Don't know ...

[DownThatRoad]

I made friends with this guy at work early in the summer...We talked all day every day at work and a few times he'd drive me home and stay for a drink and talk. I think we both knew we would end up together. It was like what I always expected to find, a best friend, someone I trusted completely. We started dating and we were very happy, very close, very good to each other, it was the best relationship either of us have ever been in. Then the weekend before last...he took me to meet some of his friends and we stayed with them...His friends kept making racist jokes and I addressed this with him that night and he was like "They're joking", I said "Well, it's not funny. Why are you tolerating it?" But he just really ignored and dodged it. I asked him again on the way home and I could tell her got distant and nervous and dodged talking about it again. The next day he was acting weird, so I brought up he's being weird and something isn't right, he got all nervous and was like "What do you mean?" etc. he seemed to know I would end things over this. He brought up the racism thing, he said "I am trying to be a great boyfriend and be good enough for you. I know these comments offend you so I don't say them in front of you, I do love you and hope we can make this work" I said I needed to know where he stands on this and he was like "You won't like me, my friends and family if it offends you"...Later that night he invited me to dinner at his family's house and I declined, I said "We need to talk" and he knew right there is was over, I said "It is the only problem in our relationship, but it's one I can't live with, are you racist or not?" He said "Even if I could change it, I can't change my family", I said "Well I can't judge you based on your family, God knows mine does some pretty crazy things, in a different way, but it sounds to me like you are ok with it, like you agree with it and that's the issue" "Yeah sorry it's a part of who I am", I said "Ok then, I'm sorry"...That was it.

 

In that time, he's not spoken to me at all. A few days later I heard from a mutual friends at work that he'd had a fight with people at work about it and lied to me about it weeks ago. I sent him a nasty message on Facebook and he blocked me. I've sent him two texts in the last week and a half and he's only responded once and it was cool. He's holding this childish grudge and being like "If she doesn't accept me for who I am, fine, I just won't speak to you"...I thought because we had such a close relationship he'd at least try to examine why he feels this way...but he's that fanatical I guess that it's ok to lose me over...When I texted him I was like "I'm not gonna go on hating you...even if you hate me, but I can't believe you hurt me like this, you should not have let me love you knowing you were like this and not telling me up front" He messaged me back "I don't hate you. I'm sorry. I don't really know what else to say except I'm sorry I hurt you." A few days later I sent him a text just trying to get some closure, telling him I can't believe he'd lose our relationship just to be a bigot etc. he never responded. This was Monday.

 

I just feel there's so much left undone and I want to text him and at least get some answers, like "How can you let me leave over this?" I could understand if there were other issues in the relationship, but there were none. I just can't believe he'd lose me to feel this way and seem to be ok and not even wanna speak to me...One of our mututal friends told me a few days ago "He's not over it", but you could never tell from my end. Apparently, he's not mature enough to look at himself and change his behavior...Or even mature enough to talk to me just because he's hurt and mad I left him. I'm racking my brain here because the person I knew was the sweetest nicest person who would do anything in the world for me...And now I'm looking at some angry racist who hates me...It just doesn't fit. I just can't even still believe this.

 

Thanks for listening if you made it to the end.

[Trovador]

I am sorry if I will offend you but it seems to me you were way overemotional with this, as if you want to eat your cake and have it... look, if I love a girl and I discover a single trait that is incompatible with my ideology, religion (whatever) I bring the relationship to an end... without drama, without doubts, without mixed signals... I never would say to her "are you letting me leave over this?"... that's unfair...

 

I wonder how he could deceive you for so long a time, bad qualities surface very soon, so I think you chose to ignore the red flags or the guy is an illusionist... if you are not satisfied with a product just take it back or dispose of it but not expect it's going to change just because you wish it... you know your ex best, but I am seeing that he tried to keep you and fought for you and he might have felt that you didn't give him enough time to change, that is if he ever considered that trait of his susceptible of changing... maybe he thought it was a big fuss about something unimportant, regardless of what your opinion about the subject is...

 

And you dumped him, he is acting defensively and even so he treated you nicely...

 

And I know for sure that wanting to change someone it's a delicate matter, like smoking for example... if you really loved him, you would have given him time and showed him some compassion, after all we all have bad traits... but you decided to dump him, now stick to your resolution... Geez, I feel the pain of the guy... he surely didn´t expect your holier that thou attitude... this is a long rant so I won´t with a similar experience of mine, but the girl in question loved me enough to forgive me (I thought she didn´t mind certain jokes I favoured at the time, and I was sure she knew about them) and I was willing to stop telling them when I saw she was tolerant enough not to break up with me over irrelevant matters (to me) but important to her...

 

Sorry for the long rant and my bad English, and thank you for sharing...