Today is his bday/I'm falling apart

[pandagirl]

Today is his birthday. I had all his presents, but never sent them because we brokeup before that happened. So now they're just sitting in my apartment, and I don't have the emotional strength to even deal with them.

 

Truth is, though I've been keeping it together on LS, I'm falling apart. I wake up every morning crying for about an hour, and walk like a zombie through the day. I barely eat and though I'm still being social, I'm not enjoying any of it.

 

I'm starting to blame myself. If I wasn't depressed and so difficult during the last months, this wouldn't have happened. Our last trip was plagued by my depression, and it caused so much fighting, which carried over to when I got back, to our eventual breakup. He pulled away. How can you blame him? I pushed him away with my clingy-ness, my insecurities, my crying... He got tired of comforting me, and eventually lost patience. If only that last trip was like our other trips -- fun, connected, close -- we'd still be together.

 

I hate that the last time I saw him, this was the person I was. I feel like it's my fault.

 

Anyway, but back to the bday thing. I don't know whether to wish him a happy bday or not. The last time we talked was on Wednesday, and it was actually a really good conversation, and left it off on good terms. We even talked about his birthday a lot. So for me not to wish him a happy bday, would be a little weird. Not weird, but like some sort of game I was playing -- purposefully not saying anything.

 

I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I've been coming off as such as weak person to him lately that I want to give off the impression that I am fine and doing well....

[Green]

don't worry about it... or think about it.

[Billie The Puppet]

If you are doing NC , dont send gifts or even say happy bday

 

My ex broke it off with me weeks before her Birthday knowing I had already bought her gifts

 

I gave them to her still and took off on vacation.

 

We talked on her bday and it was too awkward for us.

[leftfield]

Everybody seems to be struggling today, I don't know what it is but there is some serious out pouring of grief on LS today. It's OK to admit that you're not doing very well, I'm not either, I think it's good to come on here and get that out in the open. It's not easy to keep up the pretence that you're 'coping' all the time. There will be times like today that you're not. Here more than anywhere you can let it all out, so let it all out!

 

As for the blame game, as hard as it clearly is, you need to try to be kinder to yourself. I've played the "what ifs" over in my mind a lot recently and it can start to become all consuming. It feeds the blame and feelings of worthlessness. We can't replay the past unfortunately, so what about the now, what about the future.

 

If you're already on speaking terms anyway, I would say just send him a brief birthday message or something. It was my ex's birthday about a month after we split. I wished her happy birthday, I don't regret it. Don't over analyse what he may or may not think about you sending him a message, it will only contribute to your mixed up feelings and emotions. I'd say just go with your gut instinct. I doubt my ex read too much into the message either way, it was her birthday, she probably had messages from lots of people. It will probably be the same for him.

 

I feel for you having his birthday presents sat in your apartment. You do need to deal with that, but not today. Today you need to forgive yourself. Depression is an illness, you couldn't control it or just stop having it. I've had it as well, it's awful, so don't blame yourself for that. I also think when you were depressed you probably had a skewed perspective on your relationship, you tend to have a skewed perspective on everything. You would see all the negatives in yourself and none of the positives, think in extremes ("it was ALL my fault" etc.). This doesn't necessarily reflect the truth of it. I'm sure he played his part in your breakup.

 

If you decide to send him a message keep it brief, you won't come off as weak. If you talked to him a couple of days ago and it was amicable then personally I think it would appear more odd not to send something, but that's just my opinion, go with your gut. Good luck.

[kirbkirb]

I'm right there with ya girl. Tomorrow is his birthdayand I alreadyhave his presents and all of our friends had plans to go out already. He ended things saying he wanted to be friends and I'm not sure weather I should go tomorrow night or not. I think you should just send him a Happy Birthday text and leave it at that.

[pandagirl]

Everybody seems to be struggling today, I don't know what it is but there is some serious out pouring of grief on LS today. It's OK to admit that you're not doing very well, I'm not either, I think it's good to come on here and get that out in the open. It's not easy to keep up the pretence that you're 'coping' all the time. There will be times like today that you're not. Here more than anywhere you can let it all out, so let it all out!

