I know I shouldn't send it, but...

[leftfield]

I've been really struggling this week to keep myself upbeat and try to move on. I keep thinking about my ex and wondering what she's doing, where she is etc. I'm losing sleep over it and feel consumed by it.

 

A month ago I was still somewhat in denial over the end of the relationship, and I think that actually kept me going for a while, because I was still clinging on to hope. When I saw her a couple of weeks ago (a big mistake) I saw how much she had moved on and distanced herself from me. She was like a different person, and even dropped in that she has started dating other people.

 

Anyway, this cold and uncaring person that is occupying the body of the person I'm still in love with has really knocked me for six, and now I'm struggling with every aspect of my life - work, diet, incredibly low self-esteem.

 

Although I've lost all hope of any reconciliation with her, that hope was a buoyancy aid for me, so without it I feel like I'm sinking.

 

As I've read on LS, it sometimes helps to write a letter or email outlining how your feeling, and getting out everything you want to say to your ex. So this is what I've done, but now I'm sorely tempted to send it.

 

It's not a begging letter by any means, it simply explains the reasons why I don't think we can be friends (which she had initially asked to be), because I don't feel like I know her any more, and I there is too much raw emotion that has left scars on both of us.

 

To be honest she hasn't actually tried to be friendly with me anyway, she's ignored me for the most part, or been pretty indifferent to me when we have had contact. Although I really want to send that email, I think she would probably reply to this heartfelt declaration with something like "That's fine", or perhaps even nothing at all. But I don't know, maybe I would get a considered response from her, but do I even want one?

 

I can't believe I'm still finding it so hard to cope after over two months since the break up. Shouldn't I be starting to move on by now, or at least dealing with it better? Does anyone else feel like they're just not getting anywhere? I'm sick to death of carrying this burden

[Silvaria]

I'm no expert, but...two months isn't really that long, in the overall Big Picture of life. It's been over a month for me, and I'm still consumed by thoughts of him on an hourly basis...I fall asleep thinking about him, and I wake up thinking about him.

 

I also wrote an email this past week...not a begging email, as you said, but outlining my thoughts in a heartfelt way...and I was tempted to send it, like you said you were.

 

What has stopped me? This:

 

Although I really want to send that email, I think she would probably reply to this heartfelt declaration with something like "That's fine", or perhaps even nothing at all.

It occurred to me while I was seriously thinking about sending it that to have my innermost feelings utterly stomped on with something indifferent, or no reply at all, would make things much, much worse for me.

 

I'm not going to tell you to "be strong and move on"...if there's one thing I'm learning from this experience, it's that everyone handles this situation differently. However, I would have to honestly encourage you to NOT send that email. For now, consider keeping those thoughts to yourself...chances are that she KNOWS how you feel, and she KNOWS you want her back...by sending it, you would only be giving her another chance to reject you, and right now, you truly don't need that.

[shiftedblue]

I had that struggle this week and I ended up sending the letter. I, however, decided to send it because I know I don't want to reconcile, despite still being brokenhearted, confused, sad. I just thought he should know how I feel after all those years together, and I wanted him to know my thoughts on where things went wrong.

 

What I got back was a long, infuriating letter that placed 95% of the blame on me!

 

So sending the letter worked for me. I don't want to contact him anymore, he made me really angry.

 

But I think if you are still feeling like you want her back, you might not want to send the letter, bc her response, or her possible lack of response, may be overwhelming...

[Lemontang]

I feel for you dude. Unfortunately there is no set time frame, but you can choose when to start living for yourself and not have your days consumed by the thoughts of another person. I was the same with one relationship which I called it quits on after 3 years, didn't help she was an alcoholic and I tried everything to help her but had to call it a day despite how destroying it was knowing I could do nothing and cope with the abuse that comes with it. Added to the fact I shortly discovered afterwards she'd been sleeping with randoms towards the last few months of our relationship whilst I was home babysitting her daughter on her so called 'girls night out'. Needless to say I was shattered and decided to go to counselling after I found it difficult to even function at work, I still loved her but felt so used after everything I'd done for her. It certainly gave me the tools to cope and I found that even to this day I may still think of her, but I'm a better person for deciding to take the initiative to decide "no I will live my life for me and not you". I never got closure from her and we haven't spoken in 10 months. But I did pen a letter to her and sent it telling her I've found my own closure and have since moved on and I've been happily dating other people since. She on the other hand is still an alcoholic with an ever increasing amount of issues developing in her life.

 

So what I'm trying to say is even at the worst of times there is still light at the end of the tunnel even if we do need a little bit of help along the way to get there. It's just a case of when you choose to be your own person and not go about life playing the what if games for someone else.

[Fouts]

Try not to send it. Just vent through it when you need to. The hard part of any breakup is the ego readjustment that someone you loved doesn't want contact with you anymore.

 

It'll ease with time and eventually meeting someone new and different who excites you.

