Why do I attract men in relationships???

[spookie]

First there was my married neighbor.

 

We worked together, carpooled together, and developed a close friendship. His wife worked odd hours and they fought a decent amount, but it still took a few months for me to start viewing myself as a serious threat to their relationship. They were so religious, so committed. They'd saved themselves for each other and gotten married in college. I went camping with both of them; helped him pick out flowers for her birthday.

 

Then one day he initiated cuddling while we watched a movie. I don't know why I didn't say no. I remember we were both in delicate emotional states that day; one thing led to another and we had sex. His wife actually buzzed my doorbell during the act, prompting him to cum . She was hysterical and she "just knew" something was up. It was the guiltiest moment of my life. He left her that night, and I never did anything with him again, but for months, he insisted that he was in love with me.

 

Then came my ex. I was actually trying NOT to do drunken hookups at the time, but my resolve weakened when we got back to his place, he gently pried off my boots, and danced with me in the living room.

 

The next day, my friend told me he was in a committed relationship of 4 years. There was a "promise ring" involved, whatever that means. I wanted nothing to do with him, but somehow, he befriended me anyway, left her, and we started dating.

 

Last night something else nearly happened with a co-worker who went ring-shopping for his girlfriend last weekend. We were both hammered, and he got really touchy-feely - finding excuses to hug me, sit too close to me, etc. From experience, I know I could have made something happen, BUT I DON'T SEEK THESE SITUATIONS OUT and they actually make me pretty uncomfortable.

 

The entire night, my (fcvked up) friend was telling him to "ditch the btch" and date HER, but I kept saying, don't listen to her, you love your gf and you are a better guy than that. Even though she was throwing herself at him, it was still ME he was hugging up on. At the end of the night, my friend did finally manage to seduce him. :sick:

 

Wtf? What is it about me that draws these guys?

[Mad Max]

You're subconsciously attracted to such men. If it happened once, or even twice, that would be one thing. You listed 3 examples and I'm guessing there's more.

[Serenitynow]

one day he initiated cuddling while we watched a movie. I don't know why I didn't say no. I remember we were both in delicate emotional states that day. One thing led to another and we had sex.

 

There are THOUSANDS of women that are in the same situation as you. They know that this or that guy is flirting, or hinting at something. That doesnt mean they have to give in. They CHOOSE to decline the offers.

 

but my resolve weakened when we got back to his place, he gently pried off my boots, and danced with me in the living room.

lol resolve weakened, so of course its not your fault, its your resolvles fault for weaking

 

I know I could have made something happen, BUT I DON'T SEEK THESE SITUATIONS OUT and they actually make me pretty uncomfortable.

You dont seek them out, but obviously your track record proves otherwise as far as you feeling pretty uncomfortable. Was it uncomfortable when your neighbor was having sex with you ? I bet you have an excuse for that one dont you?

 

 

 

Wtf? What is it about me that draws these guys?

You like the attention. If you DIDNT like it, you would not allow the situations to reach the point they do. PERIOD

 

Did you really think you could fool people with this?

 

.

[spookie]

Yah, I am guilty in the situation with my neighbor (which btw happend more than 2 years ago, and as I said, made me feel so guilty I didn't have sex with anyone for a year after that) but I didn't know my ex was in a relationship when I first met him, and I didn't act on the opportunity with the guy last night.

 

Why would I be attracted to guys in relationships?

 

Oh, and I am here looking for advice, not to be told I seek this out. I do not consciously seek this out.

[atlnay]

I think you are asking the wrong question. If you are an attractive female (not whether or not you believe you are, that's a different issue) men are going to be attracted to you. Period. A BETTER question would be to ask yourself, 'why do i allow myself to be in these situations with attached men?"

[Serenitynow]

You can make up bs all you want. You are putting yourself in situations with guys that are involved with other women.

 

How many single women watch movies, get hammered, and cuddle with guys that she knows have another women?

 

I doubt you will get any sympathy here.

[Mad Max]

Yah, I am guilty in the situation with my neighbor (which btw happend more than 2 years ago, and as I said, made me feel so guilty I didn't have sex with anyone for a year after that) but I didn't know my ex was in a relationship when I first met him, and I didn't act on the opportunity with the guy last night.

 

Why would I be attracted to guys in relationships?

 

Oh, and I am here looking for advice, not to be told I seek this out. I do not consciously seek this out.

 

 

Notice I said subconsciously, not consciously. For whatever reason, you end up with such men and let your emotions get the best of you.

[Serenitynow]

Period. A BETTER question would be to ask yourself, 'why do i allow myself to be in these situations with attached men?"

 

She wont do that, because that question puts the responsibility on herself.

 

.