 

As for the blame game, as hard as it clearly is, you need to try to be kinder to yourself. I've played the "what ifs" over in my mind a lot recently and it can start to become all consuming. It feeds the blame and feelings of worthlessness. We can't replay the past unfortunately, so what about the now, what about the future.

 

If you're already on speaking terms anyway, I would say just send him a brief birthday message or something. It was my ex's birthday about a month after we split. I wished her happy birthday, I don't regret it. Don't over analyse what he may or may not think about you sending him a message, it will only contribute to your mixed up feelings and emotions. I'd say just go with your gut instinct. I doubt my ex read too much into the message either way, it was her birthday, she probably had messages from lots of people. It will probably be the same for him.

 

I feel for you having his birthday presents sat in your apartment. You do need to deal with that, but not today. Today you need to forgive yourself. Depression is an illness, you couldn't control it or just stop having it. I've had it as well, it's awful, so don't blame yourself for that. I also think when you were depressed you probably had a skewed perspective on your relationship, you tend to have a skewed perspective on everything. You would see all the negatives in yourself and none of the positives, think in extremes ("it was ALL my fault" etc.). This doesn't necessarily reflect the truth of it. I'm sure he played his part in your breakup.

 

If you decide to send him a message keep it brief, you won't come off as weak. If you talked to him a couple of days ago and it was amicable then personally I think it would appear more odd not to send something, but that's just my opinion, go with your gut. Good luck.

 

Thanks for your very thoughtful response.

 

We're not really in NC. If I'm honest, the only reason I wouldn't wish him a happy bday is because I want to wonder why I didn't write him, and let him feel how it feels to be ignored. But honestly, he probably wouldn't even notice, because this whole breakup has been so easy on him. But it's not even just this breakup, it's life -- like nothing really affects him very much.

 

He was always very supportive and accepting of my faults, which is why I feel horrible that I took advantage of that. When I brought up my depression and if that's why he didn't want to be with me, he just cut me off and said: "STOP. That has nothing to do with it, so take it off the table immediately." I know it wasn't the depression itself, but it was how it played a part in our relationship that I feel weakened us.

 

I think, I know that our relationship had to end, or was coming to an end when he broke up with me. I even thought about it. But I feel like, we could have worked it out. I wanted to work it out. But he was uncompromising. I know I pushed him away, but he gave me no choice. But if you love someone, don't you do anything to make it work?

 

I just don't believe it's over, even though I know I need to accept it's over. I look at our relationship and the distance really put a strain on it. I feel like he choose his life, over us.

[leftfield]

I think, I know that our relationship had to end, or was coming to an end when he broke up with me. I even thought about it. But I feel like, we could have worked it out. I wanted to work it out. But he was uncompromising. I know I pushed him away, but he gave me no choice. But if you love someone, don't you do anything to make it work?

 

I just don't believe it's over, even though I know I need to accept it's over. I look at our relationship and the distance really put a strain on it. I feel like he choose his life, over us.

 

I've just said almost exactly the same thing on a thread I started earlier. I felt so strongly that although our relationship was having problems, it could still be saved. And I even had those same thoughts as you, if we both still love each other, why did she not want to try to make it work?

 

The problem is, I think that's a logical response, rather than the emotional one that probably prompted his decision to breakup with you. There was no logic and reason I could use to make my ex see that we could still work, her mind was set on something else.

 

As you say, acceptance is the key to getting over this. I've started to do that, and it hurts like hell. I almost want to retreat back to my little cocoon of coping with it by clinging on to the slightest hope that she might come back. She's not going to, I know that, and now like you I'm grieving.

 

Distance is always a problem in a relationship, I've experienced that in a previous relationship as well and it sucks. And I seem to recall you saying somewhere that in a few months time you would have had the chance to correct that particular issue as well, which makes this breakup all the more frustrating for you. I'm sorry you're going through all the pain and crap that I'm going through, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but don't take all the blame, you'll just add more weight to your already heavy heart.