[leftfield]

I think something that has just occurred to me after writing this earlier is that although it's been two months since we split, it's only really been two weeks since I've begun to accept it. I wasn't facing up to the reality of the situation before then, so although I was still hurt, I was 'coping' by not really being honest with myself. It wasn't until I saw her again that I knew she was completely gone from my life.

 

Now I know the relationship is over for good, I've started to grieve, and I think that's what has really knocked me back to the start. I'm also under a huge amount of stress financially, and working for myself from home means I have very little escape from two of the most emotionally draining things I have to cope with - the work that I need to do to pay the bills and the constant battle with the loneliness of coming out of this relationship and being alone a lot generally.

 

There's a part of me that wants to send the email because I think I'm still very much in the emotional turmoil of breaking up, and something is telling me to reach out to her. But you're probably right that I shouldn't. For her this thing ended at least two months ago, plus whatever time she spent planning to end it. It probably wouldn't even register with her that I'm still hurting this much. It just irks me a bit that she thinks we are friends, or that we're going to be friends or whatever she thinks. If she even thinks about it at all.

 

Lemontang, you're right that I need to make this leap: "no I will live my life for me and not you", I'm just finding it difficult to follow through with that at the moment, I'm stuck in a vicious circle of shattered confidence, constant stress and love for someone that doesn't love me back. I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't see it yet, I'm too mixed up with all these things. I'm going to hang on to the email at least for today because I fear you'll all be right about the added feeling of rejection.

[ShannonMI]

I think something that has just occurred to me after writing this earlier is that although it's been two months since we split, it's only really been two weeks since I've begun to accept it. I wasn't facing up to the reality of the situation before then, so although I was still hurt, I was 'coping' by not really being honest with myself. It wasn't until I saw her again that I knew she was completely gone from my life.

 

Now I know the relationship is over for good, I've started to grieve, and I think that's what has really knocked me back to the start. I'm also under a huge amount of stress financially, and working for myself from home means I have very little escape from two of the most emotionally draining things I have to cope with - the work that I need to do to pay the bills and the constant battle with the loneliness of coming out of this relationship and being alone a lot generally.

 

There's a part of me that wants to send the email because I think I'm still very much in the emotional turmoil of breaking up, and something is telling me to reach out to her. But you're probably right that I shouldn't. For her this thing ended at least two months ago, plus whatever time she spent planning to end it. It probably wouldn't even register with her that I'm still hurting this much. It just irks me a bit that she thinks we are friends, or that we're going to be friends or whatever she thinks. If she even thinks about it at all.

 

Lemontang, you're right that I need to make this leap: "no I will live my life for me and not you", I'm just finding it difficult to follow through with that at the moment, I'm stuck in a vicious circle of shattered confidence, constant stress and love for someone that doesn't love me back. I'm looking for the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't see it yet, I'm too mixed up with all these things. I'm going to hang on to the email at least for today because I fear you'll all be right about the added feeling of rejection.

Its very tempting to want to write an email to your ex telling them how much they've changed and what a disappointment it is. I DID send the email that explained all that and it honestly made me feel better. I also wrote that I knew about him cheating on me and that I couldn't believe I trusted him as much as I did. He betrayed me. It felt good to let him know what I actually thought of him. I didn't get a response because in the email, I told him not to ever contact me again in any way, shape or form. I told him I didn't want to hear his denials or his confessions. They didn't matter to me. He's dead to me.

 

You have been only been broken up for 2 months. Don't beat yourself up for not moving on fast enough. It's been 4 months for me. Finding out recently that he cheated has actually sent me back to the beginning of the grieving process. I'm sad and angry and bitter. I'm crying a lot, not eating much. Now that I know everything, I'm hoping this is it. I will begin to heal from here on in.

 

If you think sending that email will help you feel better, then do it. A lot of the LS peeps say don't, but from my experience it made me feel better. I had different circumstances then you, though. You ex didn't cheat, did she? I felt I needed my ex to know what a slimeball I thought he was.

 

It's really up to you how to deal with that. Just think long and hard about it before you send it. Maybe tell her in the email, you don't want a response and that way you wont be disappointed when she doesn't respond. I feel for you, i really do. I know the pain you are experiencing and it sucks a**. Hang in there;)

[leftfield]

Its very tempting to want to write an email to your ex telling them how much they've changed and what a disappointment it is. I DID send the email that explained all that and it honestly made me feel better. I also wrote that I knew about him cheating on me and that I couldn't believe I trusted him as much as I did. He betrayed me. It felt good to let him know what I actually thought of him. I didn't get a response because in the email, I told him not to ever contact me again in any way, shape or form. I told him I didn't want to hear his denials or his confessions. They didn't matter to me. He's dead to me.

 

You have been only been broken up for 2 months. Don't beat yourself up for not moving on fast enough. It's been 4 months for me. Finding out recently that he cheated has actually sent me back to the beginning of the grieving process. I'm sad and angry and bitter. I'm crying a lot, not eating much. Now that I know everything, I'm hoping this is it. I will begin to heal from here on in.

