jdpuppy Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I am new to this forum so this post may be a little long. well to start I discovered my wife of almost 12yrs had been calling and texting a coworker for about a month. I confronted her at first she denied it but then said she wasn't happy anymore and loved me but wasnt in love anymore and that she had felt that way for some months now. I told her i wanted to work on thing to no avail. We spent the weekend passionately making love and acting like we were crazy about each other but that sunday she wanted me to leave. She said nothing was happening just texts and calls and that she wanted to sperate for a week to think about things. Well a week later she called and we met where upon she said she wanted divorce and didn't respect me anymore. I was in schock even more but could't convince her otherwise. I then went to get some of my things and we talked again with her still denying any real involvement with other man just that she wanted to find herself and didn't want to get involved with anyone. I was going through hell, panic attacks and not eating or sleeping. She then changed all the locks and bills into her name and started to get real ugly with me. Basically rewriting the history of our marriage as if i was somekind of loser. believe me none of it true. At first it was just that i didn't make her feel sexy or adored anymore, but later that i wasn't a stand up guy for her or my step kids. What more could i have done. I always worked even did all the cooking, sports with the kids and as unbelievable as this sounds I told her everyday how beautiful she was and how much i loved and adored her. I was always hugging and kissing her too. I mean we were actually teenagers most of the time. she was always telling me how much she loved me and what a wonderful husband and father i was even up until the day I confronted her. Our sex life had not changed still had great chemistry. Well a couple of weeks later i came to get some things and she wasn't home so i got in and while there saw her diary. Before I would have never read it but i did this time and was completely gutted. It seems she had only known this guy three weeks and started having sex with him and how much she was falling for him. This all going on before i knew anything about her texts. He's 26 and 8 yrs younger than her and only works weekend shift as a kitchen assistant and lives with his parents. I'm blown away that she would call me a loser and have no respect for me. I didn't cheat, had a job and did my part in supporting our family. Anyway a couple weeks later she had there pic together on facebook like i was never even with her. I was completely humilated and told her it was in bad taste as we hadn't even filed for divorce. She told me i was stalking her by looking at her facebook page. Is that possible when you make your facebook public to everyone. At this point we have hardly spoken and she won't let me comminicate with kids. My youngest stp daughter is devestated and when i did see her she couldn't stop hugging and holding my hand and cried when I dropped them off. I have been her dad since she was almost a newborn. My wife thinks that since she doesn't want me neither should the kids. Lastly the new guy has moved into our home with them and i have since lost my job due to all the emotional turmoil it has caused me. so i now sleep on a couch broke at my mothers old folk apts hoping i'll ever feel good again.
carhill Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Welcome to LS My sympathies... Do you live in the United States and is your marital home owned by and titled to both you and your wife?
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Omg I'm so sorry. This is horrible. A similar thing happened to me. I wasn't married, but was with my ex for 8 years. He blindsided me 4 months ago saying he wanted to breakup. I was in complete shock because he had never given any indication he was unhappy. He gave me some BS excuses as to why we weren't right for each other. Come to find out he dumped me for a young college girl. She's about 7 or 8 years younger then my ex. He had been messing around with her a week before he even said anything to me about breaking up. As with your ex's new man, my ex's new girl is not exactly a standup type of girl. I've been told by many people that she gets around and she's a groupie of the band he's in. So he dumped me for that. To say it hurts would be an understatement. He totally downgraded and it sounds like your ex did the same thing. It honestly doesn't reflect on you or anything you did or didn't do. From what you posted, it sounds like you were a good husband to her. I obviously don't know you or your ex wife, but from what you posted this is what I gather. So you didn't do anything wrong. She is the one with the issues. I know that doesn't help how you feel, but just know her decision to leave you for some young kid, is not your fault. Her actions reflect back on HER, not on YOU. Try not to ask the "why him and not me" questions. It's nothing you did or didn't do. She will most likely regret what she did to you. I hope you find help and advice from this forum. It's good to know you aren't alone in this.
Banega100 Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 you're absolutely right that you aren't a loser, and she is saying that to pin the blame on you and feel less guilty about what she has done. I'm deeply saddened by what you're going through. But rest assured, i think you're going to get very constructive and supportive help right here. God bless.