[carhill]

As a response to the OP - You have broken up. Even if he was the initiator, the result is still in evidence. Of course your feelings are still strong and pervasive. You don't want to be broken up. Grief and acceptance will come in time. Actions you take now will facilitate that process. Letting go of the gifts, their meaning and importance is part of that process. They are symbols of what once was and no longer is. Trust that, even as the initiator, he has similar feelings on today, his BD, and has to choose actions which facilitate and validate the decision he made.

 

My sympathies......

[pandagirl]

I've just said almost exactly the same thing on a thread I started earlier. I felt so strongly that although our relationship was having problems, it could still be saved. And I even had those same thoughts as you, if we both still love each other, why did she not want to try to make it work?

 

The problem is, I think that's a logical response, rather than the emotional one that probably prompted his decision to breakup with you. There was no logic and reason I could use to make my ex see that we could still work, her mind was set on something else.

 

As you say, acceptance is the key to getting over this. I've started to do that, and it hurts like hell. I almost want to retreat back to my little cocoon of coping with it by clinging on to the slightest hope that she might come back. She's not going to, I know that, and now like you I'm grieving.

 

Distance is always a problem in a relationship, I've experienced that in a previous relationship as well and it sucks. And I seem to recall you saying somewhere that in a few months time you would have had the chance to correct that particular issue as well, which makes this breakup all the more frustrating for you. I'm sorry you're going through all the pain and crap that I'm going through, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but don't take all the blame, you'll just add more weight to your already heavy heart.

 

 

As a response to the OP - You have broken up. Even if he was the initiator, the result is still in evidence. Of course your feelings are still strong and pervasive. You don't want to be broken up. Grief and acceptance will come in time. Actions you take now will facilitate that process. Letting go of the gifts, their meaning and importance is part of that process. They are symbols of what once was and no longer is. Trust that, even as the initiator, he has similar feelings on today, his BD, and has to choose actions which facilitate and validate the decision he made.

 

My sympathies......

 

Thank both of your for your replies.

 

I'm feeling better. Though I felt his love and affection, I realize that it often only came when it was "convenient" for him -- when he missed me, when he wasn't busy, when he felt like it. Of course, he didn't see being with me a chore, but when it came down to it, his needs always came first. Which worked in our relationship because I am such a giver.

 

I don't know why I remember this, but I remember him telling me once that he took a career personality test. It probably wasn't a very scientific one, but his result? It said he was a megalomaniac. I never really gave it any consideration, because at the time, he was very much into me, had the time for me, etc. But the demise of our relationship had very much to do with what my needs were versus his needs/wants. Once, I wasn't fitting into what he wanted/serviced him, he withdrew.

 

Then, I look at his father, who he is quickly becoming. My ex often complained about his father, because his dad is domineering and thinks he is always right. It makes me sad because he always said he didn't want to be like that, because I think it hurt him so much growing up. Even worse? My ex followed in his father's professional footsteps AND works for him. My ex doesn't show much emotion, but his dad would often cause him emotional hurt. I saw it. When he made his dad proud, I could tell it meant a lot to him.

 

Now, I'm not saying my ex IS a megalomaniac, but I can now see that he at least as some of the attributes of one.

 

It's just something for me to think about.

[LoveTNT]

Today is his birthday. I had all his presents, but never sent them because we brokeup before that happened. So now they're just sitting in my apartment, and I don't have the emotional strength to even deal with them.

 

Truth is, though I've been keeping it together on LS, I'm falling apart. I wake up every morning crying for about an hour, and walk like a zombie through the day. I barely eat and though I'm still being social, I'm not enjoying any of it.

 

I'm starting to blame myself. If I wasn't depressed and so difficult during the last months, this wouldn't have happened. Our last trip was plagued by my depression, and it caused so much fighting, which carried over to when I got back, to our eventual breakup. He pulled away. How can you blame him? I pushed him away with my clingy-ness, my insecurities, my crying... He got tired of comforting me, and eventually lost patience. If only that last trip was like our other trips -- fun, connected, close -- we'd still be together.

