife's jewelry is proof that we are really just friends

 

He may never make a move... but he probably wants to.

[InceptorsRule]

That is completely unfair and uncalled for, if you are posting to call me promiscuous, stay away from my thread

 

I don't know who you directed this statement to, but stop being so obnoxious. You asked why you only attracted attached men. While I didn't see anyone except yourself having used the word "promiscuous" to describe your behavior, having casual sex with your married neighbor with little or no prior intent or forethought (according to you anyway) is classically "promiscuous" behavior. If you didn't think that incident was quite relevant to your situation then you should not have used it as a prominent example.

 

Single women (or men) who have casual sex with married neighbors are engaging in "promiscuous" behavior. This sort of denial is also associated with alcoholism which you have already admitted to (assuming you weren't joking when you stated you were "a drunk".)

 

Even if it's true that you haven't had sex except twice in the past two years, that doesn't mean you are not perceived by others as being promiscuous. You're evidently hanging out in bars getting drunk frequently with lowlife people of both sexes, no doubt, all kinds of weird flirting and inappropriate behavior goes on. In fact you gave an example of that with the third guy. You're making it sound now as if you weren't after the guy that your gf bagged that night but in reality the two of you were probably in competition over him, you just weren't willing to "give it up" that night, at least we'll never know now because he went home with your gf, not you. You've already given a couple of anecdotes about how you were hanging out with a couple of men and somehow it turned into sex, what a surprise. No doubt something similar might have happened had your gf not c*ck-blocked you that night.

 

Yes the behavior you have described IS most definitely "promiscuous." Stop having casual sex with involved men then complaining on the internet that your behavior is influencing your ability to have a real relationship with an available man, but then turning around and b*tching because someone points out that what you've been doing is sexually "inappropriate" for the type of life you seem to be claiming that you want to lead in the future.

 

Time to make some changes honey, you're not getting any younger.

[EasyHeart]

I guess I am naive too, but I recently accompanied a married co-worker to buy a necklace for his wife's bday. We are good friends and go to lunches often. I am slightly worried because I often catch him checking me out. So far he hasn't made a move.

 

I kind of felt that the fact that he would invite me shopping for his wife's jewelry is proof that we are really just friends

It probably does. Not all men are necessarily trying to get into your panties. I'm in the reverse situation (single man with married female co-workers) and go shopping or go to lunch with them all the time. I'm not trying to sleep with them; they're just WAY more interesting than most of the men I work with. . .

[spookie]

Once, maybe even twice would be a mistake. You gave three instances and there are likely more. This is beyond making a mistake. If you didn't know they were taken, that would be one thing. You know they're in relationships, yet still slept with them. If it was the former, I'd be more sympathetic. Since it's the latter, no sympathy. Sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

No one said anything about promiscuity. It's your character and morals that we question.

 

Did you read by post, Max?

 

I knew #1 was involved and something happened.

 

I DID NOT know #2 was involved, and something happened.

 

I knew #3 was involved, and nothing happened.

 

How are you counting three transgressions on my part????

[InceptorsRule]

I guess I am naive too, but I recently accompanied a married co-worker to buy a necklace for his wife's bday. We are good friends and go to lunches often. I am slightly worried because I often catch him checking me out. So far he hasn't made a move.

 

I kind of felt that the fact that he would invite me shopping for his wife's jewelry is proof that we are really just friends

 

 

You're in your 30's right, ? , so it's not "naivety." This relationship you have sounds borderline if not outright inappropriate. You should not be having frequent one on one lunches with an opposite sex, married coworker, nor should you be jewelry shopping with him. You catch him checking you out so you know d*mn well this entire thing is just some sort of drawn out flirtation that is probably going nowhere. But if he is foolish enough to make a pass at you no doubt you will feign total surprise at his inappropriate behavior.

[spookie]

I don't know who you directed this statement to, but stop being so obnoxious. You asked why you only attracted attached men. While I didn't see anyone except yourself having used the word "promiscuous" to describe your behavior, having casual sex with your married neighbor with little or no prior intent or forethought (according to you anyway) is classically "promiscuous" behavior. If you didn't think that incident was quite relevant to your situation then you should not have used it as a prominent example.

 

Single women (or men) who have casual sex with married neighbors are engaging in "promiscuous" behavior. This sort of denial is also associated with alcoholism which you have already admitted to (assuming you weren't joking when you stated you were "a drunk".)

 

Even if it's true that you haven't had sex except twice in the past two years, that doesn't mean you are not perceived by others as being promiscuous. You're evidently hanging out in bars getting drunk frequently with lowlife people of both sexes, no doubt, all kinds of weird flirting and inappropriate behavior goes on. In fact you gave an example of that with the third guy. You're making it sound now as if you weren't after the guy that your gf bagged that night but in reality the two of you were probably in competition over him, you just weren't willing to "give it up" that night, at least we'll never know now because he went home with your gf, not you. You've already given a couple of anecdotes about how you were hanging out with a couple of men and somehow it turned into sex, what a surprise. No doubt something similar might have happened had your gf not c*ck-blocked you that night.

 

Yes the behavior you have described IS most definitely "promiscuous." Stop having casual sex with involved men then complaining on the internet that your behavior is influencing your ability to have a real relationship with an available man, but then turning around and b*tching because someone points out that what you've been doing is sexually "inappropriate" for the type of life you seem to be claiming that you want to lead in the future.

 

Time to make some changes honey, you're not getting any younger.

 

stay away from my threads

[2sunny]

 

But why is it that committed guys pursue me, while single men, do not???