Author jdpuppy Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 hey carhill,i live in texas. Her name is on title but mine is on the deed. funny thing is when we had the house built her credit score was just slightly higher and since we at the time were still living in our previous home that was in my name they recommended that new one go in her name. Un fortunately the house in my name didn't sell by the time new house was built and real esate agent recommended we let it go since new house was in her name. we did that and now my credit is ruined and she gets to live in big new beautiful house with new guy. I know this is a community property state and realize i'm entitled to half, but problem is kids. I care about them enough not to take theyr'e home away so basically she knows i love them enough that she can use that to her advantage. She has the kids-she holds the cards and even though they're not mine bio was i feel like they are and just can't bring myself to cause any more hurt for them. They know she is the bad one but they have to live with her. I may never get to be around them, and in saying that i want them to have good memories of me and not as the guy who took they're furniture and there home.
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 you're absolutely right that you aren't a loser, and she is saying that to pin the blame on you and feel less guilty about what she has done. I'm deeply saddened by what you're going through. But rest assured, i think you're going to get very constructive and supportive help right here. God bless. Exactly! This is true what Banega is saying. It's her issue, not yours. She's wrong, not you. I don't know how people that do this kind of thing, sleep at night. The guilt would eat me alive, if I had done something like this.
Author jdpuppy Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 thank you shannon and banega100. It's nice to be able to talk to people who have been there. My family has been no help they just say get over it. As for wife she has lied and trashed me to everyone and she's worked it that they think we were broke up before she met guy. So she is basically shacking up with him and it would appear that her friends/ family don't know the truth of how/why they're together and that her cheating is the real reason we are not together. I would love to tell them all but i realize i would just come off as a scorned husband and truthfully i fear i could mess my chances up of ever seeing kids again. So for now i have to silently play along and hope that she may eventually let me back in their lives when she gets tired of her new "SON".
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 thank you shannon and banega100. It's nice to be able to talk to people who have been there. My family has been no help they just say get over it. As for wife she has lied and trashed me to everyone and she's worked it that they think we were broke up before she met guy. So she is basically shacking up with him and it would appear that her friends/ family don't know the truth of how/why they're together and that her cheating is the real reason we are not together. I would love to tell them all but i realize i would just come off as a scorned husband and truthfully i fear i could mess my chances up of ever seeing kids again. So for now i have to silently play along and hope that she may eventually let me back in their lives when she gets tired of her new "SON". Do you want to get back together with her? I hope not after what she's done to you. It's awful that she is bad mouthing you to her friends and family. She doesn't sound like a very nice person. That just shows that she is trying to blame you for the breakup when in actuality it's HER fault. She is the problem, not you. It's horrible and I really feel for you.
carhill Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 (edited) OP, have you availed yourself of a 60 minute free consultation with a family law attorney? If not, I suggest it now. Actions and decisions made now will have profound effect down the road. I'm currently going through a divorce and found the knowledge and power competent legal help provided eased many of my fears and helped find a workable solution in a positive way. Hope for the best and plan for the rest is my motto. Her name is on title but mine is on the deed.Perhaps you can clarify this. In Cali, property title is via deed, usually grant deed. If the property is leveraged, the lender executes a deed of trust. If the married couple have joint legal title, both their names exist on the grant deed as married persons (joint tenants). Usually, in such circumstances, both names also exist on the deed of trust, though not always. Further, it's possible to transmute a marital asset (which your home is, even if in her name) into a separate asset via a quit claim or other similar deed. The focus of my post here is to encourage you to receive proper advice in your jurisdiction in order to assert your rights and to understand your responsibilities, legally. Leaving the marital home can be injurious to your position, but a lawyer can advise you more completely. What's your goal? Edited to add that, reading, IME, you're going to need to adjust to a whole bunch of people being angry with you, if you pursue asserting your rights and perspective. Get comfortable with that. It's coming. Reach out to trusted friends for support. Seek out free (you're broke) counseling. We even found free mediation through a local law school. Be assertive and proactive. This facilitates a more confident and strident demeanor. Care less. Do more. Edited September 10, 2010 by carhill
Gironbachs Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 this is gonna sound counter-intuitive, but man.. sometimes I wish my girlfriend HAD left me for another guy, instead of some foggy "I need space, there's nobody else, its-not-you-it's-me bull****. At least you can get angry and (eventually) feel good about what happened after cut this lying cheater out of your life. How many relationships/marriages has Facebook killed? Jesus.