 

I hate that the last time I saw him, this was the person I was. I feel like it's my fault.

 

Anyway, but back to the bday thing. I don't know whether to wish him a happy bday or not. The last time we talked was on Wednesday, and it was actually a really good conversation, and left it off on good terms. We even talked about his birthday a lot. So for me not to wish him a happy bday, would be a little weird. Not weird, but like some sort of game I was playing -- purposefully not saying anything.

 

I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I've been coming off as such as weak person to him lately that I want to give off the impression that I am fine and doing well....

 

 

Little miss panda,

 

I'm so right there with you,. As I read your post it's much a like to what happened with me and my ex. Yes I've blamed myself for being sad and clingy and needy the last few months, and like you said about your ex,he probably got tired of it. It was so hurtful that I initiated the break up ( weird how we do things, in fear of it really happening to us) I felt like I became a chore to him. Horrible as it may sound. He was so angry that I told him I was tired of it all. It was the truth, I was so broken.

 

You said you spoke to him Wednesday and you had a good conversation that's good, but I did too, and honestly I can't be just friends. Then I expect my ex to reach out and he doesn't and it blows in my face.

 

I know it's hard for you to come to a decision,whether you should text or not for his bday, and it keeps playing over and over and you start feeling guilty that you might not etc...Honestly, hun same thing with me, and we need to stay strong. They know how we feel. If it's too hurtful for you to text him and you're worried that you might not get the response you want, don't do it. At some point we need to worry about ourselves.

 

I've broke NC every week. But I'm trying so hard not to this time around. I feel like I'm a little more disciplined, what scares me is if and when he reaches out to me, will i be able to stay NC. I don't want to feel like "omg if I don't text him back this and that may happen"... He knows I wanted to work it out and your ex does too, and if they can't see that right now, we can't MAKE them.

 

Stay strong hun, I'm there with you in the mornings, it's hard to get up. I wrote myself a morning letter yesterday...The reasons why I need to stay strong, it's a prayer and I ask for strength, peace, understanding and guidance... I've been carrying it with me everywhere. So in the mornings i read it, even if I'm crying while I read it. I take work breaks in the bathroom and release some tears read it again then come back to the desk. I read it before I go into my evening classes and I read it before bed. I made a promise in the letter I would not contact him.

 

Maybe you can write one and do the same.

 

I don't want to be a zombie, I want to live...

 

Take care of yourself...

[Kamille]

Did two talk about what kind of contact you would want post-breakup? What did you tell him you needed?

[pandagirl]

Did two talk about what kind of contact you would want post-breakup? What did you tell him you needed?

 

He said that he obviously wasn't going to disappear -- that he is here, and that we would talk. But also said that if I couldn't talk to him, that he would understand.

 

I guess, there is no harm in sending him a quick bday text or email, but the truth is, I'm tired of the one always reaching out to him.

 

But, since we explicitly talked about his bday two days ago, I don't want to come off as seeming 1) too hurt to contact him or 2) playing some sort of game by not.

[Star Gazer]

I can't type everything I want out on my iPhone, but I just wanted to say that my heart hurts for you and I'm thinking about you... But please know this breakup is NOT "your fault." You two really are the victim of circumstances, but you have to take steps to move on and heal... Heed carhill's wise advice.

 

xoxo

Edited September 10, 2010 by Star Gazer

[Kamille]

He said that he obviously wasn't going to disappear -- that he is here, and that we would talk. But also said that if I couldn't talk to him, that he would understand.

 

 

Do you feel ready to talk to him? He will understand if you need more time.

[pandagirl]

Do you feel ready to talk to him? He will understand if you need more time.

 

I wouldn't want to call him. I have a short bday email drafted. I know he wouldn't reply, so that's not my expectation.

[Kamille]

I wouldn't want to call him. I have a short bday email drafted. I know he wouldn't reply, so that's not my expectation.

 

Why wouldn't he reply?

[pandagirl]

Why wouldn't he reply?

 

He just wouldn't.

 

You know the more I think about it, I'm beginning to realize he had traits of NPD. Not full-blown NPD -- but traces of it.

