Forgotten Already?!

[TigerCub]

I just don't know what to think....

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, I asked MM to come up to my floor @ work and we were talking in the boardroom.

 

I told him how I'm sorry that I keep flip flopping with NC with him, but I just can't find a balance to keep him in my life without drama.

 

I told him I appreciated how he's done what I asked when I asked it with regards to that.

 

I told him that I think now I want us to be friends again, like emails and coffee (like we used to do) - he used to start my day with an email, and we'd just keep writing back and forth and it was always just fun stuff, and joking around and stuff.

 

He said that the past while has been really hard because he can't get past what we had.

 

Then he kissed me

 

We kissed for a little while, and since it was close to lunch time, we decided to take some time off and just hang out, we went to some park and hung out there and then we started making out in my car. We did the usual stuff (we've never had intercourse), but we did the rest.

 

After that he just sent me an email when we were back at work and he emailed me just to say thanks for a nice day, etc....

 

But I haven't heard from him since. Its been almost 2 weeks and the whole point of me talking to him that Monday was because I wanted us to try being friends again, and he was all for it, but I haven't heard from him.

 

Well except sometime this week, I was walking to work, and I guess he was behind me, I never notice these things, so he just started chatting and stuff, it was random and it was just a bump into someone on the street kinda thing.

 

This all makes me really sad. He used to write to me every morning, he used to text me in the evenings sometimes and on the weekends.

 

I just fear that maybe cuz I've done this back/forth NC he finally figured that I cave so much and now he just wants me to chase after him, which I wont do. I'm really upset at what he's doing, and it breaks my heart.

 

BTW - I thought of the list thing (to those who have heard me refer to it) after that Monday, its still up on my wall, and so I wont be contacting him first.

 

I guess my rant is about that feeling of "being forgotten" or fearing that they no longer miss you or love you like you thought they did.

 

Do the other OW/OM go through that?

 

Right now its not even about being with him again, its about wanting to know if he really did just lose feelings for me.

 

That day we hung out he told me he loves me, but his actions are proving otherwise.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

[KarmasTestDummy]

I think you may have complicated things for him by asking for friendship then running off to lunch and making out. That doesn't say I want our friendship back, that says I'm using false pretenses of friendshipto have you back the way we were. You can't expect him to not be flip-floppy if you can't hold yourself to the same standard. Don't do as you always have done and expect a different result. If you want a friendship then you have to be off limits for the rest. If you want it all then you have to be honest with yourself first and then with him. If you can't, then him going NC again is for the best. Someone has to set the boundary.

[TigerCub]

Thanks for the reply KTD,

 

I see what you're saying. I really do. All I wanted from our talk was to let him know that I think we should just be friends again (like we were), then he kissed me and yes - that's not an excuse for not having will power, but I couldn't help it.

 

There was a time when THAT was our friendship. we'd do the email, the coffee, the lunch, the texts, and some making out - but YES, I did find that confusing, and painful so I kept trying NC.

 

I dunno, its all a mess.

 

The only thing is that I think his NC is because he thinks that I'm going to chase after him (and I REALLY AM NOT THIS TIME) - I wanted to be friends, to have him back in my life on some level, but I'm not going to chase after him.

 

It just makes me really sad that he can now go all this time without so much as an email, whereas before he couldn't stop himself from writing me and contacting me. That loss makes me feel like I was that easy to forget.

 

Thanks again for your insight

 

ps. that's actually the FIRST time HE's gone NC, it's always been me that's initiated it, and now he did it and maybe that's what I find so hurtful (even though I probably shouldn't, since I've done it numerous times)

The thing is though, whenever I've done NC, I explained, so that he wouldn't feel like I'm casting him aside for no reason, I wanted him to still know that he was loved, but that I was trying to break free.

He didn't even do that - so it just leaves a lot of questions in my head - like "WHY?"

Edited September 10, 2010 by TigerCub

[BB07]

It's very difficult if not impossible to go back to being just friends if you are/were lovers. Add in the complications of an affair and all that comes with that and it's a recipe for disaster. Also the NC but yet not sticking to it, has to be confusing for both of you. Maybe you need to accept that you can't be just friends with this man?

