Why cant we all get along?

[ladylucky]

I have a kind of unconventional relationship that im pretty sure most people would look down on. I'm still pretty young so my friends dont care, most of my husbands friends thing its the coolest thing ever.

We made a deal when we were on the edges of what could turn into a very ugly divorce. The deal is when we go out separately, if we pick someone up thats fine but we just dont discuss it after. We go out separately maybe once a month but its usually more like every couple of months.

We got married too young for this generation. I was 19 and he was 21. We had a baby just one year later. Its like our sex evaporated after he was born. We were so busy between work, baby and school that it seemed like we just never had time for each other anymore.

So he cheated and i found myself wondering what it might be like to be with someone else again. I love my husband in every way. He is an amazing, smart, funny and sexy man and i know he feels the same way about me.

Basically i was ready to walk out when that happened. Took our son and went to stay with my mom. I moved back in after a lot of begging and pleading and apologizing but things didnt get better sexually. We have always had an amazing connection. He makes me laugh so hard and we have survived so much in such a short amount of time together i didnt want to walk away. We tried marriage counseling but it didnt work so we decided to file for divorce. Shortly before we were going to go through with it my husband asked if i would consider an open marriage and i flipped out. Then i thought about it. I mean whats the worse that could happen if we did? I have already felt the sting of cheating and we were days away from calling our whole future off.

So i tried it. Its been a year and sure there were some hurt feelings in the very beginning but since then we no longer have tension, we no longer have huge blow up fights about dishes and laundry. We enjoy spending time together as a family and our son is delighted by the amount of time we spend with him together. I trust him like i never thought i would and every now and again i get to feel the thrill of being single for just one night.

I wouldnt label this as polyamory because it isnt frequent and neither one of us has ever been with the same person twice. We dont form relationships with these people and we always use protection.

 

I guess what im wondering is why do people feel that they need to judge someone like me? people are extraordinarily harsh on me but not on him. i am a good mother, if i thought for one second this was affecting him negatively i would stop instantly. i am a good wife, daughter, friend and sister. But i get to be chastised so severely for just trying to save my family. Isnt that what everyone wants? a happy, functioning home? well i made my mine, so why is that wrong?

[midlife2011]

You are not hanging out with the right people. Some of them are suffering inside and feel that in order to justify their own decisions, they need to point out faults in yours. This is immature and block headed.

 

Keeping a family stable for your children is the best thing you can do. You need to do whatever it takes to keep that intact. Also, you may find out that by having a green light on these one night out deals, that over time you will need them less and less.

 

Also, you can turn this around. Stop thinking like you are the one with the problem, and in fact it is those pointing their finger at you with the problem. They are missing out on finding a solution, something that works for you, and if you are steady on this, over time they will see that being different isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[ladylucky]

i agree!! i see it pretty much the same way. im sure one day we wont always need this but for now it makes our marriage better. and the sex has NEVER been better between us or as frequent!

 

most of the people that judge harshly are not close to us for a reason. they say it makes us terrible parents. but people who dont know our situation often tell us that he is the happiest kid they know. he gets so much love from both of us. before when we would fight every day and rarely get along he was miserable just like we were.

 

i have never been happier personally either. i feel like i have been in this box my whole life and i am finally pushing myself out of it. i have tried to conform to what my family always wanted. it makes me happy in a big way and it makes my life and my family's future better. so i dont see how that could ever be wrong.

[You Go Girl]

Well I'm of a much older generation, 45+.

However it's the generation older than me that experienced the swinging 70's and "summer of love" in Sanfran and Woodstock.

 

I think most people have a lot of fear in imagining their partner off doing someone else, me included.

If it works for you, then fine. But the rest of us aren't wrong if it's not for us.

[lilbunny]

I don't know why people judge others, I'm sure as hell not going to. I have a dear friend of 15 years. His M is healthy other than his W deciding that she no longer wants to have sex at all. She told him to do something similar to your arrangement and they have never looked back. I know they love each other and are very content with the arrangement, their kids know nothing about it and the family has stayed together as a result, win-win if you ask me. She no longer feels like she has to do something she doesn't want to do to keep him there, he doesn't have to seek an illicit affair or leave.

 

Good luck to you, we all make choices about what we believe is the best for us. If I am honest with myself I am capable of far too much jealousy to make that work, but just because it isn't for me, doesn't mean I should tell people how to live.

[carhill]

So, presuming you still have sexual intimacy with your H and your respective extra-marital activities are relatively equal, how's the rest of your intimacy? Hugs and kisses, holding hands, feeling you up while you wash the dishes, showers for two, etc, etc. If this new dynamic is healthy, it should strengthen your marital bond in addition to easing tension, as you mentioned. How was the fallout from the infidelity addressed? Is the person still around?

 

To your question:

I guess what im wondering is why do people feel that they need to judge someone like me?

I'm unclear how anyone other than your spouse and/or the people you date have sufficient information to judge you. The people you date don't even have to know you're married, only that you have no interest in a relationship or repeat performance. I have no idea what my friends do in their private, marital, sexual lives. Why would I?

 

Regardless, the judgment of others is just that, their judgment. They own it. You own how you react to it. If you feel positive about this situation, their judgment is irrelevant. If it damages you materially, seek legal redress. People are people and opinions are like azzholes; everyone has one. Accept that.

 

Best wishes and I hope your M works out for you.

[midlife2011]

ladylucky:

 

Pay attention to what you say. You used the word "conform" and "family" in the same sentence. How old are you?

 

Same boat with me, so I'm chiming in again. Out on a limb here, but you may have a lack of identity. In your childhood, you tried to do the "right" thing, you got praise, and then you are on a path to do that thing and get more praise.

 

Nothing wrong with this. But you are living your life through the validation of those around you. Your own self identity may be weak. And, due to your uber cool situation, you are now faced with having to stand on your own, contrary to what others think. It feels right, but you are not getting the "green" light from friends or family.

 

Nothing at all wrong with this. And I may be off base here. But you have your WORK cut out for you. You have time, but you need to firmly establish your identity now.

 

It is an amazing thing in life to go against the grain and feel good about it. Learning about who to ignore and who to listen to is the battle. You may find that in a few years you have a whole new set of voices to listen to and none of them are who you see today.

 

good stuff!

[BellaBellaBella]

We to our doing something similar. In my case, I am the one who is with someone else. Only two people know outside my husband and BF. They both are supportive. It is no one else's business.

[Iconoclast]

There's no betrayal or deceit. No problem. Lots of danger though.

[ladylucky]

thank you everyone. i have just been feeling insecure lately because of things that people have said to me. im not the kind of person to judge anyones situation and i feel that everyone deserves that same respect.

 

i absolutely dont think its wrong to be faithful to one person and never stray. my H's parents have been married for 35 years and are perfectly happy with just one another. if my marriage could work that way (and i tried that) i would be very happy.

 

and yes our intamicy on every level is better then it ever has been. sometimes my husband would go days without even giving me a kiss and now i cant walk out the door without getting one! (i love this!) we are more energetic with each other also. i guess not being pissed off all the time leaves you a lot of energy for other things.

 

i am only 23. born and raised in a very conservative republican family and no matter how hard i tried i was never going to fit in with them. so i decided to stop trying and just love them. they arent always happy with me or my life choices but they have their own lives to live and i want to enjoy mine. i have changed a lot in such a short amount of time it seems as well. my H's free spirit has made me come alive in a sense. he has showed me first hand that being yourself is very important and the people that truly love you will always accept you.