 

If you think sending that email will help you feel better, then do it. A lot of the LS peeps say don't, but from my experience it made me feel better. I had different circumstances then you, though. You ex didn't cheat, did she? I felt I needed my ex to know what a slimeball I thought he was.

 

It's really up to you how to deal with that. Just think long and hard about it before you send it. Maybe tell her in the email, you don't want a response and that way you wont be disappointed when she doesn't respond. I feel for you, i really do. I know the pain you are experiencing and it sucks a**. Hang in there;)

 

Hey Shannon, thanks for that, it's good to hear both sides. I'm going to keep it for at least 24 hours and see whether I still want to send it. However, I must confess I did look at her Facebook profile today, I know (!), I need to leave that crap alone, I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just in such inner turmoil today. I've deactivated it again so I can't look any more.

 

Luckily I didn't find anything that would send me over the edge. It was still a stupid thing to do though, it won't help me get her off my mind, I know that. My ex didn't cheat no, I would probably find it easier to move on if she had, because like you I would hate someone that had done that.

 

Another thing that I realised today is that I'm incredibly frustrated by how our relationship ended. There was another stupid argument towards the end, but even after we broke up she said she was also finding it difficult to lose what we had, and that she still loved me, she just couldn't see a way around our problems. About a month later she really opened up to me and told me all the things that had been getting her down and gave me the real reasons why she left.

 

I could understand that much of it was stuff that would hurt and cause friction within a relationship, for example she felt I should have backed her more in an argument she had with my sister, which I now admit was true, but to break up over it when there was still a lot of love in our relationship really cuts deep within my logical man-brain. I know emotional decisions are not made with logic, but I still hate it that I can't 'argue my case' for us, so to speak.

 

It was a big emotional release for her when she finally told me how she's been feeling in those last few months. After that I think she started to move on and enjoy the single life much more, going out a lot, buying herself things and that kind of thing. She appears happy, but who knows whether she is. She's as stubborn as I am, so maybe she would forge ahead even if she wasn't happy, but I think she genuinely is happier now.

 

The problem at the end was that she couldn't accept or believe that we could ever get our relationship back on track, even though I think in time we could have done, especially if she'd spoken frankly before we broke up instead a month later. That's what is holding me back, because I feel like she gave up too easily, even when we still had a chance. Unfortunately there is just absolutely nothing I can do about it. Accept it and move on I suppose. If only it were as easy as writing down.

[ShannonMI]

It stinks when you want to work out the problems and your ex doesn't. It takes two people, unfortunetly, to fix what is wrong in a relationship. When one isn't on board, it doesn't work. When I broke up with my ex he told me he had changed and we just weren't right for each other. He also told me I wasn't passionate about his music (he's in a band). I told him I DID care about his music. I had gone to the few shows he had and I told him I would have gone to more if we had stayed together. It didn't matter to him. Knowing what I know now, his BS reasons for breaking up with me, were just that, BS. He had found a replacement for me and THAT was the main reason he dumped me. His new girlfriend is a groupie of his band, so I'm sure he's just LOVING it. I often wonder if the other band mates have passed her around. Hahahaha she's that type of girl, so I've been told.

 

Sending that email might help you get your emotions out and let your ex know how you feel. You said she expressed her feelings about the relationship and she seems to be feeling better and moving on. Maybe you need to do the same thing. It's really up to you and how you think she will react to your email. I hope you figure it out and I hope you are able to finally start moving on.

[D-Lish]

Write the Letter, but DON'T SEND IT.

 

You yourself said in your opening that you know it's a bad idea, and you should trust your instincts on that.

 

Simply putting your thoughts on paper is often cathartic in itself. Put everything into the letter- then put it aside.

 

I sent a letter to my last ex from 4 years ago, and I totally regretted it afterward.

[Trovador]

Sorry but I beg to difer... two months it's a lot of time, you should be dealing better with the break up, you should be saying "Yipes, it's been two months and I feel beter every day!"... you are still in the past... you are carrying a corpse since two months ago...

 

And before you say anything, let me tell you that I've loved like anyone else and have hurt a lot when "the one" dumped me out of the blue... I fell but I stood up again, I lost but I didn't die... thanks to life for another day and another chance to live well, if not entirely happy...

 

So, while you decide to start living as a man again, don´t blame your ex for being so well and even dating, guess what? she moveD on as you should have done two months ago... don´t depend on nobody, less of all an ex, to be happy... love yourself a bit, man... love yourself... don't do this to yourself... you deserve better...

 

I wish you peace of mind, but while you don´t take back your own life, nobody can help you...

[skydiveaddict]

My advice is too not send the letter, doing so would only result in a zero sum game. You send the letter and get no reply, that hurts! You send the letter and get a "whatever", that hurts! You send the letter and get exposed to new information about who/what/where/when she is doing, that hurts!

 

The fact that you have just now penned such a letter helps explain why you are still grieving after two months. So long as you are back to a semi-normal diet/sleep schedule, I would say you're doing just fine. These things take time, and everyone works on their own schedule.

 

 

I Agree with this BiAxident is correct. No good can come of this letter.