[atlnay]

She wont do that, because that question puts the responsibility on herself.[/QUote] ahhh...I was going to add to OP, once you really ask yourself that question, doesn't matter whether or not you consciously answer it, it's out there now. But once you answer it, you'll immediately cease or you will purposefully go into denial if you continue doing it. SN is correct, if nothing else, stop putting yourself in tempting situations with these men. That you are in full control of.

[spookie]

I already said, I am guilty in what happened with my neighbor. I don't understand your need to reiterate that to me, I am not asking whether what I did was right, but why the only guys who pursue me, are in relationships.

 

I am not as guilty in what happened with my ex, because I did not know he was involved.

 

Why the hlel would I come to a forum to lie.

[Serenitynow]

You hang out with men in relationships, what do you expect?

 

 

How many single men do you hang out with compared to taken men?

 

Dont lie either, I guarantee you hang out with mostly taken men.

 

 

.

[spookie]

My post must be missing the point.

 

I am not asking how to avoid getting involved with committed men. Duh - don't get involved.

 

But why is it that committed guys pursue me, while single men, do not???

 

I have more examples of this scenario over the last couple of years. None of the other situations came to fruition, because I rejected the guys. But in the same time period, only one legitimately single guy pursued me.

 

My ratio of committed to single is like 8:1.

[spookie]

You hang out with men in relationships, what do you expect?

 

 

How many single men do you hang out with compared to taken men?

 

Dont lie either, I guarantee you hang out with mostly taken men.

 

 

.

 

Well, I'll admit, that's a valid point.

 

I hang out with mostly taken men (in groups, usually involving other women) because I view those friendships as safe and platonic. Until they come on to me anyway.

[atlnay]

I still think you are asking the wrong question because really...what difference does it make? But I'll share something a guy told me, most people (unless they are a total hermit) when you meet them, to varying degrees, are in a relationship with someone. Are the single nonapproaching guys even your type? Or are the attached ones your type? If they are, you answred you're own question. The type of guy you find attractive, is the type that other women do too.

[Mad Max]

My post must be missing the point.

 

I am not asking how to avoid getting involved with committed men. Duh - don't get involved.

 

But why is it that committed guys pursue me, while single men, do not???

 

I have more examples of this scenario over the last couple of years. None of the other situations came to fruition, because I rejected the guys. But in the same time period, only one legitimately single guy pursued me.

 

My ratio of committed to single is like 8:1.

 

 

Taken men pursue you because you're an easy target. You're easily influenced by these men and they know it.

 

 

Single men don't pursue you because you lack character. And if you were in a relationship with them, they wouldn't trust you to be faithful. They'd assume you'd be seduced by other men and sleep with them at the drop of a hat.

[Serenitynow]

They'd assume you'd be seduced by other men and sleep with them at the drop of a hat.

 

Why would they assume that ? Oh wait she already did it.

[Serenitynow]

I'm not putting down the fact that you are having sex with these guys. You are an adult and allowed to do what ever you want.

 

The problem is you are acting like you have no hand in the outcome, like poor little girl, these taken men keep getting on you and you cant stop them.

 

Its 100% your responsibility.

 

The only exception, is when a guy lies and you have no idea that he has another girl, when he told you he was single.

 

But in your case, you found out he had another girl, he left her, and you still got with him. So you knew he was a cheater, and you empowered his behavior.

 

 

.

[Stockalone]

Wtf? What is it about me that draws these guys?

 

It could be many things, like:

 

• Bad luck
• Bad friends (more exposure to guys like that through your friends who enable cheaters)
• Bad experiences (perhaps those lead you to have low expectations when it comes to men)
• Bad attitude (instead of being disgusted with your ex and not seeing him again, you became his gf).
• Bad reputation (I don't know if that is the case, but maybe your friends are telling those guys that you wouldn't mind having fun or dating a previously commited man. Or those men do get that impression on their own when talking to you, that you aren't opposed to it and that is why they pursue you)

 

 

What it doesn't explain is why you aren't approached more by single men who don't know you at all. My guess is that this happens a lot less frequently in general than we think. Not only to you, but to many other women, too. Among other things, I think that is what I meant with simply having bad luck.

 

Additionally, are you spending very few time alone in places where guys usually feel comfortable to approach you?

 

Many men only hit on women when it's clear that the women are out socialising. Chatting up women who are running errands, doing everyday stuff that's usually done in a bit of a hurry is quite often a futile endeavor.

Edited September 10, 2010 by Stockalone

[SadandConfusedWA]

This is off topic, but spookie have you heard from shadow in the last 2 days or so? Did you catch her online on AIM?

 

I am slightly worried and hope that she is OK.

[EasyHeart]

Wow. There seems to be a long of anger and hostility in most of the responses in this thread. I don't think that's constructive, and it says more about the responder than it does the OP.

 

I think there could be a number of reasons you find yourself involved with men who are already in relationships. Here's a few to think about:

 

1. It could be that you subconsciously seek out these men, most likely because of a fear of intimacy. If he's already taken, there's less of a risk that you'll become emotionally attached to him, and a higher likelihood that the relationship will primarily physical.