[diormidnightpoison]

I'm wondering if friendship is possible after an A. I tried it for about a year. My MM had me convinced that I was the only one he could talk to, etc. I was desperate to keep his friendship because I thought that by keeping it it would force him to keep me in his life. Then I realized that he just isn't the type to talk about his feelings, etc. He doesn't need friends like I do. My friendship wasn't important to him. I am currently doing the NC thing with him, and he hasn't contacted me.

 

I really think that maybe you should consider that being friends with him isn't a good thing right now. Maybe in the future when the A is farther behind you, it could happen, but not now. For me, giving up our friendship was difficult because he truly was my best friend. I may end up working with him in a year or two. I hope we can be friends then, but not now after the things that have happened between us. I'm too hurt by it all.

 

I hope this helps. I feel for you, he hasn't contacted me either. I know it is for the best, but part of me wishes that he would just so I would know that he thought of me on occasion.

[TigerCub]

It's very difficult if not impossible to go back to being just friends if you are/were lovers. Add in the complications of an affair and all that comes with that and it's a recipe for disaster. Also the NC but yet not sticking to it, has to be confusing for both of you. Maybe you need to accept that you can't be just friends with this man?

 

I think you're right BB, its just that that was the best time we had, (before he got back with baby momma), and even for a while after, it was just so good, we really were close and we'd just joke and talk and he'd tell me things about himself that hardly anybody knew about. We really connected during that time.

 

I think I just wanted to get that back so badly. But Things did get more complicated once he went back to her, and although for a while we were still good, out feelings were so intense that I just couldn't take it anymore.

 

I guess I"m fooling myself into believing that if we could just get back to the good times, things would be ok between us.

 

he's back with her and he knows I'm seeing someone (not exclusive yet), but he knows that I'm not really just waiting for him.

 

I dunno - maybe in time, we could be friends again, but now it just doesn't seem likely (and probably not for the best anyways, since I proved that its so easy for us to just get physical)

 

thanks

[jj33]

Feelings dont evaporate over night. But its not easy for him either. Sometimes stepping back is the easiest thing to do and the most comfortable when you cant have the sort of relationship youd like to have with someone.

 

Real friendship isnt possible until the desire to make out over lunch has long gone. And I dont say that harshly. But a friendship at this stage is not a real friendship. Its a desire to capture the essence of what you shared without crossing the line. 2 very different things. You had a romance. You both need alot of time to heal and move forward before real friendship is possible.

[TigerCub]

I'm wondering if friendship is possible after an A. I tried it for about a year. My MM had me convinced that I was the only one he could talk to, etc. I was desperate to keep his friendship because I thought that by keeping it it would force him to keep me in his life. Then I realized that he just isn't the type to talk about his feelings, etc. He doesn't need friends like I do. My friendship wasn't important to him. I am currently doing the NC thing with him, and he hasn't contacted me.

 

I really think that maybe you should consider that being friends with him isn't a good thing right now. Maybe in the future when the A is farther behind you, it could happen, but not now.

 

Thanks for the response and for telling me about your experiences with this. I'm sorry that you were hurting too

 

I think you're right about the bad timing for the friendship. I just don't want to let that go - but I guess I have to.

 

 

but part of me wishes that he would just so I would know that he thought of me on occasion.

 

I think that's the thing that hurts me the most about this. Before, I knew that I was always on his mind, and that he constantly wanted to talk to me, and hang out and stuff, but my flip flopping with NC confused things worse.

 

It just makes me really sad that when we talked that Monday, and I told him that I wanted us to be friends again (no NC), he agreed and told me that he couldn't get past what we had.

 

Then after what we did on that lunch break, he just didn't really go back into friendship mode

 

so I think either he lied about wanting to be friends

or he just wants me to chase after him

or he had doubts later

 

but what bugs me is that he never explained things to me, like I always did with him, so now I'm just left wondering and feeling really forgotten.

 

I never wanted him to feel that way, so I always was honest and explained why I do the things I do, he didn't and that's what makes me feel like I"m so easy to just cast aside and forget

[bohogirl]

Feelings dont evaporate over night. But its not easy for him either. Sometimes stepping back is the easiest thing to do and the most comfortable when you cant have the sort of relationship youd like to have with someone.