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 this is gonna sound counter-intuitive, but man.. sometimes I wish my girlfriend HAD left me for another guy, instead of some foggy "I need space, there's nobody else, its-not-you-it's-me bull****. At least you can get angry and (eventually) feel good about what happened after cut this lying cheater out of your life. How many relationships/marriages has Facebook killed? Jesus. Yes facebook is the devil. Steer clear from it! Don't check her page to find out what's going on in her life. It will only delay your moving on. I don't check my ex's Facebook because I don't like torturing myself. I suggest you do the same thing.
hopesndreams Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 this is gonna sound counter-intuitive, but man.. sometimes I wish my girlfriend HAD left me for another guy, instead of some foggy "I need space, there's nobody else, its-not-you-it's-me bull****. At least you can get angry and (eventually) feel good about what happened after cut this lying cheater out of your life. How many relationships/marriages has Facebook killed? Jesus. I don't understand this way of thinking. How is being cheated on better? This W of his has another man moved into their marital home! The I need space and the its-not-you-it's-me bull****, is 99.9% certain there is someone else. Lucky you thinking it doesn't mean that. Knowing the truth will devastate you beyond belief, so just keep your head in the sand. OP, you love her. That's not going away anytime soon. Get your house sold or have her buy you out. This new R with this OM will not last. You need to seriously move on and quick because she will be back. She is poisonous.
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 (edited) I don't understand this way of thinking. How is being cheated on better? This W of his has another man moved into their marital home! The I need space and the its-not-you-it's-me bull****, is 99.9% certain there is someone else. Lucky you thinking it doesn't mean that. Knowing the truth will devastate you beyond belief, so just keep your head in the sand. OP, you love her. That's not going away anytime soon. Get your house sold or have her buy you out. This new R with this OM will not last. You need to seriously move on and quick because she will be back. She is poisonous. I have to agree with what hopesndreams is saying. She is poisonous and it hurts to be left for someone else. I got the "I've changed, it's not your fault" and "we aren't right for each other anymore" excuses when in reality it was another woman. It hurt so bad to find out I had been replaced by someone else. I didn't find out from my ex, I found out from other people. He didn't have the balls to be honest. The new girl in his life is a skank, so I've been told. Talk about a blow to my ego. To be dumped for a piece of trash. I keep telling myself (and my therapist does as well:)) that it isn't ME. My ex's stupid decision reflects back on HIM, not ME. You have to keep telling yourself this. It will help you get through it. AND DON'T TAKE THIS POISONOUS B*TCH BACK!! Whatever you do! Edited September 10, 2010 by ShannonMI
Author jdpuppy Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 I don't plan on taking her back. Honestly don't think she's coming back for me to tell her that. Admittedly my heart isn't over her yet, but my head knows better. your right about facebook. I do look from time to time and it does ruin my day. right now it's been three months and still having a hard time moving on. Crazy as this sounds i almost think i won't feel better til they break up or better if he dumps her for someone else and it just seems like thats what i'm waiting for. Almost like that would validate. I know crazy huh!
GorillaTheater Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Carhill's right, JD. You need to talk to a lawyer, ASAP. In fact, talk to more than one. Think of it as a job interview (which it is). You need some solid information before you start making major decisions. Are you taking care of yourself? Exercising? Eating right? Limiting the alcohol? All of this will help considerably as you heal from this crap. And believe it; you will heal.
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I don't plan on taking her back. Honestly don't think she's coming back for me to tell her that. Admittedly my heart isn't over her yet, but my head knows better. your right about facebook. I do look from time to time and it does ruin my day. right now it's been three months and still having a hard time moving on. Crazy as this sounds i almost think i won't feel better til they break up or better if he dumps her for someone else and it just seems like thats what i'm waiting for. Almost like that would validate. I know crazy huh! It isn't crazy. With all the pain that she has caused you, you want her to feel some pain too. That's totally understandable. You want karma to come and bite her in the a**. I'm waiting for that to happen with my ex too. He doesn't deserve to be happy after what he did to me and neither does your ex.
hopesndreams Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I don't plan on taking her back. Honestly don't think she's coming back for me to tell her that. Admittedly my heart isn't over her yet, but my head knows better. your right about facebook. I do look from time to time and it does ruin my day. right now it's been three months and still having a hard time moving on. Crazy as this sounds i almost think i won't feel better til they break up or better if he dumps her for someone else and it just seems like thats what i'm waiting for. Almost like that would validate. I know crazy huh! Not crazy at all for you to feel this way. Perfectly normal. You are only 3 months in. Give it time, and one day you won't care, not even a little bit, about what she's up to. Do NC. It will save your sanity.