 

 

because YOU allow it. YOU are the common denominator in all these - so you need to look at how you participate.

 

stop participating the way you have prior. MM don't approach me that way because they KNOW i won't go there with them..

 

set a solid boundary - and stick to it.

 

don't drink - we make poor choices when intoxicated... THAT is for sure.

 

and say NO - you are allowed to tell them no.

[spookie]

because YOU allow it. YOU are the common denominator in all these - so you need to look at how you participate.

 

stop participating the way you have prior. MM don't approach me that way because they KNOW i won't go there with them..

 

set a solid boundary - and stick to it.

 

don't drink - we make poor choices when intoxicated... THAT is for sure.

 

and say NO - you are allowed to tell them no.

 

Yah, I think I will stop drinking. It isn't even fun anymore, just a way to avoid the pangs of loneliness.

 

Last night my friends were such a s!ht show that even through my drunkenness I was aware how much I hoped I don't behave that way.

[Serenitynow]

If you feel you drink too much, than stopping drinking may not be enough.

 

You may also have to stop hanging out with certain people if they have the same habits.

 

Its a total removal of all the triggers that cause the drinking.

[InceptorsRule]

Did you read by post, Max?

 

I knew #1 was involved and something happened.

 

I read your post. No. 1 was casual sex with a married man.

 

 

I DID NOT know #2 was involved, and something happened.

 

No. 2 was also casual sex, no you may not have known he was involved, but did you ask? And if he had been involved, be honest--would that have stopped you? It didn't stop you with No. 1 that not only was he married, you were friends with his wife! So why would you expect anyone to believe that had you known your ex was involved, it would necessarily have stopped you, since you seem to believe this stuff "just happens" to you anyway and is not really under your voluntary control?

 

 

 

I knew #3 was involved, and nothing happened.

 

Nothing happened, but that sounds like primarily because you got c*ck-blocked by your gf that night. What if she hadn't been there at all? Based on No. 1 and No. 2, you could have easily and very casually gone home that night with No. 3, and something could have "happened" just like w/ No. 1 and No. 2. We'll never know now. Can you honestly say that you didn't know or suspect No. 3 was out looking to cheat that night? Can you honestly say for a 100% certainty that had your gf not been there, sex would not have happened between you and guy No. 3 that night?

 

If not, why did you even include this anecdote? Oh yeah because you perceived No. 3 as hitting on you? Well maybe he perceived you, and your gf, as hitting on him? Only your gf was more aggressive about it so she "won."

 

How are you counting three transgressions on my part????

 

LOL. YOU and ONLY YOU are the person who chose to group these three anecdotes concerning YOUR behavior in your original post asking "why" you only attract attached men.

 

You attract attached men because of how you behave. If you don't want to attract attached men anymore, then behave in a different manner.

[InceptorsRule]

stay away from my threads

 

Don't post in a public internet forum if you don't want the public to respond.

 

Stop taking imaginary offense at legitimate analysis of your behavior, and then try to bully other posters to silence them.

 

That's abusive, and you need to stop.

[InceptorsRule]

If you feel you drink too much, than stopping drinking may not be enough.

 

You may also have to stop hanging out with certain people if they have the same habits.

 

Its a total removal of all the triggers that cause the drinking.

 

She stated she was a "drunk" almost as an aside or perhaps even as some kind of badge of honor.

 

The OP wants it "both ways"--she wants to go out and get "drunk" or "hammered" (her words, not mine), end up doing things she regrets, yet doesn't want to make any connection between the alcohol abuse and her lack of control over her behavior.

 

She doesn't want to take responsibility for her own decisions, choices and actions. That's "the point" of the whole thread. She keeps repeating that these sexual interludes are just something that "happened" as if she had no real control over it. Yet when people point out that she does have control over it, a lot of control, she becomes very aggressive in her denial.

 

She knows something is wrong, but she doesn't want a solution, she wants absolution, which obviously no one here is able to give to her.

[InceptorsRule]

Yah, I think I will stop drinking. It isn't even fun anymore, just a way to avoid the pangs of loneliness.

 

Last night my friends were such a s!ht show that even through my drunkenness I was aware how much I hoped I don't behave that way.

 

There's nothing wrong for most people with occasional social drinking.

 

On the other hand you have characterized yourself as a "drunk" which means you need to stop drinking entirely, esp. since EVERY incident of "trouble" you've described seems to have involved drinking excessively.

 

But your level of commitment has to be far more than you "think" you will stop. Or else your chances of success will be diminished. You've identified a problem in your life, alcohol abuse, it may not be the only one, but it's a big one. You have to commit to stopping and even then it's very difficult. If you are at the point where you're just drinking because you're lonely is there any doubt that you need to stop?

 

You're now able to look at your friends and see yourself mirrored in their behavior and you don't like it one bit. So as someone else said most likely you will have to move on to different/other friends.

 

Finally if you just stop drinking you may find you have a completely different personality which has never been allowed to blossom because you've never given it a real chance.

 

My wife is a very nice wonderful women but when she has too much to drink (and it doesn't really take much) she can do some completely crazy things. It's like she's a different person. Not always, but sometimes. But clearly while that element of her is deeply hidden, and is a part of her, without the alcohol it would never see the light of day. Eliminate the excessive drinking, problem is pretty much solved.

 

Once you stop drinking and keep up with it for a few months or a couple of years you will start shedding these low life "friends" as your true personality starts to emerge from out of the alcoholic cloud. You will start attracting the kind of people that you want to attract including hopefully the kind of man you seek to be in a meaningful relationship with.