 

Real friendship isnt possible until the desire to make out over lunch has long gone. And I dont say that harshly. But a friendship at this stage is not a real friendship. Its a desire to capture the essence of what you shared without crossing the line. 2 very different things. You had a romance. You both need alot of time to heal and move forward before real friendship is possible.

 

You are spot on.

[TigerCub]

Feelings dont evaporate over night.

I hope not, because my feelings for him certainly haven't evaporated.

 

Real friendship isnt possible until the desire to make out over lunch has long gone. And I dont say that harshly.

haha, I didn't think you were being harsh that actually made laugh, its funny cuz its so true!!

 

But a friendship at this stage is not a real friendship. Its a desire to capture the essence of what you shared without crossing the line.

 

That's very true, I think I want those good times back because that was the best thing we had, and I was/am trying to recapture that essence.

 

It's just hard to come to terms with the fact that it can't be done.

 

You had a romance. You both need alot of time to heal and move forward before real friendship is possible.

 

That's true. Time just crawls by when feelings are so strong (at least on my part). I really know that what you're saying is true, I just get sad when I really realize it.

 

Thanks for your advice

[diormidnightpoison]

Not only do you have to grieve the affair, him, etc., but you will also have to grieve the idea of having a great friendship with him. That has been really hard for me. One day, though, it just hit me. "We can't be friends. Not right now. I'm going to be ok eventually." It was weird. Once I realized that, it just seems that the grieving took place (for the friendship part) in a very natural way. I think that was the easiest part for me. (It was still hard, though!) The rest seems much harder. It will hurt like hell, but let yourself embrace the idea that you can't be friends with him. I would really challenge myself. I would think, :"What will I do without him as my friend?" Then I would think, "Come on, seriously? How often was he there for you really?" I would then list examples of when I needed him and he wasn't there because he was with his GF (longterm, 10 years). He could have been with me, he just chose her over me. That isn't a real friendship. You have your list going, highlight the ones that showcase what a friend would NOT do to you. In time, you will see that you were probably a great friend for him, but he wasn't for you. Just some thoughts.

[TigerCub]

Thanks Dior (btw - Dior: Pure Poison is my current perfume - I LUV IT!! )

 

I just miss the way things were.

Right now, its not even so much about losing the friendship, its just how he did it. It made me feel totally disregarded because I never did it to him that way.

 

I guess that's just one more thing to add to the list

 

I hope I can get over all of this, and be able to come to terms with where everything stands eventually.

 

This feeling of heart ache is just soooooooo painful, and on top of it to feel like he's just casting me aside without an explanation is adding to the pain.

 

I really need to continue with my therapy, because I know that the feelings of being cast aside and not being loved so stem from other issues.

 

I just want to be done with all this pain.

 

Thanks for you support

[diormidnightpoison]

Ah, another Dior Diva! I love it!

 

I know how you feel. Although I know it is good that my MM hasn't contacted me, the pain I feel is sometimes unbearable when I think how he hasn't even tried to contact me and made so many changes just to keep his GF. There truly is no other word to describe the pain. I've laid on my bed begging God to do something so I wouldn't feel it anymore. I have no advice on that one. we just have to get through it.

[jwi71]

I just don't know what to think....

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, I asked MM to come up to my floor @ work and we were talking in the boardroom.

 

I told him how I'm sorry that I keep flip flopping with NC with him, but I just can't find a balance to keep him in my life without drama.

 

I told him I appreciated how he's done what I asked when I asked it with regards to that.

 

I told him that I think now I want us to be friends again, like emails and coffee (like we used to do) - he used to start my day with an email, and we'd just keep writing back and forth and it was always just fun stuff, and joking around and stuff.

 

He said that the past while has been really hard because he can't get past what we had.

 

Then he kissed me

 

We kissed for a little while, and since it was close to lunch time, we decided to take some time off and just hang out, we went to some park and hung out there and then we started making out in my car. We did the usual stuff (we've never had intercourse), but we did the rest.

 

After that he just sent me an email when we were back at work and he emailed me just to say thanks for a nice day, etc....

 

But I haven't heard from him since. Its been almost 2 weeks and the whole point of me talking to him that Monday was because I wanted us to try being friends again, and he was all for it, but I haven't heard from him.

 

Well except sometime this week, I was walking to work, and I guess he was behind me, I never notice these things, so he just started chatting and stuff, it was random and it was just a bump into someone on the street kinda thing.

