MisterSmith Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I'll try to make it really short: she left me for another one though she still says she loves me. whatever. the whole lies about what not... she is not in love with him. all that crap that should make you feel better, but it doesn't because makes everything sound more like a lie. problem is, we are working together, have the same friends and she is with another guy at work now. I have the option to ignore her completely (I tried and she immediatly spoke to me, said it would be the worst, that could happen), ignore her briefly (be cordial, but nothing more than "hello" and "bye" and workrelated stuff. will be hard, cause we see eachother everyday and even in our sparetime), or to be her friend (cause we still have a strong bond, though she lied and betrayed me). obviously I still would take her back.. what's the best thing to do? what would you do? what would make me feel less miserable? the way it's at the moment is just plain ****. because i still have strong feelings for her i still do her favours and she accepts them and we are nice to each other, on other days i try to stay out of her sight and she, of course, notices that... the tension grows. i try to ease my mind saying to myself: it doesn't matter that it's another guy at work, it wouldn't make any difference if i know him or not. I try to ignore what has been and try to think: I'm a man in love with a taken woman, and maybe i can "convince" her that i'm the better man for her. As a plus i already know that she has a lot of sympathy for me and that there is a lot of physical attraction. I know maybe i'm fooling myself, but i feel a hell lot better thinking this way. Maybe because I can think that there is still hope (because of course i think it won't last between them forever - he's not her type, is just out of a long term relationship and says himself that he can't stay alone and well the odds for work-relations are not the best). another question: there are still some things in need of a resolve. things i need to know to make a fresh start (for me). i wrote a letter and just don't know if i should send it. the purpouse of this letter is to say i'm not angry or bitter, that i still have feelings for her but i do accept her decision. that i want to speak to her to ease the tension at work and in private. but to do this i need to know the whole truth about us. because of the betrayal i just don't know whats real anymore. and i think without resolving this issues, there's no possibility of being friends, without the truth there would only be "completely ignore her" or am i making myself feel even more miserable thinking this way? please share your experiences.
PegNosePete Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I have the option to ignore her completely This. there are still some things in need of a resolve. No there are not. It's over. You have to accept that and move on. Looking to the past and talking about what happened, why it happened, will just make it worse. You should look to the future instead, a future without her in it.
LoveTruthChaos Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 PegNosePete is right. You just gotta leave her and move on. I don't like how you say you have the upper hand because she feels sympathy for you. Is that the only way you can get her attention, by lowering yourself to feel like s.h.i.t so she can notice you? You gotta get a grip on yourself, man - seriously. I had an ex a long time ago who I broke up with because I'd had enough of hsi emotional blackmail. He kept hanging around me like a lost dog afterwards, thinking we could get back together, trying to be nice to me and stuff. One time, he actually stood there awkwardly for a long time while I was on the phone to my MOTHER, waiting for me to get off the phone just so he could say an awkward 'hi' and walk away. Anyway, if you're reading this and thinking that his behaviour wasn't healthy...well, that seems to be how you're acting too. Please, stay strong as you can with your head held high and don't speak to her, pursue her or stay hopefully in the same space as her ever again. She will NOT have 'sympathy' for you and come running back into your arms - but she WILL start to resent you and think you're pathetic. Make her miss you for who she KNOWS you are, not because she feels sorry for you. I hope this made sense.
LoveTruthChaos Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Oh, and someone on here said a quote that I always think about...that talking to the person who dumped you is like begging your boss for your job back after they've fired you. YOU WOULDN'T.
YellowShark Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 ...problem is, we are working together, have the same friends and she is with another guy at work now. That is why I NEVER fish off the company pier. When it goes bad it not only screws over your personal life... it screws over your professional life as well. You have no escape from the pain and drama, at home OR at work.
chocolate_boy Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 That is why I NEVER fish off the company pier. When it goes bad it not only screws over your personal life... it screws over your professional life as well. You have no escape from the pain and drama, at home OR at work. Yup I learned this the hard way, luckily she's been on vacation for the last 3 weeks, but we're working together on monday, I'm not looking forward to it at all. I think I may have to find a new job.
