smk Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 So I am almost at the 3 month mark of my first real heartbreak and lots of things have been coming into my mind…. I have been away from LS for a few weeks now, purely because I have been swamped with work and because I am trying to deal with “getting over” her…. Anyways some of you may know my story other may not so here’s a quick recap: we met each other through a mutual friend 3 years ago, nothing ever really happened until just before Christmas last year. We got together, things moved real quick, she asked me to move (I did), I never really believed in relationships of any sort until she came along, I threw in the towel, we talked marriage, kids, the whole shabang, then one day a few weeks after I move in (her idea) she tells me she has to break up with me because her family don’t approve of our relationship because I am of a different race… anyways my world was torn apart, I was a total and complete wreck for the most part of the last 3 months, went to a therapist, discovered things about myself, and started the long and winding road to becoming a better, stronger me… A few weeks ago I decided I needed to go out and meet new people, made new friends, been going out a lot, partying to the max, and chatting up as many girls as I can, yet that’s all I want to do… I chat up the girls, get their number, some even ask me to go back home with them, yet I politely decline, and go my own way… I am at this point where I have accepted that its over, I have accepted that even if she did come back to me, chances are that things just wouldn’t work purely because she is no longer the girl I fell in love with, and the girl I still love… Sure I am meeting new girls, being set up by friends, family, etc… with different girls, yet I am not attracted to any one of them, I seem to find faults in all of them, none of them compare to her… mentally & physically I don’t even want to be with anyone else, every time something is about to happen with another girl its as though there is a block somewhere that prevents me from letting things go any further… I initiate the first move, yet when it comes to progressing I back out, I just keep on trying to find some similarity to the ex… WTF is going on with me… I am actually starting to resign to the fact that I may never be with someone else and its scary… I want to love someone, I want to be able to feel what I felt for her and from her, if not with her then with someone else but I just cannot seem to be able bring myself to feel anything for anyone else and its scary…
PegNosePete Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Dude I think you need to be single for a while. I don't mean single as in having ONS all the time and seeing a different girl every day, I mean single as in just be by yourself. Do things alone. Don't base your happiness around being with someone else. Make a conscious decision that you are not going to chat up any girls or go out with anyone, sure socialise with mates, but don't go out on the pull. You seem to be putting a huge pressure on yourself to be with someone else. Your failure to find intimacy makes you just try harder, it's a vicious circle, the only way to break free is to let it go. If you can be happily single then someone will come along when you least expect it.
Author smk Posted September 10, 2010 Author Posted September 10, 2010 Dude I think you need to be single for a while. I don't mean single as in having ONS all the time and seeing a different girl every day, I mean single as in just be by yourself. Do things alone. Don't base your happiness around being with someone else. Make a conscious decision that you are not going to chat up any girls or go out with anyone, sure socialise with mates, but don't go out on the pull. You seem to be putting a huge pressure on yourself to be with someone else. Your failure to find intimacy makes you just try harder, it's a vicious circle, the only way to break free is to let it go. If you can be happily single then someone will come along when you least expect it. hey pete, i completely agree with what you say. When i do go out i am not even on the pull yet i may start talking to a girl just for the sake of conversation and i may at first be attracted to her then all of a sudden it just dies... TBH i dont even want a ONS or anything at the moment, I am literally just living it up, going out, and having a good time... I feel perfectly content and happy being single, yet at time i will be honest i do have moment where I may feel some form of attraction to another girl and then it just turns to revulsions and its kinda scary...
PegNosePete Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 I think it's quite normal, it's the same for me. I really miss not having her to make dinner with, watch TV with, go to the gym with, etc. And I would love to find someone else to do all those things with. I'd love to just skip all the meeting people and dating and chatting up, and go straight into the stable LTR. But I know that's not possible, and I am not ready yet, so I am not even going to try. I've cruised dating sites and friends have tried to set me up and I've just not been interested in anything I see. I guess I'm lucky since this is my 2nd big break up, I kind of know the territory, although this one is much worse. Last time I thought all the things as you, resigned myself to the fact that I might not find anyone else, etc. But 6 months later it did happen again and it was much better than last time. So this time - although the present sucks, I am positive about the future. I just wish I had a fast forward button to get me through this stage!!! You have to trust that it will be the same for you. The future is good. You just have to get through the present to get there.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 10, 2010 Posted September 10, 2010 Don't try and rush your feelings I felt dead inside for 6 or 7 months post break up (18 years together), I didn't even feel like looking at anyone else then, and the idea of being with someone else repulsed me, had no sexual feelings at all either. 7 months post break up I went NC and I started to move forward pretty quickly from that point, I started to begin to have feelings for someone else 8 or 9 months post break up, (was first in touch with them 6 months post break up) fell in love around 10 months post break up. It's different for everyone else, some people can move on pretty quickly (2 or 3 months) others take years before they feel ready to be with someone again, it depends on each person's circumstances, there are no set rules. Just please don't rush it, if you keep having doubts that you are ready then you are probably not.
Thierro Posted September 12, 2010 Posted September 12, 2010 (edited) You need to realize that you don’t need a girl in your life to make you happy. Let go of this thought and feeling. Because this will set your whole life on fire in the future. Your happiness is your responsibility. It is also too soon to think about girls and relationships. Just forget about it for a while. I will promise someone will find YOU with whom you will have a great time for 1 month, 3 years, 50 years; who knows. There are a lot of girls that fit your personality. Enjoy yourself. I would love to be in a relationship too, but this shouldn’t be the recipe to a happy life. I also met a girl *see my other post*, but I am just not ready to be in a relationship. We need some time to cool down and live life on our own. Just walk your walk and let life happen to you. Do the things you do and everything will turn out fine. You already have come a long way. Think about LS and me when you feel like crap. We are in the same boat and you and I are pretty much going through the same motions and experience at the same time. Edited September 12, 2010 by Thierro
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