 

This all makes me really sad. He used to write to me every morning, he used to text me in the evenings sometimes and on the weekends.

 

I just fear that maybe cuz I've done this back/forth NC he finally figured that I cave so much and now he just wants me to chase after him, which I wont do. I'm really upset at what he's doing, and it breaks my heart.

 

BTW - I thought of the list thing (to those who have heard me refer to it) after that Monday, its still up on my wall, and so I wont be contacting him first.

 

I guess my rant is about that feeling of "being forgotten" or fearing that they no longer miss you or love you like you thought they did.

 

Do the other OW/OM go through that?

 

Right now its not even about being with him again, its about wanting to know if he really did just lose feelings for me.

 

That day we hung out he told me he loves me, but his actions are proving otherwise.

 

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

If I understand this...you told him you can't be having an A anymore and can only be friends...then had sex (everything but penetration, I'll just call it sex).

 

Then he says I love you and creates the distance you just asked for which you are now complaining about.

 

Seriously...I don't get it. You are getting EXACTLY what you asked for - no more A and just be friends.

 

Sounds like you are both playing games with each other tbh.

NC isn't a game, power play or ploy. Its the end. Immediate. Total. Irrevocable. Forever.

 

I personally believe former lovers (even legit ones not in an A) cannot go to being just friends. Or maybe that's just how I am wired. Its called a break up because its broken. And cannot be fixed. No point looking back.

 

I predict you wallow in this misery until you TRULY decide its over.

Then you quit your job and move on with your life. Because LC or just being friends only sets you back.

 

Actually...I predict this A reignites again. I cannot beleive you will enforce boundaries that you have so easily crossed before.

[TigerCub]

Ah, another Dior Diva! I love it!

 

yup - gotta luv that Dior

 

I know how you feel. Although I know it is good that my MM hasn't contacted me, the pain I feel is sometimes unbearable when I think how he hasn't even tried to contact me and made so many changes just to keep his GF. There truly is no other word to describe the pain. I've laid on my bed begging God to do something so I wouldn't feel it anymore. I have no advice on that one. we just have to get through it.

 

I feel your pain hun, and I'm so sorry that you're going through the same kind of loss, heart ache.

I too hope that we can both get past the pain and move on to better things

 

This just sucks so much!!

[TigerCub]

If I understand this...you told him you can't be having an A anymore and can only be friends...then had sex (everything but penetration, I'll just call it sex).

I told him that we couldn't have an A before. On the numerous times I tried NC. When I saw him that Monday, I told him that I wanted us to be friends again, like we were, there was no mention of the A, or us being physical in any way, like, I didn't say, we couldn't have it, and I didn't say we could. All I said was that I missed him and I wanted us to talk again.

 

Then he says I love you and creates the distance you just asked for which you are now complaining about.

I didn't ask for distance (this time). The whole point of the conversation was that we should talk again. He agreed to it.

 

But I do know that it is confusing if I keep trying to readjust our boundaries, Nc, then No NC, then A, then lets be friends without the A, then NC, then lets be friends and no mention of the A. I do realize that I'm acting really flip floppy, and its causing us both confusion and drama.

 

Seriously...I don't get it. You are getting EXACTLY what you asked for - no more A and just be friends.

But it doesn't seem like we are friends. He doesn't email me like he used to, or text me, or do coffee - those were the friend things I was referring to, and we're not doing that

 

Sounds like you are both playing games with each other tbh.

Thanks for your honesty. I truly didn't intend for my NC to be a power play really. At first, there were times, where I did it, just because I didn't want to give him the emotional stuff he was missing @ home - I wanted him to see what his relationship with the GF really is like without me.

 

But...later, when I did NC, it was just because I felt so suffocated in the whole mess. I loved him and couldn't have him, or move on, so I thought that NC would be best.

Then I missed our friendship and thought that maybe we could at least have that.

 

I predict you wallow in this misery until you TRULY decide its over.

Then you quit your job and move on with your life. Because LC or just being friends only sets you back.

 

Actually...I predict this A reignites again. I cannot beleive you will enforce boundaries that you have so easily crossed before.

 

I can't really give an answer for that, because I honestly don't know.