Author MisterSmith Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 i know never **** the company but love is love (if you believe in something like that) and i will always favour my heart and not my mind. maybe i get hurt a lot more but at least i tried to live to the fullest and never hold back and don't need to regret anything. and maybe i got misunderstood.. if i ignore her, she comes to me and asks me why and don't do this. and if i act like there never was a problem and everyhing is alright i get her attention because then she hangs out and is fun and everything. it's not like i am getting her attention by being miserable, it's the other way round. i don't come to her and do the akward "hi" thing, its her. and to make it clear. i'm not stalking her - she "begged" me to stay in her life and reinforces my "nice" behaviour. i wouldn't dare to be nice to someone if the other said "let it go, don't do it. stay of my back". or is that what you are saying: you can't be friends with your ex as long as you are in still in love with them? there is no let's call it 'steve urkle - laura winslow' scenario (if you recall the sitcom family matters)? no "you know i love you but you don't. i have to deal with that but we can hang out as long as it is no problem for you". i want to do that but as i said i need some answeres before that. not begging to take me back, but just a "clean plate". just because somebody dumped you, it doesn't mean you have to be enemies, or does it?
Author MisterSmith Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 @chocolate_boy: it's even worse if you have to see her with her new bf. everyday. it kills you. i'm already looking for a new job. funny thing: you don't learn from your mistakes. i thought i did. but this is the second time. some company, same guy, same ****, different girl :-) and guess what if i'll meet another girl at work and fall in love i'll do it again. never hold back because of fear being hurt! it's easy: "possible broken heart" vs. "possible love of your life" ...
Author MisterSmith Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 just another quick thought: can it get any worse than "no contact at all" (besides a "restraining order" but be sure i'm not like that :-) shouldn't you at least try to fix it to a peaceful coexistence?
PegNosePete Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 and maybe i got misunderstood.. if i ignore her, she comes to me and asks me why and don't do this You need to man up. Tell her you don't want to talk to her any more. Tell her you don't want to be friends (even if you do at some future point, you can't right now).
Rellek Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Friends is never the way to go after a break up, especially immediately after. You CAN'T HANDLE what she's doing. It will only hurt you terribly to hear what she's up to. (Trust me I've been going through that for the past two weeks.) Try to cut contact. I know it hurts, but it REALLY REALLY REALLY helps. You can't handle hearing what she's up to right now. Focus on you and make YOUR life better. YOU are what's important. Tell her you don't want to be friends and you don't want to talk. She'll get the picture and your healing will be easier.
YellowShark Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 (edited) That is why I NEVER fish off the company pier. When it goes bad it not only screws over your personal life... it screws over your professional life as well. You have no escape from the pain and drama, at home OR at work.Yup I learned this the hard way, luckily she's been on vacation for the last 3 weeks, but we're working together on monday, I'm not looking forward to it at all. I think I may have to find a new job. People these days often spend more hours at work than they do at home. Work becomes your “second family.” Sometimes your co-workers become familiar with your personality, your past, and your problems. Add in the attachment of working on an important or difficult project together and you can easily find yourself "connecting" with a co-worker. But in the end - if it goes bad - you have no escape unless you quit your job. So life becomes hell because you have to see the EX at work every day in the corridors, or in meetings, or even working with them on projects. In MisterSmith's case he now has to see the EX at work with ANOTHER MAN! YIKES! That's why I never fish off the company pier. Edited September 10, 2010 by YellowShark
teanoranges Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I feel like love and friendship endures more than we give it credit for. If this person means a lot to you and you firmly believe you two have something in this life (whether it is friendship or love) then you two should have respect and understanding for one another. Tell her you need your space to collect yourself and you would really appreciate if she could respect that. Then do it! Keep your distance and keep your head for a while.. a good while.. I'm not talking 3 months, at least 6 if not more.. but don't count perse. Live your life and try to get your head clear of the situation.. these things cause us to think in weird shapes with many different ideas. once you are ready, and this is when you will stop caring about the closure idea, her new boytoy, etc.. that is when you know you can contact them again. when you honestly feel like you can face them and be okay with any way that it goes. at least, that's what I'm beginning to learn.
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