 

I know he thinks he loves me, or he believes it, but honestly, I don't think he knows what love really is.

[Kamille]

In your shoes, I wouldn't want to send him a birthday text.

 

Best case scenario: he responds with a courteous thank you to respond to your b-day wishes.

 

Likely scenario: He doesn't respond, thus making you feel once again like you're always the only one reaching out to him.

 

Worst case scenario: he responds with more than a courteous thank you and you end up getting your hopes up all over again.

[Silvaria]

But, since we explicitly talked about his bday two days ago, I don't want to come off as seeming 1) too hurt to contact him or 2) playing some sort of game by not.

 

This is exactly why personally, I -would- send him a happy birthday text. However, I would make it generic-but-friendly, something like, "Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, hope your day goes well."

 

Unless, of course, you're trying to go NC, but I haven't gathered that you are, from your posts.

 

Please let us know what you decide to do.

[pandagirl]

In your shoes, I wouldn't want to send him a birthday text.

 

Best case scenario: he responds with a courteous thank you to respond to your b-day wishes.

 

Likely scenario: He doesn't respond, thus making you feel once again like you're always the only one reaching out to him.

 

Worst case scenario: he responds with more than a courteous thank you and you end up getting your hopes up all over again.

 

Despite my sadness, I actually don't think I want to get back together with him anymore. I've done a lot of thinking today about our relationship, and though I love him, he is not someone who I want to be with in the long-term. I've realized we are really different people, when it comes to how we deal with life, relations and our emotions. He's a good guy, but not 'the one' for me.

 

This is exactly why personally, I -would- send him a happy birthday text. However, I would make it generic-but-friendly, something like, "Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, hope your day goes well."

 

Unless, of course, you're trying to go NC, but I haven't gathered that you are, from your posts.

 

Please let us know what you decide to do.

 

I'm not going NC. Probably LC, and won't contact him until I feel ready to. The bday text is more of nicety. I haven't decided what to do yet, but if I do text him, I'm going NC for at least a few weeks.

[Kamille]

Though I love him, he is not someone who I want to be with in the long-term.

 

 

If there's long-term, there's also short-term. In the long-term it won't matter whether or not you send him a message today. In the short-term, how might sending that text make you feel?

[pandagirl]

If there's long-term, there's also short-term. In the long-term it won't matter whether or not you send him a message today. In the short-term, how might sending that text make you feel?

 

I'm all over the place today emotion wise, so I don't know. I feel extremely disillusioned about our relationship.

[Kamille]

I'm all over the place today emotion wise, so I don't know. I feel extremely disillusioned about our relationship.

 

You need to reach a decision about this and stick to it. Trying to figure this out can't be helping you along.

 

You do need to get angry after a break up. So that part is good. Too bad it falls on his birthday. But your well-being comes first.

 

My impression definitely is that you're not ready. It's too soon. That's all it is.

[pandagirl]

You need to reach a decision about this and stick to it. Trying to figure this out can't be helping you along.

 

You do need to get angry after a break up. So that part is good. Too bad it falls on his birthday. But your well-being comes first.

 

My impression definitely is that you're not ready. It's too soon. That's all it is.

 

Well, I actually just called him and talked for about 30 minutes. I know -- a drastic change from just a text.

 

It was about 20 minutes of shooting the ****, then of course, I had to bring up the breakup. We joke about how I am very emo, and he is very stoic. I just told him, "Why can't you just show ANY emotion?" Not once has he alluded to the notion that our breakup has affected him in any way. He got a little annoyed at my question, but he said, "My outward appearances don't always reflect how I really feel. So, yes, Panda, I am obviously sad. Geesh."

 

He also asked if I had got on a better medication for my depression yet, because the last two I tried were were not good for me. And told me he hoped I wasn't doing that thing where I dwell on the negative and start blaming myself. Whoops...

 

In terms of contact after this, I think I will play it by ear. If I don't feel great, I will keep my distance. For now, it's time for me to start letting go and focus on myself. I know it shouldn't matter, but it really helped me to hear that he was affected by our breakup.