A part of me really does not want to resume the A because I logically see how destructive it is.

 

But a part of me just misses him so much and loves him, so although I hope that I wont start the A again, past actions show that I really don't have much self control or any good judgment when it comes to that.

 

I'm hoping that in this time off I'll concentrate on the other relationship I'm in (the one I'm not exclusive in yet) - I should see where that goes and give it a chance.

 

I really don't know what I'm doing, or what I truly want.

 

Thanks for your help

[donnamaybe]

I really don't know what I'm doing, or what I truly want.

Can I presume to sum this up for you since you seem to be having difficulty?

 

You want him in a full time R. Did I get it right?

 

If so, do you ever see that happening? Do you ever see him leaving his M?

[ladydesigner]

I just don't know what to think....

 

Almost 2 weeks ago, I asked MM to come up to my floor @ work and we were talking in the boardroom.

 

I told him how I'm sorry that I keep flip flopping with NC with him, but I just can't find a balance to keep him in my life without drama.

 

I told him I appreciated how he's done what I asked when I asked it with regards to that.

 

I told him that I think now I want us to be friends again, like emails and coffee (like we used to do) - he used to start my day with an email, and we'd just keep writing back and forth and it was always just fun stuff, and joking around and stuff.

 

He said that the past while has been really hard because he can't get past what we had.

 

Then he kissed me

 

We kissed for a little while, and since it was close to lunch time, we decided to take some time off and just hang out, we went to some park and hung out there and then we started making out in my car. We did the usual stuff (we've never had intercourse), but we did the rest.

 

After that he just sent me an email when we were back at work and he emailed me just to say thanks for a nice day, etc....

 

But I haven't heard from him since. Its been almost 2 weeks and the whole point of me talking to him that Monday was because I wanted us to try being friends again, and he was all for it, but I haven't heard from him.

 

Well except sometime this week, I was walking to work, and I guess he was behind me, I never notice these things, so he just started chatting and stuff, it was random and it was just a bump into someone on the street kinda thing.

 

This all makes me really sad. He used to write to me every morning, he used to text me in the evenings sometimes and on the weekends.

 

I just fear that maybe cuz I've done this back/forth NC he finally figured that I cave so much and now he just wants me to chase after him, which I wont do. I'm really upset at what he's doing, and it breaks my heart.

 

BTW - I thought of the list thing (to those who have heard me refer to it) after that Monday, its still up on my wall, and so I wont be contacting him first.

 

I guess my rant is about that feeling of "being forgotten" or fearing that they no longer miss you or love you like you thought they did.

 

Do the other OW/OM go through that?

 

Right now its not even about being with him again, its about wanting to know if he really did just lose feelings for me.

 

That day we hung out he told me he loves me, but his actions are proving otherwise.

Any insight would be appreciated.

 

Thanks

 

Most of the time their actions prove otherwise. I know in my situation it did. It was all words and no action. I'm an xMOW by the way. My XOM (he is an attached OM) also wanted to be friends. We did that for a year, I was still in pain. NC, and strict NC for me, has been the only thing that has helped me. It has helped me move past those thoughts of "did he lose feelings for me."

 

There are times when I wonder what he thinks but it is very rare. What purpose would it serve to know they still have feelings yet still chose to be where they are? The pain is still there. I don't want that anymore, especially when I know he probably never pinned away for me in silence as I did that whole year. Plus the whole friendship thing, I think that was a way to appease his guilt of hurting me and also the fact that he knew I still had feelings for him, a great ego boost.

 

Today I am 2 years out of my A and 1 year NC. I don't ever want a friendship with him and I don't care if he ever thinks of me. The games that my XOM played with me, and it sounds like your AP is doing the same i.e. going silent for 2 weeks, are just hideous. I could never imagine doing that to a friend or someone that I love. They are sick. I could not stand getting ignored emails and then get a flirty email like nothing had happened. It was such a mindf**k.

 

Get yourself out, get to NC, and erase him from your mind. They do not deserve the energy that we put into thinking about them. Not at all.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and hope that you find the strength to leave him far behind. He is not treating you kindly, lovingly, or with respect.

Edited September 10, 2010 by ladydesigner

[TigerCub]

Can I presume to sum this up for you since you seem to be having difficulty?

 

You want him in a full time R. Did I get it right?

