"Walk Away" the science in a nutshell.

[Simon Attwood]

Among other things, cortisol regulation relies upon early parental stimulus of the mother in order to nurture the system and connections, primarily between the anterior cingulate and the amygdala, to regulate cortisol release. Without that early nurture, studies have shown that the cortisol system in the subsequent adult lacks regulation. When there is a dysfunction in cortisol regulation, there can be peaks in cortisol and this stimulates the amygdala. The amygdala is the brains fear centre. Once the amygdala is stimulated, and without adequate connections with the anterior cingulate to regulate it, it can become a self sustaining system, keeping the fear response stimulated. The fear response is telling the organism to escape, but for lack of a rational explanation for what to escape from, the mind looks to find something to escape from.

 

High Cortisol also affects serotonin, the happy neurotransmitter, and dopamine, the reward transmitter, these systems also become unstable. We can constantly seek reward because the dopamine levels are not regulated, and we will be filled with feelings of unhappiness because our serotonin levels and their receptors are unstable. Once again the organism looks for reward to meet its cravings. And looks for a source to pin it’s unhappiness on.

 

All these systems rely on the baby having a loving connection with the mother. Among other things ...

[Simon Attwood]

Just thought that this might need a little disclaimer;

 

Obviously there are some very valid reasons for leaving a relationship. This describes the science involved when there doesn't appear to be a reason or the reason appears irrational and invented

[Ajax]

Thanks for posting that. As it is, my ex broke things off because she was "depressed," even though she seemed and had told me that she was happy and lucky to have me. When she ended things I got the feeling that she was actually scared of her own feelings and looking to protect herself. Also, she has a crap relationship with her mother, who doesn't show affection for her like she should. Interesting.

[Simon Attwood]

Thanks for posting that. As it is, my ex broke things off because she was "depressed," even though she seemed and had told me that she was happy and lucky to have me. When she ended things I got the feeling that she was actually scared of her own feelings and looking to protect herself. Also, she has a crap relationship with her mother, who doesn't show affection for her like she should. Interesting.

 

There's a lot of them out there ...

 

I've also, only today come across this, Click for link

 

suggesting an enlarged amygdala and reduced hippocampus in depressed people

[Ajax]

The hard part for me is the fact that up until the very end my ex seemed just as invested in the relationship as I was. But when the depression hit she just pushed everyone away, saying that nobody and nothing made her feel happy. Her breaking up with me felt like an artificial solution to a temporary problem. Like you said in your post, it seems like she was trying to escape from the one thing she could control in her life. I honestly don't think she could be any happier with anyone else.

[carhill]

Although reached through psychological means (MC) rather than medical science (brain chemistry analysis), I came to the conclusion that it is a largely fruitless pursuit to have a healthy relationship with someone who has come from a f***ed-up childhood and who hasn't demonstrably spent a significant amount of time working on their resultant psychology and/or brain chemistry. I've been an unpaid therapist enough in life. Now it's time to enjoy it. Walking away can be a good and healthy thing, even for the person walked away from

 

BTW, from personal experience, such persons so afflicted are IME experts at creating an environment, a toxic one, which allows them to justify their walking away. Essentially, they just re-create their childhood, point the finger and leave. Thank God for small favors and early prison release.

[Simon Attwood]

Although reached through psychological means (MC) rather than medical science (brain chemistry analysis), I came to the conclusion

 

In David Mann's "Love and Hate; psychoanalytic perspectives", Daphné Lambert, A Jungian analyst practising at Cambridge, summed up the above description from a psychoanalytical angle in her contribution "No one to hold the baby";

 

"In this chapter I have wanted to demonstrate that when an early moving relationship between mother and her baby has not been established, defensive measures are set in motion by the agency of the self whose aim is to protect the vulnerable evolving ego/self from catastrophic pain. The negative side of defences of the self are that a part of the self becomes split off and unavailable to consciousness, forming a complex. This means that a damaged part of the ego/self has been incorporated in to a defensive system that resists any attempt to grow and move towards greater consciousness. Thus any efforts that the weakened ego makes to move towards a loving relationship with another are constantly subjected to internal smash ups filled with hate, replicating the patient's inner world. In my experience with these patients I found that my task was to develop a capacity within myself to experience their hate and to gradually become able to process their internal murderous feelings rather in the way that a mother, under normal circumstances, holds a screaming baby through the states of deintegration. In this case, because of the original failure in maternal bonding, these states carried with them fearful memories of disintegration and madness. There had been no one to hold the baby. Therefore for the analyst there is the extra task of processing primitive feelings connected with a defensive system erected to protect a small baby in danger of psychic disintegration. The violent rage that results from this failure, in my view, needs to be transformed within the analyst's psyche. It was necessary for me through my understanding of each patient's story, to process their feelings of primitive hate and attack upon the love that resulted before I could begin to be able to experience feelings of love towards them. All these patients had suffered from a deprivation of love at an early point in their lives and were possessed by feelings of hate which violently attacked life itself .. "

[Ajax]

Have you found anything regarding how this "walk away" syndrome can be dealt with? Is there a way for them to ever give themselves fully to a relationship and stick with it? As much as it hurts to think of my ex with someone else, at some point she will be, and I hope she doesn't just keep walking out on people who love her.

[Simon Attwood]

Have you found anything regarding how this "walk away" syndrome can be dealt with?

 

not really, no, each situation is unique to some extent, even if the pattern and motives are similar. An ability to deal with your own fear, uncertainty and doubt without letting it become self destructive or letting the other person use those fears against you by way of projection is a good start.

 

Is there a way for them to ever give themselves fully to a relationship and stick with it?

 

Therapy, lots of it, and only if they want to do it. They have to see and accept that there is a problem first, otherwise all the therapy in the world won't help.

 

As much as it hurts to think of my ex with someone else, at some point she will be, and I hope she doesn't just keep walking out on people who love her.

 

She will.

 

Love can seem a risky business. Fairbairn (1940) makes the point that love can feel threatening. Love can close down psychological distance between individuals and, therefore, can be experienced as a threat to a fragile sense of self. Hate, on the other hand, creates more distance and erects barriers against the potentially destructive nature of intimate contact with the other. I would elaborate this further and say that hate enables the individual to maintain contact with others since it still maintains a passionate connection, a relationship, that does not threaten to smother the self. Schizoid traits in the personality may leave the individual feeling more comfortable inducing hate rather than love in libidinal objects. Dealing with hatred and aggression can, in this sense, be much safer than the intimacy of love.

 

Excerpt from David Mann's "Love and Hate; psychoanalytical perspectives"

[GrayClouds]

In other words as much as someone wants to understand the why of a break up, at the end of the day if your the dumpee, the most intelligent thing you can do is to analyze yourself, your role in the relationship's demise, and improve yourself for the only thing we can fix is ourselves.

 

Otherwise you will be wasting your time riding around in your own head on a demented donkey doing your best Don Q tilting at windmills trying to fix the other person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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