Author jdpuppy Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 yes i will be taking your guys advise and consult with an attorney. just to see what they say. I don't have any money at the moment but couldn't hurt to get some info. Originally when she said she wanted divorce she had threw a legalzoom idea at me. said it would cost 299.00 since we wouldn't have any child custody issues. Said she wanted me to pay for half. I told her absolutely not she could get my half from the guys that wants her so bad. Oh she flipped out when i said that and that she didn't have her 150.00 anyway at the time. Here's the kicker though i found out she had not been paying mortgage for about 3 months prior to me moving out and after i did she decided to use all that extra cash to spend on her new guy. You wouldn't believe the crazy spending she done for him. It's like she lost her finanacial mind literally. Now i found that she has filed for bancruptcy to save the house her new love nest. Anyway she doesn't know that i know all this and has everybody thinking he's spending on her. It seems she's trying to buy his love/youth whatever. so basically she has had the 299.00 for a legalzoom divorce all along and still has not filed. Can't figure that one out. she don't want me anymore so there is no reason to delay i mean it only takes two months here in tx for an uncontested divorce. Hell we could have already been divorced by now. I sometimes wonder if she's waiting for some significant date to file like our anniversary which is 9/20 this month just so she can pour more salt into the wound.
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 yes i will be taking your guys advise and consult with an attorney. just to see what they say. I don't have any money at the moment but couldn't hurt to get some info. Originally when she said she wanted divorce she had threw a legalzoom idea at me. said it would cost 299.00 since we wouldn't have any child custody issues. Said she wanted me to pay for half. I told her absolutely not she could get my half from the guys that wants her so bad. Oh she flipped out when i said that and that she didn't have her 150.00 anyway at the time. Here's the kicker though i found out she had not been paying mortgage for about 3 months prior to me moving out and after i did she decided to use all that extra cash to spend on her new guy. You wouldn't believe the crazy spending she done for him. It's like she lost her finanacial mind literally. Now i found that she has filed for bancruptcy to save the house her new love nest. Anyway she doesn't know that i know all this and has everybody thinking he's spending on her. It seems she's trying to buy his love/youth whatever. so basically she has had the 299.00 for a legalzoom divorce all along and still has not filed. Can't figure that one out. she don't want me anymore so there is no reason to delay i mean it only takes two months here in tx for an uncontested divorce. Hell we could have already been divorced by now. I sometimes wonder if she's waiting for some significant date to file like our anniversary which is 9/20 this month just so she can pour more salt into the wound. This woman sounds like a real headcase. Not paying the mortgage so she can spend money on the kid she's banging. What a fool she is. Buying this kid's love isn't going to work for very much longer. I know it hurts, but you are better off without this woman. When she does finally file for divorce, be happy you are rid of her crazy a**. I'm sorry, my posts are bitter, but I hate selfish people like your ex. My ex is selfish too and it makes me sick.
Author jdpuppy Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 not bitter just the truth. And unfortunately the truth hurts sometimes. like the fact you can sleep next to someone for 12yrs and not realize they were a snake all along just waiting to suck the life out you. My thing is i would have like to have been told back when that she wasn't in love maybe we could have worked it out maybe not. however she got to know that and still have me and my support while she was waiting or looking for her supposed "true love" to come along. I would have liked to have gotten that same opportunity she gave herself. I could have been saving my money(not spending it on her) and been looking for my "true love" this whole time too! it goes back to being selfish as you said.
ShannonMI Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 not bitter just the truth. And unfortunately the truth hurts sometimes. like the fact you can sleep next to someone for 12yrs and not realize they were a snake all along just waiting to suck the life out you. My thing is i would have like to have been told back when that she wasn't in love maybe we could have worked it out maybe not. however she got to know that and still have me and my support while she was waiting or looking for her supposed "true love" to come along. I would have liked to have gotten that same opportunity she gave herself. I could have been saving my money(not spending it on her) and been looking for my "true love" this whole time too! it goes back to being selfish as you said. Yes she's very selfish. You didn't know anything was wrong, so of course you weren't looking for your "true love" like she was. You thought SHE was your true love. She IS a real snake to do that to you. You weren't just boyfriend and girlfriend, you were MARRIED! And to bad mouth you to all her friends and family is low when you did nothing wrong. It goes to show what a piece of sh*t she is. It's such a shame she betrayed you like she did. How long was she cheating with this kid?