Yes, that's what I wanted for a while

 

If so, do you ever see that happening? Do you ever see him leaving his M?

 

No, he thinks that one day he'll leave, I told him that he's just lying to himself so that he doesn't feel trapped, he's just telling himself he has a way out.

 

That's why I kept trying to break away to move on.

 

When I said "I don't know what I want" I meant with regards to having any kind of relationship with him. Most of the time, I do want him in my life, as a friend at least, I miss that closeness - but that kind of closeness was pretty much the start of the EA, and so that's why I don't know what I want too - because I honestly don't want to carry on the affair, I want to move on, but because I have such intense feelings for him - and he did for me, its just hard.

 

I feel like I'm sad either way.

[BB07]

Plus the whole friendship thing, I think that was a way to appease his guilt of hurting me and also the fact that he knew I still had feelings for him, a great ego boost.

 

I could never imagine doing that to a friend or someone that I love. They are sick. I could not stand getting ignored emails and then get a flirty email like nothing had happened. It was such a mindf**k.

 

Get yourself out, get to NC, and erase him from your mind. They do not deserve the energy that we put into thinking about them. Not at all.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and hope that you find the strength to leave him far behind. He is not treating you kindly, lovingly, or with respect.

Tiger, ready LadyD's post again and again, especially the parts I copied and especially that last line. "He is not treating you kindly, lovingly, or with respect." and I want to add this and I'm not throwing a punch at you by saying it, but you are allowing him to treat you this way.

[BB07]

When I said "I don't know what I want" I meant with regards to having any kind of relationship with him. Most of the time, I do want him in my life, as a friend at least, I miss that closeness - but that kind of closeness was pretty much the start of the EA, and so that's why I don't know what I want too - because I honestly don't want to carry on the affair, I want to move on, but because I have such intense feelings for him - and he did for me, its just hard.

 

I feel like I'm sad either way.

 

Tiger, it's OK to acknowledge that you miss that closeness, heck I even miss the closeness that I had with xmm, even after finding out it was such a f up'd situation, but missing it and accepting that you can't go back and you can't have it again are two different things. You have to let it go, that is the only way you can move on and get your self respect back. Hugs....

[TigerCub]

Most of the time their actions prove otherwise. I know in my situation it did. It was all words and no action.

Very true.

 

I'm an xMOW by the way. My XOM (he is an attached OM) also wanted to be friends. We did that for a year, I was still in pain. NC, and strict NC for me, has been the only thing that has helped me. It has helped me move past those thoughts of "did he lose feelings for me."

Good for you!

I really hope that I can get to that point sometime. I hate that question. I hate wondering and questioning if he ever really loved me at all.

 

Today I am 2 years out of my A and 1 year NC. I don't ever want a friendship with him and I don't care if he ever thinks of me.

 

Congrats!! I am truly happy for you. It must be a great feeling to finally be at that point

 

The games that my XOM played with me, and it sounds like your AP is doing the same i.e. going silent for 2 weeks, are just hideous. I could never imagine doing that to a friend or someone that I love.

I think so too.

That's why this hurts so much. I would NEVER treat him that way, and I can't comprehend how he could do that to me or anyone else.

 

They are sick. I could not stand getting ignored emails and then get a flirty email like nothing had happened. It was such a mindf**k.

 

It totally is, and I feel so insulted that he did that. That alone makes me not want to be with him. Its just the questioning of why that's killing me and making me feel so hurt. I can't get over the way he's done it.

 

Get yourself out, get to NC, and erase him from your mind. They do not deserve the energy that we put into thinking about them. Not at all.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting and hope that you find the strength to leave him far behind. He is not treating you kindly, lovingly, or with respect.

 

Thank you LD. I really appreciate your support.

This is the first time he's treated me with such a lack of respect, and that's why I'm mad and hurt - I certainly am not going to contact him. I'm way too pissed - I would NEVER ever let any other guy treat me like that, and that's what's pissing me off, is that he did it, thinking I would try to talk to him and chase him?! If that's the reason he did it, he's out of his f'n mind!!

 

I've never put up with crap like that from anyone and I'm not about to with him.

 

I just can't get over the hurt that his actions / lack of have caused me.