 

2. You might have a poor sense of boundaries. Most men, even those in a relationship, like the attention of women and won't say no if a woman offers herself. So most women make a point of keeping clear boundaries and won't engage in dating behaviors (cuddling with men, watching movies alone with men, letting men hug you) with men who are in relationships.

 

3. You might just be surrounded by creepy people who don't have any problem cheating. That last story you told about your friend going home with the guy who was hugging you all night just sounds kind of sad and pathetic.

 

4. Out of curiosity, did your father cheat on your mother? Our images of who we are attracted to is very strongly influence by our opposite gender parent ("I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad"). If your father was a cheater, you may be instinctively attracted to men who cheat, and you'll need to work on consciously changing that attraction.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My post must be missing the point.

I am not asking how to avoid getting involved with committed men. Duh - don't get involved.

But why is it that committed guys pursue me, while single men, do not???

I have more examples of this scenario over the last couple of years. None of the other situations came to fruition, because I rejected the guys. But in the same time period, only one legitimately single guy pursued me.

My ratio of committed to single is like 8:1.

 

Spook, you must have something that they are commonly looking for. I think when a guy is looking to cheat he considers factors like how willing are you to cheat with him... how likely are you to go psycho and tell his wife.... ect.

[spookie]

Wow. There seems to be a long of anger and hostility in most of the responses in this thread. I don't think that's constructive, and it says more about the responder than it does the OP.

 

No kidding... I shared something that happened 2 years ago, and all of a sudden I lack character and I'm a cheating slut? Yah... not true.

 

 

I think there could be a number of reasons you find yourself involved with men who are already in relationships. Here's a few to think about:

 

1. It could be that you subconsciously seek out these men, most likely because of a fear of intimacy. If he's already taken, there's less of a risk that you'll become emotionally attached to him, and a higher likelihood that the relationship will primarily physical.

 

2. You might have a poor sense of boundaries. Most men, even those in a relationship, like the attention of women and won't say no if a woman offers herself. So most women make a point of keeping clear boundaries and won't engage in dating behaviors (cuddling with men, watching movies alone with men, letting men hug you) with men who are in relationships.

 

My boundaries aren't great. The cuddling 2 years ago was my worst call; nothing that extreme has ever happened again. For the record, I'm not some slut who offers herself to any guy. To put this in perspective, I've had sex with 2 people in the last 2 years, once with the married guy, and with my ex.

 

 

3. You might just be surrounded by creepy people who don't have any problem cheating. That last story you told about your friend going home with the guy who was hugging you all night just sounds kind of sad and pathetic.

 

This is true. I am surrounded by creepy people. It gets depressing. Most of my girlfriends appear to lack all self respect, and almost all the guys I know have cheated.

 

4. Out of curiosity, did your father cheat on your mother? Our images of who we are attracted to is very strongly influence by our opposite gender parent ("I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad"). If your father was a cheater, you may be instinctively attracted to men who cheat, and you'll need to work on consciously changing that attraction.

 

Yah. As a matter of fact, he did, and it was a pretty traumatizing experience for me as it occured in my formative pre-teen years (and my used me as a punching bag of sorts during the affair).

 

I don't know if it's as a result of this experience, but I am both extremely paranoid about cheating and non-judgmental of people who do. It's almost like I view it as a certainty for most, because I am so sensitive about it, and understand the dynamics so well, even though I personally have never cheated ON anyone in my life. There is a divide between what I idealize (purity, loyalty, and commitment) and the kinds of people and situations I am most comfortable with (emotionally fcvked up).

[spookie]

Spook, you must have something that they are commonly looking for. I think when a guy is looking to cheat he considers factors like how willing are you to cheat with him... how likely are you to go psycho and tell his wife.... ect.

 

I have never been promiscuous, but that may not be apparent by my hard-partying tendencies. (I'm a rare breed, a drunk, but not a slut).

 

I guess my OP was misleading, as I chose the two examples from my past where I WAS willing to cheat.

 

I'm not likely to go psycho and tell anyone's wife tho.

[Crazy Magnet]

In my experience men pursue what they think is pretty or what they want, regardless of single/attached status. It's why I don't have men friends. These situations always occur. The difference between us however is I would never put myself in a situation to be alone with an attached man in the first place. In an ideal world that would be fine but it's not. Sometimes you have to consciously choose who to be friends with and spend you time with. At some point, men are going to come on to you and it has nothing to do with their status. The key is picking up the vibe before it becomes painfully obvious and walk away then, not after they have done/said something.

[spookie]

This is off topic, but spookie have you heard from shadow in the last 2 days or so? Did you catch her online on AIM?

 

I am slightly worried and hope that she is OK.

 

SAC, no I haven't. Maybe she will be online today.