Author jdpuppy Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 see she works at a winery/restaurant two sundays a month and while she was away in cali to help get her nana in a nursing home i guess he started there and they met when she got back. This was at the end of march and i guess they got to know one another during april cause around first week in may according to her diary is when it got physical. Looking at cell phone records they started texting and talking on phone about that same time. so i guess they had only known each other three maybe four weeks before she started cheating and i found out at end of may completely by accident when i got a text saying our family plan minutes were low. Something that had never happened before so when i looked at our bill to see if maybe our oldest daughter was using up all the minutes. Well turned out to be my wife who was talking to dude all the time. Called his number and found out it belonged to a guy and his name. Took a chance and called her work and asked if he worked there which of course he did. Then called her asking who this guy was, she denied knowing him at first but when i told her i had called winery to confirm, that's when the "i'm not happy line" came out. I know i'm posting way too much but this is the first time I've been able to tell anybody cause I have only male friends and thats just not conversation they want to hear. All i've gotton is get over the bitch and move on. so basically don't have anyone to vent to and get this poison out i guess except here. Thanks for listening!
ShannonMI Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 You're welcome! That's what we're here for! LoveShack is a great place for support. I'm so thankful I found this forum because it helps to know I'm not the only person going through this sh*t. It's good to vent and I get good advice too. As for your guy friends telling you to just get over it, IF ONLY IT WAS THAT EASY! I wish it was just a matter of "getting over it". Unfortunately it takes time to heal from what's happened. You were married to her for many years and she cheated on you. To be cheated on is a very painful thing especially when you trusted the person you were with. Plus you grew attached to her kids. That's hard. You have to just hang in there and try to get divorced from this b*tch as soon as possible! You'll be ok and you will "get over it" but it's gonna take awhile.
Author jdpuppy Posted September 11, 2010 Author Posted September 11, 2010 hey shannon i read your posts too. i'm sorry, sounds like your pain is still pretty fresh also. We really got the s***t end of the stick didnt we. It has really hurt my self esteem greatly as it seems you to. But know this 31 is not old at all. Hell i'm turning 40 and scared s***tless about starting over. I mean before this I didn't feel old and I definitly don't look my age as i'm told all the time. But for my wife to get with a 26yr old well as you can imagine it really makes it hard. I cnsider myself a good looking guy I go to the gym 4-5 times a week to stay fit. So when they leave for someone younger. well it just sucks cause how can you compete with that. I mean everyone can work on there looks or appearance but you can't turn back the clock!
ShannonMI Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 hey shannon i read your posts too. i'm sorry, sounds like your pain is still pretty fresh also. We really got the s***t end of the stick didnt we. It has really hurt my self esteem greatly as it seems you to. But know this 31 is not old at all. Hell i'm turning 40 and scared s***tless about starting over. I mean before this I didn't feel old and I definitly don't look my age as i'm told all the time. But for my wife to get with a 26yr old well as you can imagine it really makes it hard. I cnsider myself a good looking guy I go to the gym 4-5 times a week to stay fit. So when th evey leave for someone younger. well it just sucks cause how can you compete with that. I mean everyone can work on there looks or appearance but you can't turn back the clock! It does suck to be left for someone younger, but the thing that upsets me the most is that the girl is a skank. I've been told many times that I look 21 even though I'm 10 years older then that. The age part doesn't really matter. I'm sure I look the same age as the ho he's with now. It's the fact he chose a piece of trash over me. Plus she's a kid. She's most likely very immature. What is he getting out of this relationship he has with her? A piece of a**? Probably. He probably got sick of being with the same person for so long. We were together 8 years. That's what hurts the most. I'm a nice girl and was a great girlfriend to him. I gave my heart and soul to him for many years and it just boggles my mind that he threw it all away for what he has now. Maybe this new girl gives him something I didn't. Who knows. And I'm not just saying his new girl is a skank because I'm a woman scorned. I'm saying it because many people have told me this is the case. I live in a small town and everyone knows each other, so people know who this girl is. If that's what he wants, then he can go for it. The same with your ex. If she wants a young boy who she has to spend spend spend on to keep around, then she can go for it. Have a great life! I'm sure in time they will regret what they've done. By then it will be way too late.
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