[TigerCub]

Tiger, ready LadyD's post again and again, especially the parts I copied and especially that last line. "He is not treating you kindly, lovingly, or with respect." and I want to add this and I'm not throwing a punch at you by saying it, but you are allowing him to treat you this way.

 

I really do see that, and as I replied to Lady D's comment, i'm just really stunned that he's done that, he's never done that before, and that's why I'm so hurt.

 

I also made a comment about how I'm not putting up with it. even if he does contact me again - enough is enough, I feel that the way he has treated me completely crossed the line.

 

My whole post was about being hurt and feeling forgotten, that's what his actions made me feel.

I do love him, but I'm not going back (I did say in an earlier post that I don't know what will happen with us), but I was trying to be as honest as I can, because judging from past experience we've always fallen into the same trap, but this is the first time he's actually treated me badly.

 

It's going on the list, that's for sure.

 

I just have to keep reminding myself that he is treating me badly and without consideration or respect - when I think of that, it really makes me not want to give him the time of day.

 

thanks

[jj33]

Its hard to accept. I struggled with that a lot during the first year after we broke up and every time I was super nice he thought I wanted to reenter the A.

 

So then I tried to forge a more professional friendship and it was awkward when we were alone together in person. Minding your Ps and Qs, hows your family, how was your vacation, whats new etc is not what you want to say to the person. To treat them like "anyone else" is painful when you still have feelings.

 

It took a really long time but eventually I realized it couldnt be done and that a cordial collegiality from a distance was the only solution.

 

Despite the azzclown he has been at times, I still miss the friendship we had. We were (for several years prior to the A as well) like 2 peas in a pod. And now we are like 2 peas you wouldnt put in split pea soup!

 

Its unfortunate and he is the last person I ever expected not to be able to be friends with as I am good at maintaining a warm relationship with exes and he was very special to me. Now if I have to speak to him one on one, its like speaking to a stranger because we are both so mindful of being correct. Sometimes the old rapport magically reappears but its kind of sad because we just cant really be friends for whatever reason.

 

I hope your experience is different.

[Lockdown]

I think ladydesigner said it the best. I don't have a lot of personal experience in this sort of relationship, but ----

 

From what I can surmise you are experiencing a substantial amount of personal disharmony in several different aspects. First, your mind is in disharmony with your body -- you are creating mental boundaries and verbally expressing them to your OM, but physically you are violating and crossing the boundaries you are trying to establish.

 

This sends him a series of mixed signals that can only inevitably result in confusion for you both. You have said before that you have initiated NC and then violated it several times, and that this is the first time that he has initiated NC and that he is sticking to it. Whether or not he is trying to lure you back in, it is possible that he is the type of person that once establishes NC he remains there.

 

While you may perceive it as a disservice to you that he didn't at least explain the establishment of NC to you with the manners and respect that you have to him, you are also the one that violated the NC rule and flip-flopped about the whole thing. It is possible that he doesn't want to make it harder for you by tempting your personal disharmony again by getting into a situation where both of you fall into the physical lure of "lets get coffee" where things spiral into the cycle. Maybe he is breaking the cycle in the only way he knows how -- NC cold shoulder.

 

From your first post and the title of this thread, I'm going to assume that what you really want is NC because at this point you really and truly cannot just be friends. Your body will not let you no matter what your mind wants. We are human, we feel strong connections and attractions, and these things happen. However, at this point a friendship cannot work. The real issue here, isn't whether or not you two had what you had, but you are concerned if it was as special to him as it was to you -- hence your concern of "being forgotten", or maybe being "easily discarded".

 

I have had some experience in this sort of situation. I don't think he has "forgotten", but what is so important about the whole situation that you are concerned he will forget? So what if he remembers? If you want this all to end, truly, the memory isn't so important.

 

Keep in mind, that memory is a process -- its not stored data like a computer. Through the act of remembering, the memory solidifies, turns to liquid, then re-solidifies itself through the brain actively working its mechanical structure in the process. Like riding a bike.

 

If you are worried that he is remembering you in the way that you want him to, then it seems like you are trying to continue living on his life someway, in his brain, through what you had without continuing to engage in those behaviors. Almost like a video tape on loop without continuing on the path.

 

I hope I didn't go off on too much of a tangent, but I hope I said something that helps you look at things under a new light.