someotherguy Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I've been in this relationship for 6 months or so now, and for the most part, it is a beautiful thing. There are, however, a couple lingering issues that we are working on resolving. She is insecure at times about the possibility of me ending the relationship and leaving her. I try very hard to reassure her that I love her, and that it's an irrational fear, but still, it seems to linger in her mind. I believe this fear is the result of having had a couple failed relationships, I am quite a bit different from her previous choices in partners, and she's overly worried about losing what we have. As for me, I struggle a bit with her "colorful past", to put it bluntly. I didn't pry, she volunteered the information, but I have issues dealing with how she comported herself in the year or so before she got involved with me. I know some of you are going to say it's in the past, leave it there...except we can't do that because she dragged me into the situation because she wasn't totally done with the..."lifestyle"...when she got into our relationship. She didn't intend for us to be serious, but she changed her mind once she got to know me. And, I know this will sound horrible, but part of what bothers me about the whole thing is that she gives me mixed signals about what she did. In the same breath she will tell me that she never wants to do any of that stuff again, that she decided it's not what she wants, and that she felt degraded by some of the things her partners asked her to participate in, and then she will say she doesn't regret any of it, had a great time, etc. So I end up being a bit insecure about things because I have it in the back of my mind that maybe she does want to do those things, and maybe she's not being honest with me about it. I guess in the end, there's a little part of my brain that worries that I am not "exciting" enough for her. It doesn't help that she tells me that she hasn't told me everything because she's worried that I will look down on her and think less of her (which is her insecurity I talked about above). It may be important to know that she had been in a marriage that failed, her ex husband decided that taking care of their kids was more important than their relationship to each other, and after marriage counseling failed, she had an affair and then filed for divorce after figuring out that she needed a partner who met all of her needs, not just some. She is in therapy to deal with the failure of the marriage, her affair, etc, and seems to be doing really well and making great progress.
denise_xo Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 (edited) As for me, I struggle a bit with her "colorful past", to put it bluntly. I didn't pry, she volunteered the information, but I have issues dealing with how she comported herself in the year or so before she got involved with me. I know some of you are going to say it's in the past, leave it there...except we can't do that because she dragged me into the situation because she wasn't totally done with the..."lifestyle"...when she got into our relationship. She didn't intend for us to be serious, but she changed her mind once she got to know me. And, I know this will sound horrible, but part of what bothers me about the whole thing is that she gives me mixed signals about what she did. In the same breath she will tell me that she never wants to do any of that stuff again, that she decided it's not what she wants, and that she felt degraded by some of the things her partners asked her to participate in, and then she will say she doesn't regret any of it, had a great time, etc. So I end up being a bit insecure about things because I have it in the back of my mind that maybe she does want to do those things, and maybe she's not being honest with me about it. I guess in the end, there's a little part of my brain that worries that I am not "exciting" enough for her. It doesn't help that she tells me that she hasn't told me everything because she's worried that I will look down on her and think less of her (which is her insecurity I talked about above). ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- On this particular part: Why don't you ask her straight out about the bit in the bold - have you tried to do that? And if she is honest with you about everything she has done in the past, will you look down at her? Because both of those things are going to be real issues in the long term, if they're not resolved. Seems to me your task is two-fold: You need reassurance from her that you both feel you are in a sexually compatible relationship. Then you need to figure out if you have a general problem being with a girl with a 'past'. When I got married, my husband-to-be had similar issues as yours with my past. In the end, I had to give him an ultimatum: get over it, or get lost - not because I didn't respect his opinion, but because it would have been impossible for me to enter into a LTR with someone who looked down on me because of my past and who would continuously bring it up as an issue that caused distrust. I only gave the ultimatum however after several rounds of trying to constructively address his questions and concerns as honestly as possible. Edited September 10, 2010 by denise_xo
jamesum Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 She was angry because her ex husband cared too much about their kids? Hmm, that sounds kind of strange.
Not the love ace Posted September 11, 2010 Posted September 11, 2010 I agree with what Denise has stated.
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